Thursday 30 May 2013

Pattern language

Oh what the hell, let's keep blogging twice a week.

Last night got a phone mesage at 9:45pm.  "Uh you're booked for an interview tomorrow at 9:15am and I'm just looking through the emails and I'm not sure we told you...well we must have told you. See you tomorrow."

So this morning I was there bright and early and bleary-eyed.  I was interviewed by three women. It was a little awkward.  I hate formal interviews.  If only they would start off by describing the position!  I didn't do a great interview, I didn't 'sparkle' but I got through it.  Don't expect to get the job, but I'd already assumed I wasn't even going to be interviewed (this is the rescheduled interview previously mentioned) and had let it go.  Would be a great starter job for me, very part time- I would have done it for free.

I really need to learn how to interview.  Can't sell myself.

Other things:

One friend's father is dying.  Another friend just had surgery so she will never be a mother.  I don't know how to comfort them.
I compared my sadness to theirs, and mine didn't seem that unbearable.  Or maybe just different.  I don't know.  Perspective.  Life.

Today, one of the kids I work with told me her mom just had a baby.  Then she said, 'You have a big belly.  Do you have a baby?'

I went to a one-day course on Permaculture.  I thought I'd learn about plants, which we did, but we also learned about finding the patterns in anything that you do, in considering your needs, in observing a full cycle of the pattern, and then designing a solution carefully (usually it's how you lay out your home and garden but could be anything)  The guy said, the problem is the solution to something else.  In nature, sure, every pest has a predator but in human life things are a bit more complicated.  It's sort of comforting to think maybe I'm the solution to someone else's problem, that they are lonely like I am.

Oh, it's hard to put everything that happened that day into words.  We were outside all day looking at plants in the rain, and there were a bunch of hippie-type people, and some not-so-hippie type people, and I drove a car full of strangers and we got along and I didn't get lost.  It was a few hours out of town, and I loved the small-town feel, the beautiful forest. I didn't want to leave.

Yeah, I still want to learn how to grow my own food and build cob houses and all sorts of weird stuff but I'm not into alternate medicine or the power of crystals or images like this:

Well anyways, another step down the path towards .....whatever you want to call it.  My new lifestyle.  It's sorta pretend at the moment, but we'll see.  At least I'm getting exposed to new ideas.
Maybe I'll start seeing solutions where I've only seen problems before...

Sunday 26 May 2013

Post-Camp thots

Just did my first youth camp.  The kids are really great, can't believe I get paid to do this.  Kept thinking this job was good for me personally, even it's if not really that impressive on the ol' resume.
Despite that, I still had moments of anxiety about what I could contribute as a leader to these young people, and at certain points got very tired from the over-scheduled days of group activities and wanted some introvert-time away from the crowd.
But that's part of it being good for me.  I can find a way to balance those parts of me.
One of the activities was for the youth to write a letter to themselves that will be mailed to them at the end of the summer.  I did one to myself too.  Time travel by mail!  Wonder if anything in my life will have changed by then.

I had said there was a male camp leader working with me who I think is awesome, and wondered why I didn't have a crush on him.  Well this weekend I kind of did.  He's very good looking and positive and a little odd. I think I'm just fascinated by anyone who is really unabashedly their self.  And I'm interested in the way he's chosen to live, not that I want to do it necessarily, but I've discussed in detail on the ol' blog how I'm trying to figure out what my 'lifestyle' is going to be when I'm not living at home (or even when I am).  He bikes every where, lives in a collective house, gets up early to meditate and do yoga, and organized a zero waste system for the camp (see, that's what did me in.  Swoon).

So yeah, apparently I'm just a loose cannon right now and will crush on anybody who talks to me.  Or, it's almost like I admire some traits in these men, traits I would like to see in myself, and then crush on my ideals.  I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it, ha.  I like Big Hands because he started this amazing community organization and has really good grammar.  (You know when to use 'less' and when to use 'fewer'?  Swoon.)

Anyways...am I celibate because I'm weird or weird because I'm celibate?


Thursday 23 May 2013

Mooning from afar

Well I went to the monthly discussion group meeting and it was interesting, but I still didn't get to speak much to Big Hands.  I was at the meeting spot early, and he'd gone down the street to get pizza.  When he came back, he started talking to someone outside, while I was inside sitting at the table with some other group members.  If I'd arrived later, I could have joined the conversation at the door.  Silly to even think about these tiny details, but coincidence and luck do play a (small) role.

Anyways, not much to report.  I had brought brownies.  He ate one of my brownies.  Oh, I'm in the grip of a crush and all I can think of to do is bake.   "Hey, notice me!  I bring baked goods and do little drawings!"
Meanwhile, I said nothing during discussion group, just sat back and listened and absorbed, which is what I like.  At the end of the meeting, I thought everyone was leaving, but he dropped back to tidy up and it was too late, I was already in the elevator going down.  So not much progress, other than that I've ascertained  that he isn't vegan.

I just want a chance to have a short conversation with him, but I only see him once or twice a month, unless I really set out to stalk him.  I might just have to be patient.  I'm supposed to do a presentation for another group he organizes (way more casual) and that's not until July so I might want to wait until that's over before I do anything potentially awkward.  Then I will ask him out for coffee, if we both seem to still be single.  Planning this is slightly ridiculous.  I am going to spend my summer debating if I should go or not go to events I think he'll be at.  RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOR.

On one hand, I'm enjoying the giddy hopefulness of having a crush (it's been a long time).  On the other hand, it's a waste of energy to moon over him. I feel slightly out of control, in that I will justify any crazy thing I think of that's an excuse to be in contact with him.

oh  gawd even I think this is a boring post.

but here's the thing.  I'm pretty gone on him, just think all the geeky things he does are so adorable, and yet I don't really see him and me being a good match and I can't explain it.  Friend-in-the-North said you both have to have the same kind of baggage, and you recognize that in each other.  And there's a quote, which the internet attributes to Oscar Wilde, "You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

So who knows?

Meanwhile, Walrus keeps texting me frequently and asked me to lunch. Wondering why I wanted to maintain the friendship so much, and now am slightly tired by it. Nothing like the feeling that he's only talking to me now that that girl dumped him and he's bored and lonely.

Monday 20 May 2013

Predictions

If I could know the future, I wouldn't ask who the love of my life was; I'd ask when I'm going to meet them. How many more nights alone?  If only I could count down the days...

I'm six weeks away from having been single for a year.  A summer away from turning 32.
I'm not getting anywhere on my goals!
Well, at least I'm employed for the summer.

I was looking at photos on facebook of someone's travel adventures, and realized I never even think about travelling.  There are lots of interesting spots within my province, just a few hours away.  So I turned to the internet, and I found a workshop on building natural homes that's really unbelievably affordable, just waiting to see if I can fit it into the summer work schedule.

Wow, over and over again I have to realize that I'm in charge of my life and I have to stop waiting for people to make things happen for me.  I want to be responsible and work hard but I have to have some thing to look forward to as well.  I can do the things I love, and do them now, not as a reward in the distant future.  And the reality is I have to do them alone, but that's okay.  Better than playing computer games alone.

Never heard back about rescheduling that job interview, fingers crossed that that still happens.

Last night I went to an information night about a new alternative education program...I don't really know how to describe it but it's two guys (who have done some amazing stuff in their lives) who want to teach young people how to set up a non-profit or co-op or collective or social enterprise.  Something that will make the world better but still pay a living wage.  The course is several months long, a few days a week and costs a few thousand dollars.  It's very reasonable, but still a big commitment.   And if you train for the better part of a year, you have to use that training!  I didn't take an application form, but I'm still thinking about it.

It's funny because my dad had a series of businesses when I was growing up, and the money flow was a roller coaster ride.  When I was old enough to see how stressed my mom was, I said I would only marry a man with a steady job.  No entrepreneurs!  (I thought I would have a steady job as a commercial artist in film and television.  How little I knew!)

But now I'm dreaming of starting my own thing.  Everybody always said I was like my dad, and I never understood why.  (Aside: I'm still not speaking to him.  And last week the courts decided he owes my mom a lot of money and he might not be able to pay it now.  Who knows what will happen?  My mom is feeling the victory is a hollow one, very ugly outcome from a marriage that lasted 25 years.)

I feel like I have this need to be a leader, a changemaker, to be in charge of something, to be special.  Ok, that's always part of being an artist, but now I want to be working with people.  I seem to think I'm qualified.  Underneath this there is a huge gaping hole of fear that I am not likable, lovable, that I have nothing to offer.

I'm changing how I see myself, and how I live.  Who knows what's going to come of it, but at least I'm taking charge.






Friday 17 May 2013

growing pains

Busy week.  Long days.  
You know when you're carrying a bunch of stuff, arms full, and you drop one item, and you bend down to pick it up, and lose two more items, etc etc?
That's how I'm feeling right now.  Just trying to keep the messiness of me under control.

Tonight I went to a planning meeting for the youth camp leaders.  I love problem solving.  My sister said that all three of us siblings have the same problem when it comes to careers:  we just want to be idea-generators. Once we've figured out a better way to do things, we're bored.  We have little interest in implementing our own plans, and zero interest in maintaining anything.  I've said before that I am not good at phrasing criticism gently, or using positive language to suggest changes, or manipulating people to get my way.  I just say bluntly why things will or will not work.  
Tonight I found I was speaking quite a lot, asking questions, trying to find out the parameters of what we were trying to do and what we had to work with, and then trying to find a framework or methodical way to put it all together.  It was bordering on me taking over, and some people weren't speaking at all.  When I realized I was getting carried away, I said apologetically, "I like planning."

So now I'm sort of annoyed at myself.  I feel like I always say the wrong thing.  Now, for years I was very shy and couldn't speak in public at all, and now I'm doing lots of things that involve the word 'leadership'.  But leadership also means bringing out the best in others....
I'm the oldest of my siblings, and oldest of a bunch of cousins...as a kid I was often the leader and creator of games simply by virtue of being the tallest.  Apparently if I don't feel intimidated by my peers, I revert to that kid....
I don't understand why I'm all or nothing.  Completely quiet and passive, or trying to run the show by myself... This is an exaggeration.  I didn't say anything offensive, or put down other people's suggestions...I just talked more, and more passionately, than I would have liked.  

How come some people never seem to say the wrong thing? They never talk too much, or too little, their jokes are funny, they don't complain or rant or gossip...
One of my fellow camp leaders seems to be one of those people, always contributes just the right amount to the group conversation and is always positive.  He's also good looking and around my age.  I'm trying to figure out why I don't have a crush on him.  I think he's great, but I just don't feel any thing for him.
No, I pick the guy with the high-waisted jeans and the thinning hair.  Go figure!

Oh, I know everyone is socially awkward sometimes and I shouldn't beat myself up.  But I'm just not sure how much I like myself right now.  Please let this be a phase and I will settle into a more graceful version of myself.

I was invited to a friend's house this morning.  Her house was neat and tidy and welcoming.  My house is a disaster and an embarrassment.  I just keep wondering how other people seem to have their shit together and I'm so far away from it.

Bright spots:  Got asked in for a job interview, can't make the slot they'd scheduled but am negotiating for another day.  Part time job, but would be a really really good fit for me.
Volunteer management class seems like a good investment.









Sunday 12 May 2013

stalking strategies

There are three possible opportunities to see Big Hands in the next two weeks.  How many do I attend?

Number One is discussion group next week, so that's for certain.

Two is an extra meeting of discussion group (since we got into some meaty topics people wanted to really explore), but I'd have to leave a work meeting early.

Three is a free documentary screening tomorrow, in a topic I'm only sorta interested in.

I'm actually planning to attend Number Two since I RSVP'd for the extra session weeks ago, before the work meeting was scheduled.  I told my boss I'd have to leave early.  I enjoy discussion group for its own sake, but I don't think I'd skip work to go to it if it didn't involve Object of My Obsession.

Uh, when does this cross the line into weird behavior?  I'm surprised that I've done as much as I have in contacting this man.  It almost feels like an alternate me is setting these plans in motion (just by clicking buttons sitting at the computer), and then the real me has to show up at these events.  Not sure that makes sense...

As for his perception of running into me so much, it's not really weird if I come to two discussion group events since I'm in the group.  The documentary might be pushing it though, since it will be a very small group in attendance.

Also, he's got these two friends, a man and a woman, working with him on his community project and the three of them often attend events together and they're quite the little trio.  I will feel too shy to approach him if they're all together.

and...I feel like it's all pretend anyways.  I can't really really imagine this working.

Thursday 9 May 2013

Linky links and thinky thinks

A bunch of links in my facebook feed this morning jumped out at me and I've amused myself by pondering the common thread between them.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
I love this webcomic, just like everybody else on the internet.  Heartbreaking and ....funny (funny isn't the right word, but it's close enough) visual illustration of what depression feels like.  I don't think I ever got this low, never felt 'nothing'.  I got the 'I hate everythings' a lot, and still do, and the inexplicable weeping all the time.   The difference between her experience and mine is that I didn't feel sad 'for no reason'.  I felt life would be great if I had certain things, but that there was no way for me to get them.  And I still don't have those certain things, and I don't know how to get them but I keep trying.

I do get the occasional sads from this, though:
the divide between actual and idealized self

And hey, this was frustrating!  I'll just stop worrying about my lack of a sex life then.
How to not hate dating

Hmm, what else is new?  I've slowed down on looking for events and clubs to join.  I'm feeling a bit behind on the community leadership project and other things, so have been at home a lot more.  Just trying to buckle down and get stuff done, or maybe it's retreating from the world for a bit, I don't know.  I finished all the levels in 'Cursed Treasure' so maybe not working as hard as I think I am.
I am researching 'green cleaners' and am weirdly hooked on how to clean house better.  I read about dustmites and have spent the last two days taking my whole bed apart and vacuuming everything.  Since I do seem to have something compromising my lungs, it really can't hurt to have a clean bedroom.  I've been cleaning out kitchen drawers and cupboards, and have plans to tackle the whole house.  Is this a reaction to not moving out this month?  If I'm going to stay here, I'm going to make it liveable.  Or maybe I'm doing it so I can leave Mom, guilt free.  I don't know, but it's a big project.

A few days ago my friend shared this link and it summed up why I'm confused about how to make a living as an artist without 'selling out'.  It's a very long and dense article about the whole history of the relationship of art and culture to the economy and I don't imagine any of you will read it unless you are also in a creative field.  Anyways, thinking about it a lot.

I'm sorta in an art crisis.  How can I make art without using toxic chemicals and paints and glues?  I'm into using recycled materials but it's hard to fasten them together without new materials.  I've got a whole room devoted to artmaking space and art materials. I can't store any more 'stuff'.  What if my art is just more 'stuff'?
I'm much more interested these days in how I can contribute to making the world better, and I'm not sure art is the way.  I spent a lot of time learning how to draw, and now I'm letting those skills get rusty.  Was learning to draw at the expense of other life skills unlearned?  Or maybe I will find a way to use it.  When you're learning a new skill, you go backwards a bit on the skills you already have as you integrate them with the new skill.

I got on a bike this week for the first time in probably 15 years.  It was terrifying and my legs are all bruised. I can only go in a straight line and I can't really stop confidently.
I really thought I'd be better at this, that those skills would be still there for me.  But I am determined to master it.
It's just, I'm working on really basic stuff right now. How to clean.  How to eat healthy.  How to exercise.  How to write a cover letter.  How to interact with the male of the species.

Nothing happening on the dating scene, probably won't see Big Hands until the next discussion group at the end of the month.  Meanwhile, I'm cleaning the house.



Sunday 5 May 2013

just grumping

A terrible day of teaching.  i'm teaching younger kids than usual and they're too little and can't do anything and I'm not interested in teaching at that level.  It feels like babysitting.
And a kid came back from the water fountain with a mouth full of water and tried to squirt it at me.

So, so grumpy.  It's hot and I didn't eat lunch and it's a short step from 'kid squirts water in my face' to 'society is doomed'.
I just worked myself into a rage over everything today.  That guy didn't stop at the stop sign.  RAGE!
People are trying to exit the train and they can't because people trying to enter the train are pushing against them.  RAGE!  It's a sunny day and the mall is busy and crowded.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

I'm home alone and I have no one to vent to.  As Instafriend put it, "We all want a witness to our lives."  Someone who checks in with us everyday.  WANTWANTWANTWANT.

Since finding out that Big Hands is in fact single, the intensity of the crush has noticeably increased.  I have no outlet for this except repeatedly visiting his facebook page.  I've learned lots of interesting factoids about the fellow, which I'll spare you.  He is wicked smart though, speaks several languages.

You know how kids play House, with someone being the Mom and someone being the Dad and someone being the baby?  I guess it helps them figure out how the world works, and prepare them for future roles.  I almost feel like this crush has a similar role for me.  I can imagine being Big Hand's girlfriend and figure out what I want a relationship to be like.  Figure out what I'm looking for.  Figure out what I have to offer...

And maybe that's behind the grumpiness lately...I don't feel that fond of myself.  Yesterday I was working a four hour shift with a new coworker and it was slow so we were chatting.  (We both went to art school, except about ten years apart.  She's just gradded.)  And I found myself going off on rants on certain topics, making proclaimations as if I were an expert, offering my theories on life, sounding fairly bitter and hogging the conversation.  Exactly like my mother does.
And teaching kids is something I thought I was good at, and I'm struggling with it lately.  Maybe I'm not into it anymore, maybe it's time to face a new challenge and gain new skills.  Oh, so many opportunities for personal growth!  Joy!







Thursday 2 May 2013

Eleanor, internet stalker

I added Big Hands as a facebook friend today and he accepted.  Way to go, Eleanor.  You met him a month ago and have managed to get an email correspondence going and 'ran into him' him three times.   Congratulations, you are a stalker.  (Okay, once was genuinely an accident, and once I accepted an invite to an event because I found out he was going to be there but I might, no probably, would have accepted anyways.  The third time was straight up stalking- I joined a discussion group he organizes)

Facebook confirms that he is single!  And he's only a year and a half younger than me.  (Also that he has lost a parent, poor guy.)


I mentioned I went to an event because Big Hands was the guest speaker.  Talked to him briefly at a break in the proceedings.  He does at least know my name.

 'I'm speaking after the break"
"Oh, are you?"  (plays dumb.)  "You're everywhere!"
"No, you're everywhere!"
"Oh, I'm only here because my friend invited me."

I talked to him again afterwards, even more briefly.  Sorta hoped he'd approach me.  no...he's talking with some of the other presenters...

The pretend-intellectual crush is getting a little more like a crush-crush but it's hard to say.  I'm really bored in that department, haven't crushed on anybody  in about a decade.  He seems to have my values and be a good guy and smart and how often do I meet men I can say that about?  NOT BLOODY OFTEN.  This does not mean we're a good match.  It simply means I can't find a reason to dislike him and he's there.  Okay, he's way cooler than that, but that still doesn't mean he's my soulmate.  Still, asking him to coffee would be a good challenge for me. What is the time frame for this?


In other news, keeping busy.  Three jobs, adding up to a whooping 16 hours a week maximum.  Woohoo!
Finally attempted to do my taxes, and can't find the paperwork I need.  Ummm, probably because I haven't updated my filing cabinet in a year, just piled stuff on top.

Had a temper tantrum at myself.  It's not like I was too busy, being unemployed and all.  Seriously, what do I do with my time?  Ignored taxes for a while, cleaned room instead.  Felt much better.  Still haven't done taxes.  2012 was a bad year for income, I'd really rather not know the total amount.
I did start a budget for myself to track where I spend money, and another spreadsheet for invoices I've issued.  OPERATION FIXMYLIFE.