My life is too weird

Readers, this is not a joke blog.  This stuff really happens to one awkward 30-something Canadian girl.
Tomorrow I have an interview for a job at a sex toy shop.
No I don't believe it either.

It's a classier shop, as they go, but I am in panic mode.
It's only a phone interview, I should say, but still...

I am getting nowhere on looking for a job.  I was reading the classifieds and remarked to Nerdboy that his favourite cheese shop and his favourite sex toy shop were hiring.  He said, 'Apply for both'.
I didn't apply for the cheese shop, as it was full time and I don't need to spend that much time with cheese.  But the sex toy shop only wanted someone 10 hours a week and I applied on a lark.  He thought it would be good for me, and for a minute I convinced myself I was cool enough about sex.  While writing my cover letter I had all sorts of meltdowns and baggage and wanted not to do it but finally wrote something about my first experience buying a sex toy and hit 'send'.
So now they want to interview me.
This is nuts.

In my whole life, I don't think I've had sex 30 times yet.  I've used two toys, but they don't actually look like penises.  And anal, and bondage and who knows what else....?  It's all foreign territory.

I can't do this job.  I can't even talk to Nerdboy about sex.  It took me ages to work up the courage to get a 'how to have an orgasm' book from the public library.  I can't tell my grandmother where I work.  And what if someone I know comes in to shop?

Anyways, I have so much more I could be writing about but it's Halloween and there's pumpkins to carve.

A new project

It was a busy week for me and I didn't see Nerdboy for 3 nights.  When I did see him, it was immediately a pants-free zone.  After we'd had a little romping around, I blurted out that I thought we should write a sex comic together.  See, he'd sent me a link to Oh Joy Sex Toy  (WARNING:  The current comic on the front page is about anal.  Which I'm not into.)  Anyways, it's a husband and wife reviewing sex toys in a comic book format, and it makes having fun with sex seem normal and okay to talk about.  I'm not quite at that point yet....
I said I thought we had such an interesting story and there was so much material (and material yet to come).  He said, 'Almost-virgin meets sex addict?  Nothing interesting about that...."
He's actually really keen on the idea of the comic and when we talked about anonymity he said he'd post it on his facebook page.   He's not embarrassed.  I however, would be, so we haven't worked that out yet.
I like how open he is.  I'm very private to the point of secretive, except here, where I'm anonymous.
I almost told him that there is an online community for people struggling with dating/sex/vaginismus and that I'd commented a few times... He'd be cool with that, but if he tried to check out those sites he'd find this blog fairly quickly I think.  Ack, moral ambiguity of hiding this blog from him!
Anyways, I'd be drawing the comic for that audience, and for Nerdboy and me.

And we had a nice conversation remembering favourite moments we've had together.  He said he doesn't really remember his first time with many of his partners, but he'll never forget his first time with me.  Probably because I cried...
This process of getting my body used to sex has meant so much to me, and he can see that, and it makes him feel special to be that person.  I thought no one would want me, and in fact my virginity brought us closer together and maybe even ...excited him.  Go figure!

I really can't believe my own life right now.

Grumpiness ensues

Okay, stuff happened this weekend and something's making me grumpy and I'm not exactly sure what it is.

There was a late night talk about Nerdboy's traumatic relationship and the stuff he's had to work through because of it.  I didn't know what to say.  I only wanted to know what I should do to help him through it when he has a bad day. His past is so different from mine.

It was Canadian Thanksgiving, a long weekend.  Nerdboy made it through a dinner with my extended family. He gets a bit stressed out at meeting new people, at first we sat away from everyone else.  Then he warmed up and talked to people, mostly about food (he'd baked two pies and a lasagne).  We played a board game after dinner which doesn't bring out the best in him.  I like to stack my extra game pieces into towers, and Nerdboy kept knocking them over, which upset me way out of proportion.  It just seemed plain out mean, and in front of my family too.

I watched him do a half marathon and was so proud when he came up to the finish line.
Then he spent most of the rest of the day on his computer looking at imgur, which to me seems like the internet quoting itself, it's everything that's dumb about the internet.  Have I mentioned I really hate lolcats? Life is too short to spend time looking at captioned photos of cats.  (Never mind that I have pinned over 600 pictures of dresses on Pinterest....)

Meanwhile, I was trying to work on a presentation about waste reduction for my environment committee, and I really wanted Nerdboy to give me feedback as I practiced it.  I'm really passionate about this stuff, part of me hoped that he would get why it's important to me, and get a sense of how I want to live my life.  I know that's hoping for a lot.  If nothing else he could give quite sensible advice about the presentation itself and Powerpoint tips.
I was trying to tell him it was important and he was being silly and said he'd watch the slide show if I did it topless, which didn't go over well.  I didn't get mad, I just reiterated that it really meant a lot to me and what sort of things I wanted his advice on.  Oh, I wanted someone with the same passion for the environment as me and I didn't get that and is that going to be something that drives us apart?

Meanwhile, my sister-in-law was in labour all day.
Finally she had a baby girl and they named it something really trendy that I don't like.  A vowelly type of name, like "Isla" or "Ella".   My mom had spent the day babysitting their other two kids and our old dog had been alone all day, so she asked me to go to check on him, so I had to leave the boyfriend and the presentation and go out to the suburbs to feed the dog.  I'm at Mom's now.

I'm feeling like such a flake lately.  I intended to come walk my dog and help my Mom fix the house.  I've got unanswered emails in my inbox, and I should be putting more effort into finding a job.

More stuff that happens to me

Well let's see.... I'm still very unemployed.  Last week I had two job interviews for childcare and I don't think I'll get either.  And I don't even want to do part-time childcare for $15 an hour, that's really not all that appealing.  But my whole career so far has been art and teaching art to children so I don't know which way to go.  My sister is buying a small business and everyone thinks she's crazy but I support her and wish I had her courage.
I haven't slept at my own place all week.  It was Nerdboy's birthday last week and he took two days off work and it just keeps ending up that I'm at his place late at night and so I stay.
There was about two days this week when I kept hoping he'd make a move on me and he didn't seem to want to, and when I started kissing him he said he didn't feel like doing anything sexual.  He said his sex drive can disappear and the best thing for him to do is not worry about it until it comes back.  I was a bit hurt, even though he assured me it had nothing to do with me.
I needn't have worried.  The next night we were watching tv and halfway through the show he was ravishing me on the couch.  He said his sex drive came back mid-morning at work and he'd been thinking about me all day.  I really didn't mind.  And this morning we tried some new positions and I found one I liked....

Is this really my life?  All of this is so weird to me.  It's like I've been dropped into a new life.   Or like I've walked on the moon for the first time.  I can't believe I'm having sex, enjoying sex, feeling more and more comfortable with sex, and that it happens several times a week.  I keep saying 'this isn't real.....' which Nerdboy thinks is funny.

Mostly I go around in a big love haze for this man, and occasionally I freak out at how different he is from what I thought I wanted.
Him being bisexual hasn't really been an issue, except when he likes the same actors I do.  And this morning he said he liked that I was tomboyish, which I wasn't too happy about.

Still a bit worried that I don't contribute enough, he cooks and drives and just generally gets stuff done for me.  I really want to be a 'helpmate'.

So yeah, that's this week.   Really need to get an income, otherwise life is pretty new and exciting.

A whole bunch of little things

A bunch of small updates.  Have I really only been with this guy for two months?

I threw myself a birthday and housewarming party and 5 people came, plus the male roommate joined in.  Nerdboy met Walrus, which was awkward.  Instafriend said she caught Walrus raising an eyebrow at a few things Nerdboy said, but other than that Walrus seemed fine.  Nerdboy got a little nervous I think, and had a glass of wine, and talked a lot.  He would jokingly put down other people's taste in music and movies, and it was just, just, just on the edge of being mean.

I said very little the whole evening, just watched my friends interact.  The group seemed to get along fine and the roommate fit in well.

It happened that the female guests left early and Walrus, Nerdboy and Roommate were left.  We were doing dishes, I was hoping Walrus would leave but somebody made him a cup of tea and he seemed settled in to stay put for a while.  I mentioned we hadn't played the board game sitting on the table, and the roommate wanted to get a game going.  So we did, for some reason.  

But we played, and it seemed ok.  Nerdboy, I think, was privately freaking out just as I suspected, and got flustered trying to explain the rules of the game.  The roommate became the key person keeping the group together, as he was the only 'neutral' one at the table.  You know, the only person I hadn't slept with.....

Anyways.  Nerdboy is very competitive and did not play a friendly game, even to me.  I won anyways.  It was after midnight, Nerdboy had his car but didn't offer Walrus a ride, which I could understand.

Afterwards Instafriend said Nerdboy was a great physical match for me and we'd have cute babies.  She said he was kinda weird but she liked him.  She said something about recognizing that he fell somewhere on the autism/Asperger's spectrum and that her husband does too and she knows how to deal with it.  Uh, what?

Since that event, the doubts have grown.  He didn't shine at the party, he didn't make a good impression on my friends.  He didn't do anything wrong, he just was a bit opinionated.

Then his bathroom got reno'ed and he spent some time at my place. I don't feel comfortable having him sleep at my place, and although we did shower together, sexy times weren't an option if I thought the other roommates would even guess what we were up to.  I'm so private about sex.  I don't want people to know I have a sex life, but when I didn't have a sex life, I didn't want them to know that either!

The reno went two days longer than expected and my bed hurt his back so we tried to stay at his place even though it wasn't done, and we had to deal with a bathroom with no door and no shower.  He got super stressed that it wasn't done and that we couldn't have a quiet Saturday at home and that his stuff wasn't in the right place.  

Nerdboy is OCD, I mean he used to go to a psychiatrist and he's been diagnosed as such.  (I really should get him to tell me more about this.  Kinda important.)   He needs things to be a particular way.  I'm completely the opposite, I grew up in chaos and clutter.
He gets really snippy when he's stressed and takes it out on me.  When the bathroom was finally done and he was putting everything back, I was trying to help but I put some things in the wrong place and I got treated like an idiot.  I went and sat on the couch and let him do it alone.  He had no idea I was upset and once everything was back in place he was back to being loving boyfriend again....

Sometimes when he's cooking, I ask if there's anything I can do to help and he says 'Stand there and look pretty.'   I HATE THAT.

Anyways, next time I get snarked at, I'm saying something.  Because that weekend, there was no way I was going to spend a lifetime with someone who makes me feel stupid.

We have sex a lot.  It's going quite well.  He starts with his fingers, sometimes even that hurts.  It hurts when he enters me, but very quickly it goes away and starts to feel good.  I don't think I'm having orgasms.  Partial orgasms?  Mini-orgasms?  I don't know.  I didn't think we'd get this far this quickly but am obviously curious about what it feels like to have the real deal.
We've had some good conversations about sex lately....how casual sex freaks me out (he's done it, I don't expect I ever will), how he feels about being my only lover, how I feel about the vasectomy, etc

He really is a great partner to introduce me to sex.  I couldn't ask for better.  I hope I'm not just keeping for the sex, haha.  And his great cooking.  He's a little weird but he's mine.

In non-relationship news, I added up my expenses this month and yikes!  I've needed to invest in stuff for the move, and for the new bike, and the trip to the wedding.  One of my teaching gigs was cancelled so I desperately need a source of income.  I have a job interview this week for childcare, horrible hours.  I'd work before school 7-9am and then have a 5 hour break then work again 2-6pm.  Ironically the place is near where I used to live with Mom.  If I get the job I'll spend the break at her house, and walk my old dog and watch some tv and hopefully make some art.

I was supposed to face my dad today for a 'talk' but am feeling sick and cancelled.  Might write him a letter instead.

Life is so full these days.  I'm sure I've missed little things I wanted to record.