a crack

small updates
i was lurking on okcupid but then decided to put up the briefest of profiles and a mysterious photo.
Why?  Don't know.  Not ready to meet these men.
Got a bunch of likes and generic 'hey nice profile' messages.  A few directed at me but they mostly made me roll my eyes.  Starting off with 'I'm socially liberal and fiscally conservative' does nothing for me...

Hey single guys, if your profile picture features you in a Halloween costume, you with a bunch of guys, you with a bunch of women, holding a beer or holding a fish you just caught, I move on.
(EDIT:  just read an article on what makes an effective dating profile.  Apparently photos of men with a woman in them make the man more desirable.  And basically everything I don't like (generic language, short messages, names that sound cutesy/sexy for women) are what the majority of people like.  This proves my theory that most people operate on a much shallower plane than I do.)

I work through March, solid.  weekends too.  Now I get money?  Universe, you are messing with my head.

No car yet.  It's overwhelming but I going to need it to get through March.

Nerdboy cracked a little.  My mail is still going to his house, he suggested he could meet me at a bus stop as I bussed home from work.  (There were ways he could get it to me without seeing me but this is what he picked).  So there was texting to time it up, and he handed it to me through the door of the bus.  Then he texted 'sorry if that was awkward. I thought you'd want to keep moving.'
Then he said 'part of me wanted to invite you back but it's way too soon.'

Instant tears, on the bus.
'Don't.....' was all I wrote.

struggling

Well it's sinking in that things are over.  I still hope, still daydream he'll text me and I'll run to him.
It wasn't working, I love him.  both things are true and I'm confused.
People tell me the next one will be better and ...there was room for improvement...
but I still have to grieve the end of this.

And because I was told to 'get my shit together' and my shit is definitely not together, I'm freaking out about my lack of success.  Back at Mom's, found a bunch of my old notebooks and all the lists of goals, exactly the same as what I write today, still not any closer to achieving any of them.
34 years old and my assets include a bunch of art books and my childhood collection of 80s My Little Ponies.

I work a few hours a day teaching six days a week, I'm always on the bus.  I'm stressed.

I wanted to do my own art but this schedule which is supposed to support that is the thing getting in the way of it.

Professionally, I've gotten a lot of 'noes' and 'you're not ready' and I'm so crushed.  I need experience, need to feel like I have some marketable skills, and yet every day  I deal with other people who are really not good at their job and I wonder how they got the position.

I had a little bit of savings locked up and they just came due this week.  This was the money Nerdboy wanted me to go back to school with.  But I want to buy a car.
I run around the city, carried bags of art supplies, it's poured rain this week and I have to wear gumboots and a slicker.  I arrive looking a mess, sweaty, with soggy papers.
A car, a car, a car.  Just a little $2000 beater.  It would give me freedom, it would give me something to build on for my teaching.  I could put a graphic on it advertising my classes.

I told my mom last night and she dumped on the idea.  Insurance is so much!  You can't afford it!  The car won't be reliable!

And I started to cry and cry.  'I can't have a house, I can't have babies, I can't even have a stupid car."
Mom said, "You can have those things, you just need to regroup for a few months"

My mom is bad at comforting.  she doesn't hug.  She says awkward things.
My mom is maybe depressed or mentally ill, she doesn't clean the house and she shuts down a lot when she doesn't like what her children are up to.

I just cried on the couch and she went to bed without saying anything.  Today she texted she was worried.  My sister said, 'Huh.  That's more than I ever got'

What does she expect me to do for these three months, stuck here in the suburbs and commuting 16 hours a week.  yes I know the car is a financial strain but whatever job I get I'll need it.

and I don't ever see a house and babies in my future.

Sometimes my dreams seem so small and so far away.  I picked art over those other things....but what is it getting me.

maybe i don't want him back

just some thoughts to myself.  when i'm sad I hate to be alone.  My friends all checked up on me last week, but tonight no one is answering and today has been rough.

I work 6 days a week, and since the break up I've had things to do on my day off as well.  So not time to process, my work needs me to be 'on' and smiling.

Last weekend Nerdboy drove boxes of stuff to mom's.  I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time and we unloaded the boxes.  That went ok, so I went back with him for the second load.  We sort of know how to be around each other, sitting in the passenger seat felt normal, and yet everything was changed   I did ask him how he was doing, who he'd told, if he drank (just once, he said)....There was a third trip to the recycling depot and he stopped by his, formerly our, place. I sat in the car.  He came back with a sandwich for me and I lost it.  Waaaaah, he's being nice to me.

Then laughed.  "It's really hard to cry and eat"

I also saw him briefly Sunday when I went by for forgotten items.  I had a horrible experience, I'm running these recycling workshops and rented a large venue. Then the venue got all mad because I had used some plates from the kitchen.  They wouldn't let me wash them.  There's more to the story, but anyways- I ranted to him about it.

How easily we could slip into being friends...I thought.

is that good or bad?

Monday there was texting about a craigslist item.  He said he'd be happy if he sold three items. I snarked about him being happy.  Silence for a few days.  One practical texting about mail today.

Right, because everybody needs the play by play of every interaction.

The point is, I hate being at Mom's.  I don't think I can forgive him for dumping me here.  If you're not here for the bad times, why would I come back to you when I'm more successful?
And was I getting what I want?  Not kisses, not sex, not emotional closeness, not even a friggin' 'How was your day?'  There was friendship, there was affection, there were small kindnesses but I waited so long to be loved.  I wanted to be adored.

I hate the thought of starting over, but maybe it's good if I sleep with more than one man in my life.  Maybe I could find someone who is so interested in me we stay up all night talking...And hey, maybe I'd find someone who actually likes kissing with tongue.

I opened an OK Cupid account just now.  No picture, no profile, just a lurker.  Gosh, everyone is so good looking.  Only a few people I recognized from last time I had an account.  A lot of polyamory, don't think that's my thing.

I look like shit right now.  Size 14, almost 200 pounds.  Scruffy thrift store clothes.

And yet, one bright side, work continues to pour in.  I don't have the energy these opportunities deserve, but I can't let them go by.

Break-Up Posts are the Worst...

Post break-up analysis:

The sads have lessened, anger has moved in.

At least I have friends checking in on me, and everyone's got their opinion.  Some are pro-Nerdboy, some think I should move on.

But I still would go back in a second.  Despite what you're about to read.

~~~

I'm at my mothers, in the suburbs.  Her house is a mess (a disaster) and she's looking after my sister's 15 year old dog.  The dog paces constantly, waiting for her master to come back (still another week on my sister's holiday).  My 12 hour a week commute to work is now going to be 17.

I'm almost flat broke, and it's the beginning of the month, so who knows when I can find an apartment.  I might be here a while.  I guess I'll clean mom's house.

~~~

My sister said to tell him my side, to tell him I wasn't giving up.

So I wrote him a letter.

It was very tear-stained, but I think I said stuff like "Both Walrus and (platonic friendship that ended in massive fight eight years ago) Elaine told me I made them feel not good enough for me."
I don't know what it is, what am I doing?  Is this a pattern? I can be so righteous, so holier-than-thou.
Granted these people have been a bit broken, each in their own way, and my expectations might not have been entirely the problem.

But I suspect Nerdboy has Aspergers or some sort of unique brain wiring that doesn't work the way I expect it to, and he knows that and it's painful for him.  From reading the autism forums, I could see his side- no one wants to be always coached and corrected and feel 'wrong' their whole life.

Not that I've ever even breathed the 'A' word to him.

I said I didn't want my dreams to come at the cost of his. (re: me not having a steady income)

I said I don't get how your brain works but I think you did show you love(d) me.  But you were a bit unpredictable and I spent a lot of time trying to react to your brain, overreacting probably, my little ship always tipping over in your waves.

I said I did love him and had agreed to marry him with joy and with clear eyes.

~~~

Sleepless night.  The next morning I felt a bit foolish about the letter, worried I hadn't said enough about finding stable work.  There was a reply from him in my email, which I read at 6am.

And at the time I accepted what he said and felt at peace.  (Hey, 6am brain is not the sharpest.)
And I went through my day with a smiley mask on, but in the back of my mind I was turning it over.

(please excuse the pronoun trouble here.)
His response:  We are stagnating.  He feels trapped.  I (Eleanor) don't know what I want from him or from life, and he's been waiting two years.  I need to figure my shit out, I need to work on me, he doesn't want to push those decisions.  I talk about changes and don't do them, he feels he can't rely on me.
Maybe we can get back together if you get your shit together, maybe not.  We don't work and he can't go back to the way it was.

That is the bare bones of it, he did pad it a little so that on the first read all I got was that there was a chance we could get back together (ever hopeful...)

I said I needed to think about it.  And now I think a break is good.  For both of us.
I have a lot to say about it, but haven't replied.

1 Stagnating since...you proposed six weeks ago?
2. And what did you do about it, good sir?  Did you peep one fucking peep to your beloved wife to be?
3. Don't know what I want?  I've asked you for what I want, over and over:  shows of affection.  check-ins about my day, challenge each other, ask about my plans, my dreams.  Did you tell me what you wanted from me or from life?  I asked you repeatedly.
4. Yes I have been bouncing around job-wise for two years, but I've also started a small business that is doing ok, and there's been a learning curve.  Can you not see my achievements, my growth?  heck, you were my first long term relationship and I had no choice but to grow and no idea what I was doing.
5. Yes we talked about me going into (blank) industry but in my heart I didn't want to do that, I was only agreeing to it because a. I was tired of the instability of my income and b I thought it would make our relationship better if i was less stressed and we had a bigger apartment.
6.You can't rely on me for what exactly?  I'm not an irresponsible person, I just am trying to be an artist which is a difficult path.
7. WHY DID YOU PROPOSE?  WHY?

So, anger.  Legitimate anger I think.  He sees me as chaos, because he needs order.  he doesn't see my work as work, he doesn't see the obstacles I'm facing.  He makes me pay 50% of everything even though his income is twice mine.  We didn't even buy furniture together, I paid for the dresser we share.

So before I was scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan to get off this poverty cycle, lose 30 pounds and desperately trying to figure out why my relationship was failing.
Now I'm scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan, lose 30 pounds, get over a broken heart, decide to fight for him or move on, clean my hoarder-mother's house, and commuting 2 or 3 hours a day for a few hours of teaching (six days a week).
So thanks, Nerdboy.  I guess I'll 'work on me' then.  Nowhere to go but up at this point.

Question 8:  if you can't stick with me in my troubled times, how can a marriage last?

~~~
He has messaged me throughout the day 'Your family must think I'm awful'.  'Darn I didn't get to watch that DVD collection I gave your for Christmas' (that went over like a ton of bricks)  Then a link about a nose cleaning spray....

Tonight he dropped off boxes of my stuff at my moms.  we didn't talk.  just an awkward pause at the door.  'Guess i'll talk to you later then', he said.

~~~
I am slightly worried that I am unreliable.  I seem to get into scrapes and crises.  Elaine had to get me out of some deadline jams, my mom took my dog and the pile of crap I left behind, Nerdboy always had to cover my rent or drive me around.

crisis

Last night Nerdboy sat on the couch with his hands folded, I was putting some sweatpants on...I looked at him and knew it was bad.  He said, "I want to break up".  I swore.

I wasn't shocked, maybe a moment of relief that I wasn't the only one hurting.
But pretty much started crying.  the whole evening, the whole night, the whole morning.

he said stuff like, "I can't make you happy, I can't be what you want.  I wish we were just best friends because I want you in my life, I really care about you, I haven't been close to anyone in a long time"

I said really articulate stuff like, "Fuck.  Nooooo.  Nooooooo."

I had so many doubts and then he pulls the plug and I dig in and refuse to accept it.
Because I do love him?  Because I can't stand more rejection and failure?

As it was only 7pm in the evening, we played MarioKart and I cried while playing.

He slept on the couch, I on the bed.

I guess tonight I'll go to my mom's.

Oh fuck. I don't want to give up my little life, I don't want to start over, I don't want to hurt him.