This day is excruciatingly long.

Reviewing the Situation

I blocked him on facebook.  I decided to reopen my OKCupid account, just now.  Mostly I just want to see what's out there.  I don't know why.  It's something to do.
But of course I went and looked at his profile and it's been updated.  I knew he was getting emails from OKCupid.  I saw him checking his email last week.
He's got some line about if you like to debate politics, "I just might want to take you to the bedroom right now."  He never took me to the bedroom "right now", and we did talk politics.  I would try and start something and he'd fall asleep.
That hurts.  I knew I shouldn't have gone anywhere near OKCupid at this moment.

How long ago did he start looking for someone else?  If I had the power, I'd tell him to leave those poor girls on the internet alone until he figures his shit out.

Basically he looks more and more like a jerk the more I think about it.  Something you, dear reader, probably saw all along.

Part of me just wants to go back to last September when I was the prettiest girl in the world.  So he got tired of me, and passive-aggressively strung me along.  Pretty happy to let me clean his room and buy him dinner and all the while feeling I was stifling him.  Baloney!  He should have been a man and said something.  Considering he's rebelling at having to tell the group home what time he'll be back, I shouldn't be surprised he didn't like it when I told him not to drink.

My sister used to work with the disabled and she said after a major injury, the newly disabled take about two years to come to grips with it.  I wish she'd told me that before.  I can see it with Walrus.  He didn't have good coping skills, wasn't growing.

My sister turned out to be quite wise and supportive in all of this.  Weird, because she used to be the one saying the most hurtful things.  I didn't feel taken seriously (as a grown woman) by my family until I had this relationship.

She said it hurts now, but I bet in a few days you'll be feeling free.  None of his crap is your problem anymore!  She said I'll bet you wished you'd broken up with him first.  She told me about her first boyfriend, in high school, and all the stuff he did that we didn't see.  He was always around our place, and I didn't really like him, or like my sister when she was with him.  She said she was always a little bit ashamed of him and didn't feel like she could do better.  She tried to break up with him but his mom went into the hospital and she felt like a jerk and couldn't do it.  Then he broke up with her and my sister was pissed!

I think I was ashamed of Walrus.  Then it became my role to be the saintly girlfriend and I liked that.
That is probably the most hurtful thing:  I thought I was helping.  I thought he'd realize how much I do for him during this week apart.  He said he felt great, felt free without me around.  I was crushed.  I couldn't form sentences.  I put my head on my knees and cried.

I wasn't ever in love with him.  Both of us deserve better than that.  The relationship wasn't ever going to work without that.  I need to remember that.  Really wish I hadn't spent all that money on him though!  Bastard!

This is no big news flash but I want my right person right now.  I want to have my hair stroked and big arms around me and to feel loved and safe in that love.  Other people have it.  They say it just feels so comfortable and right, from the very start.  What's wrong with me?  What's wrong with me?

My sister and I talked about me being critical.  I don't know if we got to any conclusions.  She said that it's usually things that bother you about yourself that bother you in others.  I think I said that here recently as well.  It doesn't immediately apply, since I don't drink and I do recycle.  I thought it might have something to do with discipline, but that was stretching it.  Being ashamed of him made more sense.  I was mad at him for not being what I wanted.  Oddly, my sister said that it had been mentioned at a family event (that I was absent from) that I didn't drink, and an aunt remarked that my great-grandmother, whom I never knew, was like that.  Didn't like drinking, dancing, swearing.  They all thought it was funny that I was a bit of a throwback to that.  I'm fine with dancing, by the way.  So maybe this righteousness is genetic!  It's not making me happy though.  My sister said I was hard on her, growing up.  (My sister was hard on me, physically!)  I'm hard on myself.

My sister said something about me building a wall around me.  What does that mean?  I don't see it.  Is it just something you say to people who don't date?   That, and 'you're just picky'.

My sister also said "He stressed me out a bit.  Like, that time you guys came to my place, he kept turning up the radio even when I asked him not to. We live in a condo and it was late at night."  And that put the final nail on the coffin.

I guess I learned something from the relationship, if nothing else.  Wonder if Walrus did.

I think there is a second crash coming, when I'm over Walrus but faced with the emptiness of the summer ahead....I applied to do some volunteer work for the next three months.  I'll find out next week if I'm picked.
I need to make more friends, get out there.  (I'm so pissed about choir!  I'm going to miss it, but it would be so awkward to go without him and explain to everyone.)

I just want something that's mine. I'm getting nowhere.

End of story.

Went to talk to him today.  It took a long time to get to the point.  Lots of silence. He said i stifled him.  I cried (and cried) and went home.  He showed me to the door and tried to hug me and whispered, "I still love you." I said, "Don't say that" and slipped out the door.
Fuck.
If that was his intention, he could have saved me the trip out there.
Wish I'd had the balls to do it first.

Nothing new, nothing doing

At this point I just want to make up but I'm trying to stick to my guns about this one-week separation.
I wanted more from the relationship.  Turns out, so did he.  I was critical of him in so many ways.  He wants to be loved for who he is, faults and all, as he loved me.
There's so much against us- the stroke, his recent breakup, both of us jobless, and more or less homeless, my inexperience, the lack of intimacy and privacy, our crazy families...
I am sort of amazed we got this far.

And yet, I don't want to give up on him.  What is going to happen?

Purgatory

Walrus responded to my request for time apart with one sentence: 'well, if that's what you want.'
Then he changed his facebook status from 'in a relationship' to 'single'
I wrote to say I didn't consider us over until we talked face to face.  He didn't answer.
I can't tell if he was just being sulky, or mentally preparing himself for a breakup, or asking for attention, or if he provoked a fight to get me to break up with him.

The male brain works very differently than the female's, it seems.  Several women have told me their men will take off to do something fun without thinking.
I couldn't believe Walrus didn't understand how upset I was when I left crying, but my sister laughed wryly.  "They don't understand stuff like that.  You have to say it clearly."
When I'm upset, I am withdrawn. I might cry but try to hide it from him to see if he notices.  I think I wanted him to dig for the problem, which is exactly what I do if someone is acting strange.  Men seem to blame hormones or general female complicatedness and ignore our craziness until confronted with a concrete problem.  (I don't like generalizations like this, but they seem to be applicable.)

Anyways.  His mother has written twice.  I stopped answering.  Went to visit the sister-in-law yesterday and we took the baby to the park- the one where Walrus and I first made out.  I didn't do well- felt physically exhausted and couldn't concentrate.

Walrus sees his neuro-psychiatrist today and I have high hopes that he can sort things out by talking to her.  The number one thing is that he deals with his depression, if that is indeed what it is.  The booklet she sent me on depression was very helpful and I could see how some of my actions had probably hurt instead of helped.  It was starting to feel like laziness on his part, even though I was still calling it 'fatigue' and was patient with it for a long time.  I became a nag, a nurse, and guilty of 'overcaring.' Maybe I'll do a post on her tips on supporting someone with depression, since most of us will experience depression or know someone who has it.  My mom has some form of it, I believe.  If we had the skills to support them, it might do someone somewhere some good.

My sister, once again, said some wise things yesterday.  Who knew?
She said it's all emotional responses.  That's how we react first.  When Walrus was missing, I wanted to break up with him.  That was an emotional response to protect myself from getting hurt again.
When Walrus told me his side of things, I felt guilty, and wanted to get back together to make it up to him, and to feel better about myself.  Now that he's essentially broken up with me, I want another chance.
She also pointed out that my nagging him about not drinking and eating right was a way to protect myself from the possibility of him having another stroke, and she thinks he needs to hear that.
The best thing, she thought, is time for both of us to think.  We will know if we feel better or worse being apart.
So, I did the right thing in asking for time.  Hopefully he is doing some thinking too and we can decide mutually what to do.  I am thinking about him a lot and really want him to succeed in his recovery.

Everybody weighs in

The drama continues...and everybody is giving me their advice.  I did ask for it, but now I'm confused and stalling.
His mother wrote to me this morning asking me to give him another chance.  She said Walrus' dad used to drink and they fought about it but now he doesn't and they've been married for 40 years.
I cried.

Then Walrus texted me with the usual 'good morning, dear' and I had to explain that we were in a crisis situation.  He said, "for a crisis, you've said precious little about it."
He didn't understand why I was upset, which should be infuriating to me but is strangely not.
So I went through the whole series of events with him and told him what I felt at each moment.
He came back with "I just needed to get away and have fun and be myself. You're always telling me what to do.  Don't do this!  Don't do that!  Do you realize how demoralizing it is?"

(On the night of The Incident, my sister asked me what I did to him.  She said it takes two to tango, and I bring something to this conflict.  She said it doesn't make the other person right, necessarily, but they will have a complaint of their own that's making them react badly.  I said, "I'm critical"  She said, "Well, there you go.")

So there you go.  I knew what was making him act that way, deep inside. He said you can't change somebody with "don'ts" and it made him feel like he was an oaf, a burden, and that he could not be what I wanted.

At that point I did say 'then this isn't working'  (and by 'say', I mean text)  but it somehow got lost in the conversation.  I asked why he hadn't said anything earlier.  We had talked about this once before, and I said please tell me if I'm being critical.  (And why that lets me off the hook, I don't know.)

I know I'm self-righteous and judgmental.  If you read the blog you know I'm not shy about telling other people how they should live.  And as painful as it is to recall, my former best friend told me I made her feel bad about her music choices and other unimportant things like that.

So, I am learning about myself.   It's not fun.

I said, "I wanted to talk to you about things this weekend.  As it turns out, I guess neither of us were happy.  Have you noticed we're not kissing as much, not saying good night to each other?"   Then he asked why I was unhappy and I explained about how he hasn't been trying as hard to stay positive and push himself, and then we had a long conversation about that.  He revealed how hopeless he's been feeling about not having a place to live.  It really hit me how much he's been slipping into this dark frame of mind.
I think he needed to hear it too, and I think, I hope, it gave him a bit of a jolt.  At that moment, he phoned a co-op housing place he's been interested in.  Awkward timing, but a positive step nonetheless.

We decided to end the conversation at that point.  I said maybe we should stay apart for a few days.  He said maybe.
Yes I know, that's not breaking up with him.  Maybe I'm just stalling.  We've already said we both were hurting so maybe that's all we need to know.
His mother asked me not to give up on him.
People are complicated and fragile.  He did a stupid thing, but getting drunk is not that big a deal in the big scheme of things.  It is upsetting to me, but that's because I'm a goody-goody.  Women forgive husbands who cheat, and find a way to love them again.
I'm not decided either way.  It's hard to change, and it's hard to feel like you've failed at something.  But if it isn't going to work, no point dragging it out.  Everyone feels like they leave a relationship much later than they should have.

Here's some advice I've been given:
"Talking it out can do a lot"
"Different lifestyles are never going to mesh"
"You've got to concentrate on the positive in a relationship and ride out the bumps"
"Both partners have to be working towards a common goal"
"You can save some people, not all.  It takes a lot out of you"
"He's just trying to be normal"

I've been advised to end it, and to work it out.  My sister actually said wise things while staying neutral- who knew?

At the moment, I've proposed to Walrus a few days' break from each other, and then a face-to-face hash out to decide what to do.  I am waiting to hear back.
I wrote to his mother to say that we had talked it out and were deciding what to do.  I wrote to his neuro-psychiatrist to say we had had a fight and that I was concerned about his mood.  She wrote back to thank me for letting her know, that she would assess his mood this week and that she could send me some info on depression and meet with me if I wanted.
And then, being a busybody with a guilty conscience, I wrote to two of his friends and asked if they'd make an effort to contact Walrus this week.  One I told about the fight, one I didn't.

Meanwhile, I'm tired and cry easily.

Part Three: Unreal

This has been a miserable few days.  If I stop to observe myself, I find it fascinating that I am blogging my way through it.  Good thing I don't tweet!
The weird thing is that I keep checking to see how many people have read the latest post.  I would appreciate encouraging comments if you're reading this.  Please!

So yes.

I was so stressed out yesterday I was sick to my stomach.  I chickened out about calling his parents, then at the last minute I did call the hotel and no one at the front desk answered.
For some reason I stayed around until noon, made sure Walrus had his pills and breakfast and that the house was presentable.  Then I called my mom.  I told Walrus I was angry and that I was leaving.  He was still very out of it.  Either that, or emotionally shut down.
Right before I left I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything.  He said, 'No.  Why?  What's going on with you?'
I said, "It was a pretty shitty night for me"
"Why?"
"Because I was worried about you"

He did get up and moved slowly towards me and tried to kiss my cheek but I stood there frozen.
I went to put my shoes on.  I was crying.  He stayed on the far side of the room.  I'm pretty sure he could hear me but he didn't stop me.  In fact he moved towards the sliding door to the outdoors.  I said goodbye loudly and left.

I felt quite calm telling my mom.  I went home and napped.
My sister checked up on me.  I said I was fine.  
My friend called from the frozen north and I told her the story too.  Telling about the very last moments of leaving him makes me cry.  She was very much in favour of dumping him, and dumping him immediately.  I told her I was waiting until he was sorta with it again, and back at his group home, instead of alone with his parents' liquor cabinet.  She agreed that was a good idea.  

I was restless all afternoon, and started working on an art project.  I kept checking my phone and email a lot.  After dinner I started to feel sick again, worrying that I was obligated to call his parents just to finalize the house sitting.  No word from Walrus or them.  I started to write an email to his mom but didn't send it.  Had he told them what had happened?  Were they upset I had left him there alone?
She phoned me around 9, cheerfully thanking me looking after the house.  She said she hoped the pets gave me no trouble, and Walrus too.  I said, "He didn't tell you?"  I briefly told her the story.  She said 'What a turkey!  I am flabbergasted. I don't know what to say.'  She said she hoped we worked it out soon.

I was fine until I lay down for bed.  Then I cried.  I am worried about Walrus and feeling sorry for him.  He's going through a rough time and I'm sorry I can't stick it through, but he's hurting himself and me.

Then I felt sorry for myself.
No job, no boyfriend, few friends, not speaking to father.  Back to square one.  How do I find a new guy?  Online dating seems so unappealing now, even more than before. It's a lot of work and a lot of awkwardness.

I even thought the dreaded question, "What's wrong with me?" and cried harder than ever.

Other people are getting married and starting families.  I had a 9 month long relationship and didn't even manage to have sex.  I am so bitter about that!  I want that checked off the list.  Now I have to start all over again, have to tell someone again...

I have to take what I've learned from this and be thankful for our time together.
He did love me unconditionally and I couldn't return the favour.

The next few days are going to be tough.  I actually still have to have the talk with him.  What if I can't go through with it?

Part Two: In the light of day...

A very sleepless night.
At around 9:40 last night, Walrus texted me that he was leaving the party.  An hour later, he was 'the guest of honour' and just couldn't get away.  I'm sure he was trying hard to leave all the free booze and attention.  At 11 pm I phoned and over the loud music blaring, I just kept saying 'Please come home now' and he kept saying 'I am leaving soon.  Now.  Soon.'
I kept phoning until he left.  The party was on the other side of town, and the bus to his parents' house only ran once an hour.
When I first found out he had left without me, I sent texts to my friend in the frozen north and to my sister.  Neither answered.  I felt so alone.  I don't really have close friends anymore.
My sister had been home the whole time; she just happened to miss my call and text.  She called me around 11:30 and I told her the whole story and cried and she talked to me for a long time.  She said people don't change and they will keep doing the same crazy stuff, so draw your line in the sand.  We talked about depression and staying with people even when it's hard.
I was worried sick about Walrus being out there drunk trying to do this long trip on multiple buses.
She didn't see the urgency of the situation; her husband will stumble home drunk from the company Christmas party once a year and life goes on.  Was he in danger?
When she asked, I had to agree that the worst that was likely to happen was that he would get confused with the buses.  If only I had a car that night!
Anyways, I said I had to get back to calling Walrus and we said goodnight.  He had been sending me updates and apologies while I was on the phone.  He had gone to the wrong stop, which was going to slow him down, but he would get home eventually.  I called him and tried to move him to the right spot, but then thought it was best if he stayed where he was.  I kept him on the phone listening to his drunken observations for half an hour until the bus came.
At almost 1am he showed up at the door, drunk as a skunk.  He said he had fallen in the street while walking from the bus to the house, and a couple in a car and stopped and helped him get up.  He could barely stand upright.  I helped him upstairs into bed, took off his clothes, found a scrape on his knee and did first aid on it.  I said "Do you think I'm pleased with you right now?"  "Nooooooooo!" he happily exclaimed.
I was quite calm and gentle with him.  He fell asleep right away, after the hiccups stopped.
I of course couldn't sleep.  I woke up early too.
My plan is to call his parents this morning so that they hurry back.  I am almost 100% sure that I am going to break up with him, but I might not do it today- mostly because he's going to sleep all day.  I am already wondering which one of us is going to go to choir from now on, and thinking about emailing his medical team.
This isn't how I wanted to end it.  I did hope to talk to him about him losing motivation and how he could get back on track.  But I won't be treated so disrespectfully and taken for granted.  His night of fun had a terrible cost on me.

Part One: Crying so hard

I think this is the last straw.  I am crying hysterically.

Walrus went upstairs at 11am to have a shower.  I heard banging around but by noon he hadn't come back down.  I found him lying in his parents' bed playing with his phone.  He said he needed to nap.  At 2pm I got into bed with him and woke him up.  He played with his phone for a bit, in bed beside me.  I said, "Is this what you want to do with your day?  Let's go out"  He said he needed more sleep.  I asked if I could go out for a bit. He said fine.  

I went downstairs and cried.  I don't know if he heard me but he didn't come downstairs.  I decided I needed to get out so I dried my eyes, went upstairs, kissed him and said I was going out.  I just went to a thrift store and was back in an hour and a half.  I thought he was still asleep so I took the dog out and thought about dinner and eventually went upstairs.  The bed was empty.  Has he fallen out?  Is he in the shower?  Couldn't find him anywhere.  His shoes were gone.

I text him.  He's at a house party on the other side of town.  He 'intended to text me'.  I said it was scary to find him gone.  He said he's not a child, he can take care of himself.  I said "I'm not your warden, I'm your girlfriend and now I'm stuck home alone for the evening at your parents."  He said 'okay sorry.  I'll be back later.'

I cry hysterically.  His parents' dog tries to lick my face.  

I've stopped crying now.  

going to be interesting when he comes home.  And now we wait.

Things ain't good

For the last few days I have been waking up around four in the morning and crying.  I just lie there and go over Walrus' many faults and compare our relationship to the imaginary relationship I think I should be having.  (Blame Hollywood movies?)  One day I couldn't get back to sleep and got up and googled 'time to end a relationship.'  I read a bunch of advice columns on this subject.  When you're not happy, when you're not getting something out of it, when one partner avoids the other, when you're critical of the other person.
At the moment, some of those apply.

We're housesitting at his parents' right now.  It might make or break us.
Yesterday left me disappointed.  It was pouring rain and we had no car so we stayed in from 3pm onward. And we watched 6 hours of TV.  No conversation, no breathlessly ripping off each other's clothes...not that I expected that to happen but we're alone without my dog barking at us-- I kinda want to be kissed.

At 4:45pm Walrus poured himself a juice and I caught him adding gin to it.  I had considered hiding the booze as I got here before he did, but thought that would be overkill.  But is it not obvious that you don't drink people's liquor when housesitting for them?  I voiced my displeasure loudly.

Walrus did cook dinner, so points for that. We had some conversation at dinner.  His family are champion small-talkers and state the obvious six different ways.  So I guess I shouldn't blame him for replying to "We'll have leftovers for lunch" with "Oh yes, we can microwave it and it should turn out nicely"

Is it an introvert thing or is it just me?  I hate small talk.  If we're not talking about our deepest fears and dreams, or the meaning of life, or about how to change the world, we're wasting our breath if you ask me.

I had to ask him to sit on the same couch with me and cuddle while we watched TV, and he did let me pick the next show, and for a while that was quite cozy.  At 9pm, I'd had enough of TV.  He said, 'What do you want to do instead?'  'Can't you just talk to me?'  He put on another TV show.  Ten minutes later I said I was going to read in bed.  To his credit, he turned off the TV and came upstairs.  Except he went straight to sleep, and since it wasn't even 10pm and there wasn't a nightlight, I couldn't read and just lay there.  And cried silently.  We weren't even spooning, I bemoaned.  I turned onto my side, away from him and felt him put his arm around me.  So I felt silly.  But I still cried a bit, in his arms.  He asked if I was okay, I don't think he knew I was crying but he felt the stiffness in my body.  I said I was fine and we went to sleep.

It has occurred to me that I am not happy with being jobless, with the situation with my family, with how I'm spending my time (not doing things that are important to me.)  I don't want to blame him for that.
There's some quote about that- something like "faults you find in other people only tell you about yourself."

Maybe the problem is just that he seems disinterested in sex.  That's actually a big problem.  It feels terrible.  But he is struggling with fatigue and we are sleeping in his parents' bed, which is weird.

When it comes to food and drink, he doesn't seem to be able to control himself, and that grosses me out.  That's probably not a good sign.  It makes me lose respect for him, and I don't see it as a desirable trait in a life partner.  I was a sugar junkie myself and gave up sweets and white bread a few years ago.  It actually made me feel a lot more energetic, but I've started to slip again so that explains why I have such a problem with the way he eats.  

He's sleeping now as I write this.  Oh dear.  What will this weekend bring?

Foul Mood

I think you might even be able to see a dark cloud swirling above my head right now.  With occasional flashes of lightning.

I had a sort of a talk with Walrus yesterday -provoked by anger and nothing accomplished.  I didn't say what I wanted to say, and I didn't say it in the way I wanted to say it, either.

I was to accompany him to the local pool.  A therapist was going to meet us there and show him some exercises he could do in the water.
He was texting me all morning.  I suggested he eat early so he could swim safely.  I was asking him if he had flip flops, a towel, what time we wanted to leave, and updated him as I traveled the 45 minutes by bus to his place.  I asked 'Are you ready-ish?' and he said yes.  When I got there he was playing on the computer, wasn't even dressed, and we were supposed to leave in 10 minutes.
I was pissed.  It was almost 1:30 in the afternoon.  I said 'you're wasting my time' and lay on his bed with my head back, staring at the ceiling.
He got dressed and started packing.  He pulled his toiletries case out of his backpack.  He'd stayed at my house on the weekend, so that means his toothbrush wasn't used at all on Monday.  Gross!
I said 'Brush your teeth'.  He said 'there's no time.'
He left the room and I followed.  I walked with him to the bus stop in silence.  I kept thinking I should turn around.  He tried to kiss me and I turned away.
We got off the bus and he asked something oblivious like 'Are you okay?' and I said I was angry that I arrived and he wasn't dressed when he said he was ready.

 'Readyish, I said.  I was awake and out of bed.  That's readyish.'

I said, "look, remember when I said (last Friday) that I was getting tired?  This is what I mean.  I need you to be on top of this stuff.  I was trying to prod you from afar to get going.'


 We walked in silence for a bit.  He made comments about nice houses and gardens we passed.  Then I said, 'Can I have a response, please?'

"A response to what?"

"To what!  The thing I'm upset about."

"I understand."

"What?"

"I understand now what you're upset about.  Before you weren't very clear."

This is a very unsatisfying response when you're angry, believe me.
However, we had arrived at the pool and so we went in.  The session went really well, and I was glad I'd come.  Seeing him struggle with some simple movements just breaks my heart.  He tried really hard.

After swimming he was very tired and we went back to the group home.  He apologized for not being ready.
"Guess I'm not as fast as I think I am"  (No kidding!)  I said it was the not brushing his teeth that really made me freak out.


Today I texted him and he still wasn't dressed at 12:30 and he had to leave at 1:30.  I just dropped the subject.  I think I'm going to ask him to commit to getting dressed by noon every day.  I want a boyfriend who gets dressed by noon.  And brushes his fucking teeth.
I don't know what's going on.  He was doing so much better.
Things have to change.  If he can't do these things, he's not ready for a girlfriend.  It's not like we'd been together for years.  Somebody else should have been here for him, and she chose to flake out.

I didn't see Walrus today.  I 'need space'.  I'm not feeling well, and I babysat the nephew all day.  It was sort of mutually agreed but unsaid that no plans would be made tonight.

My mother got the news that the court ruled my dad has to pay her for three more years!  Hooray!

I got the news, by letter, that I did not get the job I applied for.  I am pretty sad about it.   Got pretty short-tempered with the baby nephew after I read it, and have been near tears every since.  Maybe I just need a good cry tonight.

Trying to think of what I can do for a job.  I need to get more aggressive in my search, but am also thinking about creating my own opportunities as an artist, volunteering, or *sigh* more school.  (online courses in non-profit management).

Grumblings

Didn't see my dad this Father's Day.  Still not speaking to him.

Walrus was charming last week.  This week he's pissing me off.

I bought Walrus' dad some nice chocolates for Father's Day and they were offered around after dinner.  Walrus helped himself to three!  Since they were my present to his father,I told him to stop eating them, and later he had two more.  That's so rude!  And he totally ignored my wishes.
His parents just laughed.  His dad even slipped him the one he (the dad) had identified as his favourite!
That's how you spoil your kids, folks.  Neither Walrus nor his sister have any impulse control.

His family does not share my concern for the environment.  They drive around in an SUV.  Every weekend they go to Starbucks for coffee and treats, and even the dog gets a disposable plastic cup of water and coffee! They love big box stores and shopping is their only hobby.

They say relationships work better if you like his family.  It certainly highlights his faults, seeing how he acts with those he's most familiar with.

(And, to be fair, observing this has made me reflect on how I can better treat my mom, who is really good to me. Why are we on our worst behaviour with the people we love the most?)

So anyways.  It's back to me doubting my relationship with Walrus.  I'm getting tired.  I have his schedule and my schedule in my head, and I'm always checking (via text message) if he's eaten, taken his pills, leaving for his appointments.   He hasn't a good sense of time and he's kept me waiting for an hour several times when we were supposed to meet somewhere in the city.

If I can have good conversations with him, or cuddles, I feel like I'm getting something out of it.  But lately the rewards haven't matched the effort.

On Friday night, frustrated that he didn't eat the dinner I cooked him, I tried to talk to him, but it was hard to tell him what the real problem was without feeling like I was 'attacking' him.  He had a stroke.  If he could remember to do everything at the right time, he would.  But I can't bail him out all the time, and it's more than just the stroke.  He's getting complacent, getting used to people doing things for him, not pushing himself as hard, and figures he deserves some fun, some treats.  I've noticed that people who tell themselves they deserve a treat will often ignore the negative consequences to themselves and others.  He 'deserves' to eat six of his dad's chocolates, does he?

I don't know how to talk to him.  I need him to step up; I need to feel he's doing his best.  I could put up with a lot, if I felt he was trying his best.

My mom was going out on Saturday afternoon and I schemed to get Walrus away from a family commitment so we could be alone.  Finally, a rare few hours alone so we could try out the toy together!  This is something that only happens maybe once a month.  We went to bed, he started kissing me, then he rolled over and went to sleep.  I lay there, disappointed, and cried.  Then I got up and got dressed and left the room so my dog (on the other side of the bedroom door) would stop howling and Walrus could sleep.

There's no use trying to be 'intimate' if he's falling asleep mid-kiss, but I was crushed.  I felt rejected.  I need help with this sex thing.  He knew the afternoon was bookmarked for 'us time'.  I can't get mad at him because it's not really his fault, but I have to get something out of this relationship too.

Next week I'm housesitting for his parents.  First night alone ever, and it will be in his parent's bed.

We went to a wedding for his cousin.  I think it made him more sure of 'us' and our future together, and me less.

Always, this longing in the back of my mind for something better.  What would it be like?  To really look up to my partner, to really feel head-over-heels, and excited about a future together.
Walrus has described himself as 'damaged goods' and I don't want to think of him that way.  What does 'something better' mean?  I don't believe in dumping people in hard times; don't believe that my happiness comes from avoiding others' unhappiness.  But you can't let people drag you down either, and I don't know where that balance point is.  This is a running theme in my philosophical musings...My best friend got rid of me when I was depressed, and usually I think she was flaky to do so, but maybe I really was being more helpless than I really was.  I don't know.  I really don't.

Sometimes, sometimes, I think about Walrus and I together, and there's a certain amount of comfort in feeling like you've found someone to make those plans with...it's all warm and squishy.  But I have such doubts.
The ups and downs!  I had no idea.

Killing time...

A quiet day babysitting the nephew after a busy week...Too tired to do much, so I'm updating the blog.
I'm in a pensive mood, and besides, I don't want my last post about an embarrassing situation to be at the top of the page anymore!

The job interview went well, I thought, but they are interviewing a lot of people, so it depends who my competition is.

What's harder on the ol' self esteem- the job market or the dating market scene?
Why did I want to go into a field that is all about working with people?  I'm an introvert!  And judgmental as all get out!  I keep thinking the solution is for me to get more training.  I'm so insecure.  I think I'm smart and hard working, but at the same time, I secretly feel no one will want to hire me, that I'm missing something...

I did the same thing with dating.  Once I had this 'one thing' accomplished, I would be ready to put myself out there.  The 'one thing' was always changing, and usually something I thought I'd accomplish a year or two in the future, so I was safe from facing rejection without ever risking anything.

*Sigh*

Just graduated and looking for that job that will get me in the door.  Meanwhile, I'm drifting a bit aimlessly.  I have goals upon goals, so I should be just knuckling down and getting things done, but I feel overwhelmed or unmotivated or something!

Walrus is just going mad at the group home- hating every meeting and every rule and every form to be filled out.  For the first time, I understand how stuck he feels.  I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen too.

I've heard of late bloomers, but how have I managed to stall growing up this long?
I need to move out.  I need a job to really make that feasible.  What does the future hold?

Walrus wrote a short novel  (novella?) a few years ago, in one of those "Write a book this weekend" contests. ( Maybe contest is the wrong word.)   Anyways he wrote it in a very short time period, under intense pressure.  It's 'experimental'.
I don't know if it holds together as a whole novel, but pieces of it are very good.  Strange, inventive, observant, dryly funny...
Where did it come from?  Where is this side of him?  I see it so rarely...I don't think it's gone with the stroke, because we 'met' through writing to each other, and it came out a bit then.  He told me he feels very different when he writes, a state of mind almost trance-like.

Is it cheesy to say that's the part of him I fell for when I read his profile?  Because I did want to meet him so much....  It's easy to forget that now!

It's been hard, to say the least. Strokes are no fun.  Usually relationships don't start in the hardest time of someone's life, except maybe nurses falling for the soldiers they care for...
There are times I want to quit.  Times I wonder if I'm putting my life on hold with all the energy I put into helping him...If I could go back to the first meeting, I don't think I'd choose differently though.  It's been an experience, good and bad and up and down, but overall I get something out of it.
Reading his writing has helped me see him, and he's dear to me at the moment.  Even if sometimes I want to throttle him!

And err, I think the toy has helped me...relax, and that at the soonest opportunity, we can attempt sexual relations again.  Maybe that will be the end of the blog?

Signs that it's time to move out...

So I got home from work and Mom wasn't home so I decided to try out the toy.  I heard the door and quickly turned it off and threw it behind the bed and went to greet her, trying to act normal.
Half an hour later Mom said, "there's a weird noise in your bedroom"  and I went pale.  I went to see and she followed me.  She said "Is it the light?" and climbed up on my bed to look at the ceiling light.  I reached behind the bed and found the toy, vibrating loudly on the wooden floor, and turned it off.  Mom looked down and saw and said 'Good Heavens' and left.
The stupid thing often still vibrates very softly when I thought I've turned it off, and apparently it can vibrate itself back on again.

I am mortified.