Right after I wrote that, I watched a bunch of videos by Dr. Sue Johnson, which talk about emotional closeness in relationships and cried my eyes out. And I read a bunch of forums about having a relationship with someone with Asperger's, and cried more.
Now, Nerdboy has not been diagnosed with Asperger's (it's on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum) nor does he fit all the typical characteristics of someone with Asperger's.
Yes:
He does miss social cues, he does have trouble keeping friends.
He talks too long about things that interest him, even when the listener is clearly bored. (Or even when I interrupt him to tell him I don't care!) I have to remind him daily to ask about how my day went.
He can get obsessed with things.
No;
He's not physically clumsy, does not do repetitive movements, nor does he speak oddly (although he did have a speech impediment as a child)
He can make eye contact and is often better at chatting with strangers than I am (although does tend to forget to ask questions about other people.)
The hard to categorize ones:
He thinks he's empathetic and I think he's not, but...
He can relate deeply to characters in fiction.
He was deeply upset when he accidentally killed a mouse.
He can read my emotions from my body language , he just tends not to respond correctly.
His own emotions are very locked up.
He randomly decides to make elaborate gifts for acquaintances that he doesn't have a close relationship with (including people we volunteered with, coworkers he only sorta likes, my relatives....)
~~~
And somehow we had a fun week and I felt okay about things. And since then we've been quite affectionate with each other and I've stopped crying.
The other night we watched 'It's a Wonderful Life' (his favourite) and it made me weepy and made me think about the type of person I want to be. So we were cuddling on the couch and I turned and asked Nerdboy 'What do you dream about?'
"That's a weird question. Stuff and things."
"I mean, what do you want in your life? Do you want a house?"
"Well that's never going to happen so there's no use wishing for it."
"What about travel?" got a similar response.
I was silently weeping. He got up and did dishes. When he came back, he said in an angry voice, "It's depressing to me to talk about this stuff that I can't have in my life."
And I cried openly and said 'It's not about having a house, it's about who we want to be. I want to know about your inner life and you shut down. I feel like a failure, probably more than you, and yet it doesn't hurt me to dream about a house. And if you're depressed you need to be able to talk about it with me."
I told him this is why I feel lonely. I think I said in broken sobs, "Why don't you ask me about my dreams?"
And I don't know what he's going to do with this information, but I said what I wanted about as clearly as I could.
Monday 22 December 2014
Monday 8 December 2014
comfortably unhappy?
Little News
Had a small success at an art show and made $800. Makes a tiny dent in what I spend on studio rent and art supplies..
Got a part-time job at an art supplies store, making just over minimum wage and I have to give out plastic bags (which I don't personally use) to shoppers all day long. But it will ease the money stress, although I'm certainly still living below the poverty line. It's only temporary until Christmas, but maybe will stay on if they want me to.
My brother-in-law has a tumour in his leg that will need to be removed. I am worried for my sister, who is already stressed to the max.
~~~~
The Big Worry
Have been feeling like I want more from my relationship with Nerdboy and feeling like if I'm this unhappy I should probably end it. But I owe him last month's rent, and I don't want to move and shake up my little life again right now.
It's like we're friends who occasionally sleep together, really. I thought love would be a little more intense. And not just sex, but an emotional connection that he might never be capable of.
Daily life is okay. We do the domestic chores together, we tease each other, we do these craft fairs together, we amuse each other and can enjoy some of the same sort of activities. But if I'm sad I try to talk to him and he just tries to make me laugh and get things back to normal. He doesn't come to me with his 'stuff'.
I talked to him this week. I said I try to talk to him and hit a wall. Every day I ask him about his day and every day I wait for him to ask about mine. Nothing. And I've told him at least three times, including this week, how important it was to me. He asked the day after we talked, and that was it.
It's 7am and I've already been crying. Yesterday I had a crazy 10 hour day. He picked me up, he made me dinner. As he was cooking I felt thankful and went to kiss him and he said, 'I just want to cook right now.' And that's part of his weirdness that I don't understand. To him, he was just focused on something else. To me it was rejection.
I have to tackle something else big today. I teach art classes, as a contractor not an employee. And I think that's not legal and I'm angry but I haven't said anything. But on Friday I got an email saying contractors are now required to have insurance because we are not protected by the organization's insurance, since we are not employees. And financially it's not worth it to me, and I think it's just wrong. So that's part of this morning's tears.
On Friday when I found out, I was really fragile for a few hours, near tears but not able to cry. I went to the studio to work and when I came back, Nerdboy had made a mistake on his crafts and lost several hours of work. I went to hug him and he said 'I'm hands-off right now.'
Well, I wish a crafting mistake was my biggest problem in life! I am facing losing $5000 income a year if I quit my teaching job.
I'm out of my comfort zone in so many things right now.
Nerdboy supports me financially (although he's keeping tabs), he drives me around, he does all the cooking. I'm incredibly spoiled in that. I'm a terrible roommate, messy and behind in my rent. I don't bring a lot to the relationship. Maybe I'm the one who does the emotional work, but this is my first relationship and I'm making it up as I go along.
Ok I know it's not working. I shouldn't be crying so much. Thank you to the reader who emailed me with advice on this.
I am a big black hole of needing affection because I was alone way too long. So dating a loner probably isn't a good combo. I never know when he's going to retreat into his shell and it's never explained when it happens. I am always scared to reach out to him.
I guess I lay it out clearly one more time and I make plans to live somewhere else for a while if it's not going to work. I hate to do this before Christmas but I'm realizing I can't do another month pretending things are okay.
Sunday 16 November 2014
Well, yes he was mad at me
So, the last post ended with him not cuddling me in bed, and me immediately knowing something was up, based on two sentences from him.
The next night, just before bed. "What was up with you last night?"
"I'm frustrated with you. I don't want to talk about it."
My eyes fill with tears. "That sounds big."
I don't really remember what happened, but the gist is I kept saying 'Tell me' and he said 'tell you what?" or "I don't want to do this now."
And I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably. UNCONTROLLABLY.
And I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, because that's the only door that closes in our tiny space.
And I sat on the toilet and cried loudly, He burst in and said "I can't handle this. I can't even talk to you without you losing your shit."
I said 'go away.'
He left, I cried. I calmed down and moved to the couch, which is ten feet away from the bed. He was reading and he sat up and glared at me. I'm not sure if I said in the last post that I decided to sleep on the couch that night too, so two nights in a row.
In the morning we were civil to each other. I kept asking him if we could talk but we had a big craft fair later that day and there was a lot to do. He didn't want to, but I basically kept asking and cried again and he got frustrated and spit it out.
He's frustrated I don't have a job and that I'm messy. Both of which I guessed.
That night he was mad at me for dumping my stuff on the floor and going to bed early. I'd been outside in pouring rain for 8 hours and I was sick. I really felt I got a 'pass' on cleaning up my stuff that night, and I did clean the house the next morning.
And I tried to tell him how stressed I am by my unemployment (every minute of every day) and I did say I thought he was being unreasonable with his expectations with that little incident. I think he uses 'I'm tired' a lot as an excuse but he is not always able to be empathetic and realize when I've had an exhausting day.
And it ended with him saying he loved me a lot and we made up and had sex.
I hate it when he's mad at me, I absolutely fall apart when he won't tell me what the problem is but still lets me know there is a problem. I do the exact same thing to him, but maybe for different reasons.
I worry that there is some trust problems. I am scared of his response to my emotions.
And I have a bad memory of ending a friendship with my best friend because I was crying almost daily and she backed away....left me crying uncontrollably in a park actually....
So I feel like I will abandoned if I cry?
This week has been so busy for me I've hardly seen Nerdboy. Things seem to be back to normal, maybe we're both a little grumpier than usual but we've lived through times like that before.
The next night, just before bed. "What was up with you last night?"
"I'm frustrated with you. I don't want to talk about it."
My eyes fill with tears. "That sounds big."
I don't really remember what happened, but the gist is I kept saying 'Tell me' and he said 'tell you what?" or "I don't want to do this now."
And I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably. UNCONTROLLABLY.
And I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, because that's the only door that closes in our tiny space.
And I sat on the toilet and cried loudly, He burst in and said "I can't handle this. I can't even talk to you without you losing your shit."
I said 'go away.'
He left, I cried. I calmed down and moved to the couch, which is ten feet away from the bed. He was reading and he sat up and glared at me. I'm not sure if I said in the last post that I decided to sleep on the couch that night too, so two nights in a row.
In the morning we were civil to each other. I kept asking him if we could talk but we had a big craft fair later that day and there was a lot to do. He didn't want to, but I basically kept asking and cried again and he got frustrated and spit it out.
He's frustrated I don't have a job and that I'm messy. Both of which I guessed.
That night he was mad at me for dumping my stuff on the floor and going to bed early. I'd been outside in pouring rain for 8 hours and I was sick. I really felt I got a 'pass' on cleaning up my stuff that night, and I did clean the house the next morning.
And I tried to tell him how stressed I am by my unemployment (every minute of every day) and I did say I thought he was being unreasonable with his expectations with that little incident. I think he uses 'I'm tired' a lot as an excuse but he is not always able to be empathetic and realize when I've had an exhausting day.
And it ended with him saying he loved me a lot and we made up and had sex.
I hate it when he's mad at me, I absolutely fall apart when he won't tell me what the problem is but still lets me know there is a problem. I do the exact same thing to him, but maybe for different reasons.
I worry that there is some trust problems. I am scared of his response to my emotions.
And I have a bad memory of ending a friendship with my best friend because I was crying almost daily and she backed away....left me crying uncontrollably in a park actually....
So I feel like I will abandoned if I cry?
This week has been so busy for me I've hardly seen Nerdboy. Things seem to be back to normal, maybe we're both a little grumpier than usual but we've lived through times like that before.
Friday 7 November 2014
aftermath
The night after I wrote the last post, I was really withdrawn from Nerdboy. I went to choir and came home late. Several times he asked me if I was down and I said yes, but he didn't do anything with that information. He was hopping around getting his craft stuff together and just generally being high energy. I was planning to talk to him the moment he sat down next to me but he never did.
When we were in bed reading, I said 'Can I talk to you?"
Now, I know he hates serious discussions in bed, and he does have to get up at 6am, but it needed to be said.
"Yesterday, did you emotionally detach from what was going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, well...you told me sometimes you can't handle the emotions and you ignore the situation..."
"What are you talking about?"
pause.
"Why did you let me cry yesterday?"
"I didn't! I tried to make you laugh."
"Noooooo, that was after....." I trail off.
I can't remember what exactly was said at this point. It was a short conversation and basically he said, 'I see you cry all the time. I can't do anything about it and it seemed like you needed to cry it out before you could spit out what you were trying to say."
I tried to tell him it felt awful.
I did flat out say, "Don't watch me cry ever again."
I didn't say, 'That is cold. That is abnormal."
We both glared at each other in a weird standoff. You have to imagine two people in bed, having a stare down. I was lying down, head on pillow and he was sitting up reading. I was of course crying a little and trying to keep it together.
I said, "Well I guess that's the end of that topic" and I rolled over to face the wall.
He turned off the night light.
In the dark he said, "Don't try and finish the Halloween costumes tomorrow. You have other things to worry about."
And I interpreted that as him trying to be thoughtful or make amends but being unable to deal with whatever makes him unable to deal with the Big Stuff. So I reached over and touched his arm under the blankets and we went to sleep.
~~~next morning~~~
Halloween. He gets ready for work early in the morning. I watch from bed, unsure of how things stand. He gives me the goodbye kiss. I said, "I love you but I'm sore at you."
He said nothing, just rubs my arm.
I have to work at a Halloween event that night, and unexpectedly he showed up at the end, in costume, and drove me home. We had a fun and mellow Halloween, what was left of it. He said he was bored without me.
We never discuss the fight.
~~~Saturday morning~~~
We had sex, and it was fun. We tried a bunch of new things, some worked, some didn't.
So a little bit of the conversation got through....
~~~a week later~~~
haven't talked about it. haven't had sex. haven't hardly cuddled even. We both have been working on things in the evening and go to bed tired.
Last night I came home from crewing an outdoor event that got rained out. 5 hours of set-up, 2 hours to take down, all in wind, mud and rain. He was napping when I came home, but started on his crafts again. He put on some Star Trek at 10pm, I said, 'can we save this episode for later? I'm going to bed." He grumbled, 'fine', He came to bed maybe half an hour later, read a bit. He gave a heavy sigh while reading. I was rolled over on my side, facing away from him. "Why are you sighing?"
"I just want to read my book, okay?"
Then he turned out the light, and I waited for him to assume the spooning position, but he turned his back to me.
"Are you mad at me?'
"Just go to sleep"
And he's instantly asleep, and I cry silently. I have no idea what prompted this behavior. He was in a good mood until I asked him to turn off the show. And I really wanted to be held after my long day.
I moved to the couch because I didn't want to share a bed with him.
His alarm didn't go off this morning and he slept in, left in a hurry, kissed me goodbye but didn't ask why I was on the couch.
I'm exhausted by never knowing if he'll be hot or cold to me. Pushed away one day, act like it never happened the next.
I guess either I end it or we work on it. My friend (partner of a psychiatrist) said therapy for both of us.
I am so stressed right now. I don't want to end up back at mom's, back at rock bottom.
When we were in bed reading, I said 'Can I talk to you?"
Now, I know he hates serious discussions in bed, and he does have to get up at 6am, but it needed to be said.
"Yesterday, did you emotionally detach from what was going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, well...you told me sometimes you can't handle the emotions and you ignore the situation..."
"What are you talking about?"
pause.
"Why did you let me cry yesterday?"
"I didn't! I tried to make you laugh."
"Noooooo, that was after....." I trail off.
I can't remember what exactly was said at this point. It was a short conversation and basically he said, 'I see you cry all the time. I can't do anything about it and it seemed like you needed to cry it out before you could spit out what you were trying to say."
I tried to tell him it felt awful.
I did flat out say, "Don't watch me cry ever again."
I didn't say, 'That is cold. That is abnormal."
We both glared at each other in a weird standoff. You have to imagine two people in bed, having a stare down. I was lying down, head on pillow and he was sitting up reading. I was of course crying a little and trying to keep it together.
I said, "Well I guess that's the end of that topic" and I rolled over to face the wall.
He turned off the night light.
In the dark he said, "Don't try and finish the Halloween costumes tomorrow. You have other things to worry about."
And I interpreted that as him trying to be thoughtful or make amends but being unable to deal with whatever makes him unable to deal with the Big Stuff. So I reached over and touched his arm under the blankets and we went to sleep.
~~~next morning~~~
Halloween. He gets ready for work early in the morning. I watch from bed, unsure of how things stand. He gives me the goodbye kiss. I said, "I love you but I'm sore at you."
He said nothing, just rubs my arm.
I have to work at a Halloween event that night, and unexpectedly he showed up at the end, in costume, and drove me home. We had a fun and mellow Halloween, what was left of it. He said he was bored without me.
We never discuss the fight.
~~~Saturday morning~~~
We had sex, and it was fun. We tried a bunch of new things, some worked, some didn't.
So a little bit of the conversation got through....
~~~a week later~~~
haven't talked about it. haven't had sex. haven't hardly cuddled even. We both have been working on things in the evening and go to bed tired.
Last night I came home from crewing an outdoor event that got rained out. 5 hours of set-up, 2 hours to take down, all in wind, mud and rain. He was napping when I came home, but started on his crafts again. He put on some Star Trek at 10pm, I said, 'can we save this episode for later? I'm going to bed." He grumbled, 'fine', He came to bed maybe half an hour later, read a bit. He gave a heavy sigh while reading. I was rolled over on my side, facing away from him. "Why are you sighing?"
"I just want to read my book, okay?"
Then he turned out the light, and I waited for him to assume the spooning position, but he turned his back to me.
"Are you mad at me?'
"Just go to sleep"
And he's instantly asleep, and I cry silently. I have no idea what prompted this behavior. He was in a good mood until I asked him to turn off the show. And I really wanted to be held after my long day.
I moved to the couch because I didn't want to share a bed with him.
His alarm didn't go off this morning and he slept in, left in a hurry, kissed me goodbye but didn't ask why I was on the couch.
I'm exhausted by never knowing if he'll be hot or cold to me. Pushed away one day, act like it never happened the next.
I guess either I end it or we work on it. My friend (partner of a psychiatrist) said therapy for both of us.
I am so stressed right now. I don't want to end up back at mom's, back at rock bottom.
Thursday 30 October 2014
Talk Flop
Last night I tried to talk to Nerdboy about sex and today I'm realizing he really didn't rise to the occasion.
About a week ago I gave him notice that we needed to talk about this subject, but that night we were both tired and I didn't feel the timing was good.
Three nights ago we had quite successful sex and as we were going to sleep I said there's stuff I have to tell you...
Two nights ago I said we're talking about this tomorrow, and he said ok.
So all day yesterday I was a little nervous and I practised in my head.
Nerdboy and I have signed up to do a few Christmas craft fairs. I've been doing a few and Nerdboy ends up being involved as I can't drive his car (gotta learn standard!). So he started making some crafts and selling them and now he's obsessed.
So he was working on his craft, I was sewing his Halloween costume, and between episodes of Star Trek, I said it was time.
And he said ok, but kept working at his craft, head down. So, off to a good start.
Long pause from me. Probably should have insisted he look at me.
Finally I started off saying I am going through something I don't understand, and sex is very emotional for me and I randomly cry.
And I said I was pretty sex crazy and trying to hide it from him. It piqued his interest when I said I looked at his erotica without him, but mostly he was silent.
I tried to say I didn't know how to initiate sex and that I was easily aroused and frustrated when it didn't go anywhere...I told him about a few weeks ago when we were naked cuddling for two hours and I really thought it was going to happen and it didn't and I cried in the shower after, the only place in our tiny apartment I could hide it from him.
and he said nothing. just the plink plink plink sound of him moving beads around as he worked.
I was crying. He sat there and listened to me cry. At one point he reached out and ruffled my hair, but didn't turn away from what he was doing.
And I said, I was embarrassed about my body's needs but I've decided not to be. Lost it in sobs.
And nothing from him.
I cry.
Finally I said "stop doing those beads". He moved onto the couch beside me and rubbed my arm and then tried to get me to laugh.. .
I don't remember what all was said, I just kept making stuff come out of my mouth and he was alternately tender and frustrating. At one point he said, we've just spent half an hour talking about nothing. That is what really stings today.
But at the time, ever the conflict soother, I said quietly, I got something out of it.
I did and I didn't. I'm not sure I said clearly, I want more sex, and I want to be more actively in control of when and how it happens. I didn't say my ideas of things I wanted to try, because I was crying and it didn't seem fun and sexy to talk about at that moment.
I still don't know how to initiate sex. He said I should rub my backside against his pelvis when we are spooning.
(We never have sex unless we are already almost naked and cuddling on the couch. So much for my pretty underwear collection. He's never going to tear my clothes off.)
And I'd already figured that one out, and it doesn't always work. I got a murky explanation to his mysterious disappearing libido. I asked if he could tell when I wanted to have sex whenhe didn't feel like it? Yes, he can read my hints but he just tries not to lead me on. 'Sometimes I don't want to have sex." He said sex is sometimes complicated for him, and he can't really talk about it. (He had an abusive partner ten years ago.)
I said can we have a code word so you can let me know you're having one of those days and I know it's not me? No, he couldn't even spit out one word, the emotions are too much. Well, can you tell me the day after so I can understand the situation? No, he'll forget.
I said it really was making me anxious.
"You have to learn not to take it so personally."
"I have baggage too."
"And your baggage trumps mine?"
silence. I'm trying to respect that he's been through something I haven't, but it's time for him to open up to me a little. I have to live with his demons too.
Monday 20 October 2014
We need to talk..
I need to talk to Nerdboy about sex and I'm putting it off. I think it won't change anything and I'll just cry my way though it.
---
A deep suspicion that I already see the end of this relationship but I'm not ready to leave yet.
---
We're having sex about once a week, and I'm going crazy. And you know what, I didn't have successful sex until age 32, I think I'm allowed to be a bit sex-crazy. I don't even think I need that much more than the current situation, maybe twice a week and I'd be smugly satisfied. The problem is that I have no control over when it happens...
well, actually....I want more sex, and yet I'm a little bored by what we're doing now.
Nerdboy has told me he is against scheduling sex. Which sounds like something I'd agree with, but it translates into 'we can never talk about sex in the future tense ever'
The first time this came up, we were in the car on a saturday afternoon and I said something suggestive about plans for the evening. The response I got was almost angry...I was totally bewildered. I thought I was being cute. And it was the first time I'd tried to be flirty like that and I got a total shut down.
And for (Canadian) Thanksgiving we had dinner with his parents, something we both dread, and before we left, I suggested that when we came home we could get me drunk and maybe get frisky. He said 'no scheduling sex'.
I have been drunk once in my life, and it was five years ago. (We saw a play where a character wished her tee-totalling boyfriend would give in to the abandon of drunk sex, and surprisingly my interest was sparked.) So if I ever have drunk sex, it's going to need a bit of planning.
At that point it had been a week without sex and I was a little frantic. He doesn't get that if I suggest sex later, I'm really saying "I've been going crazy for three days and I don't know how to get through to you." I added the drunk sex as a novelty to see if we could get around his rule, because frankly I hate it.
I don't initiate sex because I've been rejected more times than I've been successful. Me trying to seduce him seems farcical.
And then the day after that incident, we had morning sex, initiated almost aggressively by him. I was barely awake.
Argh! He doesn't realize he's controlling this so completely.
He gets anxious if I expect sex later, I get anxious when I hope for sex all the time and can't read the signals.
What is going on with him? He's had sex with at least a 100 partners. Did he use up all his mojo?
He told me we were sexually compatible and I didn't really know what that meant. At the time I was pleased. But my sexuality was so unformed, I took all my cues from him. And now I have ideas of my own. There are things I'd be open to trying that I know he's not into... (nothing too spicy, just different positions and things involving boobs. I wish he was more into boobs.)
I want to experiment a little with sex. Neither of us really knows what I like. I want it to be fun, this process of exploring it together. I still haven't had an orgasm ever, and only rarely experience high levels of pleasure. Mostly sex is just interesting. And lately even a little boring, which is a BIG DEAL because I've only been having sex for a year. I still occasionally have pain as he enters me, I had hoped we were done with that but that would have been just too easy...
I bring all these hangups about sex and maybe I can't expect Nerdboy to be my sex therapist but I thought his openness about sex would be good for me. I never guessed I'd be the one asking for more.
---
A deep suspicion that I already see the end of this relationship but I'm not ready to leave yet.
---
We're having sex about once a week, and I'm going crazy. And you know what, I didn't have successful sex until age 32, I think I'm allowed to be a bit sex-crazy. I don't even think I need that much more than the current situation, maybe twice a week and I'd be smugly satisfied. The problem is that I have no control over when it happens...
well, actually....I want more sex, and yet I'm a little bored by what we're doing now.
Nerdboy has told me he is against scheduling sex. Which sounds like something I'd agree with, but it translates into 'we can never talk about sex in the future tense ever'
The first time this came up, we were in the car on a saturday afternoon and I said something suggestive about plans for the evening. The response I got was almost angry...I was totally bewildered. I thought I was being cute. And it was the first time I'd tried to be flirty like that and I got a total shut down.
And for (Canadian) Thanksgiving we had dinner with his parents, something we both dread, and before we left, I suggested that when we came home we could get me drunk and maybe get frisky. He said 'no scheduling sex'.
I have been drunk once in my life, and it was five years ago. (We saw a play where a character wished her tee-totalling boyfriend would give in to the abandon of drunk sex, and surprisingly my interest was sparked.) So if I ever have drunk sex, it's going to need a bit of planning.
At that point it had been a week without sex and I was a little frantic. He doesn't get that if I suggest sex later, I'm really saying "I've been going crazy for three days and I don't know how to get through to you." I added the drunk sex as a novelty to see if we could get around his rule, because frankly I hate it.
I don't initiate sex because I've been rejected more times than I've been successful. Me trying to seduce him seems farcical.
And then the day after that incident, we had morning sex, initiated almost aggressively by him. I was barely awake.
Argh! He doesn't realize he's controlling this so completely.
He gets anxious if I expect sex later, I get anxious when I hope for sex all the time and can't read the signals.
What is going on with him? He's had sex with at least a 100 partners. Did he use up all his mojo?
He told me we were sexually compatible and I didn't really know what that meant. At the time I was pleased. But my sexuality was so unformed, I took all my cues from him. And now I have ideas of my own. There are things I'd be open to trying that I know he's not into... (nothing too spicy, just different positions and things involving boobs. I wish he was more into boobs.)
I want to experiment a little with sex. Neither of us really knows what I like. I want it to be fun, this process of exploring it together. I still haven't had an orgasm ever, and only rarely experience high levels of pleasure. Mostly sex is just interesting. And lately even a little boring, which is a BIG DEAL because I've only been having sex for a year. I still occasionally have pain as he enters me, I had hoped we were done with that but that would have been just too easy...
I bring all these hangups about sex and maybe I can't expect Nerdboy to be my sex therapist but I thought his openness about sex would be good for me. I never guessed I'd be the one asking for more.
Sunday 28 September 2014
Reviewing the Situation
Well, let's just start off the day with a blog post title from "Oliver"the musical. Ha!
I just need to think this over, and Nerdboy's not a good listener when I talk like this. He doesn't like it when I'm negative about myself, and maybe he's right. I don't want to keep complaining about the same stuff but neither do I believe in positivity at any cost.
I have gained ten pounds this year....Nerdboy keeps candy around and is a great cook. We do jog sometimes, but it's slipped lately. I gain weight on my stomach and it's grossing me out. I hate that I've become someone who thinks about weight this much but I do. I was a size 8, size 6 even, when I started writing this blog and now I'm probably a 12 or 14.
And at the moment I've got a handful of little jobs and am trying to schedule them all. I had two interviews last week and I had a trial shift for one....(something crummy in retail.) I'm trying to prepare stuff for craft fair season... A year with Nerdboy and so many job applications, so many interviews, so much money-stress.... My confidence is shattered and I make myself sick with nerves in the days before an interview, because I really need a job. And my energy is going in so many directions...
I'm facing the reality that I can't jump in to being a full time artist right now. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts about illustration and comics and commercial art. The internet means artists aren't just competing with other artists in town, but with the best in the world. And maybe I've been overconfident in my skills. I can draw, but I'm not good with colour. I haven't had anything published for a while, I haven't had a show. I don't really have a body of work (I stopped making art while back at school...), I have a bunch of half-finished projects. I went to school for something more film/television and never entered the industry...and now my skills are ten years out of date, not to mention rusty.
So I think I'm in a funk of regret and grieving for my wasted 20s. I didn't fall in love, hardly travelled, haven't ever really had a 'real job', Seriously, what was I doing? And I was reminded recently of how hard I worked at drawing when I was a teen. I spent my free blocks in the library copying old masters. I carried a sketchbook and my favourite art books everywhere.
Life as an artist is hard. I think there are big Societal Reasons why that is, and no, it isn't fair, but that's how it is. If I want to make it, I have to work hard. If I want to lose weight, I have to work hard, same thing.
But I finally have a boyfriend and I want to indulge myself in that!
Spend evenings drawing or cuddling? Guess what I'm going to pick? (I have been trying to work at night more...this is the cost of dating a morning person when I'm most creative at night.)
I think weird stuff is going on for me. I still don't believe my life is real. I've shared a bed with someone every night since December! Sex is the weirdest thing ever! I have no idea what goes on in his head! Wait, why am I randomly crying again?
I was watching 'I Capture the Castle' on Netflix. (I read the book as a teen, by the author of 101 Dalmations) and cried when the 18 year old main character Cassandra had her first make-out session. "That never happened to me, waaaaaaah, and my relationship with sexuality is stunted waaaaaah and I wasn't that sad about it when I was 18, or even 25 but now that I have sex I'm sadder than ever about it and this makes no sense waaaaaaaah"
I don't think it's because I'm unhappy with Nerdboy. There are issues, yeah, but I think we're doing okay. It's just finally dealing with "I wasn't cuddled for a decade and now I'm insecure"
As a teen, I got good grades, I was smart, and in my little high school I seemed to be a major talent. I wasn't cool and I wasn't confidant socially, but I never saw my life going this way. I thought I'd be successful. I guess every kid thinks great things are coming for them....
This is exactly the kind of talk that Nerdboy won't hear from me. He's gone closer to rock bottom than me, and climbed back up...(he is unable to talk about it, I think....) But I want to say to someone that I'm taking a hard look at where I am and I'm a little overwhelmed, and scared...
okay, time to get to work. Writing this out makes me feel like I'm indulging myself.
I just need to think this over, and Nerdboy's not a good listener when I talk like this. He doesn't like it when I'm negative about myself, and maybe he's right. I don't want to keep complaining about the same stuff but neither do I believe in positivity at any cost.
I have gained ten pounds this year....Nerdboy keeps candy around and is a great cook. We do jog sometimes, but it's slipped lately. I gain weight on my stomach and it's grossing me out. I hate that I've become someone who thinks about weight this much but I do. I was a size 8, size 6 even, when I started writing this blog and now I'm probably a 12 or 14.
And at the moment I've got a handful of little jobs and am trying to schedule them all. I had two interviews last week and I had a trial shift for one....(something crummy in retail.) I'm trying to prepare stuff for craft fair season... A year with Nerdboy and so many job applications, so many interviews, so much money-stress.... My confidence is shattered and I make myself sick with nerves in the days before an interview, because I really need a job. And my energy is going in so many directions...
I'm facing the reality that I can't jump in to being a full time artist right now. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts about illustration and comics and commercial art. The internet means artists aren't just competing with other artists in town, but with the best in the world. And maybe I've been overconfident in my skills. I can draw, but I'm not good with colour. I haven't had anything published for a while, I haven't had a show. I don't really have a body of work (I stopped making art while back at school...), I have a bunch of half-finished projects. I went to school for something more film/television and never entered the industry...and now my skills are ten years out of date, not to mention rusty.
So I think I'm in a funk of regret and grieving for my wasted 20s. I didn't fall in love, hardly travelled, haven't ever really had a 'real job', Seriously, what was I doing? And I was reminded recently of how hard I worked at drawing when I was a teen. I spent my free blocks in the library copying old masters. I carried a sketchbook and my favourite art books everywhere.
Life as an artist is hard. I think there are big Societal Reasons why that is, and no, it isn't fair, but that's how it is. If I want to make it, I have to work hard. If I want to lose weight, I have to work hard, same thing.
But I finally have a boyfriend and I want to indulge myself in that!
Spend evenings drawing or cuddling? Guess what I'm going to pick? (I have been trying to work at night more...this is the cost of dating a morning person when I'm most creative at night.)
I think weird stuff is going on for me. I still don't believe my life is real. I've shared a bed with someone every night since December! Sex is the weirdest thing ever! I have no idea what goes on in his head! Wait, why am I randomly crying again?
I was watching 'I Capture the Castle' on Netflix. (I read the book as a teen, by the author of 101 Dalmations) and cried when the 18 year old main character Cassandra had her first make-out session. "That never happened to me, waaaaaaah, and my relationship with sexuality is stunted waaaaaah and I wasn't that sad about it when I was 18, or even 25 but now that I have sex I'm sadder than ever about it and this makes no sense waaaaaaaah"
I don't think it's because I'm unhappy with Nerdboy. There are issues, yeah, but I think we're doing okay. It's just finally dealing with "I wasn't cuddled for a decade and now I'm insecure"
As a teen, I got good grades, I was smart, and in my little high school I seemed to be a major talent. I wasn't cool and I wasn't confidant socially, but I never saw my life going this way. I thought I'd be successful. I guess every kid thinks great things are coming for them....
This is exactly the kind of talk that Nerdboy won't hear from me. He's gone closer to rock bottom than me, and climbed back up...(he is unable to talk about it, I think....) But I want to say to someone that I'm taking a hard look at where I am and I'm a little overwhelmed, and scared...
okay, time to get to work. Writing this out makes me feel like I'm indulging myself.
Tuesday 2 September 2014
tidbits, mostly unhappy
1. I actually cried out during sex "I wish someone had done this to me when I was 16." And then I broke down in tears, and then started laughing/sobbing.
Well, that was weird and awkward.
For the record, I'm not sure I actually am comfortable with 16-year-olds having sex.
2. Search for part-time job/trying to make a living as an artist still a huge struggle. Do you know anyone who's doing well in this economy? Most people I know are overqualified for their jobs.
And I was promised a really great art-teaching gig and put some unpaid hours into developing a proposal, and then they decided I wanted too much money and dropped me.
3. Nerdboy might be an internet addict and it might, in the long term, be a dealbreaker. When I come home from work, he's been on the computer for several hours, and yet he still can hardly turn his head away to look at me. I told him I expect him to ask about my day and that it means a lot to me. And when I ask about his day, he gives one word answers, or sometimes has been annoyed 'My job is boring, ok? There's nothing to tell.'
I feel really unimportant if cat videos outrank me.
After dinner we have together time and he's affectionate and chatty, so maybe I just have to give him alone time, but all I'm asking for is a little check-in when we are reunited after a work day.
Wow, writing this out is making me teary-eyed. This is a bigger deal to me than I realized.
Well, that was weird and awkward.
For the record, I'm not sure I actually am comfortable with 16-year-olds having sex.
2. Search for part-time job/trying to make a living as an artist still a huge struggle. Do you know anyone who's doing well in this economy? Most people I know are overqualified for their jobs.
And I was promised a really great art-teaching gig and put some unpaid hours into developing a proposal, and then they decided I wanted too much money and dropped me.
3. Nerdboy might be an internet addict and it might, in the long term, be a dealbreaker. When I come home from work, he's been on the computer for several hours, and yet he still can hardly turn his head away to look at me. I told him I expect him to ask about my day and that it means a lot to me. And when I ask about his day, he gives one word answers, or sometimes has been annoyed 'My job is boring, ok? There's nothing to tell.'
I feel really unimportant if cat videos outrank me.
After dinner we have together time and he's affectionate and chatty, so maybe I just have to give him alone time, but all I'm asking for is a little check-in when we are reunited after a work day.
Wow, writing this out is making me teary-eyed. This is a bigger deal to me than I realized.
Friday 8 August 2014
Annual review
We've been together a year now. Well, from our first date. I'm not sure when we were officially together.
Here's the quick update:
Career: Ugh. Still trying to be an artist, and sometimes trying to be an arts administrator. Right now flat broke but expecting to make $5000 this month. STRESS!
Family: Still not talking to Dad. Nerdboy decided to interfere and wrote to my father telling him to leave me alone. Didn't help the stress levels much.
Sex: Getting much better, getting less afraid to ask for things. Still haven't had an orgasm. Still happens every six days unless one of us is feeling particularly frisky.
Worldview: Still trying to change the world, still angry. Politics and a minor scandal in the Zero Waste Club has soured me on that.
Nerdboy: He's a weird one and I don't understand him. And yet I'm still happy to be reunited after our separate days at work, and cuddling feels safe and comfy.
Two friends have suggested he's mildly 'on the spectrum'. He misses some social clues. He changes topic completely randomly, sometimes inappropriately. He can't deal with big emotions from me. I know he struggles with depression.
As for my baggage, I will start crying if I even think about all the years I was alone. Now that's it's over, I guess I have to process it. I cry weekly (on average) about this and it's a bit ridiculous.
Last night, we were talking about something completely ordinary and somehow the conversation turned to a friend from Nerdboy's youth, and all the wild things they used to do. Nerdboy's youth is scary and shocking to me and makes me physically tense and usually near tears. I want him to share this stuff with me, and yet I get all 'SEX AND DRUGS ARE BAD' and am completely unable to deal with it. Teen sex is a 'trigger' for me, it's so far from my own experiences, and so I think about my own experience and start crying. Gee whiz.
And then Nerdboy started talking about being unable to keep friendships and being an outsider, not understanding social relations, and getting to the point where he doesn't care and doesn't 'follow the rules'. He sounded proud, like he'd cut through a bunch of bullshit. But I didn't totally believe him. He's someone who really wants to be loved.
And he's had so many sexual encounters, and at least a dozen relationships.
I had so many questions, and I couldn't ask most of them. How does a relationship fit into this outsider status? Am I an outsider too, or am I supposed to bring him in to my circles?
(And I reflected afterwards that I felt like my long celibacy made me an outsider in a way. I felt very cut off from understanding what my friends were experiencing. I didn't tell him that though.)
This conversation ended as they always do- him deflecting questions (or randomly talking about movies based on comic books) and me confessing how ashamed I am of my 'late blooming' and crying, and us going to bed.
So I really can't tell what's going to happen. We talk about marriage, and I feel happy about that. Most of the time we get along. We both avoid conflict so maybe something big still needs to be dealt with. He supports me and defends me, but he's still private about his past.
Here's the quick update:
Career: Ugh. Still trying to be an artist, and sometimes trying to be an arts administrator. Right now flat broke but expecting to make $5000 this month. STRESS!
Family: Still not talking to Dad. Nerdboy decided to interfere and wrote to my father telling him to leave me alone. Didn't help the stress levels much.
Sex: Getting much better, getting less afraid to ask for things. Still haven't had an orgasm. Still happens every six days unless one of us is feeling particularly frisky.
Worldview: Still trying to change the world, still angry. Politics and a minor scandal in the Zero Waste Club has soured me on that.
Nerdboy: He's a weird one and I don't understand him. And yet I'm still happy to be reunited after our separate days at work, and cuddling feels safe and comfy.
Two friends have suggested he's mildly 'on the spectrum'. He misses some social clues. He changes topic completely randomly, sometimes inappropriately. He can't deal with big emotions from me. I know he struggles with depression.
As for my baggage, I will start crying if I even think about all the years I was alone. Now that's it's over, I guess I have to process it. I cry weekly (on average) about this and it's a bit ridiculous.
Last night, we were talking about something completely ordinary and somehow the conversation turned to a friend from Nerdboy's youth, and all the wild things they used to do. Nerdboy's youth is scary and shocking to me and makes me physically tense and usually near tears. I want him to share this stuff with me, and yet I get all 'SEX AND DRUGS ARE BAD' and am completely unable to deal with it. Teen sex is a 'trigger' for me, it's so far from my own experiences, and so I think about my own experience and start crying. Gee whiz.
And then Nerdboy started talking about being unable to keep friendships and being an outsider, not understanding social relations, and getting to the point where he doesn't care and doesn't 'follow the rules'. He sounded proud, like he'd cut through a bunch of bullshit. But I didn't totally believe him. He's someone who really wants to be loved.
And he's had so many sexual encounters, and at least a dozen relationships.
I had so many questions, and I couldn't ask most of them. How does a relationship fit into this outsider status? Am I an outsider too, or am I supposed to bring him in to my circles?
(And I reflected afterwards that I felt like my long celibacy made me an outsider in a way. I felt very cut off from understanding what my friends were experiencing. I didn't tell him that though.)
This conversation ended as they always do- him deflecting questions (or randomly talking about movies based on comic books) and me confessing how ashamed I am of my 'late blooming' and crying, and us going to bed.
So I really can't tell what's going to happen. We talk about marriage, and I feel happy about that. Most of the time we get along. We both avoid conflict so maybe something big still needs to be dealt with. He supports me and defends me, but he's still private about his past.
Sunday 25 May 2014
back on the bike
So I'm learning to ride a bike, aged 32. I haven't rode since I was a kid.
and I realized...I'm 13 going on 32.
I feel like I've stumbled into a grownup life and have to figure out a lot of stuff all at once.
and I realized...I'm 13 going on 32.
I feel like I've stumbled into a grownup life and have to figure out a lot of stuff all at once.
Tuesday 20 May 2014
on the edge of a slump
I cry very easily these days, and sometimes inexplicably. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm actually doing okay.
I would have said I was happy overall but this weekend I realized how stressed I am.
I was really sick last week, a brutal cough that wouldn't let me sleep, that racked my body. I get these coughs around once a year; my doctor has never been able to explain why I get this sick. I took antibiotics but they didn't seem to do much. I had to cancel all my teaching, so no income for that week. I tried to work on my own projects but mostly I just watched Netflix and laid on the couch.
During the week, I got a phone call saying I did an excellent interview but I didn't get the job. They'll keep my resume at the top of the pile. That was for a part-time teaching job at a somewhat prestigious institution. I'm a bit worried that it's the second time I've been told I'm qualified but they went with someone else. I'm trying to get out of teaching, but can't seem to get a foot in the door, and now I'm not getting teaching jobs, which is all I've done for the past 10 years. 10 years!
Nerdboy doesn't get sick so he was sympathetic to a point. I ending up sleeping on the couch and he wore earplugs...He always wanted me to stay in our bed but I worried about disturbing his sleep so I usually moved myself in the middle of the night.
Nerdboy got me a bike by trading in helping a friend move, and has spent some money fixing it up. I haven't been comfortable on a bike since I was 12. Last summer I was trying to learn again on my mom's bike, and I bought a vintage bike and never fixed it up. This weekend Nerdboy said it was time I rode the bike he got me, and planned a short route. I just wanted to ride up and down the lane. I was nervous before we started. Last summer one of our first dates was a longish bike ride (I was on mom's bike) and I did fine. But this new bike is bigger and had the curled down racing handles, so my body was leaning forward. I found it hard on my arms, (and the ladybits) and I didn't have a good grip on the brakes.
Basically, it was one panic attack after another. I would ride about a block, and take a break. I walked the bike if there was a hill, or traffic. Nerdboy was encouraging intermixed with irritable. He got frustrated when I walked the bike for two blocks. He told me to stop saying 'I can't.' I was a mess but we were turning around to come home and I was determined to ride back. But it was slightly downhill and I felt like I was going too fast and couldn't brake, and I was screaming. I actually did manage to manoeuvre the bike just fine and I did stop, although I banged up my leg a bit. But I stood in the road sobbing and Nerdboy tried to be soothing again. There was only two blocks left and I did ride home the rest of the way, almost retaining some dignity.
At one point I said to him, "You see me at my worst."
At home he mixed me a very boozy Brown Cow and I fell asleep for a two hour afternoon nap. Meanwhile, he replaced the handlebars and brake levers for a more upright ride. He is sweet, in a way. I'm not sure how I feel about him pushing me to exercise. He went too far with the bike ride. To be fair, he has seen me ride a bike before and I did much better so he had no idea I would freak out this much. I was still coughing, and menstruating, so probably not the best timing.
When I woke up from the nap he got all handsy and we tried to have sex but the bike had really hurt me down there. We did other stuff and it was okay for him. Yup, it was right on the six-day schedule. Sigh.
Since then, he's been trying to get me on the bike again to try out the new handlebars but he suggests even longer routes and I flatly refuse. He did get me to jog though. Body hates me right now.
We've been snippy with each other lately and I get so upset and near tears when I feel we're not in harmony. Friday night we were watching a movie at home and he was shopping on his tablet for electric fans. I didn't thin kthat was a priority at the moment and I said, 'Exciting Friday night' and he got so insulted and said I was always on the computer too, looking at Pinterest. I said,' I just want your attention'. He said 'There's better ways to get it than taking cheap shots at me."
I've gotten chided for saying things too bluntly, and I get chided for asking for things too meekly. Example: Me: "Could you get me the water bottle out of your bag? Or actually I could get it, if you stop, I'll get it...."
Him: "You can just ask for it. You don't need the diatribe."
We're at 10 months together now and maybe it's time deeper issues are addressed, and it's coming up in these ridiculous exchanges. I am often sheepish or even subservient when making decisions together or asking for his help. He wants me to be more confident. Being snide with me doesn't help. And I feel there's always a computer screen or tv screen between us and that he does have a bit of an internet addiction, and he's sensitive about it. And I am always thinking about how I'm going to make money as an artist and he's getting a bit tired of how distracted it makes me.
I think we actually both want more quality time together but we keep putting things in the way.
I didn't know it was this easy to be callous and rude to the person closest to you. I'm convinced I'm such a good person but living with someone other than my mother has highlighted all my bad habits. My mother either indulged me or had worse habits of her own...
So Nerdboy is temperamental at the best of times and I haven't got my shit together. And that's what's scaring me. I've gained weight, I've barely got enough work to survive on, I have no professional work experience and I see other people younger than me getting careers going, I don't know what the next step is in pursuing my own business, I don't know how to be in a relationship, sex is troublesome, I can't orgasm, I didn't learn to drive until I was 25, and I can't even ride a bike. Art is the only thing I'm good at and it feels like I've plateaued there, that it's time for me to push my skills and creativity to another level, and that's going to be painful to work through....
What have I been doing with my life, why am I so scared of everything? I have such big dreams and so far, not much to show for it. I didn't want to be in a relationship until I had things a bit more figured out but some of the things I'm trying to do would not be possible without Nerdboy's support. Living with mom and going crazy with loneliness weren't doing me much good either. I can't tell if I've grown since I started this blog. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking about the same old stuff, except now with sex.
I would have said I was happy overall but this weekend I realized how stressed I am.
I was really sick last week, a brutal cough that wouldn't let me sleep, that racked my body. I get these coughs around once a year; my doctor has never been able to explain why I get this sick. I took antibiotics but they didn't seem to do much. I had to cancel all my teaching, so no income for that week. I tried to work on my own projects but mostly I just watched Netflix and laid on the couch.
During the week, I got a phone call saying I did an excellent interview but I didn't get the job. They'll keep my resume at the top of the pile. That was for a part-time teaching job at a somewhat prestigious institution. I'm a bit worried that it's the second time I've been told I'm qualified but they went with someone else. I'm trying to get out of teaching, but can't seem to get a foot in the door, and now I'm not getting teaching jobs, which is all I've done for the past 10 years. 10 years!
Nerdboy doesn't get sick so he was sympathetic to a point. I ending up sleeping on the couch and he wore earplugs...He always wanted me to stay in our bed but I worried about disturbing his sleep so I usually moved myself in the middle of the night.
Nerdboy got me a bike by trading in helping a friend move, and has spent some money fixing it up. I haven't been comfortable on a bike since I was 12. Last summer I was trying to learn again on my mom's bike, and I bought a vintage bike and never fixed it up. This weekend Nerdboy said it was time I rode the bike he got me, and planned a short route. I just wanted to ride up and down the lane. I was nervous before we started. Last summer one of our first dates was a longish bike ride (I was on mom's bike) and I did fine. But this new bike is bigger and had the curled down racing handles, so my body was leaning forward. I found it hard on my arms, (and the ladybits) and I didn't have a good grip on the brakes.
Basically, it was one panic attack after another. I would ride about a block, and take a break. I walked the bike if there was a hill, or traffic. Nerdboy was encouraging intermixed with irritable. He got frustrated when I walked the bike for two blocks. He told me to stop saying 'I can't.' I was a mess but we were turning around to come home and I was determined to ride back. But it was slightly downhill and I felt like I was going too fast and couldn't brake, and I was screaming. I actually did manage to manoeuvre the bike just fine and I did stop, although I banged up my leg a bit. But I stood in the road sobbing and Nerdboy tried to be soothing again. There was only two blocks left and I did ride home the rest of the way, almost retaining some dignity.
At one point I said to him, "You see me at my worst."
At home he mixed me a very boozy Brown Cow and I fell asleep for a two hour afternoon nap. Meanwhile, he replaced the handlebars and brake levers for a more upright ride. He is sweet, in a way. I'm not sure how I feel about him pushing me to exercise. He went too far with the bike ride. To be fair, he has seen me ride a bike before and I did much better so he had no idea I would freak out this much. I was still coughing, and menstruating, so probably not the best timing.
When I woke up from the nap he got all handsy and we tried to have sex but the bike had really hurt me down there. We did other stuff and it was okay for him. Yup, it was right on the six-day schedule. Sigh.
Since then, he's been trying to get me on the bike again to try out the new handlebars but he suggests even longer routes and I flatly refuse. He did get me to jog though. Body hates me right now.
We've been snippy with each other lately and I get so upset and near tears when I feel we're not in harmony. Friday night we were watching a movie at home and he was shopping on his tablet for electric fans. I didn't thin kthat was a priority at the moment and I said, 'Exciting Friday night' and he got so insulted and said I was always on the computer too, looking at Pinterest. I said,' I just want your attention'. He said 'There's better ways to get it than taking cheap shots at me."
I've gotten chided for saying things too bluntly, and I get chided for asking for things too meekly. Example: Me: "Could you get me the water bottle out of your bag? Or actually I could get it, if you stop, I'll get it...."
Him: "You can just ask for it. You don't need the diatribe."
We're at 10 months together now and maybe it's time deeper issues are addressed, and it's coming up in these ridiculous exchanges. I am often sheepish or even subservient when making decisions together or asking for his help. He wants me to be more confident. Being snide with me doesn't help. And I feel there's always a computer screen or tv screen between us and that he does have a bit of an internet addiction, and he's sensitive about it. And I am always thinking about how I'm going to make money as an artist and he's getting a bit tired of how distracted it makes me.
I think we actually both want more quality time together but we keep putting things in the way.
I didn't know it was this easy to be callous and rude to the person closest to you. I'm convinced I'm such a good person but living with someone other than my mother has highlighted all my bad habits. My mother either indulged me or had worse habits of her own...
So Nerdboy is temperamental at the best of times and I haven't got my shit together. And that's what's scaring me. I've gained weight, I've barely got enough work to survive on, I have no professional work experience and I see other people younger than me getting careers going, I don't know what the next step is in pursuing my own business, I don't know how to be in a relationship, sex is troublesome, I can't orgasm, I didn't learn to drive until I was 25, and I can't even ride a bike. Art is the only thing I'm good at and it feels like I've plateaued there, that it's time for me to push my skills and creativity to another level, and that's going to be painful to work through....
What have I been doing with my life, why am I so scared of everything? I have such big dreams and so far, not much to show for it. I didn't want to be in a relationship until I had things a bit more figured out but some of the things I'm trying to do would not be possible without Nerdboy's support. Living with mom and going crazy with loneliness weren't doing me much good either. I can't tell if I've grown since I started this blog. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking about the same old stuff, except now with sex.
Monday 12 May 2014
bits and bobs
1. First time someone buys me lingerie and it's got a Star Trek logo on it. ha! (we went to a comic/sci-fi fan event.)
2. Nerdboy, celebrity doppelgangers:
He's self-identified as both these characters. (Dr Horrible and Reg Barclay)
I can see why.
3. We've been on a sex-every-six-days cycle. Nerdboy initiates it, mostly. And it's been fairly routine, and not that good for me. I have a harder time relaxing the muscles down there if it's only happening once a week. I think I get a little overwhelmed, maybe a little anxious. "Oh, huh! Sex! We're having sex! What do I do? What do I want?"
And I've told Nerdboy this but he can't feel what I'm feeling and I make a lot of noises so he thinks he's doing okay. I have tried to explain what I want and so he does it once and never again, and I hate asking over and over again. I haven't even had sex 100 times and I can't believe it's getting boring already.
If I ask for what I want, or take initiative, it's quite a lot better for me, but I've got all this Weirdness about Sex still and it's really really hard for me to blurt out my requests. I'm actually keen to try new positions.
Nerdboy won't French kiss me and I'm finding it really boring to kiss during foreplay. Can't we have open mouthed kissing? I've requested it several times and he keeps saying we'll work on it later. He says there's a technique he's forgotten. I told him I really am not a connoisseur and just want my tongue to touch his tongue without overthinking it. I think we're getting uptight about this and it kills passion for me.
He said we're sexually compatible but I don't know who I am sexually, and he's basically training me.
No orgasm yet. Last night, laying in bed, I asked him if we could schedule 'massage' sessions where he would use his hands or toys on me, without penetration. I figure this would help us figure out what my body responds too, without putting pressure on him. I thought we'd both look forward to intimate time together. For me, anticipation is the best part. Nerdboy said no. For him, scheduling sex means the death of sex. And even more than that, it makes him anxious. I know I've come up against this before. I thought I was being flirty and suggested having sex when we got home, and he got a bit snippy about it. He's told me sex is best spontaneous and made a big deal about it.
I don't know what to do. I'm disappointed. I don't know why he'd be anxious when I don't expect P-in-V sex. I really want to have an orgasm and I think this will help, and make penetrative sex better as well. Scheduling will make me less anxious and him more anxious. My needs are not more important than his, though. I really want him to help me with this, otherwise I'm going to have to have solo sessions while he's at work.
It's so hard to get rejected. He's got these rules and they're making me unsure of what to do. I won't initiate sex now because I can't understand when he'll go for it and I've been spurned twice. And it's silly because in a long-term relationship there's going to be times when one will want it and the other won't and it doesn't mean the desire is gone.
2. Nerdboy, celebrity doppelgangers:
I can see why.
3. We've been on a sex-every-six-days cycle. Nerdboy initiates it, mostly. And it's been fairly routine, and not that good for me. I have a harder time relaxing the muscles down there if it's only happening once a week. I think I get a little overwhelmed, maybe a little anxious. "Oh, huh! Sex! We're having sex! What do I do? What do I want?"
And I've told Nerdboy this but he can't feel what I'm feeling and I make a lot of noises so he thinks he's doing okay. I have tried to explain what I want and so he does it once and never again, and I hate asking over and over again. I haven't even had sex 100 times and I can't believe it's getting boring already.
If I ask for what I want, or take initiative, it's quite a lot better for me, but I've got all this Weirdness about Sex still and it's really really hard for me to blurt out my requests. I'm actually keen to try new positions.
Nerdboy won't French kiss me and I'm finding it really boring to kiss during foreplay. Can't we have open mouthed kissing? I've requested it several times and he keeps saying we'll work on it later. He says there's a technique he's forgotten. I told him I really am not a connoisseur and just want my tongue to touch his tongue without overthinking it. I think we're getting uptight about this and it kills passion for me.
He said we're sexually compatible but I don't know who I am sexually, and he's basically training me.
No orgasm yet. Last night, laying in bed, I asked him if we could schedule 'massage' sessions where he would use his hands or toys on me, without penetration. I figure this would help us figure out what my body responds too, without putting pressure on him. I thought we'd both look forward to intimate time together. For me, anticipation is the best part. Nerdboy said no. For him, scheduling sex means the death of sex. And even more than that, it makes him anxious. I know I've come up against this before. I thought I was being flirty and suggested having sex when we got home, and he got a bit snippy about it. He's told me sex is best spontaneous and made a big deal about it.
I don't know what to do. I'm disappointed. I don't know why he'd be anxious when I don't expect P-in-V sex. I really want to have an orgasm and I think this will help, and make penetrative sex better as well. Scheduling will make me less anxious and him more anxious. My needs are not more important than his, though. I really want him to help me with this, otherwise I'm going to have to have solo sessions while he's at work.
It's so hard to get rejected. He's got these rules and they're making me unsure of what to do. I won't initiate sex now because I can't understand when he'll go for it and I've been spurned twice. And it's silly because in a long-term relationship there's going to be times when one will want it and the other won't and it doesn't mean the desire is gone.
Monday 28 April 2014
Some ups, some downs, but I'm okay
I wrote a big post when Nerdboy and I had our first big fight, but decided not to publish it. I don't even know what started the fight. My friends said it sounded like he was 'manstruating' because he was just in a mood and it blew up in my bewildered face.
I have so much to do this week but I feel like I need to get my thoughts in order. I left my purse at someone's house last night and am somewhat stranded without my wallet.
I am still underemployed and even though I went out and found some small teaching gigs, the amount of time I put into prepping and travelling means they're probably not worth the effort. I'm trying to work on making money as an artist and maybe doing the craft business thing as well. Many different ideas, energy going in so many directions, lots to do, not a lot of income at the moment. It's on my mind all the time, I never just take a day off. It's all I talk about with my friends, I hope they bear with me. My network of friends and acquaintances have been fairly supportive so fair. Nerdboy's been amazing, although sometimes he freaks out and a little while ago he did complain about not getting weekends with me.
I met a young woman who's starting a non-profit organization and is looking for a partner. I'm meeting with her this week. I really want to do it. I haven't exactly told Nerdboy how seriously I'm considering it. It will take probably 3 years before the non-profit got stabilized enough to pay ourselves proper wages, and it will be a constant struggle to keep an arts-focused non-profit afloat. But I'm so angry at the world these days, and I need to do something I feel good about. Life with Nerdboy has been a bit reclusive, I work odd hours and am tired and happy to spend evenings on the couch with him instead of all the volunteering and clubs I used to attend.
Nerdboy. I'm quite happy with our day-to-day life. I hope it's not just the novelty of living with someone for the first time. I get excited about grocery shopping together, I ogle him when he comes out the shower (ha, pervert!), I grin at him when we're reading in bed together. He thinks I'm weird but I think he's flattered.
Sometimes I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach though- he's not what I wanted. He's not scrupulously ethical, he's not on board with the green living thing, he doesn't even donate to charity! I wanted someone more concerned with others, with giving back. I don't think he's a bad person, I think he's just trying to live his little life. He's been through some stuff and I think he believes he gets to indulge himself for his own happiness...it's a big jump to get to happy through not thinking about yourself. I'm not there yet either but I can at least glimpse the possibilities.
anyways. I think about this stuff a lot.
I'm pretty angry these days, as I said. I secretly flip the bird to every SUV and big truck that passes. Just a little twitch of the middle finger. I don't know why I do it. It's probably causing me distress, I realize it does nothing, much as I'd like to believe in karma. But its my accounting of how much work has to be done. Our society has no connection to the Earth, no idea where things come from or where they go when they're done, no thought of future generations. Even if you don't believe in climate change, you can believe in rising gas prices as you burn the stuff up!
And I'm a bit obsessed with overpopulation (I did a report on the subject in high school.) When did the Earth reach 1 billion humans? 1863. We've doubled twice since then. So I frown a bit when people announce the birth of their third... It's not their fault. They love their children, and every living thing wants to pass on its genes. There's enough food, life seems good, and so they reproduce.
I haven't dealt with the fact that I probably am jealous. I never experienced love and sex, and my female parts don't totally work right (PCOS). I never allowed myself to imagine being a mother, I just didn't think about it. And then I met Nerdboy and finally had sex and immediately he got a vasectomy before I even had time to get used to the idea of pregnancy being a possibility. So the decision was made for me. Not that I have to stay with Nerdboy forever but it is the path I'm on at the moment.
I have accepted the fact that children are not in my future. I think the future is full of big changes for mankind and scary ones. It's very depressing. But yesterday we were in the car after a family dinner and somehow started talking about whether it was selfless or selfish to remain childless. Apparently a lot of people with kids think childless people are selfish. And yes, parenting is a lot of work and unpleasantness and sacrifice. I agree. But is it selfless to make a child if you know you could pass on a genetic disease? Would a parent choose to rescue their own child over saving multiple others? There is a little bit of ego in passing on your genes.
Enough philosophizing....the point is, Nerdboy claimed that children were poop-machines that didn't have personalities until the age of five. As a teacher, and devoted aunt, I disagreed vehemently. And I said, "There's a part of me that's sad I won't be a mother and I don't think you get that!" He was surprised, said I'd never said anything. (I have, I remember clearly because it was hard for me to say, but he didn't register what I said or how much emotion was behind it. And he's forgotten that I wasn't totally comfortable with the vasectomy idea.) I would prefer a man who wanted children, or at least chose not to have them for the same reasons as me, not just because babies soil their diapers and it's icky.
I realized that maybe I'm so angry about the state of the environment because I feel like my future is gone. I should feel nothing if I have no children, I can use all the resources I want because when I'm gone, it's other people's problems. But I'm trying to live lightly and have chosen voluntary extinction. And that's the saddest thing possible- the thought of the end of our species. I am going against every instinct to reproduce. I am sad for the children I won't have and for what today's children are going to inherit.
We didn't really talk for the rest of the trip, and we went to our computers when we got home. Later in bed he asked what was up but I have such trouble telling him what's on my mind. He's not empathetic, I can't tell how much he understands. I felt my eyes watering so I just cuddled him. I said, 'How much do we hide from each other?" He joked, "was I having an affair?"... Not at all what I meant. He said he was mostly honest with me, except he didn't want to burden me. He said something about things that were too heavy or I wouldn't care about. I should have pressed him to say more but we went to sleep.
I have been wishing we'd talk more. I imagined staying up all night sharing ideas and deep secrets with a lover. I long for intense conversations. This hasn't happened. I wish he would be vulnerable with me. I am a little with him, but I hide so much from him. I don't know why, relationships are new to me and I guess I think it's better to not rock the boat?
I don't know how to initiate sex and I seem to think about it more than he does. (And he told me he was so sexual!) If we go more than three day, I'm hoping for it, and disappointed, but I don't say anything. Although two weeks ago I made a plan in the morning to suggest he use the vibrator on me and finally just before bed I blurted it out and um...it went much better than expected.
I still can't orgasm. Since that night though, we'll have sex and he'll have his finish and then he'll focus on me for as long as I want. It can be an hour of just his hands or the vibrator, and I'm able to feel pleasure that I didn't think was possible last year, but still no orgasm. But it's something we're working on together and that feels reassuring.
Sometimes I do seem to feel some despair about sex though. Whatever coping mechanisms I came up with during those years of celibacy have messed me up a little, and they've not totally dropped away.
Life has changed so much and who I am is being shaken up a bit. Living with someone certainly reveals one's flaws. I don't think I'd trade this life but it's still fitting like new shoes that need breaking in.
I have so much to do this week but I feel like I need to get my thoughts in order. I left my purse at someone's house last night and am somewhat stranded without my wallet.
I am still underemployed and even though I went out and found some small teaching gigs, the amount of time I put into prepping and travelling means they're probably not worth the effort. I'm trying to work on making money as an artist and maybe doing the craft business thing as well. Many different ideas, energy going in so many directions, lots to do, not a lot of income at the moment. It's on my mind all the time, I never just take a day off. It's all I talk about with my friends, I hope they bear with me. My network of friends and acquaintances have been fairly supportive so fair. Nerdboy's been amazing, although sometimes he freaks out and a little while ago he did complain about not getting weekends with me.
I met a young woman who's starting a non-profit organization and is looking for a partner. I'm meeting with her this week. I really want to do it. I haven't exactly told Nerdboy how seriously I'm considering it. It will take probably 3 years before the non-profit got stabilized enough to pay ourselves proper wages, and it will be a constant struggle to keep an arts-focused non-profit afloat. But I'm so angry at the world these days, and I need to do something I feel good about. Life with Nerdboy has been a bit reclusive, I work odd hours and am tired and happy to spend evenings on the couch with him instead of all the volunteering and clubs I used to attend.
Nerdboy. I'm quite happy with our day-to-day life. I hope it's not just the novelty of living with someone for the first time. I get excited about grocery shopping together, I ogle him when he comes out the shower (ha, pervert!), I grin at him when we're reading in bed together. He thinks I'm weird but I think he's flattered.
Sometimes I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach though- he's not what I wanted. He's not scrupulously ethical, he's not on board with the green living thing, he doesn't even donate to charity! I wanted someone more concerned with others, with giving back. I don't think he's a bad person, I think he's just trying to live his little life. He's been through some stuff and I think he believes he gets to indulge himself for his own happiness...it's a big jump to get to happy through not thinking about yourself. I'm not there yet either but I can at least glimpse the possibilities.
anyways. I think about this stuff a lot.
I'm pretty angry these days, as I said. I secretly flip the bird to every SUV and big truck that passes. Just a little twitch of the middle finger. I don't know why I do it. It's probably causing me distress, I realize it does nothing, much as I'd like to believe in karma. But its my accounting of how much work has to be done. Our society has no connection to the Earth, no idea where things come from or where they go when they're done, no thought of future generations. Even if you don't believe in climate change, you can believe in rising gas prices as you burn the stuff up!
And I'm a bit obsessed with overpopulation (I did a report on the subject in high school.) When did the Earth reach 1 billion humans? 1863. We've doubled twice since then. So I frown a bit when people announce the birth of their third... It's not their fault. They love their children, and every living thing wants to pass on its genes. There's enough food, life seems good, and so they reproduce.
I haven't dealt with the fact that I probably am jealous. I never experienced love and sex, and my female parts don't totally work right (PCOS). I never allowed myself to imagine being a mother, I just didn't think about it. And then I met Nerdboy and finally had sex and immediately he got a vasectomy before I even had time to get used to the idea of pregnancy being a possibility. So the decision was made for me. Not that I have to stay with Nerdboy forever but it is the path I'm on at the moment.
I have accepted the fact that children are not in my future. I think the future is full of big changes for mankind and scary ones. It's very depressing. But yesterday we were in the car after a family dinner and somehow started talking about whether it was selfless or selfish to remain childless. Apparently a lot of people with kids think childless people are selfish. And yes, parenting is a lot of work and unpleasantness and sacrifice. I agree. But is it selfless to make a child if you know you could pass on a genetic disease? Would a parent choose to rescue their own child over saving multiple others? There is a little bit of ego in passing on your genes.
Enough philosophizing....the point is, Nerdboy claimed that children were poop-machines that didn't have personalities until the age of five. As a teacher, and devoted aunt, I disagreed vehemently. And I said, "There's a part of me that's sad I won't be a mother and I don't think you get that!" He was surprised, said I'd never said anything. (I have, I remember clearly because it was hard for me to say, but he didn't register what I said or how much emotion was behind it. And he's forgotten that I wasn't totally comfortable with the vasectomy idea.) I would prefer a man who wanted children, or at least chose not to have them for the same reasons as me, not just because babies soil their diapers and it's icky.
I realized that maybe I'm so angry about the state of the environment because I feel like my future is gone. I should feel nothing if I have no children, I can use all the resources I want because when I'm gone, it's other people's problems. But I'm trying to live lightly and have chosen voluntary extinction. And that's the saddest thing possible- the thought of the end of our species. I am going against every instinct to reproduce. I am sad for the children I won't have and for what today's children are going to inherit.
We didn't really talk for the rest of the trip, and we went to our computers when we got home. Later in bed he asked what was up but I have such trouble telling him what's on my mind. He's not empathetic, I can't tell how much he understands. I felt my eyes watering so I just cuddled him. I said, 'How much do we hide from each other?" He joked, "was I having an affair?"... Not at all what I meant. He said he was mostly honest with me, except he didn't want to burden me. He said something about things that were too heavy or I wouldn't care about. I should have pressed him to say more but we went to sleep.
I have been wishing we'd talk more. I imagined staying up all night sharing ideas and deep secrets with a lover. I long for intense conversations. This hasn't happened. I wish he would be vulnerable with me. I am a little with him, but I hide so much from him. I don't know why, relationships are new to me and I guess I think it's better to not rock the boat?
I don't know how to initiate sex and I seem to think about it more than he does. (And he told me he was so sexual!) If we go more than three day, I'm hoping for it, and disappointed, but I don't say anything. Although two weeks ago I made a plan in the morning to suggest he use the vibrator on me and finally just before bed I blurted it out and um...it went much better than expected.
I still can't orgasm. Since that night though, we'll have sex and he'll have his finish and then he'll focus on me for as long as I want. It can be an hour of just his hands or the vibrator, and I'm able to feel pleasure that I didn't think was possible last year, but still no orgasm. But it's something we're working on together and that feels reassuring.
Sometimes I do seem to feel some despair about sex though. Whatever coping mechanisms I came up with during those years of celibacy have messed me up a little, and they've not totally dropped away.
Life has changed so much and who I am is being shaken up a bit. Living with someone certainly reveals one's flaws. I don't think I'd trade this life but it's still fitting like new shoes that need breaking in.
Tuesday 4 March 2014
Kissing 101?
I'm working on my own me-being-an-artist projects this month, and doing less teaching. Not exactly by choice...Income is the tiniest trickle. Meanwhile, I'm coming up with so many ideas of craft products to sell and workshops to teach. I am probably putting my energy into too many ventures.
Nerdboy is being quite supportive and I couldn't do this without him. I hope it's just not gratitude and economic need that keeps me with him.
I think he's a little frustrated with me today. Yesterday I was preparing to teach a workshop and was frazzled, melted a spatula on the stove because I turned on the wrong element. And then I put something in the fridge that leaked everywhere... The workshop went well at least!
He hasn't said 'I love you' for a bit... not directly. He's said 'love you too' when I've said it to him, in that automatic 'yes dear' sort of way. I'm trying not to be weird about this but I've started being hyper aware of the absence of those words. Is it better to say it all the time or to save it for special moments?
He's affectionate and wants cuddles all the time so perhaps I should stop overthinking everything.
A few days ago I said I wanted to watch an old movie, a rare one that I love. Nerdboy had downloaded it months ago. He said I could watch it alone. I said very quietly, 'I want to watch it with you.' I was super hurt for the rest of the evening but I'm so bad at saying what I feel. I composed a speech in my head about what I was going to say. I'm watching the complete Star Trek franchise, movies and tv series (in order) to please him. I think he can watch one old movie, and not reject it before he even knows anything about it.
I didn't say anything that day. In the darkness in bed he started talking about a hard period in his life and then it didn't seem like the moment to change the subject.
~~~
Sex is going okay but still no orgasm.
I read two books.
Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming by Lou Paget.
There was a section (with pictures) of different masturbation techniques and different positions. We only tried a few, not good results. I felt like the book's message was 'try stuff until you have one!'
I also read 'Thanks for Coming' by Mara Altman which was her personal story of trying to have an organism. She was around 25 years old I think, lost her virginity at 17, her parents were really open about sex, her dad is a sex therapist... but she wouldn't touch herself. I'm pretty prudish, but even I was super frustrated that she was writing this whole book without doing step 1.
She goes on some wild adventures, really weird stuff. I don't know if I got anything out of it except to be reminded I'm really really vanilla.
~~~
Nerdboy won't use tongue when he kisses.
I don't get it. He's done almost every sexual act you can think of, he'll put his mouth lots of other places...he'll suck on my nose as a joke and I think that's gross...
All I want is the tip of my tongue to touch the tip of his tongue and roll around one or twice.
The only other person I ever kissed had a half-paralyzed mouth.
Nerdboy said I was too aggressive with my tongue. Then he'd dartingly thrust his tongue into my mouth exaggeratedly to demonstrate. He said, 'I'll have to teach you to French kiss'.
So we tried, and it was a disaster. He just giggled and said he didn't remember how to do it.
I've tried a few times to venture my tongue out and he told me it wasn't sexy.
But I'm so bored with his kisses, and when we have sex, sometimes we kiss but just as often we don't.
We've never really made out.
~~~
All my worries, written out.
I don't have relationship experience to draw on. I'm so insecure, and Nerdboy has his share of issues.
Reading this back, our relationship seems a little strange and I wonder what readers will think of Nerdboy.
Of course I've highlighted the lows and not the highs so that skews things.
Reading this back, our relationship seems a little strange and I wonder what readers will think of Nerdboy.
Of course I've highlighted the lows and not the highs so that skews things.
Sunday 16 February 2014
Still don't believe it
Nerdboy is out jogging. We had sex this morning, after a very busy week, during which we were quite grumpy at each other more than once. I have a harder time relaxing the muscles after a 'week off', and I can have some pain, and he'll be impatient and won't last long... Anyways, it wasn't great but it was fine. I never did go to physio, have to look into my health insurance policy to see if I can afford it.
Sometimes I just can't believe this has all happened to me.
I haven't been cuddled this much since I was a little child.
And now I live with this man from the internet, a man who's done everything sexually and I suspect has tried most narcotics too. That's all in the past but we both remark on how strange it is that we're together. "I do think it's funny I ended up with a virgin." "Hon, I never expected you. I thought I'd get a virgin!"
He'll be reading in bed and glance over and find me staring at him.
I'm just trying to understand the foreignness of another person. Strange strange man! I've never really been close to someone. Living with someone is bizarre. And wonderful. And frustrating.
I'm still not sure I understand his bisexuality. I know he's been in relationships with men. I tried to picture him kissing a man and couldn't do it. Mostly I just ignore it. Sometimes he comments on how hot some actor is. We don't have the same taste in men!
Besides, I'm not sexually attracted to just the physical. My crushes have an element of the chaste to them. Sex for me is still new and needs a great deal of trust. Maybe it's partly how men and women view sex?Although my friends will comment on 'hot guys' whereas I never have. (I do love Colin Firth, but it's not about what he looks like.)
I read an article on a married couple where the man was bisexual and after 15 years together, he wanted to explore that side of his sexuality. They agreed he could sleep with other people, and then opened up their relationship so she could too, and had threesomes and foursomes. I didn't show the article to Nerdboy, but it's in the back of my mind. Is that what we end up doing if we stay together? I can't picture it. Cannot picture me there at all.
I think I would let him have affairs if it were just about sex. Better to be open about it than sneaking around.
This is moral grey area for me and it's weird to even being weighing these possibilities in my mind.
Nerdboy just helped me build a big art installation out of cardboard for an art festival. I couldn't have done with without him, he wouldn't have done it without me. He loved it. I wanted to pay him and he refused.
We already have another project (and another deadline!). We did fight a little during the last one but this might be our weird 'togetherness' thing.
He is really being supportive. He said he was investing in me and my career. Damn it, he might just be good for me!
Because of the installation, I have some money in the bank this month! Not sure what's happening next with my career, but I am trying to make things happen and it's exciting.
Sometimes I just can't believe this has all happened to me.
I haven't been cuddled this much since I was a little child.
And now I live with this man from the internet, a man who's done everything sexually and I suspect has tried most narcotics too. That's all in the past but we both remark on how strange it is that we're together. "I do think it's funny I ended up with a virgin." "Hon, I never expected you. I thought I'd get a virgin!"
He'll be reading in bed and glance over and find me staring at him.
I'm just trying to understand the foreignness of another person. Strange strange man! I've never really been close to someone. Living with someone is bizarre. And wonderful. And frustrating.
I'm still not sure I understand his bisexuality. I know he's been in relationships with men. I tried to picture him kissing a man and couldn't do it. Mostly I just ignore it. Sometimes he comments on how hot some actor is. We don't have the same taste in men!
Besides, I'm not sexually attracted to just the physical. My crushes have an element of the chaste to them. Sex for me is still new and needs a great deal of trust. Maybe it's partly how men and women view sex?Although my friends will comment on 'hot guys' whereas I never have. (I do love Colin Firth, but it's not about what he looks like.)
I read an article on a married couple where the man was bisexual and after 15 years together, he wanted to explore that side of his sexuality. They agreed he could sleep with other people, and then opened up their relationship so she could too, and had threesomes and foursomes. I didn't show the article to Nerdboy, but it's in the back of my mind. Is that what we end up doing if we stay together? I can't picture it. Cannot picture me there at all.
I think I would let him have affairs if it were just about sex. Better to be open about it than sneaking around.
This is moral grey area for me and it's weird to even being weighing these possibilities in my mind.
Nerdboy just helped me build a big art installation out of cardboard for an art festival. I couldn't have done with without him, he wouldn't have done it without me. He loved it. I wanted to pay him and he refused.
We already have another project (and another deadline!). We did fight a little during the last one but this might be our weird 'togetherness' thing.
He is really being supportive. He said he was investing in me and my career. Damn it, he might just be good for me!
Because of the installation, I have some money in the bank this month! Not sure what's happening next with my career, but I am trying to make things happen and it's exciting.
Tuesday 28 January 2014
six months in
Well, Elno, you're certainly in a different life than you were this summer. You're living with a man, you have sex, you jog, sometimes, and you're still hopelessly lost career-wise. And sometimes you don't really believe any of this is happening!
I'm sorta running out of money, my teaching gigs got cancelled again and I'm left with a spotty schedule. Had to dip into the savings. At least I've never been in debt.
I seem to have accepted Nerdboy for Nerdboy, although sometimes I do worry about the deeper stuff. A recent discussion about buying a pvr showed our different viewpoints on meaningful uses of time and money...it's still less than ideal but we seem to work well together in general
Yeah. So that's the update. Nerdboy and I are going strong, I'm super stressed about money, I'm putting a lot of energy into a lot of different avenues, which might be inefficient, and I'm a feeling a little bit lonely because I don't have coworkers to talk to during the day. it's time to reconnect with friends and volunteering, the intense relationship bubble period is probably about done.
I'm sorta running out of money, my teaching gigs got cancelled again and I'm left with a spotty schedule. Had to dip into the savings. At least I've never been in debt.
I seem to have accepted Nerdboy for Nerdboy, although sometimes I do worry about the deeper stuff. A recent discussion about buying a pvr showed our different viewpoints on meaningful uses of time and money...it's still less than ideal but we seem to work well together in general
Yeah. So that's the update. Nerdboy and I are going strong, I'm super stressed about money, I'm putting a lot of energy into a lot of different avenues, which might be inefficient, and I'm a feeling a little bit lonely because I don't have coworkers to talk to during the day. it's time to reconnect with friends and volunteering, the intense relationship bubble period is probably about done.
Saturday 11 January 2014
levels of existance
Nerdboy is playing video games. We've just been out running errands. We nearly had a quarrel in the store because he wanted to buy a (brand name) cleaning product with bleach and I only want to use the kinds that say 'natural' and 'green' on it. He said flat out he'd buy it when I wasn't there and I said, "You're going to do what you want anyways" and he picked up a bottle and put it in our basket. I should have at least made my case that this product gets a failing grade from Environmental Working Group and that we should at least try green cleaner alternatives first...Now I've got a bottle of this poisonous stuff in my house.
Same old conflict. He said, "Your first reaction is always no." I said, "That is true. My basic position for everything is we don't need to buy this. It means I have to convince myself to let stuff into my life"
We got three new dishclothes, victory for me. I think I mentioned he has one smelly cloth and I was raised to use a clean one every day.
Oh, little details. You learn so much about yourself when faced with how other people live. I need a new way to deal with our conflicting viewpoints, I can't just take the moral high ground, as I see it, and refuse to make my case or listen to his needs. I just feel like I'm informed about environmental issues and he isn't and of course he should try to save the earth, by doing what I tell him. Other than recycling, I'm not making much headway with his habits.
I went to visit Instafriend, she's been having health struggles and she's feeling a little low. I told her about Nerdboy not understanding the issue that's most important to me. I'm feeling alternately angry and depressed about all the ways the world is messed up, and let's face it, people don't care. (Even I don't care ALL the time. I bought some cheap storage basket today and Nerdboy teased me it was made by child labour, and it probably was. But it was perfect to fit under our dresser!)
Ok, I'm getting off track. The basic point is that I read depressing books about environmental issues, almost constantly, and I want to talk to someone about them, and I'm feeling lonely. Very lonely. Instafriend does share some of my environmental concerns so at least talking to her helped a bit. And she talked about her marriage, about some of the troubles they've had, the big fight when her husband brought home a giant TV, how she's come to accept his video game habit. They're actually a good couple, they support each other, they have a social life, regular date nights and go swimming together weekly. But early in their marriage, he hit her once and she almost left him. There could be dark times in any long term relationship.
She said she didn't realize how much marriage formally committed her to her choice. She chose her husband, she chose to love him even though some things will always drive her crazy.
Instafriend said some perhaps insightful things about Nerdboy- I talked about him fighting so hard to create an identity different from his parents', and having them accept him...I told her a little about how he's done everything sexually and mostly to please his partners.... and that he jumps onto my art projects, all my projects actually, and has advise or wants to get involved. (these little tidbits were revealed in a long conversation and at the end she put them together into a theory-- maybe he's still struggling with his own identity, he's so willing to latch on to others'. It could explain why he was so devastated when his last partner left him. He has his quirks, he does know himself and is somewhat self-aware, but...
...he seems to have no dreams. His hobbies aren't challenging, he isn't involved with any groups, he has few friends. This is so bizarre to me. I'm an artist, I'm head-in-the-clouds, pie-in-the-sky. I am always, always, always, reading about big ideas, making stuff and creating, finding something wrong with me I want to work on, and dreaming of what I want to to be, and what I want the world to be.
His dreams seem to be 'what I'd do if I won the lottery' type stuff.
He is just coming out of a depression, last year. We've been together such a short time still. Not yet 6 months. I haven't actually asked him what he wants from life. Instafriend thought I should tell him that I think volunteering is sexy. I don't want him to do it for me. Oh, it's a little bit of a lie every time somebody says that. If he did it for me, I'd be thrilled. But I hope that he finds it worthwhile for himself. (I read some books on behavior change- start doing the behavior, it becomes part of your identity and you justify how it fits your identity and values after.)
It's hard to explain, but I feel like if I could just ignore my loftier ambitions in life, I'd be content with life as it is. Day to day life, squabbles aside, is quietly happy. Going to sleep with someone's arms around you- pretty darn nice. Nerdboy and I have fun together, we're playful, we have projects to do, we both like efficiency in certain ways so we get things done. There are lots of reasons why I'm with him.
And I'm trying to start making money as an artist, and I like thinking like an entrepreneur, it's sorta like playing 'Lemonade Tycoon' in real life.... But in real life I worry about making decorative items when people have so much stuff already....I want art to be a publicly owned good, I don't want to make trinkets....that's a bit hard to explain quickly but to sum up, what I want to do for a living doesn't quite jive with my vision for the world. Environmental activism doesn't make money...I don't want fancy stuff but I would love to own a house and land of my own someday.
Same old conflict. He said, "Your first reaction is always no." I said, "That is true. My basic position for everything is we don't need to buy this. It means I have to convince myself to let stuff into my life"
We got three new dishclothes, victory for me. I think I mentioned he has one smelly cloth and I was raised to use a clean one every day.
Oh, little details. You learn so much about yourself when faced with how other people live. I need a new way to deal with our conflicting viewpoints, I can't just take the moral high ground, as I see it, and refuse to make my case or listen to his needs. I just feel like I'm informed about environmental issues and he isn't and of course he should try to save the earth, by doing what I tell him. Other than recycling, I'm not making much headway with his habits.
I went to visit Instafriend, she's been having health struggles and she's feeling a little low. I told her about Nerdboy not understanding the issue that's most important to me. I'm feeling alternately angry and depressed about all the ways the world is messed up, and let's face it, people don't care. (Even I don't care ALL the time. I bought some cheap storage basket today and Nerdboy teased me it was made by child labour, and it probably was. But it was perfect to fit under our dresser!)
Ok, I'm getting off track. The basic point is that I read depressing books about environmental issues, almost constantly, and I want to talk to someone about them, and I'm feeling lonely. Very lonely. Instafriend does share some of my environmental concerns so at least talking to her helped a bit. And she talked about her marriage, about some of the troubles they've had, the big fight when her husband brought home a giant TV, how she's come to accept his video game habit. They're actually a good couple, they support each other, they have a social life, regular date nights and go swimming together weekly. But early in their marriage, he hit her once and she almost left him. There could be dark times in any long term relationship.
She said she didn't realize how much marriage formally committed her to her choice. She chose her husband, she chose to love him even though some things will always drive her crazy.
Instafriend said some perhaps insightful things about Nerdboy- I talked about him fighting so hard to create an identity different from his parents', and having them accept him...I told her a little about how he's done everything sexually and mostly to please his partners.... and that he jumps onto my art projects, all my projects actually, and has advise or wants to get involved. (these little tidbits were revealed in a long conversation and at the end she put them together into a theory-- maybe he's still struggling with his own identity, he's so willing to latch on to others'. It could explain why he was so devastated when his last partner left him. He has his quirks, he does know himself and is somewhat self-aware, but...
...he seems to have no dreams. His hobbies aren't challenging, he isn't involved with any groups, he has few friends. This is so bizarre to me. I'm an artist, I'm head-in-the-clouds, pie-in-the-sky. I am always, always, always, reading about big ideas, making stuff and creating, finding something wrong with me I want to work on, and dreaming of what I want to to be, and what I want the world to be.
His dreams seem to be 'what I'd do if I won the lottery' type stuff.
He is just coming out of a depression, last year. We've been together such a short time still. Not yet 6 months. I haven't actually asked him what he wants from life. Instafriend thought I should tell him that I think volunteering is sexy. I don't want him to do it for me. Oh, it's a little bit of a lie every time somebody says that. If he did it for me, I'd be thrilled. But I hope that he finds it worthwhile for himself. (I read some books on behavior change- start doing the behavior, it becomes part of your identity and you justify how it fits your identity and values after.)
It's hard to explain, but I feel like if I could just ignore my loftier ambitions in life, I'd be content with life as it is. Day to day life, squabbles aside, is quietly happy. Going to sleep with someone's arms around you- pretty darn nice. Nerdboy and I have fun together, we're playful, we have projects to do, we both like efficiency in certain ways so we get things done. There are lots of reasons why I'm with him.
And I'm trying to start making money as an artist, and I like thinking like an entrepreneur, it's sorta like playing 'Lemonade Tycoon' in real life.... But in real life I worry about making decorative items when people have so much stuff already....I want art to be a publicly owned good, I don't want to make trinkets....that's a bit hard to explain quickly but to sum up, what I want to do for a living doesn't quite jive with my vision for the world. Environmental activism doesn't make money...I don't want fancy stuff but I would love to own a house and land of my own someday.
Monday 6 January 2014
every day more life happens
So, I lucked out and found a great artist studio near my place (Nerdboy's place, which is now mine as well). It's $250 a month but it might be worth it just for the storage space. My goal for this year is simply to make enough to cover the cost of the studio with my art. Aim high! But really, it takes time to set up the relationships and find the market for my creative talents. Make it and they will come?
My grandmother died just before Christmas so I have to go out of town for the service and have to face my father this week.
Nerdboy. Oh, Nerdboy. We've been moving in my stuff, rearranging things, running errands. We've been driving each other a little crazy I think. His Christmas gift to me was a bit of a flop. A Doctor Who sonic screwdriver pen! He doesn't get the environmentalism thing at all. I just saw an overpackaged novelty item I can't recycle. There is a good chance he will never understand how I think about buying 'stuff'' (Everything is analyzed for its usefulness, longevity, ethical production, carbon footprint, etc) while he just sees the latest toy as 'cool' 'affordable' and 'I want it!'.
~~~~~
Finally getting around to finishing this post, a week later.
Went to the small town where my grandparents live to attend my Grandma's funeral. I stayed at my uncle's, my dad also stayed there. His side of the family is huge so there were always relatives around. It was awkward but we were polite. On the morning of the last day of the trip (I drove up with my sister) he cornered me at breakfast and said, "Eleanor, we should start the New Year off right." I just froze and made a face, probably- really wasn't handling that like a grown-up. I mumbled something about I had to do it my way (the letter I promised I'd write him.) and he got angry and said, "I don't think you're treating me fairly and I'm very upset about that." I walked away.
Came home for New Year's Eve, still mourning and a bit stressed. Wanted to give the keys back to the roommate but he wanted me to clean the bathroom. I showered there once in December, Nerdboy was furious and wanted me to refuse. I hate conflict so I agreed to do it New Year's Day. Spent New Year's Eve at home with Nerdboy. In bed. Naked. Probably my best New Year's Eve ever.
Since then, we've been busy unpacking and reorganizing our place and setting up my studio. Nerdboy's been so helpful, I couldn't have done this alone. He had holidays, he said some saucy things about having morning sex every day but we haven't done anything since New Years. I don't really understand his sex drive or how to initiate sex so I just wait for him to give a sign but this week it was all cuddles. Sigh.
Not a lot new to report. Living together seems to work okay, we sometimes drive each other crazy but we talk about it. I noticed he does what he wants, while I always check in (he puts on his music, I ask permission.) Last time I asked, he chose music he thought I'd like. I tried to tell him I wanted to choose my own music. Next time, I just do it. I live here too.
The deeper issue still exists-- I'm so idealistic and he's not. He works fulltime, when he's home he wants to goof off. I believe life is about more than video games and internet cats. Humanity is facing a great crisis and we should all be acting to help others, to create change!! I've been skipping out on some of my volunteer activities while I'm in the 'new relationship' phase, but I'm going to go crazy if I'm not trying to act on what I care about. What if I sorta...look down on Nerdboy? That isn't going to work. How can I tell him why I get sullen and withdrawn when he spends hours at the computer without sounding like I'm judging him?
I guess a relationship is working if both parties think it's working. Clearly I'm not quite satisfied, although day to day, life is quite good with Nerdboy. I don't know.
My grandmother died just before Christmas so I have to go out of town for the service and have to face my father this week.
Nerdboy. Oh, Nerdboy. We've been moving in my stuff, rearranging things, running errands. We've been driving each other a little crazy I think. His Christmas gift to me was a bit of a flop. A Doctor Who sonic screwdriver pen! He doesn't get the environmentalism thing at all. I just saw an overpackaged novelty item I can't recycle. There is a good chance he will never understand how I think about buying 'stuff'' (Everything is analyzed for its usefulness, longevity, ethical production, carbon footprint, etc) while he just sees the latest toy as 'cool' 'affordable' and 'I want it!'.
~~~~~
Finally getting around to finishing this post, a week later.
Went to the small town where my grandparents live to attend my Grandma's funeral. I stayed at my uncle's, my dad also stayed there. His side of the family is huge so there were always relatives around. It was awkward but we were polite. On the morning of the last day of the trip (I drove up with my sister) he cornered me at breakfast and said, "Eleanor, we should start the New Year off right." I just froze and made a face, probably- really wasn't handling that like a grown-up. I mumbled something about I had to do it my way (the letter I promised I'd write him.) and he got angry and said, "I don't think you're treating me fairly and I'm very upset about that." I walked away.
Came home for New Year's Eve, still mourning and a bit stressed. Wanted to give the keys back to the roommate but he wanted me to clean the bathroom. I showered there once in December, Nerdboy was furious and wanted me to refuse. I hate conflict so I agreed to do it New Year's Day. Spent New Year's Eve at home with Nerdboy. In bed. Naked. Probably my best New Year's Eve ever.
Since then, we've been busy unpacking and reorganizing our place and setting up my studio. Nerdboy's been so helpful, I couldn't have done this alone. He had holidays, he said some saucy things about having morning sex every day but we haven't done anything since New Years. I don't really understand his sex drive or how to initiate sex so I just wait for him to give a sign but this week it was all cuddles. Sigh.
Not a lot new to report. Living together seems to work okay, we sometimes drive each other crazy but we talk about it. I noticed he does what he wants, while I always check in (he puts on his music, I ask permission.) Last time I asked, he chose music he thought I'd like. I tried to tell him I wanted to choose my own music. Next time, I just do it. I live here too.
The deeper issue still exists-- I'm so idealistic and he's not. He works fulltime, when he's home he wants to goof off. I believe life is about more than video games and internet cats. Humanity is facing a great crisis and we should all be acting to help others, to create change!! I've been skipping out on some of my volunteer activities while I'm in the 'new relationship' phase, but I'm going to go crazy if I'm not trying to act on what I care about. What if I sorta...look down on Nerdboy? That isn't going to work. How can I tell him why I get sullen and withdrawn when he spends hours at the computer without sounding like I'm judging him?
I guess a relationship is working if both parties think it's working. Clearly I'm not quite satisfied, although day to day, life is quite good with Nerdboy. I don't know.
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