I was watching 'The Music Man' on the classic movie channel and was inspired by the character of Marian the Librarian to start a list of films that portray loveshy characters. For those of you who don't know the film, it takes Marian '26 years to get to the footbridge with a fella.' She is a music teacher and the head librarian in the town library, the keeper of all things cultural and intellectual in a small farm town. She falls in love with a travelling salesman, and even though he's a swindler she defends him because he's brought some excitement into her buttoned-up life. "There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing, til there was you", she sings to him.
There's a similar plot in 'The Rainmaker' (1956.) Katherine Hepburn plays Lizzie, smart and practical and plain. She's fated to be an old maid until Burt Lancaster, the rainmaker, comes into town. He is revealed as a phony and chased out of town but not until he and Lizzie share a kiss in the barn. For the first time she feels beautiful. Burt Lancaster leaves, and Lizzie settles down with the town sheriff. (Burt Lancaster is absolutely magnetic in this role, by the way.)
Katherine Hepburn played a few spinsters in her day...There's also The African Queen, where she plays a prim and proper missionary, and Summertime, where she plays a middle-aged school teacher who has a fling with a married man on a trip to Italy. Katherine Hepburn is such a quirky, smart, strong woman herself that she seems to either get the role of powerful wife who has to embrace domesticity in order to live peacefully with a husband threatened by her independence, or the spinster. Women who choose to remain single and are fulfilled by their independence challenge woman's role as wife and mother in the structure of society, so they have to be shown as depressed, dumpy, objects of ridicule. I'm stealing some of these ideas from this great article I just read, on a blog I'm going to check out again when I've got more time: Hollywood Spinster
Bette Davis in Now Voyager transforms from a dumpy old maid to a stylish confidant woman through her love for a man she can't have and a child that's not her own. All of these women are grateful beyond expression for the chance to be loved, even if it's only temporary or socially unacceptable.
The only film I can think of that deals with incel for both sexes is Marty (1955.) From IMDB: "Marty is a 34-year-old butcher whose Italian family is constantly after him to get married. He meets plain-looking schoolteacher Clara. They are both lonely, unglamorous people who have resigned themselves to their unloved lives. But they manage, in time, to grope their way to love."
Some quotes from the movie:
"All my brothers and brothers-in-laws tell me what a good-hearted guy I am. You don't get to be good-hearted by accident. You get kicked around long enough, you become a professor of pain."
"Ma, sooner or later, there comes a point in a man's life when he's gotta face some facts. And one fact I gotta face is that, whatever it is that women like, I ain't got it."
"See, dogs like us, we ain't such dogs as we think we are."
I find this film very hard to watch, and yet I'm drawn in. I think at one point one of the two characters actually talks about thinking about killing themself. Marty calls himself and Clara 'dogs'. They meet at a dance when nobody else wants to dance with them. Clara's date leaves her for another, more attractive girl, and Marty is asked to take over for him. His family and friends discourage the budding relationship, but he decides he was happier with Clara and asks her to marry him.
Sometimes I feel like love is only for beautiful people....In the movies it is anyways.
Sunday 31 July 2011
Thursday 28 July 2011
Numbers, Decisions and Support
I think writing this blog is helpful, even though I've been pretty negative lately...
Feeling slightly better today, since summer school is almost over, and I'm looking forward to a month of feeling healthier, enjoying summer and getting my ducks in a row.
Last night I started an 'official' Moving Out Budget excel spreadsheet. I realized I was trying to make a budget for a year of not working, when in fact it's only 8 months! I will graduate in May 2012, and can start working that summer! I'm going to get a nice city job right after graduating, right? Even estimating next summer's income using the wage I'm getting this summer, moving out is not completely unattainable. If I can make $150 a week while at school I wouldn't even have to touch my savings at all...
It's still going to be a penny-pinching life, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled and if anybody I know needs a roommate I think I'll go for it.
In other news, my pregnant sister-in-law had false labour last weekend so she could pop any day now, although her due date's next week.
I am still coughing a little and short of breath, especially when I wake up. I have to use a puffer twice a day!
I am still watching as much Big Bang Theory as I can, and my favourite classic movie dvd 'I Know Where I'm Going' had to go back to the library but I watched it daily for two weeks.
My best friend in another city is getting ready to move back to town, just a 10 minute walk from me! I can't wait, but right now she is very very very stressed and busy. We usually talk to each other several times a week, hour long phone calls, but right now our schedules aren't allowing that, and when we do talk she is very distracted. She talks a lot about all the things she has to get done and it's very boring for me, but I'm trying to be supportive since she's supported me through a lot of distraught phone calls! In the meantime, this blog is my release for those sorts of feelings- maybe a way for me to be more independent?
I also check this forum, Incel Support almost daily, although I'm not a member. I believe that is called 'creeping'! I find the success stories and the solutions page very helpful, although I warn you that there is a few people who use the forum as a cry for help, and their posts are very negative and even suicidal. Suicidal posts are deleted and their posters banned. It is sad that people are driven to that, and that the forum can't help, but they really can't... Also it seems that male incels react sometimes by hating women, all women....
I'm not doing a real good job of selling it, am I? There are really positive and helpful discussions, most of the time, I promise. A few days ago I read a post that I'm still thinking over. A guy posted he'd went on his first internet date and had a good time, but realized he had no business dating until he got a better job, moved out and lost weight.... Sounds exactly like what I'm telling myself now. Everyone told him that he shouldn't wait, shouldn't put off working on finding a relationship until some undefined date, that if he had a good time he should run with it, that he should work on everything all at once... I don't know. If he doesn't like himself, if he isn't happy with his life, how well he do in a relationship?
It seems that older virgins aren't in general very successful in other areas of their lives...is it low self esteem creating failure or failure creating low self esteem? This study paints a picture of the typical older virgin- I don't quite fit the mold except that I'm white and I don't drink much....
Note- Watching Big Bang Theory as I write- it's my favourite episode, when Leonard and Penny first go out.
Feeling slightly better today, since summer school is almost over, and I'm looking forward to a month of feeling healthier, enjoying summer and getting my ducks in a row.
Last night I started an 'official' Moving Out Budget excel spreadsheet. I realized I was trying to make a budget for a year of not working, when in fact it's only 8 months! I will graduate in May 2012, and can start working that summer! I'm going to get a nice city job right after graduating, right? Even estimating next summer's income using the wage I'm getting this summer, moving out is not completely unattainable. If I can make $150 a week while at school I wouldn't even have to touch my savings at all...
It's still going to be a penny-pinching life, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled and if anybody I know needs a roommate I think I'll go for it.
In other news, my pregnant sister-in-law had false labour last weekend so she could pop any day now, although her due date's next week.
I am still coughing a little and short of breath, especially when I wake up. I have to use a puffer twice a day!
I am still watching as much Big Bang Theory as I can, and my favourite classic movie dvd 'I Know Where I'm Going' had to go back to the library but I watched it daily for two weeks.
My best friend in another city is getting ready to move back to town, just a 10 minute walk from me! I can't wait, but right now she is very very very stressed and busy. We usually talk to each other several times a week, hour long phone calls, but right now our schedules aren't allowing that, and when we do talk she is very distracted. She talks a lot about all the things she has to get done and it's very boring for me, but I'm trying to be supportive since she's supported me through a lot of distraught phone calls! In the meantime, this blog is my release for those sorts of feelings- maybe a way for me to be more independent?
I also check this forum, Incel Support almost daily, although I'm not a member. I believe that is called 'creeping'! I find the success stories and the solutions page very helpful, although I warn you that there is a few people who use the forum as a cry for help, and their posts are very negative and even suicidal. Suicidal posts are deleted and their posters banned. It is sad that people are driven to that, and that the forum can't help, but they really can't... Also it seems that male incels react sometimes by hating women, all women....
I'm not doing a real good job of selling it, am I? There are really positive and helpful discussions, most of the time, I promise. A few days ago I read a post that I'm still thinking over. A guy posted he'd went on his first internet date and had a good time, but realized he had no business dating until he got a better job, moved out and lost weight.... Sounds exactly like what I'm telling myself now. Everyone told him that he shouldn't wait, shouldn't put off working on finding a relationship until some undefined date, that if he had a good time he should run with it, that he should work on everything all at once... I don't know. If he doesn't like himself, if he isn't happy with his life, how well he do in a relationship?
It seems that older virgins aren't in general very successful in other areas of their lives...is it low self esteem creating failure or failure creating low self esteem? This study paints a picture of the typical older virgin- I don't quite fit the mold except that I'm white and I don't drink much....
Note- Watching Big Bang Theory as I write- it's my favourite episode, when Leonard and Penny first go out.
Monday 25 July 2011
At This Moment...
At this moment the light at the end of the tunnel is flickering and growing dim. At the beginning of the summer I was excited about all the job offers I was getting. I was telling myself I wasn't going back to school in the fall, but signed up for two summer school courses anyways...I was going to eat healthy and get back on track with exercise and with my own creative work. And most importantly, I've been carrying around in my head for months the idea/half baked plan that I would move out at the end of the summer, just before I turn thirty.
Today it feels like nothing's going to change.
I live in the suburbs, away from all the arts organizations I work for, away from the nightlife (whatever that is), away from the young (single) people...It takes me an hour on transit each way. I've probably spent years of my life on transit. My little dream is to rent an apartment in this funky neighbourhood. I'd settle for a basement suite. (The catch is I want to keep my dog or at least be able to take him when my mother goes away, and the city is so expensive.)
I'm bummed because instead of listening in class tonight, I started making a budget on a piece of scrap paper...Of course I'm making up numbers out of my head; I don't really know how much I'd spend a week on food for example...If I was generous in some areas I skimped in others. The number I came up with was still $4000 more than my savings and summer wages combined, when I include next year's tuition costs. Is it really worth blowing my savings to do this? If I live at home one year longer....finish school, get a good job, all without student loans? Financially smarter, but can my pride stand it?
Of course I could work and go to school at the same time. I didn't work last year and I could barely keep up with the homework. There was a lot of group projects and I ended up doing the work of slackers...slackers who had nice cushy city jobs and will have nice cushy city jobs after they graduate regardless of their marks. If I'm working and going to school and learning how to live on my own, I won't have much time for art or fun. Would I be happier than I am now?
Oh I hate school so so SO much and dread going back....Is that piece of paper really going to guarantee me the job, or am I just wasting two years?
The thing is, there are two things I avoid telling people- that I live at home and that I've never had a boyfriend. I worry I won't be able to feel good about myself until I move out. That is, I won't actively try the dating scene until I'm independent. I know moving out is going to be a real shock for me and I'm going to learn so much about the real world. It's going to be extremely unpleasant and yet I want to make myself do it because I think it will make a new life start for me. It's the only way to break old habits.
I don't know how people fit so much into their lives- work school social time and just taking care of the daily chores. I'm exhausted all the time doing just a fraction of that. It doesn't help that I've had this cough for a month now, and all the work and volunteering I'm doing should be fun, but are a bit stressful because I'm feeling behind and overwhelmed.
So much work to do in all areas... I have this chart on Joe's Goals where I keep track of all the daily habits I'm trying to build up: Draw every day, exercise, clean, talk to a new person, walk my dog...The only problem is if I really did them all it would take me 6 hours a day! If I want to be an artist, I need time to make art and experiment and develop....economically impossible...oh, and I've had years to do that and it's been fits and spurts....
The other complication in all this is that my mother, whom I live with, hasn't decided what she's doing about school next year and my father has recently sold his business, stopped paying her alimony and is trying to negotiate a final settlement with her. She expects she could get more money if she started going for her Master's....another two years at the university. We don't live near to the U, would she be better off in an apartment on campus, will she have to sell the house anyways?
On another topic:
I mentioned that I had read a profile that intrigued me on OKC. I haven't done anything about it; I haven't even logged into OKC to read it again, but I've spent the day making up silly daydreams about seeing him on the bus, recognizing him, and boldly starting a conversation. I would know all these things about him and he wouldn't know anything about me. I would be witty, mysterious, intriguing and he would just have to see me again...
I should explain that the guy seems quite brilliant and quirky and he's got this sad story of having a major medical emergency some time ago and his fiancee not being able to handle it and dumping him. He is still recovering physically, and I imagine emotionally. I wonder if he's bitter about it. Maybe I should be seeing red flags but instead I think it's tragic and romantic. I wonder if it says something about my own opinion of myself that I pick the invalid- do I think he's the least likely to reject me? I will say again that I was very impressed by his writing and his passion for making a difference in the world...I even worry I'm not smart enough for him.
Listen to me talking like I know him...I saw a picture and 500 words and made up this ideal person all without even messaging the fellow. It is fascinating to me to analyze what it is I think I want. I think I don't really know what men are like at all. I don't think I'm planning to do anything about it at all; I think I've told myself I have to move out first. In the meantime it's fun to make up these little scenarios but oh! eventually I think I will drive myself mad....
Today it feels like nothing's going to change.
I live in the suburbs, away from all the arts organizations I work for, away from the nightlife (whatever that is), away from the young (single) people...It takes me an hour on transit each way. I've probably spent years of my life on transit. My little dream is to rent an apartment in this funky neighbourhood. I'd settle for a basement suite. (The catch is I want to keep my dog or at least be able to take him when my mother goes away, and the city is so expensive.)
I'm bummed because instead of listening in class tonight, I started making a budget on a piece of scrap paper...Of course I'm making up numbers out of my head; I don't really know how much I'd spend a week on food for example...If I was generous in some areas I skimped in others. The number I came up with was still $4000 more than my savings and summer wages combined, when I include next year's tuition costs. Is it really worth blowing my savings to do this? If I live at home one year longer....finish school, get a good job, all without student loans? Financially smarter, but can my pride stand it?
Of course I could work and go to school at the same time. I didn't work last year and I could barely keep up with the homework. There was a lot of group projects and I ended up doing the work of slackers...slackers who had nice cushy city jobs and will have nice cushy city jobs after they graduate regardless of their marks. If I'm working and going to school and learning how to live on my own, I won't have much time for art or fun. Would I be happier than I am now?
Oh I hate school so so SO much and dread going back....Is that piece of paper really going to guarantee me the job, or am I just wasting two years?
The thing is, there are two things I avoid telling people- that I live at home and that I've never had a boyfriend. I worry I won't be able to feel good about myself until I move out. That is, I won't actively try the dating scene until I'm independent. I know moving out is going to be a real shock for me and I'm going to learn so much about the real world. It's going to be extremely unpleasant and yet I want to make myself do it because I think it will make a new life start for me. It's the only way to break old habits.
I don't know how people fit so much into their lives- work school social time and just taking care of the daily chores. I'm exhausted all the time doing just a fraction of that. It doesn't help that I've had this cough for a month now, and all the work and volunteering I'm doing should be fun, but are a bit stressful because I'm feeling behind and overwhelmed.
So much work to do in all areas... I have this chart on Joe's Goals where I keep track of all the daily habits I'm trying to build up: Draw every day, exercise, clean, talk to a new person, walk my dog...The only problem is if I really did them all it would take me 6 hours a day! If I want to be an artist, I need time to make art and experiment and develop....economically impossible...oh, and I've had years to do that and it's been fits and spurts....
The other complication in all this is that my mother, whom I live with, hasn't decided what she's doing about school next year and my father has recently sold his business, stopped paying her alimony and is trying to negotiate a final settlement with her. She expects she could get more money if she started going for her Master's....another two years at the university. We don't live near to the U, would she be better off in an apartment on campus, will she have to sell the house anyways?
On another topic:
I mentioned that I had read a profile that intrigued me on OKC. I haven't done anything about it; I haven't even logged into OKC to read it again, but I've spent the day making up silly daydreams about seeing him on the bus, recognizing him, and boldly starting a conversation. I would know all these things about him and he wouldn't know anything about me. I would be witty, mysterious, intriguing and he would just have to see me again...
I should explain that the guy seems quite brilliant and quirky and he's got this sad story of having a major medical emergency some time ago and his fiancee not being able to handle it and dumping him. He is still recovering physically, and I imagine emotionally. I wonder if he's bitter about it. Maybe I should be seeing red flags but instead I think it's tragic and romantic. I wonder if it says something about my own opinion of myself that I pick the invalid- do I think he's the least likely to reject me? I will say again that I was very impressed by his writing and his passion for making a difference in the world...I even worry I'm not smart enough for him.
Listen to me talking like I know him...I saw a picture and 500 words and made up this ideal person all without even messaging the fellow. It is fascinating to me to analyze what it is I think I want. I think I don't really know what men are like at all. I don't think I'm planning to do anything about it at all; I think I've told myself I have to move out first. In the meantime it's fun to make up these little scenarios but oh! eventually I think I will drive myself mad....
Saturday 23 July 2011
Feedback Loop
This is going to be all over the place, thematically.
My blood test came back fine and the doctor said he couldn't do anything for my cough. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Does that mean I'm depressed?
A few years ago I was at the point where I would randomly start crying all the time. I went to counselling and worked very hard. I like to think I've beaten it, but at the same time I think I accept a mild depression as part and parcel of never having had a relationship. Self esteem can only go so far when faced with the cold hard reality of nobody wants to snog me.
Found this video today:
http://blip.tv/the-incel-project-/dr-carpenter-977157
It's an interview with a sociologist on the subject of incel. It's over 13 minutes long but reasonably interesting even if somewhat disheartening at times. She talks about involuntary celibacy leading to more involuntary celibacy since the individual's self esteem is lowered the longer he or she lives with it, and possible partners being turned off by the seeming oddity of an older virgin.
How do I get out of this feedback loop?
My self esteem is pretty good, on the surface. If I was asked, I would say I was a good person, smart, not bad looking....However I do this thing where I fixate on one area of myself that needs changing. As soon as I work hard enough and fix it, I will be a successful human being deserving of whatever reward I'm after. I have put off applying for jobs until I had one more qualification, or a few more good drawings in my portfolio. In terms of relationships, I have tried online dating on and off and always feel like I'm not ready.
I'm a perfectly lovely human being, just in need of some polishing before I'm ready to put myself on the market...(job or meat as the case may be.)
When I move out. When I lose a few pounds. When I get my career going. When I've got a bigger social circle...
Honestly, I've even told myself I'm waiting till my hair grows out! (I had a pixie cut that I'm letting go long, it's awkward at the moment.)
On a lighter note, I was browsing OK Cupid and am quite taken with this bearded fellow who likes Velma more than Daphne and lists Amelie as a favourite movie. Fantasizing about dressing up in my Velma costume (because I have one, like every good geekette), and a mask and photographing myself holding a 'Do you want to meet me?' sign like Amelie sends Nico. Not going to do it, but imagine the 'how we met' story....
My blood test came back fine and the doctor said he couldn't do anything for my cough. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Does that mean I'm depressed?
A few years ago I was at the point where I would randomly start crying all the time. I went to counselling and worked very hard. I like to think I've beaten it, but at the same time I think I accept a mild depression as part and parcel of never having had a relationship. Self esteem can only go so far when faced with the cold hard reality of nobody wants to snog me.
Found this video today:
http://blip.tv/the-incel-project-/dr-carpenter-977157
It's an interview with a sociologist on the subject of incel. It's over 13 minutes long but reasonably interesting even if somewhat disheartening at times. She talks about involuntary celibacy leading to more involuntary celibacy since the individual's self esteem is lowered the longer he or she lives with it, and possible partners being turned off by the seeming oddity of an older virgin.
How do I get out of this feedback loop?
My self esteem is pretty good, on the surface. If I was asked, I would say I was a good person, smart, not bad looking....However I do this thing where I fixate on one area of myself that needs changing. As soon as I work hard enough and fix it, I will be a successful human being deserving of whatever reward I'm after. I have put off applying for jobs until I had one more qualification, or a few more good drawings in my portfolio. In terms of relationships, I have tried online dating on and off and always feel like I'm not ready.
I'm a perfectly lovely human being, just in need of some polishing before I'm ready to put myself on the market...(job or meat as the case may be.)
When I move out. When I lose a few pounds. When I get my career going. When I've got a bigger social circle...
Honestly, I've even told myself I'm waiting till my hair grows out! (I had a pixie cut that I'm letting go long, it's awkward at the moment.)
On a lighter note, I was browsing OK Cupid and am quite taken with this bearded fellow who likes Velma more than Daphne and lists Amelie as a favourite movie. Fantasizing about dressing up in my Velma costume (because I have one, like every good geekette), and a mask and photographing myself holding a 'Do you want to meet me?' sign like Amelie sends Nico. Not going to do it, but imagine the 'how we met' story....
Friday 22 July 2011
The Dating Scene Scares Me
So yesterday I had a bit of a sulk. Photographer changed his fb profile pic to one with The Girl in it, just in case there was any doubt. It's not so much that I was interested in him as that I'm mad that I was wrong, that I let myself get carried away. And maybe a little bit, some sorta 'that was your only chance' thoughts ran through my head. The fact that he liked this dorky movie tipped the scales just enough in his favour that if, hypothetically, he had shown more interest I would probably have gone along with it, because I'm bored out of my skull and sick sick sick of waiting for whatever it is I'm waiting for.
To relieve the sulk, I did some OK Cupid browsing. I made an account a few weeks ago after reading the New Yorker article previously posted. At least OKC cuts out all the guys who post pictures of themselves posing shirtless in the bathroom mirror and whose profiles are just random keyboard mashings. I haven't filled out my profile completely nor posted a picture. I recognized someone I used to work with. What's the etiquette for that?
I opened the account to be a looky-loo while I decide if I wanted to really invest time in it or not. Last night I tried answering more of the OK Cupid questions that are supposed to help you find your matches. I was really uncomfortable with some of the questions: "Do you have sex after date 1-2, 3-5, 6+, or after the wedding?" People have sex on the first date with people they met online? Waiting till the 6th date is apparently really prudish. Even on Big Bang Theory, Bernadette told Howard the third date meant sex.
These are not expectations I'm comfortable with.
One profile was a high match for me and I liked everything he had written until I reached the bottom and it said he was looking for short term dating and casual sex, with younger women. That's when I logged off.
It makes me feel like I'm a kid playing in the grown-up sandbox. (Does that even make sense? It's almost 1am...) Or possibly I was born 100 years too late, because my notions are considerably out-dated and old fashioned.
I don't drink, I don't go to clubs, and my typical Friday night is spent at home watching "What Not To Wear" and working on some ridiculous art project alone.
I didn't even swear until I started driving. Seriously, for 25 years I could remember every time I let a curse word slip and could count them on my fingers. Now I swear much more than necessary.
Anyways.
Lately in Canada there's been a lot of match.com commercials running and I am fascinated by them. They claim to show real first dates from the site. They are the typical nice restaurant first date. The people are dressed up. They hug or get a peck on the cheek when they first meet. They show some small talk. It all seems completely fake-o and surreal. One woman throws her head back and laughs at everything her date says, and her date seems really boring and unnatural.
I don't want to do that. I don't like restaurants. I don't like small talk. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know how to do this whole mating dance that doesn't seem to have much to do with who we really are as individuals.
I'm kinda feeling like I'm screwed. Too weird for mainstream, too normal for alternative groups, don't know the rules of the game and too scared to try.
As you can probably tell, I'm frustrated and negative right now. I want something to happen so badly but have no idea what to do next. And there's two pieces of advice that are always offered to the lovelorn- just live your life to make you happy and it will happen on its own, and go out and make something happen.
To relieve the sulk, I did some OK Cupid browsing. I made an account a few weeks ago after reading the New Yorker article previously posted. At least OKC cuts out all the guys who post pictures of themselves posing shirtless in the bathroom mirror and whose profiles are just random keyboard mashings. I haven't filled out my profile completely nor posted a picture. I recognized someone I used to work with. What's the etiquette for that?
I opened the account to be a looky-loo while I decide if I wanted to really invest time in it or not. Last night I tried answering more of the OK Cupid questions that are supposed to help you find your matches. I was really uncomfortable with some of the questions: "Do you have sex after date 1-2, 3-5, 6+, or after the wedding?" People have sex on the first date with people they met online? Waiting till the 6th date is apparently really prudish. Even on Big Bang Theory, Bernadette told Howard the third date meant sex.
These are not expectations I'm comfortable with.
One profile was a high match for me and I liked everything he had written until I reached the bottom and it said he was looking for short term dating and casual sex, with younger women. That's when I logged off.
It makes me feel like I'm a kid playing in the grown-up sandbox. (Does that even make sense? It's almost 1am...) Or possibly I was born 100 years too late, because my notions are considerably out-dated and old fashioned.
I don't drink, I don't go to clubs, and my typical Friday night is spent at home watching "What Not To Wear" and working on some ridiculous art project alone.
I didn't even swear until I started driving. Seriously, for 25 years I could remember every time I let a curse word slip and could count them on my fingers. Now I swear much more than necessary.
Anyways.
Lately in Canada there's been a lot of match.com commercials running and I am fascinated by them. They claim to show real first dates from the site. They are the typical nice restaurant first date. The people are dressed up. They hug or get a peck on the cheek when they first meet. They show some small talk. It all seems completely fake-o and surreal. One woman throws her head back and laughs at everything her date says, and her date seems really boring and unnatural.
I don't want to do that. I don't like restaurants. I don't like small talk. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know how to do this whole mating dance that doesn't seem to have much to do with who we really are as individuals.
I'm kinda feeling like I'm screwed. Too weird for mainstream, too normal for alternative groups, don't know the rules of the game and too scared to try.
As you can probably tell, I'm frustrated and negative right now. I want something to happen so badly but have no idea what to do next. And there's two pieces of advice that are always offered to the lovelorn- just live your life to make you happy and it will happen on its own, and go out and make something happen.
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Mixed Signals Misread
Oops.
So I got that one wrong.
Here's what happened after the festival with the geeky photographer:
Yesterday I found out they were showing one of my very favourite movies at an outdoor screening this week and I shared the event on Facebook. Photographer said he might go. I was a little excited that he liked this dorky movie. Later that day he emailed me photos he'd taken of the art display. I wrote back a quick thank you and asked how he enjoyed the festival.
This morning I got an email from him, a few paragraphs long, about the photos and the festival. It ended with him saying he and 'The Girl' had left early on the last night, and 'see you around'.
So there's a girl.
When I saw him at the festival he had said something about looking for a girl and pointed across the audience. I didn't hear him clearly.
"The girl?"
"No, not the girl, a girl."
[Blank look on my face.]
"I'm here with some people."
I was confused by that exchange but the conversation moved on.
Am I just hopeless at interpreting signals? Am I desperatately seeing things that aren't there? Then why is he talking to me?
Bah.
So I got that one wrong.
Here's what happened after the festival with the geeky photographer:
Yesterday I found out they were showing one of my very favourite movies at an outdoor screening this week and I shared the event on Facebook. Photographer said he might go. I was a little excited that he liked this dorky movie. Later that day he emailed me photos he'd taken of the art display. I wrote back a quick thank you and asked how he enjoyed the festival.
This morning I got an email from him, a few paragraphs long, about the photos and the festival. It ended with him saying he and 'The Girl' had left early on the last night, and 'see you around'.
So there's a girl.
When I saw him at the festival he had said something about looking for a girl and pointed across the audience. I didn't hear him clearly.
"The girl?"
"No, not the girl, a girl."
[Blank look on my face.]
"I'm here with some people."
I was confused by that exchange but the conversation moved on.
Am I just hopeless at interpreting signals? Am I desperatately seeing things that aren't there? Then why is he talking to me?
Bah.
Monday 18 July 2011
Picky or Panicked?
I spent a lovely but wet weekend at a music festival that I love and look forward to every year. I volunteer for the art crew that puts on a display. I often spend a good part of the weekend in crazy costumes as part of this. Last year a photographer at the festival really loved our display and took lots of photos and talked to us for a long time. I happened to be wearing a Princess Leia costume at the time. Weeks later I was searching through photos on flickr and came across a nice image of one of my art pieces. I wrote to the photographer for permission to use it and it turned out to be the same guy. Somewhere in this email exchange I must have shared a link to where I was using the photo because he looked at my online portfolio and praised it.
Sometime later he emailed me and said he just had nice prints made of the festival photos and would I like one? I offered to trade one of my postcards for it. I thought we would just mail them or do a drop-off thing but he wanted to meet at a bookstore (that I happen to love.)
So I agreed to that, and off I went. I didn't recognize him at first, and there was that awkward moment similar to the online dating first moment of 'Are you waiting for me?' We browsed the shelves for a while and talked. I got a bit shy I suppose. He walked with me to the bus stop. He talked about this movie he was just about to go see, and asked if I had seen it...I'm not sure but I think it was almost an invite to go with him.
I just went home. At the bus stop he said something about him being old and depending on young people like me to keep him up on what's hip. Okay, I don't think he used those words. Is the word 'hip' hip again or not? Anyways....
We added each other as flickr contacts so I do keep up with his photos. I saw him briefly at another art event but I was again in silly costume and he didn't recognize me.
A year later, I saw his name on a friend's facebook page and added him as a friend. I'm not sure what my motivation was. On the surface I just thought it was useful to know a talented photographer.
This weekend I saw him at the festival and he came and talked to me for a while. He said he was going to send me his number on facebook and I said ok. The rest of the festival I spent with my stomach in knots. I was always on the lookout for him, but the one time I did see him I didn't wave and he didn't see me in the crowd. I didn't even spot him the next day at all.
What does it mean- "I'll send you my phone number on facebook so we can chat"? He didn't do it yet, so perhaps I'm anxious over nothing...
I'm not even sure what I want to happen. I imagine he's 8 to 10 years older than me. I don't find him particularily attractive, but he's not ugly or repulsive in any way. He seems to be smart and as far as I can tell a nice person, if a little geeky.
It's not even so much about who he is as it is about me freaking out about considering the possibility of what I so rarely consider as a possibility. (Although it is interesting to see what 'league' I'm in...to use a vulgar expression.) I am absolutely panicked at the thought of doing the dating thing and having to decide how far I want it to go and how to tell him I'm not interested. Yes, I'm hypothetically breaking things off before I've even been asked out. But that's just part of dating and everybody does it and somehow people deal with the rejection and the rejecting and the world goes on.
Even more terrifying to me is the thought of someone kissing me, and then they would know that I don't know how to kiss because I've never done it before and then I'd have to tell them that was my first kiss and that I never dated and then I would be undesirable in their eyes because nobody else wanted me so they wouldn't either.
That moment is coming for me. At some point I will have to tell somebody I never kissed anybody. I dread that moment, and I dread not having that moment.
That pretty much sums it up. That's what I think about everyday and what makes me flighty on the rare occasions I do get some male interest. Bit of a catch-22. Maybe some 40-year old guy will relish having an untouched, malleable, and grateful younger girlfriend. Creepy!
The other part of the inner turmoil is 'Am I being too picky if I decide not to go out with this fellow?' Do I have to take what I can get at this point? Am I willing to use someone just so I can say I've kissed someone and feel somewhat normal? Or is it the opposite, that I'm shutting down a possible relationship because I'm scared? Should I give this person a chance if I have no really reason to reject them other than the age difference? It really feels awful to think you have no choice but to take any offer and be grateful.
I really can't imagine having a boyfriend. I can't imagine the type of man that would be interested in me and I him. A person who picks me over every other girl out there. I can't even imagine someone's head being close enough to mine to kiss, let alone all the stuff that comes after that. I can't imagine trusting someone that much.
So confused and tired right now.
Sometime later he emailed me and said he just had nice prints made of the festival photos and would I like one? I offered to trade one of my postcards for it. I thought we would just mail them or do a drop-off thing but he wanted to meet at a bookstore (that I happen to love.)
So I agreed to that, and off I went. I didn't recognize him at first, and there was that awkward moment similar to the online dating first moment of 'Are you waiting for me?' We browsed the shelves for a while and talked. I got a bit shy I suppose. He walked with me to the bus stop. He talked about this movie he was just about to go see, and asked if I had seen it...I'm not sure but I think it was almost an invite to go with him.
I just went home. At the bus stop he said something about him being old and depending on young people like me to keep him up on what's hip. Okay, I don't think he used those words. Is the word 'hip' hip again or not? Anyways....
We added each other as flickr contacts so I do keep up with his photos. I saw him briefly at another art event but I was again in silly costume and he didn't recognize me.
A year later, I saw his name on a friend's facebook page and added him as a friend. I'm not sure what my motivation was. On the surface I just thought it was useful to know a talented photographer.
This weekend I saw him at the festival and he came and talked to me for a while. He said he was going to send me his number on facebook and I said ok. The rest of the festival I spent with my stomach in knots. I was always on the lookout for him, but the one time I did see him I didn't wave and he didn't see me in the crowd. I didn't even spot him the next day at all.
What does it mean- "I'll send you my phone number on facebook so we can chat"? He didn't do it yet, so perhaps I'm anxious over nothing...
I'm not even sure what I want to happen. I imagine he's 8 to 10 years older than me. I don't find him particularily attractive, but he's not ugly or repulsive in any way. He seems to be smart and as far as I can tell a nice person, if a little geeky.
It's not even so much about who he is as it is about me freaking out about considering the possibility of what I so rarely consider as a possibility. (Although it is interesting to see what 'league' I'm in...to use a vulgar expression.) I am absolutely panicked at the thought of doing the dating thing and having to decide how far I want it to go and how to tell him I'm not interested. Yes, I'm hypothetically breaking things off before I've even been asked out. But that's just part of dating and everybody does it and somehow people deal with the rejection and the rejecting and the world goes on.
Even more terrifying to me is the thought of someone kissing me, and then they would know that I don't know how to kiss because I've never done it before and then I'd have to tell them that was my first kiss and that I never dated and then I would be undesirable in their eyes because nobody else wanted me so they wouldn't either.
That moment is coming for me. At some point I will have to tell somebody I never kissed anybody. I dread that moment, and I dread not having that moment.
That pretty much sums it up. That's what I think about everyday and what makes me flighty on the rare occasions I do get some male interest. Bit of a catch-22. Maybe some 40-year old guy will relish having an untouched, malleable, and grateful younger girlfriend. Creepy!
The other part of the inner turmoil is 'Am I being too picky if I decide not to go out with this fellow?' Do I have to take what I can get at this point? Am I willing to use someone just so I can say I've kissed someone and feel somewhat normal? Or is it the opposite, that I'm shutting down a possible relationship because I'm scared? Should I give this person a chance if I have no really reason to reject them other than the age difference? It really feels awful to think you have no choice but to take any offer and be grateful.
I really can't imagine having a boyfriend. I can't imagine the type of man that would be interested in me and I him. A person who picks me over every other girl out there. I can't even imagine someone's head being close enough to mine to kiss, let alone all the stuff that comes after that. I can't imagine trusting someone that much.
So confused and tired right now.
Saturday 9 July 2011
Tidbits
I'm down five pounds. Small cheer.
Lots to do and I'm a bit stressed.
Had to do a family dinner tonight, organized last minute by my mother since the aunts and uncles hadn't met my brother's new wife yet. (My brother was studying abroad, I hardly know her myself.)
There was some drama since I assumed it wasn't happening and started to make other plans....
We all went to a pizza place since our house is too messy to host a party. I felt overwhelmed when we walked in late to a table of a dozen relatives. I get shy. No matter, everyone wanted to hold the baby, not talk to me.
I might as well not exist at a family dinner, since I am not married or producing children nor am I likely to any time soon. Not that my relatives ever really knew what to say to me anyways. I have some jealousy of the baby. Not really, but a sort of a joke jealousy I can look at and laugh at, and probably is a little bit real jealousy in there somewhere. I mean, there's already been some art things I've been involved in that my family hasn't come to because it was overshadowed by something baby-related.
This is exaggerated. Even I can see that. Still, these things cross my mind.
My nine year old cousin tried to hit me up to buy her something at the corner store and when I declined she said 'Don't you get an allowance?'
Afterwards the relatives came back to the too-messy house for tea and cookies. My dog is obsessed with the baby and just goes nuts...He's got to be kept on leash, or in his cage. In fact, I spent the first 15 minutes sitting in his cage with him, petting him, and trying to keep him quiet so the people in the other room can visit. I took my dog out for a short walk as well. I spent the rest of the evening holding on to his leash and trying to keep him quiet and wishing all the people would leave since I was having no fun and I wanted to watch my movie. The image of me and the dog sitting in a cage while everyone else visits in another room pretty much sums up my role in family gatherings.
I've got 'I Know Where I'm Going' out from the library. 1945, Powell and Pressburger film about a young woman marrying for money who gets stranded on a Scottish Isle by bad weather and finds true love. So very obsessed with it. Only one kiss, but it's a good one. Her handsome naval officer is played by Roger Livesey, who seems to be spoken of as a truly nice fellow who was happily married to one woman his whole life. He's not all that handsome, but I quite like him, and I like all the Scottish folklore and dancing.
Lots to do and I'm a bit stressed.
Had to do a family dinner tonight, organized last minute by my mother since the aunts and uncles hadn't met my brother's new wife yet. (My brother was studying abroad, I hardly know her myself.)
There was some drama since I assumed it wasn't happening and started to make other plans....
We all went to a pizza place since our house is too messy to host a party. I felt overwhelmed when we walked in late to a table of a dozen relatives. I get shy. No matter, everyone wanted to hold the baby, not talk to me.
I might as well not exist at a family dinner, since I am not married or producing children nor am I likely to any time soon. Not that my relatives ever really knew what to say to me anyways. I have some jealousy of the baby. Not really, but a sort of a joke jealousy I can look at and laugh at, and probably is a little bit real jealousy in there somewhere. I mean, there's already been some art things I've been involved in that my family hasn't come to because it was overshadowed by something baby-related.
This is exaggerated. Even I can see that. Still, these things cross my mind.
My nine year old cousin tried to hit me up to buy her something at the corner store and when I declined she said 'Don't you get an allowance?'
Afterwards the relatives came back to the too-messy house for tea and cookies. My dog is obsessed with the baby and just goes nuts...He's got to be kept on leash, or in his cage. In fact, I spent the first 15 minutes sitting in his cage with him, petting him, and trying to keep him quiet so the people in the other room can visit. I took my dog out for a short walk as well. I spent the rest of the evening holding on to his leash and trying to keep him quiet and wishing all the people would leave since I was having no fun and I wanted to watch my movie. The image of me and the dog sitting in a cage while everyone else visits in another room pretty much sums up my role in family gatherings.
I've got 'I Know Where I'm Going' out from the library. 1945, Powell and Pressburger film about a young woman marrying for money who gets stranded on a Scottish Isle by bad weather and finds true love. So very obsessed with it. Only one kiss, but it's a good one. Her handsome naval officer is played by Roger Livesey, who seems to be spoken of as a truly nice fellow who was happily married to one woman his whole life. He's not all that handsome, but I quite like him, and I like all the Scottish folklore and dancing.
Thursday 7 July 2011
Self-Help and Transformations
At 6 o'clock I was planning to post something really positive....At 10 it's turned a little more cynical.
I had a good day today. I've almost stopped coughing, for one thing, I finished my sewing yay! and I got to go make some art at a camp for sick kids, which was pretty fun.
It was a long drive out and I had a chance to chat with this woman I just started working with, Amy.
She has a lovely manner, and greets everyone with real warmth. I am already watching her to see if I can mimic even a small percentage of that energy.
On the drive out we talked about life in the arts. On the way back, we talked about more personal things...I talked a bit about my family...did I say too much? Ack. She's quite open about her life and told me about a few hard times she's been through, in a rather matter-of-fact way. As positive and friendly a person as she appears, she said she suspected she is currently mildly depressed. Huh.
She spoke about a 'personal growth course' she took that led her to creating a community project.
I showed her a book I was reading, 'Community' by Peter Block. I'm only on Chapter Two, but I'm really excited that I found something I'm passionate about (building community, although my definition is still a bit hazy.) Amy looked at the book jacket and noticed one of the endorsements was from Landmark Education. "That's the course I took!" I said I'd look it up. She said, "Yeah, just be prepared that some people call it a cult." She explained that she resisted taking the course for years even though a friend recommended it, because she didn't approve of the marketing and style of delivery, but that she had a positive experience from it and so did everyone else she knew who had taken it.
So I went home and looked it up, and yeah some people really hate it. You spend three long days in a room with 150 people sharing your life problems and getting questioned until you have a breakthrough and realize it was all your fault. Then your homework is to call someone and apologize, and to invite your friends to come to next week's session.
There are a series of articles by journalists who take the course, are skeptical, have some small epiphanies but remain critical of some of the methods used.
I just spent an hour reading about this stuff.
People love the idea of transformations. If I thought a three day course was a magic bullet, I'd probably sign up in a heartbeat.
The basic lessons of the Landmark forum seem to be the same as most self-help stuff- think positively, live in the moment not the past, get over fear, practice forgiveness and self-reflection. Amy said there's a lot of Buddhism in the mix, and maybe some philosophy and pyschology.
I don't think I'll take the class. It has got me thinking about the phonecalls I would assigned for homework- the broken relationships in my life. My dad. A few friends, one in particular. Maybe my sister.
Can they be repaired, or is there a reason those people aren't key to my life?
And the most tantalizing possibility of a complete transformation simply by declaring it to be so and living in a new way. (Landmark teaches that modifying behavior from the past in a long slow process of change doesn't work. I think I disagree. Apparently some people who take the course get very caught up in feelings of euphoria and then crash and burn later.)
Now the 'Community' book is tainted by this endorsement from the Landmark guy, and by the fact that the author draws slightly on the teachings of Werner Erhard (his est workshops are the foundation of the Landmark teachings, and he's a controversial figure).
Sigh.
I had a good day today. I've almost stopped coughing, for one thing, I finished my sewing yay! and I got to go make some art at a camp for sick kids, which was pretty fun.
It was a long drive out and I had a chance to chat with this woman I just started working with, Amy.
She has a lovely manner, and greets everyone with real warmth. I am already watching her to see if I can mimic even a small percentage of that energy.
On the drive out we talked about life in the arts. On the way back, we talked about more personal things...I talked a bit about my family...did I say too much? Ack. She's quite open about her life and told me about a few hard times she's been through, in a rather matter-of-fact way. As positive and friendly a person as she appears, she said she suspected she is currently mildly depressed. Huh.
She spoke about a 'personal growth course' she took that led her to creating a community project.
I showed her a book I was reading, 'Community' by Peter Block. I'm only on Chapter Two, but I'm really excited that I found something I'm passionate about (building community, although my definition is still a bit hazy.) Amy looked at the book jacket and noticed one of the endorsements was from Landmark Education. "That's the course I took!" I said I'd look it up. She said, "Yeah, just be prepared that some people call it a cult." She explained that she resisted taking the course for years even though a friend recommended it, because she didn't approve of the marketing and style of delivery, but that she had a positive experience from it and so did everyone else she knew who had taken it.
So I went home and looked it up, and yeah some people really hate it. You spend three long days in a room with 150 people sharing your life problems and getting questioned until you have a breakthrough and realize it was all your fault. Then your homework is to call someone and apologize, and to invite your friends to come to next week's session.
There are a series of articles by journalists who take the course, are skeptical, have some small epiphanies but remain critical of some of the methods used.
I just spent an hour reading about this stuff.
People love the idea of transformations. If I thought a three day course was a magic bullet, I'd probably sign up in a heartbeat.
The basic lessons of the Landmark forum seem to be the same as most self-help stuff- think positively, live in the moment not the past, get over fear, practice forgiveness and self-reflection. Amy said there's a lot of Buddhism in the mix, and maybe some philosophy and pyschology.
I don't think I'll take the class. It has got me thinking about the phonecalls I would assigned for homework- the broken relationships in my life. My dad. A few friends, one in particular. Maybe my sister.
Can they be repaired, or is there a reason those people aren't key to my life?
And the most tantalizing possibility of a complete transformation simply by declaring it to be so and living in a new way. (Landmark teaches that modifying behavior from the past in a long slow process of change doesn't work. I think I disagree. Apparently some people who take the course get very caught up in feelings of euphoria and then crash and burn later.)
Now the 'Community' book is tainted by this endorsement from the Landmark guy, and by the fact that the author draws slightly on the teachings of Werner Erhard (his est workshops are the foundation of the Landmark teachings, and he's a controversial figure).
Sigh.
Wednesday 6 July 2011
Un-touched
Since I have been sick for a week, I have been feeling a bit shunned by all. Sick people are germy and should be avoided.
(I am much better, but still coughing dramatically.)
I'm so tired. I've been go-go-go all summer, doing a bunch of smaller gigs. Today I am feeling that I am perhaps getting ripped off or giving more than I should. I'm an artist, and if I get more than $20 bucks an hour I get excited, but that's really peanuts, considering I've been a working artist for 8 years (theoretically.)
I'm trying to work with this arts organization that has a noble mandate, but is really hard to work for. Several people I know have been burned. Had a long chat with someone who was telling me to protect myself and maybe even to back out of some teaching gigs I said I'd do for them....
Anyways, that's not the topic of this blog, but trying to make a living as an artist is tough. Probably plays a big part in why other things aren't happening in my life as well. So there, completely relevant.
But back to the point. Touch.
I heard a few weeks ago, someone dropped an interesting little factoid into conversation: ideally you should be touched 30 times a day. Of course I have no source to back this up. Also I'm assuming she meant touched in a welcome, positive manner, not being groped or punched or anything. (Yes, quality of writing in this blog is held to high standards at eleven o'clock at night.) And not necessarily touched in a sexual way- but a handshake, a high fives, a pat on the back, a hug. There are lots of people out there not making any kind of physical contact with other people for long stretches of time. It's pretty sad.
Needless to say, this has been a particularly barren week for me. *Cough Cough Sneeze*
When I'm walking by myself, sometimes my hand folds around an imaginary boyfriend's hand.
When I'm watching a movie, I wish I had my head on someone's shoulder.
I want more than anything to try 'spooning.'
It's a weird frustrating feeling. Who knew a hand could crave another hand so desperately? There's not really a substitute for the touch of another person.
(Although having a pet around is supposed to help I believe.)
No wonder they had to invent these:
http://www.popsci.com/technology/article/2011-06/video-japanese-sense-roid-robot-torso-hugs-you-back
PS: After watching the video, those are weirder than I thought they were going to be!
(I am much better, but still coughing dramatically.)
I'm so tired. I've been go-go-go all summer, doing a bunch of smaller gigs. Today I am feeling that I am perhaps getting ripped off or giving more than I should. I'm an artist, and if I get more than $20 bucks an hour I get excited, but that's really peanuts, considering I've been a working artist for 8 years (theoretically.)
I'm trying to work with this arts organization that has a noble mandate, but is really hard to work for. Several people I know have been burned. Had a long chat with someone who was telling me to protect myself and maybe even to back out of some teaching gigs I said I'd do for them....
Anyways, that's not the topic of this blog, but trying to make a living as an artist is tough. Probably plays a big part in why other things aren't happening in my life as well. So there, completely relevant.
But back to the point. Touch.
I heard a few weeks ago, someone dropped an interesting little factoid into conversation: ideally you should be touched 30 times a day. Of course I have no source to back this up. Also I'm assuming she meant touched in a welcome, positive manner, not being groped or punched or anything. (Yes, quality of writing in this blog is held to high standards at eleven o'clock at night.) And not necessarily touched in a sexual way- but a handshake, a high fives, a pat on the back, a hug. There are lots of people out there not making any kind of physical contact with other people for long stretches of time. It's pretty sad.
Needless to say, this has been a particularly barren week for me. *Cough Cough Sneeze*
When I'm walking by myself, sometimes my hand folds around an imaginary boyfriend's hand.
When I'm watching a movie, I wish I had my head on someone's shoulder.
I want more than anything to try 'spooning.'
It's a weird frustrating feeling. Who knew a hand could crave another hand so desperately? There's not really a substitute for the touch of another person.
(Although having a pet around is supposed to help I believe.)
No wonder they had to invent these:
http://www.popsci.com/technology/article/2011-06/video-japanese-sense-roid-robot-torso-hugs-you-back
PS: After watching the video, those are weirder than I thought they were going to be!
Monday 4 July 2011
Living With Mom
I've got bronchitis or something and am miserable. I haven't left the house in three days which usually makes me broody (Is that the right word? I just looked it up- it means oppressive, contemplative, and wanting to hatch eggs or have a baby. I'm leaving it.)
I'm also doing a lot of sewing and I have a deadline, so that's not helping, as it is repetitive, labour intensive and frustrating.
My brother came over tonight and the conversation touched on a lot of 'issues' in my life. I think throughout the visit I was at times negative or withdrawn. I could probably write two or three posts about the topic of 'negativity'.... It's one of those vicious cycle thingies: feel down, say negative things, damage relationships, feel worse....I just want a hug and a good cry and I've got nobody to talk to except whoever is reading this anonymous online blog.
Alright, that's enough of a lead-up.
Since my brother and his girlfriend are expecting, there was naturally discussion about babies. He said they were planning to have another one at some point. (It is totally weird to see my brother all domestic, and wearing nice office clothes too. Gah, everyone gets so boring.) My mother said he could have more, since I wasn't going to have any. Then she told the story she always tells about David Suzuki (Canadian environmentalist) being criticized for having 5 children when the earth is overpopulated, and his reply being that smart people better have children because stupid people sure as hell are going to.
Later, my mother said if she won the lottery, she and I could move to a certain neighbourhood we like. I rather hope I won't be living with her beyond next year, lottery or no lottery. Maybe some of my siblings and their progeny would take up the offer.
I should also explain that, at the moment at least, I am very worried about the environment and consumerism and want to give up all my worldly possessions except for my computer, books and art supplies (so in essence, nothing.) I think winning the lottery is gross.
Anyways, 'stuff' seemed to be the theme of the evening. I think we started talking about my sister's cats, which is a whole 'nother rant, and about all the stuff in the basement. Mom and I share a 2000 square foot house and use about half of it, now that my sister's moved out. We never really moved in, still have boxes and boxes. My mom is perhaps a borderline hoarder...she's said things like 'organization is just an excuse to sell you rubbermaid totes and baskets' and 'if I want to keep stuff in a box and look at it every five years, well that's up to me.' She's also taken the complete opposite viewpoint and calculated how much of the value of the house is being used to store junk.
I don't know if she was always this way, but for the past ten years, it's been an issue we tiptoe around. I'm always accused of throwing out her stuff when she's not around. I actually rarely rarely do that- it's always been a house rule that you don't touch other people's stuff. But just from the way she talks about my role to her friends, it's almost like she wants me to get rid of stuff for her because she knows she can't.
I once tried to give away an old Fisher Price airport playset and she would't let me. I got angry and said she could find a place to keep it and left it in the hallway. (I should explain it was a large object and we had decided to keep the matching house, farm and garage playsets. At that time there were no young children in the family) That airport toy stayed in the hallway for a year and a half.
It's very stressful to me to try and organize things so that I can live my life, and so we won't get drowned, and guessing how much change she can handle. We've lived in this house four years and she hasn't painted anything, changed the curtains, bought new furniture, even hung a single painting to make it her own. She's done this for years. It took her five years to buy a new couch.
My dad and my mom divorced a few years ago. My dad just up and left one Saturday. I was at work and my sister was away camping. (My brother was studying abroad.) I came home and had to deal with my mom by myself. On Sunday I left her alone for a while and she told me she had blacked out. My sister and I had to take shifts for two weeks keeping an eye on her. My dad had been planning it for a while. I think he had a girlfriend, actually. I didn't speak to him for a year. My mom went to counselling. I remember she came home just furious one day because the therapist had told her she was making herself a victim. Mom did have enough energy to get a lawyer and fight for Dad's money, which I supported. Eventually she quit her horrible horrible job that we'd all been telling her to quit for years and for several years she just did nothing. She joined some clubs, dated a bunch of men that all seemed to be named David, and bought a new house. That seemed to take up all of her energy. All the junk from the old house got moved with us.
Now she's gone back to school, and is almost done a second bachelors degree. (She's in sciences, and needed to update.) She's thinking about doing a masters. She's still dawdling, although I know she works hard in school and as hard as it is to believe, is organized and efficient. Apparently that's how she was at work too. It's just household stuff she has no interest in. She has an active social life, but when she's not doing those things, she just gets so passive. She spends a lot of time reading murder mysteries (always set in medieval times, who knew there were so many), doing crosswords, and playing computer solitaire on the easiest settings. She spoils my dog, and doesn't see how fat he's getting. She's on delayed reaction to emergencies...
There's so much work to be done in the house that I'm overwhelmed. She found a leak under the kitchen sink and didn't even tell me for days. It turned out to be the dishwasher, and it still hasn't been fixed.
I worry about her. She's lost so much weight. Sometimes she eats nothing but crackers and cheese. To the outside world, I think she seems a lot more put together....
I feel like my brother and sister are both starting new families and have their own problems, and I'll be left looking after mom. All the stuff in the house seems to be symbolic- my dad, brother and sister all started new lives and dumped a pile of crap (and two cats) in mom's basement. My mother has never lived alone her whole life....How will she do on her own? And who's going to keep the dog? I just want to get the house in order so I can leave with a clear conscience.
I've probaby made myself out to be this dutiful daughter, but I'm always leaning on Mom for help. I clean, but I don't usually grocery shop, and seldom cook. I don't pay rent and lately I've been using her car more than she does. I've been so sick lately, and able to do less and less....
Argh.
I'm also doing a lot of sewing and I have a deadline, so that's not helping, as it is repetitive, labour intensive and frustrating.
My brother came over tonight and the conversation touched on a lot of 'issues' in my life. I think throughout the visit I was at times negative or withdrawn. I could probably write two or three posts about the topic of 'negativity'.... It's one of those vicious cycle thingies: feel down, say negative things, damage relationships, feel worse....I just want a hug and a good cry and I've got nobody to talk to except whoever is reading this anonymous online blog.
Alright, that's enough of a lead-up.
Since my brother and his girlfriend are expecting, there was naturally discussion about babies. He said they were planning to have another one at some point. (It is totally weird to see my brother all domestic, and wearing nice office clothes too. Gah, everyone gets so boring.) My mother said he could have more, since I wasn't going to have any. Then she told the story she always tells about David Suzuki (Canadian environmentalist) being criticized for having 5 children when the earth is overpopulated, and his reply being that smart people better have children because stupid people sure as hell are going to.
Later, my mother said if she won the lottery, she and I could move to a certain neighbourhood we like. I rather hope I won't be living with her beyond next year, lottery or no lottery. Maybe some of my siblings and their progeny would take up the offer.
I should also explain that, at the moment at least, I am very worried about the environment and consumerism and want to give up all my worldly possessions except for my computer, books and art supplies (so in essence, nothing.) I think winning the lottery is gross.
Anyways, 'stuff' seemed to be the theme of the evening. I think we started talking about my sister's cats, which is a whole 'nother rant, and about all the stuff in the basement. Mom and I share a 2000 square foot house and use about half of it, now that my sister's moved out. We never really moved in, still have boxes and boxes. My mom is perhaps a borderline hoarder...she's said things like 'organization is just an excuse to sell you rubbermaid totes and baskets' and 'if I want to keep stuff in a box and look at it every five years, well that's up to me.' She's also taken the complete opposite viewpoint and calculated how much of the value of the house is being used to store junk.
I don't know if she was always this way, but for the past ten years, it's been an issue we tiptoe around. I'm always accused of throwing out her stuff when she's not around. I actually rarely rarely do that- it's always been a house rule that you don't touch other people's stuff. But just from the way she talks about my role to her friends, it's almost like she wants me to get rid of stuff for her because she knows she can't.
I once tried to give away an old Fisher Price airport playset and she would't let me. I got angry and said she could find a place to keep it and left it in the hallway. (I should explain it was a large object and we had decided to keep the matching house, farm and garage playsets. At that time there were no young children in the family) That airport toy stayed in the hallway for a year and a half.
It's very stressful to me to try and organize things so that I can live my life, and so we won't get drowned, and guessing how much change she can handle. We've lived in this house four years and she hasn't painted anything, changed the curtains, bought new furniture, even hung a single painting to make it her own. She's done this for years. It took her five years to buy a new couch.
My dad and my mom divorced a few years ago. My dad just up and left one Saturday. I was at work and my sister was away camping. (My brother was studying abroad.) I came home and had to deal with my mom by myself. On Sunday I left her alone for a while and she told me she had blacked out. My sister and I had to take shifts for two weeks keeping an eye on her. My dad had been planning it for a while. I think he had a girlfriend, actually. I didn't speak to him for a year. My mom went to counselling. I remember she came home just furious one day because the therapist had told her she was making herself a victim. Mom did have enough energy to get a lawyer and fight for Dad's money, which I supported. Eventually she quit her horrible horrible job that we'd all been telling her to quit for years and for several years she just did nothing. She joined some clubs, dated a bunch of men that all seemed to be named David, and bought a new house. That seemed to take up all of her energy. All the junk from the old house got moved with us.
Now she's gone back to school, and is almost done a second bachelors degree. (She's in sciences, and needed to update.) She's thinking about doing a masters. She's still dawdling, although I know she works hard in school and as hard as it is to believe, is organized and efficient. Apparently that's how she was at work too. It's just household stuff she has no interest in. She has an active social life, but when she's not doing those things, she just gets so passive. She spends a lot of time reading murder mysteries (always set in medieval times, who knew there were so many), doing crosswords, and playing computer solitaire on the easiest settings. She spoils my dog, and doesn't see how fat he's getting. She's on delayed reaction to emergencies...
There's so much work to be done in the house that I'm overwhelmed. She found a leak under the kitchen sink and didn't even tell me for days. It turned out to be the dishwasher, and it still hasn't been fixed.
I worry about her. She's lost so much weight. Sometimes she eats nothing but crackers and cheese. To the outside world, I think she seems a lot more put together....
I feel like my brother and sister are both starting new families and have their own problems, and I'll be left looking after mom. All the stuff in the house seems to be symbolic- my dad, brother and sister all started new lives and dumped a pile of crap (and two cats) in mom's basement. My mother has never lived alone her whole life....How will she do on her own? And who's going to keep the dog? I just want to get the house in order so I can leave with a clear conscience.
I've probaby made myself out to be this dutiful daughter, but I'm always leaning on Mom for help. I clean, but I don't usually grocery shop, and seldom cook. I don't pay rent and lately I've been using her car more than she does. I've been so sick lately, and able to do less and less....
Argh.
Sunday 3 July 2011
Girl Without a Past
So here, in a nutshell, is my romantic history thus far.
(My face feels flushed just thinking about it.)
I crushed on maybe a dozen boys in high school but I thought if you liked someone you should dream about them all the time and never ever tell them. You didn't even have to talk to them. You just admired from afar. (Although in grade eight I did manage to finagle my way into sharing a locker with my crush.)
I don't know if I wasn't ready to date but romance stayed in the realm of fantasy for me and I didn't seem worried about it.
After high school I went straight to art school and it was such a different world for me that for four years I was caught up in this creative whirlwhind and all other areas of my life were ignored. I didn't even think about romance, didn't 'like' anybody until the summer before fourth year. I had a summer job and a guy I had liked in high school took the same bus as me in the mornings. We went to lunch once and I didn't have any money. We hung out a little bit, went to a special film screening and he met all my art school friends. I expressed some disapproval at someone smoking pot before the show and he was surprised. After that I think I phoned him twice and he didn't return my call.
Then there was another long spell where I was busy trying to get started as an artist and I really had other things on my mind. At that point being single was how I was used to existing.
When I was twenty-five I started to freak out a bit. It's going to take another post or two to explain all the drama that was going on at that time, but the short version is that I quit everything that I was doing and took a crappy retail job while I figured stuff out.
A guy at work starting joking around with me and I found myself keeping an eye out for him. He asked me if I'd seen this obscure movie, which wasn't one I thought I'd like, but I agreed to go to his house and watch it with him and his friends....then later it turned out that wasn't the plan at all and we went to dinner. He just seemed to think I was great and I felt so good, one of the best feelings of my life. "I like you" were maybe not the three little words most people dream of hearing but I was over the moon. I was skitttish though, and at the end of the date I hugged him and skidaddled. Later I felt bad and invited him to this art opening I was involved in. The more he talked, the more doubt I felt. He smoked, he was nine years older than me, he was reading some book about aliens building the pyramids...On the way home he was like 'let's run away together' and I was like 'this is my stop, goodnight.' There was a few months of joking around at work, a few phone calls and emails but he really backed off. I don't know why I kept pursuing it. I guess I just wanted to feel that way again. Later I was insistent that we should be friends. (I worked there for a year and a bit.) I should explain more. This is embarassing to recall.
He....sometimes cross-dressed. At first I was shocked, but everyone at work was used to it and I accepted it. But facebook has been the means of many an undoing, and he kept posting stupid conspiracy theories and I would argue them with him. He's a loser, basically, in so many ways, but I could also see a lot of good qualities in him. His story makes me sad. He's a smart guy who has this urge to express himself in a way that wasn't socially acceptable and was stuck in this really stupid job that was a waste of his talents. Anyways, I learned a lot, painful as the experience was. I'm grateful to him in many ways.
Since then, I have tried internet dating briefly. On a dare from a friend, I signed up for Plenty of Fish. I met two people, one I didn't like and one I did who said he'd phone me and didn't. I'm sure everybody's got weird online dating stories. I was surprised that people who seemed so clearly wrong for me were messaging me. I guess some men have a strategy of asking everyone, cause somebody's going to say yes eventually. When a friend of mine died, I cancelled the account.
I worry that I haven't 'liked' anyone for years, that I never see anyone I'm even remotely interested in. I play this game on the bus- if you had to date someone on this vehicle, who would you pick? I've discovered mostly females ride the bus in my city.
(My face feels flushed just thinking about it.)
I crushed on maybe a dozen boys in high school but I thought if you liked someone you should dream about them all the time and never ever tell them. You didn't even have to talk to them. You just admired from afar. (Although in grade eight I did manage to finagle my way into sharing a locker with my crush.)
I don't know if I wasn't ready to date but romance stayed in the realm of fantasy for me and I didn't seem worried about it.
After high school I went straight to art school and it was such a different world for me that for four years I was caught up in this creative whirlwhind and all other areas of my life were ignored. I didn't even think about romance, didn't 'like' anybody until the summer before fourth year. I had a summer job and a guy I had liked in high school took the same bus as me in the mornings. We went to lunch once and I didn't have any money. We hung out a little bit, went to a special film screening and he met all my art school friends. I expressed some disapproval at someone smoking pot before the show and he was surprised. After that I think I phoned him twice and he didn't return my call.
Then there was another long spell where I was busy trying to get started as an artist and I really had other things on my mind. At that point being single was how I was used to existing.
When I was twenty-five I started to freak out a bit. It's going to take another post or two to explain all the drama that was going on at that time, but the short version is that I quit everything that I was doing and took a crappy retail job while I figured stuff out.
A guy at work starting joking around with me and I found myself keeping an eye out for him. He asked me if I'd seen this obscure movie, which wasn't one I thought I'd like, but I agreed to go to his house and watch it with him and his friends....then later it turned out that wasn't the plan at all and we went to dinner. He just seemed to think I was great and I felt so good, one of the best feelings of my life. "I like you" were maybe not the three little words most people dream of hearing but I was over the moon. I was skitttish though, and at the end of the date I hugged him and skidaddled. Later I felt bad and invited him to this art opening I was involved in. The more he talked, the more doubt I felt. He smoked, he was nine years older than me, he was reading some book about aliens building the pyramids...On the way home he was like 'let's run away together' and I was like 'this is my stop, goodnight.' There was a few months of joking around at work, a few phone calls and emails but he really backed off. I don't know why I kept pursuing it. I guess I just wanted to feel that way again. Later I was insistent that we should be friends. (I worked there for a year and a bit.) I should explain more. This is embarassing to recall.
He....sometimes cross-dressed. At first I was shocked, but everyone at work was used to it and I accepted it. But facebook has been the means of many an undoing, and he kept posting stupid conspiracy theories and I would argue them with him. He's a loser, basically, in so many ways, but I could also see a lot of good qualities in him. His story makes me sad. He's a smart guy who has this urge to express himself in a way that wasn't socially acceptable and was stuck in this really stupid job that was a waste of his talents. Anyways, I learned a lot, painful as the experience was. I'm grateful to him in many ways.
Since then, I have tried internet dating briefly. On a dare from a friend, I signed up for Plenty of Fish. I met two people, one I didn't like and one I did who said he'd phone me and didn't. I'm sure everybody's got weird online dating stories. I was surprised that people who seemed so clearly wrong for me were messaging me. I guess some men have a strategy of asking everyone, cause somebody's going to say yes eventually. When a friend of mine died, I cancelled the account.
I worry that I haven't 'liked' anyone for years, that I never see anyone I'm even remotely interested in. I play this game on the bus- if you had to date someone on this vehicle, who would you pick? I've discovered mostly females ride the bus in my city.
Saturday 2 July 2011
I'm sure it's a perfectly healthy obsession
Everybody seemed to really enjoy 'The Big Bang Theory' when it first came out so I tried watching it. I had forgotten how stylized sitcoms are; I couldn't stand the laugh track. It just didn't seem that funny to me.
A few weeks ago I was hanging out with my sister and her baby. She watches tv all day long. We watched the episode where Leonard asks Penny out, Sheldon tells them about Schroedinger's cat, and Leonard kisses Penny before they leave on their date.
I am hooked.
I went home and tried to find more episodes online, but living in Canada, CBS blocked them for my region.
I resorted to watching Youtube clips. I watched all the kissing scenes. I watched the Schroedinger's cat kiss over and over. It makes my stomach flip-flop.
Um yes. All perfectly healthy behavior I'm sure.
A few weeks ago I was hanging out with my sister and her baby. She watches tv all day long. We watched the episode where Leonard asks Penny out, Sheldon tells them about Schroedinger's cat, and Leonard kisses Penny before they leave on their date.
I am hooked.
I went home and tried to find more episodes online, but living in Canada, CBS blocked them for my region.
I resorted to watching Youtube clips. I watched all the kissing scenes. I watched the Schroedinger's cat kiss over and over. It makes my stomach flip-flop.
Um yes. All perfectly healthy behavior I'm sure.
Friday 1 July 2011
Siblings
I'm the oldest of three; I have a sister and a brother. My sister is married and has a seven week old baby boy. My brother got his girlfriend pregnant and she is due in a month. They said they weren't going to get married and three weeks ago they snuck off and had a civil ceremony. (Family was not invited.) I was more surprised than anything.
My father also remarried a year and a half ago. That means family dinners are comprised of three sets of newlyweds and me. Newlyweds are always touching each other.
When my brother announced their pregnancy, my grandmother went a little bit into grandma-overdrive and actually opened a telephone conversation with 'Are there any more little secrets I should know?' Yes, Grandma, my siblings are both reproducing so I decided to join the party and got myself knocked up.
I don't know what's worse- when my family talks about me being pregnant one day, or how until baby fever set in, there was a conspicous silence on the topic of my love life, or even the possibility of such.
My family speaks affectionately of me as sort of an adult-child who will require supervision for the rest of my life. It does wonders for my self-image.
My father also remarried a year and a half ago. That means family dinners are comprised of three sets of newlyweds and me. Newlyweds are always touching each other.
When my brother announced their pregnancy, my grandmother went a little bit into grandma-overdrive and actually opened a telephone conversation with 'Are there any more little secrets I should know?' Yes, Grandma, my siblings are both reproducing so I decided to join the party and got myself knocked up.
I don't know what's worse- when my family talks about me being pregnant one day, or how until baby fever set in, there was a conspicous silence on the topic of my love life, or even the possibility of such.
My family speaks affectionately of me as sort of an adult-child who will require supervision for the rest of my life. It does wonders for my self-image.
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