Tuesday, 20 September 2016

late night talks

Hey, this post goes into some detailed sex stuff.  You've been warned!


I've stayed over at Silver Fox's twice (at least) since the last blog post.  We are learning how to do sex together.  My body can be coaxed into cooperating, if we're patient.  He's having some trouble with his equipment.  So we take breaks, and cuddle, and it's probably actually perfect for my problem, because my body can decide it actually does want to participate.

He's having anxiety because he had the problem in the past and his ex was cruel about it.  She sounds like a cow.  I wish he hadn't gone back to her because we could have found each other much earlier!
He said he knows I'm different but thinking about the bad memories or just focusing too much on the problem makes the anxiety worse.

Despite these problems, we're having a good time.  I'm just not sure how to be helpful except to not be upset about it.

His ex once kicked him out of bed because of it.  Wow.

Last night it was particularly troublesome although eventually we briefly got both bodies in sync but the success was short lived.  I don't really understand what happened but he said he had to stop.
We just talked instead.  He seems to be able to talk openly about sex whereas I still have walls around the subject.  He told me he had a sexy dream about me and I didn't know how to take it. (blush)

I said I was very happy we were each other's second partner.

He said, "I feel like we are sort of kindred spirits even though we're very different.  Do you feel that?"

And I was so happy.  I do feel like there's nothing on the surface to make this work, and yet we connected so quickly.  I couldn't believe I'd found another late bloomer, purely by accident. I don't think he means just the sex thing but I can't name what it is we have in common.

From what I can work out, I think he only had sex about a year ago, and it was fraught with problems.  We talked about what it was like to not be in relationships.  He talked of some embarrassment, and feeling something was missing, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as it was to me.  Being a virgin became part of my identity, even though it was secret.

And we talked about exes.  I told him the whole Nerdboy saga, a condensed version anyways.  He said 'that guy sounds like a piece of work'.  Which I guess is true.  I can't get perspective on it yet.
And Silver Fox said a little bit more about his unhealthy relationship with the Cow.

So finally someone stayed up late and bared souls with me.  It was a little painful and a lot wonderful.

I really like him but I can see stuff about him I don't like.  Am I supposed to be in a love-struck blindness to his faults?  I hope not.  I am a little freaked out by how easy this has been so far.  I kinda think it could work....

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Sleepover NSFW

So last Sunday night I stayed over at his house.  I ran out the door telling my mother in a gulp 'Ok I'mgoingtoSilverFox's tonight andI'mstayingover, bye!'
It took an hour and a half on the bus to get to his place.
I made pizza for us.  Have I mentioned that he eats mostly (nutritional supplement)?  It drives me nuts.  He has almost no groceries on hand so I brought everything.
Then we watched a movie on his laptop, cuddling on the couch.  I was feeling gassy (oh so sexy) and wanted to take off my jeans and belt, so I changed into some pjs.  He suggested we move to the bed upstairs.  He got naked.  I stayed clothed but cuddled up.  We did finish watching the movie in bed but then we were all over each other.

I blush like a schoolgirl talking about sex in 'normal life' but in bed I have learned to be pretty open.
We used the vibrator on me and that got my stupid cranky old muscles down there to relax.  I said something about 'it' being difficult and he said 'I have funny genitalia too.'  Which made me laugh so hard.  Good thing he saw the absurdity too.  We high-fived.
He got on top of me.  We achieved penetration but uh...he doesn't thrust.  He flexed it.  Maybe he thought he was thrusting?  I don't know but it didn't do anything for me.

I went on top.  He made the most amazing faces of pleasure.  But then he winced and said he was freaked out about his penis getting bent.  I got off and he told me about how erections work and that penises can be broken.  He said his ex did stuff that bent him.  He seemed to know it was an irrational fear but sheesh, this is going to be hard to work with.

This sort of killed the mood but we just cuddled.  We seem to like just looking into each other's faces.  In fact, he said 'I just like looking at you.'  I like his eyes.  And he wanted to go again and we tried a new position (for him) that was a success.  But again, not so much on the thrusting.  Pick a rhythm already!

So it was a lot of fun but not the skill level I'm used to.  And I feel like our exes came to bed with us but hopefully we can forget about them and learn together what works for us.

In the morning we did play around again but I guess he wasn't able to go again?  I didn't really understand why it didn't happen and didn't ask, but we cuddled and caressed for a long time and I was purring like a cat.  So a pretty ok substitute.

We were supposed to meet up with his best friend at lunch but he cut himself shaving in the morning and almost cancelled because he was self-conscious about the big gash on his face.  How can insecurity be so self-important?  No one is going to notice because they are all the centre of their own universes.  Anyways, he was persuaded into going and I meet his friend and her two little girls.

He met this friend age 14 in the early internet messaging boards.  I asked why they never dated. Well, she dated his older brother while he had a crush on her.  Poor boy!  But they've been friends for life, even though she is now married with kids.  She seemed nice but we were at a playground and it's hard to socialize while someone is parenting.

She asked how we met and Silver Fox said we met at the festival.  Which is true, but it left out the part about online dating, and since he'd told me that's how she met her husband, I can't figure out why he'd not be open about it.

I told Nerdboy that I was bringing a date to (festival we used to do together) and he sorta reacted badly.  He said 'all I ask is that you don't go to the same shows as me', which of course I was not going to do.  But then he posted something on facebook about being his own worst enemy, cancelled his birthday party, and the next day wrote to me 'You deserve to be loved and I know we got here because of my decision but it's still going to hurt to see you with someone else, just as it will be unpleasant for you when/if I meet someone'.

Well, he already has dated again, and spoke openly to me about it.  And I cried about it, but I didn't write to him to tell him about my pain.

I could have said that (and a whole bunch more), but I just said comforting things because I didn't want him to be hurt.  Why do women do this?

I cried all morning about it.  I'm not quite over him, and he's not quite over me.
Stupid boy.  It was your choice.  I would have come back, up until about a month ago when we cuddled on your couch and you didn't ask for me back.

But now it's my decision too and I'm going to move forward.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

Technical Difficulties

Date 4
Well I was going camping with my girlfriend but Silver Fox and I decided to sneak in a date before I left.  We went out to dinner and I went back to his house.
I felt like I was marching to my doom as we walked there.

We sat on the couch and I told him about the pain-during-sex thing.
He said, "Did you think I would be put off by it?"

Actually, no.  I trusted him pretty easily with that.  He told me about his ED and how his ex wasn't nice about it.  And he said...."Well if it doesn't work we can do other things that are fun.  And uh...if you want to maybe do those other things tonight, I need to take the pill now."

I blushed.  We talked about something else.

"How long does the pill take to work?"
"About half an hour."
"Take the pill."

And he did, and we sat on the couch again.
"Um...now what do we do?"
Silver Fox said, "Well we could talk about what you like.......  (long pause) ....in bed."

I tried but I got embarrassed.  He was much more at ease than I was but pretty soon we were just kissing and he said 'Do you want to go upstairs?'

And we did, and we undressed and he's got a dad-bod.  At one point, he said, "I'm nervous because I only did this with one other person."

It was going well, but penetration didn't work because my body is DIFFICULT.
So we (CENSORED) which was my idea and he hadn't done it.
I think it was a success.

And we agreed we were boyfriend-girlfriend.  That sounds dorky for two 35-year-olds.  But you know what I mean.

I like this one.

I will sleep over tomorrow.

Monday, 5 September 2016

That escalated quickly

Date 3 with Silver Fox.

We met for a movie in the afternoon.  I wasn't sure if we should touch during the screening.  I keep leaning way over and eventually I rested my head on his shoulder.  I didn't keep it there long.  I really couldn't tell if he liked it.

We went to a park after for a picnic dinner.  It was all very intellectual conversation until he noticed I was ripping jelly beans in half before I ate them.  I said, "..Uh I think it's because I'm nervous."

"You're nervous?  I want you to feel at ease with me"

"Aren't you nervous?"

"No, I'm relaxed now."

And a pause .  "Would it be okay if I put my arm around you?"
So I snuggled in.  We were on a bench with a great view of the whole city. Conversation died because I was so electrified that all coherent thoughts disappeared.  After a while he said he was getting cold, maybe we should go indoors?  It was only 8 o'clock.  I thought we were going to a coffee shop, but he said..."or you could come over."
"Uh, I'm thinking about it."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, if that's what you're worried about."

I agreed.  He lives in suburbs and it took an hour to get there.  And then I'm in his place, owned by his parents, and he makes me tea.  He opens the cupboard to get some cups, and there's all his medicine.  "Well you might be wondering why I have this (erection medication).  Some of my pills have sexual side effects.  I just wanted to be proactive and tell you about it in case it was weird for you."

Well, yeah that was but it seemed a reasonable explanation and we moved on.  It was the first time sex had been mentioned.

There was a discussion about me NOT sleeping over and what time I could still get home on transit. 11pm.  I wasn't sure if I should call my mother.  I didn't.  I set the alarm on my phone.

We sat on the couch.  I asked about him asking me out so soon after a breakup.  He said his ex had some mental health issues and constantly threatened to break up with him.  He said it wasn't her fault but he was glad to be out of it.

He said he was feeling nervous now that we were alone and dating was difficult for him.  I said I hadn't started dating until I was 30 and he said it was about the same for him.
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
"Two for me.  Not girlfriends, ha."

I couldn't believe we'd found each other.  Nerdboy had so much experience and maybe that was good for me but this was a relief.

He said he always asked for permission before he touched me (He did ask for every kiss) because he'd been bullied and hurt as a child, and was very careful about touch.

Nerdboy had rules about being touched too.

And then we were kissing, and I couldn't handle the tongue...Nerdboy never French-kissed and I just giggled.  I had to tell Silver Fox what was going on and he said, "Well I like tongue but we don't have to."  "No I like it, it's just been a while."  And then we were lying down and kissing and it was so nice and we'd stop and look into each other's eyes and smile.  He touched my face and my hair so gently.
Nerdboy never did that.  I felt like I'd been starved.
"Are you sure you don't want to sleep over?"
Oh, I was tempted but I just wasn't ready.

The buzzer went off and he walked me to the bus stop.  His goodbyes are a little less than sentimental, just a wave and goodbye but I think he just gets nervous.

so....that happened.

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Second Date

Well, we seem to like each other.
Silver Fox phoned to say he would be late.  I met him at the bus and we went to my studio and I showed him what I was working on.  It was fun at first but then I got embarrassed by the 'show and tell'.
We walked up to a pub for dinner and we played Scrabble.
I was not really feeling it.  He's very intellectual and wanted to discuss philosophy and politics constantly.  Which I like, but I was having trouble keeping up with the jargon and was a bit worried he was emotionally locked up or something.  And he has small feminine hands that are a bit disappointing.
The board game helped us relax I think.  I had a girly drink, so I got a bit light headed.  He just had coffee.

The pub was crowded and noisy so we went for a walk and ended up in a park.  And I asked somewhat personal questions and at last we were really talking.  I could get a sense of who he was.
He is very shy.  Very very shy.  But he did manage to ask me out (not even 24 hours after his breakup).

We talked about the environment, and childhood (he was bullied) and family and it was getting dark and we looked at the stars.  He asked if I liked OKCupid.  I laughed.  Uh, no.  I told him about the guy who wanted me to grow my hair long.  I said quietly, 'You're the only person I ever messaged'
He said, I'm honoured.

Finally I said I couldn't sit any longer and we walked back to the bus.  He got quiet.  He said something about wishing there were better movies out, which I think was a lead up to planning a second date but we got sidetracked talking about movies.

Another pause, and he said "I'm glad you messaged me because I like you."

I slipped my hand into his.  He said, "you have soft hands.  Well, one, anyways."

We let go to go on a narrow part of the path and he didn't pick it up again when we were walking side by side again.  I was wondering how this was going to end when he said, "I get very shy about these things but would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?"  And I turned and faced him and we did two short kisses.  He has a bit of suction to his kisses!  Nerdboy didn't kiss much.

His bus came, another quick kiss and a wave goodbye.
He wrote to say he had a great time and hopes to hang out soon.

I feel excited.  A bit of confusion.  Nerdboy is still around.  We saw a movie together last week, and text frequently.  And his parents are moving to Small City and he said he was  seriously thinking of moving there too.  Specifically, because I had suggested he come with me if I go.  (On the night we cuddled on his couch)

I can't help but compare the old with the new.  Silver Fox can converse at a much deeper level than Nerdboy.  But he is also very shy and dislikes loud and noisy environments.  He can't cook or drive and I'm guessing he's not good at fixing or building.  I would say Nerdboy and I had a more similar sense of fun.   So Nerdboy got a bit of a nostalgia glow for a moment, but there were also real problems in empathy and closeness.

So.  How to draw boundaries with Nerdboy?  Should I move cities?  Should I not be dating if leaving?

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Silver Fox

So, my first date as a single woman.
We met today for coffee, around 3pm.  Afternoon dates are weird because there's no set end time. I had suggested 2 hours, I could have pretended to have an evening engagement but I didn't.

We met at a coffee shop, I was early.  Silver Fox (as I have nicknamed him) had bought some books at a used book store and we talked about those.  He is studying philosophy and very easily slips into 'lecture mode' and uses a lot of big words I don't get.  I am pretty happy to discuss big ideas, so I tried to hang in there but sometimes I had to stop him.

Conversation was awkward at first but I did get a quick sketch of his life.  People are so surprising. He dropped out of high school and went to alternative school.  He's also a former smoker.  He seems really straight-laced.

After two drinks in the cafe we went wandering and found a park to sit in.
When we looked at the clock, it was almost 7pm.

So we are going to see each other again.
He wrote to say he was feeling shy today and hoped he wasn't too awkward.

I don't know what I think.  It was a very intellectual discussion, above my head, and I could only get a few glimpses of him as a person.

We hugged, if you're wondering, and that's it.

Friday, 19 August 2016

And then stuff happens...

Ok where to start.
1.  Honest Abe had a line in his profile that said, I don't care if you have a few extra pounds but if you don't have a full body shot in your profile I'm going to ask.  Well, I don't have a full body shot up, so I decided to get that issue out of the way and said I was about a size 12.
I got this message back that said he didn't know what that meant so he looked at lingerie models online but couldn't tell if he'd be attracted to me. He then went on to say he'd probably demand I grow my hair long.
I told him I was not interested.  You want a woman with long hair, I want someone who respects my grooming choices.

Do you think he had a full body shot posted on his profile, the hypocrite?

2.  Nerdboy.
So, much of this is my fault.  I had his picnic bag to return, and we had requested a movie at the library six months ago and it finally came my turn.  So, I suggested I come by Sunday evening to drop off the bag, and I'd watch the movie, and then he could watch the movie and then return it.  He said, let's watch it together.

Bad idea, but of course I agree.  So I go over to his place, and he makes dinner, and we just seem so happy to see each other, I joke he should move to Small City with me.  And then we put on the fairly romantic movie, and we're sitting next to each other on the couch.  Elbows touch.  Shoulders touch.  I lean on his shoulder.  We play with each other's hands.  That's all that happened.  We cuddled through the movie.  I did say stuff like "we've done this before" and 'What are we doing?'
After we played MarioKart.
I went home, and at the door, there was a long hug  "I missed you"  "I missed you too"
"You think about this"
"I screwed it up"  (that evening, or the whole relationship?)

I went home thinking we were on the cusp of trying again.
Monday morning woke up to a random text from him about the movie 'The Martian'
He was silent all day.  I cried.
Tuesday I had dinner with him again and we went for a walk.  and he talked about online dating, camping, other future plans, in a way that signaled to me that we were just friends in his mind.  He said he wasn't dating Eldorada, she had a boyfriend, but she lived near by and they hung out often.  Then we went to her house to pick up something so I HAD TO MEET HER!  It was a very weird day.  We didn't talk about Sunday.  But I went back to his house and we watched tv, not touching and then he sorta moved his shoulder towards me meaningfully and we cuddled again.
Wednesday he helped with my waste volunteer project.  (Which he didn't do when we were together!)
Friday we went for a walk, totally platonic.  He joked about me sleeping on his porch because we both need to be at the same place tomorrow.
Tomorrow I see him again for the arts festival we used to do together.

I think friends-with-cuddling-privileges is a bit weird but maybe it's how we're saying goodbye.
Today I feel like I love him dearly but don't need to be in a relationship any more.
I guess it would still feed my ego to still be wanted by him.

3.  Home
Car went to shop, car came back undriveable and the mechanic is on vacation.  I don't know what he did but it feels like the handbrake is always on.
Mom is having minor surgery and will need to rest for a month.
The battle against the mice continues.
This is all very stressful.
I got my hair cut and dyed.  I like it.

4.  Silver Fox
Oh some good news, maybe?  I noticed today that Silver Fox had his profile back up.  I had written to him, he had just got back together with his girlfriend, we bumped into each other later, we follow each other on Twitter.
I was planning to write to him.  His twitter showed he had gotten dumped maybe a day ago.
I thought I'd wait a day or two, considering what he'd just gone through.
Nope, he wrote to me.
I wrote back.
He wrote back and asked me to coffee.
I said yes but in a few days as I have a friend over from out of town.
He didn't write back.
I can see he's online, but maybe he just left a browser open.
I think it will still happen, but I would feel better if he said 'Great, how bout Wednesday?'
But, I will say that tomorrow if he doesn't follow up.