Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Silver Fox

So, my first date as a single woman.
We met today for coffee, around 3pm.  Afternoon dates are weird because there's no set end time. I had suggested 2 hours, I could have pretended to have an evening engagement but I didn't.

We met at a coffee shop, I was early.  Silver Fox (as I have nicknamed him) had bought some books at a used book store and we talked about those.  He is studying philosophy and very easily slips into 'lecture mode' and uses a lot of big words I don't get.  I am pretty happy to discuss big ideas, so I tried to hang in there but sometimes I had to stop him.

Conversation was awkward at first but I did get a quick sketch of his life.  People are so surprising. He dropped out of high school and went to alternative school.  He's also a former smoker.  He seems really straight-laced.

After two drinks in the cafe we went wandering and found a park to sit in.
When we looked at the clock, it was almost 7pm.

So we are going to see each other again.
He wrote to say he was feeling shy today and hoped he wasn't too awkward.

I don't know what I think.  It was a very intellectual discussion, above my head, and I could only get a few glimpses of him as a person.

We hugged, if you're wondering, and that's it.

Friday, 19 August 2016

And then stuff happens...

Ok where to start.
1.  Honest Abe had a line in his profile that said, I don't care if you have a few extra pounds but if you don't have a full body shot in your profile I'm going to ask.  Well, I don't have a full body shot up, so I decided to get that issue out of the way and said I was about a size 12.
I got this message back that said he didn't know what that meant so he looked at lingerie models online but couldn't tell if he'd be attracted to me. He then went on to say he'd probably demand I grow my hair long.
I told him I was not interested.  You want a woman with long hair, I want someone who respects my grooming choices.

Do you think he had a full body shot posted on his profile, the hypocrite?

2.  Nerdboy.
So, much of this is my fault.  I had his picnic bag to return, and we had requested a movie at the library six months ago and it finally came my turn.  So, I suggested I come by Sunday evening to drop off the bag, and I'd watch the movie, and then he could watch the movie and then return it.  He said, let's watch it together.

Bad idea, but of course I agree.  So I go over to his place, and he makes dinner, and we just seem so happy to see each other, I joke he should move to Small City with me.  And then we put on the fairly romantic movie, and we're sitting next to each other on the couch.  Elbows touch.  Shoulders touch.  I lean on his shoulder.  We play with each other's hands.  That's all that happened.  We cuddled through the movie.  I did say stuff like "we've done this before" and 'What are we doing?'
After we played MarioKart.
I went home, and at the door, there was a long hug  "I missed you"  "I missed you too"
"You think about this"
"I screwed it up"  (that evening, or the whole relationship?)

I went home thinking we were on the cusp of trying again.
Monday morning woke up to a random text from him about the movie 'The Martian'
He was silent all day.  I cried.
Tuesday I had dinner with him again and we went for a walk.  and he talked about online dating, camping, other future plans, in a way that signaled to me that we were just friends in his mind.  He said he wasn't dating Eldorada, she had a boyfriend, but she lived near by and they hung out often.  Then we went to her house to pick up something so I HAD TO MEET HER!  It was a very weird day.  We didn't talk about Sunday.  But I went back to his house and we watched tv, not touching and then he sorta moved his shoulder towards me meaningfully and we cuddled again.
Wednesday he helped with my waste volunteer project.  (Which he didn't do when we were together!)
Friday we went for a walk, totally platonic.  He joked about me sleeping on his porch because we both need to be at the same place tomorrow.
Tomorrow I see him again for the arts festival we used to do together.

I think friends-with-cuddling-privileges is a bit weird but maybe it's how we're saying goodbye.
Today I feel like I love him dearly but don't need to be in a relationship any more.
I guess it would still feed my ego to still be wanted by him.

3.  Home
Car went to shop, car came back undriveable and the mechanic is on vacation.  I don't know what he did but it feels like the handbrake is always on.
Mom is having minor surgery and will need to rest for a month.
The battle against the mice continues.
This is all very stressful.
I got my hair cut and dyed.  I like it.

4.  Silver Fox
Oh some good news, maybe?  I noticed today that Silver Fox had his profile back up.  I had written to him, he had just got back together with his girlfriend, we bumped into each other later, we follow each other on Twitter.
I was planning to write to him.  His twitter showed he had gotten dumped maybe a day ago.
I thought I'd wait a day or two, considering what he'd just gone through.
Nope, he wrote to me.
I wrote back.
He wrote back and asked me to coffee.
I said yes but in a few days as I have a friend over from out of town.
He didn't write back.
I can see he's online, but maybe he just left a browser open.
I think it will still happen, but I would feel better if he said 'Great, how bout Wednesday?'
But, I will say that tomorrow if he doesn't follow up.

Saturday, 13 August 2016

can't move forward

How many doubts did I have about Nerdboy?  But he rejects me and suddenly I can't live without him.  I still cry at least once a week

I saw on his facebook he had posted a cartoon about a guy being surrounded by little floating hearts and he bats them away and says 'stupid bugs'.
his new Friend, whom I will call Eldorada, had liked it.

Which to me, was indisputably proof they were dating.  (although if he posted it Saturday morning, and she liked it right away, they probably weren't in bed cuddling together...)  But, pretty sure that means he can think about being in love again.

I looked  Eldorada up. She's a graphic designer/artist.  And skinny.  So it seemed like I had been replaced with a more successful version of me.  It stings.
And I cried all day.

Fortunately I left on my trip the next day, and was kept distracted by seeing friends and family.
I do want to move there but am so scared.  It's smaller, harder to find work as an artist.  Cheaper but still not comfortable.  But I'd be able to get outside more, and driving/traffic wouldn't be so bad as the big city.

(Oh, my car is puffing blue smoke right now....I hope it's fixable.  My mom estimated $1000 in repairs if the oil is leaking into the engine)

I saw a school friend on my trip, and she had a business proposition for me-- she wants to open an art studio with me as head teacher.  That would be a good job for me, she'd do all the organizing and admin, and take on the financial risk.  But it's just an idea right now, and six months away from being a reality, and maybe a year or two away from being a viable business...
But, it's tempting.

Nerdboy texted me while I was away, wanted to know if I'd go for a walk with him...I said I wasn't in town.

When I got back, my mom was talking about us living together for a long time....making plans to find a little house with a studio for me
My safety net is turning into a sticky spider's web.

Mom's house is overrun with mice and we are cleaning everything.  Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time, I could just do without the mouse poop.

So, I'm not a virgin anymore (the one thing Nerdboy handled gracefully, the biggest gift he gave me) but I keep this blog going.  I still feel my inexperience.  This breakup is crushing, and I should have had my heart broken age 18 not 34.
Realizing that the thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world, probably these past 10 years, was a partner.  And I would still go back, if Nerdboy reached out his hand, even though I can see more clearly what I want now.

A few people are messaging me on OKCupid, but nobody I'm excited about.  One guy had the bluntest profile about what he wanted, and is not limiting himself to those in his geographic area.  He's about 5 hours away from me, in the opposite direction from where I'd like to relocate.  He shall be called Honest Abe, should his story continue any further.

I am still mooning over Faraway Crush, but not sure if I should write to him now or wait until I've actually moved to his city.  I feel like he needs order in his life and I will be too chaotic, the way I was for Nerdboy.

You know what?  I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, but there were still a few hangups.   (I don't initiate it very easily, and Nerdboy and I did not have quite the sex life I was hoping for)
But the thought of having sex with what will be my second partner---terrifying.  Like, it seems dangerous somehow.

Every other person on OKC seems to be into polyamory or something kinky.  I'm pretty vanilla and I don't want to do that stuff.  And I don't want to explain to someone else about the late virginity and the pain if not done right...
Almost entirely, my sexual experience is with Nerdboy and the thought of someone else doing those things isn't titillating, it's anxiety-inducing.

Friday, 5 August 2016

lost and confused, so what else is new?

Let's see.... totally froze up at a job interview this week.  hating myself because of it.  I needed that job!
I'm still looking at moving, so I'm going to visit another city this weekend.
It's hard not knowing where to jump.  Meanwhile, I've been at Mom's six months now, and no plans to get my own place.  No plans, no funds.
I'm hardly working right now.

I reopened dating profile on OKC.  No interesting messages.  Depressing.
I hesitate to message people when I am thinking of leaving town....

I didn't talk to him for a month but I still had him on facebook.  I saw he was having a hard time from a 'vaguebook' sad post, and started an online conversation with him.  He was worried about his mom's health.  He was really happy I'd reached out.

We didn't talk after that.  I took his posts out of my newsfeed, but I still went to his page like a freakin' STALKER.  

I could see he'd made some new female friends and was going nuts wondering if he was dating any of them.  Three of them, and they comment on his posts all the time.  And one day I got an invite from Nerdboy to a movie he knows I wouldn't like.... one of the new friends' names also starts with 'El...'
Did he click on the wrong person in sending the invite?  I shouldn't even be wondering that.
I unfriended him.

And I went a little crazy not being able to check on him but it was probably for the best...
But I saw he was online one day about a week later and I said 'sorry i unfriended you'
which started a weird conversation where at one point he said 'I'm just not cool enough or interesting enough'  
I was confused.  "For a new job?"
"For anything.  Or maybe I just don't know how to be happy"

I ended the conversation.  I don't want to hear about his dating fails (which I think was what he meant by being uninteresting...) and if he has regrets about losing me...that just stirs things up.  As you will read. I really should just stay away.

But I think it was the day after that, a friend request came in on facebook, from Nerdboy.
So I think we were not friends for a whole week.  

At the same time, he sent me a message-- 'So I sent you a friend request and it can just wait until you're ready.  Or you can delete it.'

A friend request hanging there from him would just have so much emotional weight to it.  Why couldn't he just let me decide when I was ready to do that?
I just accepted it.

I was kinda thinking he wasn't dating any of those women, and missing me.  Sigh!  Ego.

I went to get some stuff of mine he still had.  He came out from his house and loaded up my car.  He had all these little gifts for me- fresh cooking and frozen berries.
I said...Do you want to go for a walk? 
He paled.  'I have a friend over......  another time?'
I got in the car.  He went back in the house, pausing twice to look back at me.

When I got home I found out the friend was the other 'El' woman because she'd posted pictures of their dinner.  She likes everything he posts on facebook and accepts all his 'Does anybody want to do this thing with me?' open invites.
And he'd shared one of my environmental events, and because she likes everything he does, she'd said she was going.

Making them the two most clueless people on the planet.

Monday, 18 July 2016

small updates

My mom is back from England.  I cleaned and cleaned but it doesn't look much better than when she left (unless you open cupboards.)
The house is in bad shape.  There was a mouse infestation, although I think that mostly been cleaned up.
When Nerdboy and I were discussing why we broke up, the harshest thing that came out was "I work full time, I jog, and I do the chores.  Why can't you get it done?"

The fact that I spent 4 times as many hours as him commuting a week aside, there was some truth in it.  I don't have it together.  Maybe it comes from my parents, neither were good housekeepers and I grew up always ashamed of my house.  When I was a teenager I started to deep clean but I had to work around emotional resistance from other family members.

I feel like cleaning Mom's house is cleaning away all that past stuff that's weighing on my family.


I did talk to Nerdboy last week.  Just two days short of a month of silence.  I stalked his facebook page and saw that he was having a bad time so I messaged him.  He was worried about his mother's health, she had skin cancer, and was awaiting results on her treatment.  He was really thankful that I had reached out.  The next day he updated me that his mother's health was clear.

I had a hard time living alone while Mom was travelling, and I miss him badly.  But I don't think I could go back.

I have a feeling we're not quite done with each other, but hopefully with some time we can be friends


Walrus (my first boyfriend) followed me on Instagram and I found out he's in a relationship.  Is it bad that I was surprised?  When I was dating him his medical issues were too much to handle.
I did try to look up who she was, but couldn't find anything but one photo.  Looks cute.

Ok, remember I tried online dating?  I wrote to one guy, Silver Fox, but he had just got back together with his ex.  But we added each other on Twitter.  I stopped thinking about him, until he commented on one of my tweets about the upcoming arts festival we both work at.  I started to get excited I would meet him.  Not expecting anything to happen, but even a new friend, a new male friend, is pretty rare.
So I spotted him on Friday at the very end of the night as I was leaving and I walked past him.  Because I'm shy, I guess.  My whole body got the shivers.
Saturday night I got stationed in the same section as him.  I could see him across the road.  I was watching him, he was watching me (but we both had our jobs to do)  Finally he came over and introduced himself and shook my hand.  There was some awkward conversation but he was friendly.
Oh, and I was facepainted to look like a raccoon.  Because, I just can't be normal with a normal life.

Anyways, that was sort of a non-event, I think he's still with his girlfriend.  It doesn't hurt to be on his radar if it doesn't work out....haha.  I'm not really serious about this crush, but it felt good to be excited about new possibilities.  He studies philosophy, so I guess I'm looking for a deep thinker as a response to Nerdboy's pop culture addiction.

Funny to think I've probably walked by him dozens of times, we've both done this festival for ten years...


Tuesday, 28 June 2016


Just a quick update, as I'm overwhelmed and need to gather my thoughts.

I closed OKCupid (temporarily), but think of opening it at least once a day

I haven't been in contact with Nerdboy for a whole two weeks.  Also hard to resist contacting him.

TMI, but I have no sexual desire right now.  But I would sell my grandmother for some affectionate cuddling....

My sister has moved out of Mom's and into her new townhouse, taking a whole bunch of chaos with her.  My mother left early this morning for a trip to Europe.

I am alone in Mom's house for the next three weeks.  I have to look after the old dog, and the plants and fish tank.  Should be easy enough, except the house is a mess.  I plan to do some deep cleaning this week, starting with the kitchen.

This past weekend, being my grandfather's funeral, my sister's move and Mom's packing for her trip, was Peak Stress, accentuated by The Ear Incident, in which my sister's young puppy bit a chunk off her old dog's ear while we were out of the house.  Came home to blood and fur everywhere. I felt we were an extremely dysfunctional family.  The old dog (15 years old) is not recovering well, seems to have lost some of the will to live, but maybe it's just the painkillers making her dopey.  My poor sister.

I am pretty much unemployed except for the third week in July, but applied for a job in recycling and weirdly enough, am being considered.  (I'm an artist who volunteers in environmental issues.  Art for pay, garbage for fun.  It's a bit backwards)  So, that would be a huge change and would really shake up my quiet hermitage here at Mom's.

I have such high hopes that I will use this down time to sort out some things and pick a new direction in life.  Maybe find a place to live, exercise, eat right, start making some art...

It's a lot of pressure.  There's a high chance I'll watch a lot of home decorating shows in between cleaning out five years of accumulated crap at Mom's.  (Some of which I left behind when I moved out three years ago, so I owe her at least some cleaning)

The little car I bought has a bunch of small problems, the most fun being the car alarm randomly going off for no reason.  I still don't drive it much, very shaky with shifting gears.

2016 just seems a year of general shakiness for the world, for so many close to me.  And for me personally.  Well, maybe a new world of recycling is opening to me, although I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

Am I ready to date?

Two posts in one day, decided to split the topics.
So, Nerdboy is still on the fringes of my life, although I'm trying to ignore him.  That's in the previous post.  This one concerns a decision.

I have an online dating account open on OKCupid.
I had a bit of a crush on someone's profile,  from a city two hours away, but didn't write because it seemed impractical to meet.  Meanwhile, a chubby photographer messaged me ( I often search for people who list 'environment' as an interest.  His profile mentions 'a safe environment' and I kept forgetting.  So he saw that I had visited more than once and got excited)  and that conversation has been going for two weeks.  I'm not particularly interested but I have no reason to reject him.  I think he would have asked to meet me already but my grandfather died and he's being respectful of that.

So then Faraway Crush closed his account, and Photographer didn't message for a few days, and I panicked or something and sent my first message to someone else, who we will call Silver Fox.
(So, so cute).  And he wrote back the next day and said he was back with his ex but was open to talking as friends.  So I wrote something back to be polite, and he wrote back a fairly chatty message.  Turns out we have two arts organizations in common, not sure how we hadn't already met.  And I wrote back again, and he didn't answer all week.  I was not surprised.  I was a little uncomfortable that he still had a dating profile up while in the tender stages of reconciliation  He did edit it to say he was unavailable, I guess he didn't know how to change the setting to 'seeing someone' instead of 'single'.

And then yesterday I got a message from Silver Fox saying, this is a drag, you seem interesting, but my girlfriend wants me to close my account.  She's okay with me messaging people, just not through OKC.  Here's my email and Twitter.

Why are boys so dumb?  SO, SO DUMB.

Anyways, we follow each other on Twitter now and I have fantasies about his relationship not working out and me stepping in....Not really though.  I want somebody's second chance to work, even if mine didn't.

I haven't heard from Photographer in a few days.
No one else is messaging me.

Either I close the account or I start messaging some people.

I really want to date again.  Even though dating is the seventh level of hell.

But I have no place to live, no steady job, want to lose 5 more pounds...want to be more dateable first.

I don't know.
I check OKC obsessively.
The two profiles I most like are in two different cities, both about 100 km away.  One is across the border in the USA!
Am I picking unobtainable people on purpose?

I really really really want someone who cares about the environment and I'm surprised there's only a small handful, maybe 30 men in a 100 mile radius.  It really narrows the dating pool.

How do i meet fellow greenies in real life?