Monday, 26 December 2016

still good, still sweet

Merry Christmas, to those who still check this blog.
What a journey from virginity, through two boyfriends and onto unexpected compatibility with Silver Fox.  4 months together and we're just nuts about each other.

How different from last Christmas- I was engaged to Nerdboy!
What a year.

I am still complicatedly-sad over Nerdboy because we did share a life together for more than two years and he helped me, invested in me, as an artist.  And whatever his faults, we worked through my technical difficulties with sex together and he did that gracefully.

But I am realizing how much easier it is with Silver Fox.  I remember crying early on in the relationship with Nerdboy because he was criticizing my cooking.  And I had so many doubts that he wasn't what I wanted.  None of that with Silver Fox, although I have worried about his anxiety and his slow start in his career.  It's early yet but I feel pretty certain we're going to be together for a while.

On Christmas I met his nephew for the first time and when we were alone later I asked if he felt anything about being an uncle.  I talked about not reacting well when my sister announcing her pregnancy but later completely falling in love with my little nephew.  And Silver Fox asked if I was sure I didn't want kids.  "Uh, it's complicated"  I asked him if he did.  He said 'Maybe'.  He explained that having children increases the possibility of heartbreak, because you live your own successes and failures, and theirs.

We went to watch a movie that night and all throughout I kept freaking out because I thought that door was shut firm.  No children, no regrets.  But maybe me and Silver Fox have a future together with a little creation of our own.  I don't even know if my body can do it, or if we'll ever be financially secure enough.  I don't even know if I want to make the sacrifice motherhood requires.
But, the door is not shut.  I know if there was an 'accident' I'd want to have the baby.
I think we'll have to talk about this more, no rush though.



Monday, 31 October 2016

gush

I'm writing this one just to record it for me.
Last week I had to work in his neighbourhood early in the morning, then I had a big gap in the afternoon.  I went to his house and told him I needed to nap.  And we did nap....eventually ;)
When we woke up he had a bit of an erection.  He was trying to get dressed and it was bobbing around, and he tried to put on his underwear.  I was watching from bed, giggling. He didn't seem embarrassed.
And I felt such a rush of emotion.  I think I love this man.
But what a weird moment to realize it.  I haven't said anything yet.  It would have been ridiculous to say it then.

Monday, 17 October 2016

A good man...

Another late night talk.  He confessed he was 'difficult'.  Which, when I inquired further, was because his ex had told him he argued too hard when discussing ideas and politics.

Thinking about it the next day, I realized how low the bar is to be a good man.
He isn't going to beat me, rape me, steal from me, cheat on me.  He isn't an addict.  He didn't send dick pics.  He isn't emotionally closed off.  He isn't going to gaslight or patronize me.  He hasn't asked me to change my appearance.  He doesn't expect me to cook for him or 'mother' him.

My mom said the other day that Donald Trump's comments weren't shocking to her, that all the men in her generation have something of that mindset.

Women put up with a lot it seems.

So I think I've found a rare jewel, and wonder how he was single so long.  (Underemployment aside...)

And as for the arguing thing, both Walrus and Nerdboy told me I argued too hard too, so maybe we're a good fit.


Tuesday, 11 October 2016

The 'L' word

Did I really only meet Silver Fox seven weeks ago?  I see him every two or three days, and sleep over at his house almost as much.  I've got a toothbrush and a phone charger there.

And it's going pretty well.  We seem delighted with each other.

He told me about a week ago that his anxiety causes him to worry I will reject him.  He said it isn't anything I've done, it's just how his brain works.  
I'm hoping if he actually believed that was a possibility, he wouldn't have told me.
But I was a bit worried that I had that much power to hurt him.  Because I really don't think he is going to hurt me.  So, I get to be the bad guy?
I said "But, I like you so much!"
He said, "I more than like you"

So it wasn't a shock when the next time I was over, and we'd had a late night roll in the hay, he said 'I know you're not supposed to say this in bed, and it's early, and you don't have to feel this way, but I think I.....love you?'  (his voice went up at the end, like a question)

I said, "oh my darling" and buried my head in his shoulder.  But then I said, 'It's very early'.

I felt very overwhelmed and my eyes watered.  I told him that the last relationship had messed me up but I was happy with him.

I don't know if that satisfied him but that's the best I can do right now.

I feel like he hasn't been in love before and I came along and was sweet to him.  But for me love means we've seen the darker sides, we've quarreled and made up, we've gone through stuff and decided to stay together.

~~~
We have sex a lot.  At bed time, and usually again in the morning.  And he's gotten bolder with his comments.  Who would have known that my sweet respectful boy was such a horndog?
He said some dirty stuff in bed that made me blush.  Did he really just ask me if I liked cock?
I actually find it a teeny bit ridiculous but the guy waited until his mid-thirties to have sex so if it helps him feel like a man I can just play along.

The sex stuff is getting better but his foreplay is better than the actual event.  

~~ 
Nerdboy has contacted me a few times.  Wanted to tell me how sad he was, not because of me necessarily, just generally not doing well.  I went to his birthday party, it was a little awkward but fine.  I thought maybe the friends thing would be ok.  Then a few days after he messaged me and the point of the conversation was to find out if I still was with Silver Fox and then tell me he was stepping away from dating while he worked on finding a new job.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

late night talks

Hey, this post goes into some detailed sex stuff.  You've been warned!



~~~~

I've stayed over at Silver Fox's twice (at least) since the last blog post.  We are learning how to do sex together.  My body can be coaxed into cooperating, if we're patient.  He's having some trouble with his equipment.  So we take breaks, and cuddle, and it's probably actually perfect for my problem, because my body can decide it actually does want to participate.

He's having anxiety because he had the problem in the past and his ex was cruel about it.  She sounds like a cow.  I wish he hadn't gone back to her because we could have found each other much earlier!
He said he knows I'm different but thinking about the bad memories or just focusing too much on the problem makes the anxiety worse.

Despite these problems, we're having a good time.  I'm just not sure how to be helpful except to not be upset about it.

His ex once kicked him out of bed because of it.  Wow.

Last night it was particularly troublesome although eventually we briefly got both bodies in sync but the success was short lived.  I don't really understand what happened but he said he had to stop.
We just talked instead.  He seems to be able to talk openly about sex whereas I still have walls around the subject.  He told me he had a sexy dream about me and I didn't know how to take it. (blush)

I said I was very happy we were each other's second partner.

He said, "I feel like we are sort of kindred spirits even though we're very different.  Do you feel that?"

And I was so happy.  I do feel like there's nothing on the surface to make this work, and yet we connected so quickly.  I couldn't believe I'd found another late bloomer, purely by accident. I don't think he means just the sex thing but I can't name what it is we have in common.

From what I can work out, I think he only had sex about a year ago, and it was fraught with problems.  We talked about what it was like to not be in relationships.  He talked of some embarrassment, and feeling something was missing, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as it was to me.  Being a virgin became part of my identity, even though it was secret.

And we talked about exes.  I told him the whole Nerdboy saga, a condensed version anyways.  He said 'that guy sounds like a piece of work'.  Which I guess is true.  I can't get perspective on it yet.
And Silver Fox said a little bit more about his unhealthy relationship with the Cow.

So finally someone stayed up late and bared souls with me.  It was a little painful and a lot wonderful.
~~~~

I really like him but I can see stuff about him I don't like.  Am I supposed to be in a love-struck blindness to his faults?  I hope not.  I am a little freaked out by how easy this has been so far.  I kinda think it could work....



Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Sleepover NSFW

So last Sunday night I stayed over at his house.  I ran out the door telling my mother in a gulp 'Ok I'mgoingtoSilverFox's tonight andI'mstayingover, bye!'
It took an hour and a half on the bus to get to his place.
I made pizza for us.  Have I mentioned that he eats mostly (nutritional supplement)?  It drives me nuts.  He has almost no groceries on hand so I brought everything.
Then we watched a movie on his laptop, cuddling on the couch.  I was feeling gassy (oh so sexy) and wanted to take off my jeans and belt, so I changed into some pjs.  He suggested we move to the bed upstairs.  He got naked.  I stayed clothed but cuddled up.  We did finish watching the movie in bed but then we were all over each other.

I blush like a schoolgirl talking about sex in 'normal life' but in bed I have learned to be pretty open.
We used the vibrator on me and that got my stupid cranky old muscles down there to relax.  I said something about 'it' being difficult and he said 'I have funny genitalia too.'  Which made me laugh so hard.  Good thing he saw the absurdity too.  We high-fived.
He got on top of me.  We achieved penetration but uh...he doesn't thrust.  He flexed it.  Maybe he thought he was thrusting?  I don't know but it didn't do anything for me.

I went on top.  He made the most amazing faces of pleasure.  But then he winced and said he was freaked out about his penis getting bent.  I got off and he told me about how erections work and that penises can be broken.  He said his ex did stuff that bent him.  He seemed to know it was an irrational fear but sheesh, this is going to be hard to work with.

This sort of killed the mood but we just cuddled.  We seem to like just looking into each other's faces.  In fact, he said 'I just like looking at you.'  I like his eyes.  And he wanted to go again and we tried a new position (for him) that was a success.  But again, not so much on the thrusting.  Pick a rhythm already!

So it was a lot of fun but not the skill level I'm used to.  And I feel like our exes came to bed with us but hopefully we can forget about them and learn together what works for us.

In the morning we did play around again but I guess he wasn't able to go again?  I didn't really understand why it didn't happen and didn't ask, but we cuddled and caressed for a long time and I was purring like a cat.  So a pretty ok substitute.

We were supposed to meet up with his best friend at lunch but he cut himself shaving in the morning and almost cancelled because he was self-conscious about the big gash on his face.  How can insecurity be so self-important?  No one is going to notice because they are all the centre of their own universes.  Anyways, he was persuaded into going and I meet his friend and her two little girls.

He met this friend age 14 in the early internet messaging boards.  I asked why they never dated. Well, she dated his older brother while he had a crush on her.  Poor boy!  But they've been friends for life, even though she is now married with kids.  She seemed nice but we were at a playground and it's hard to socialize while someone is parenting.

She asked how we met and Silver Fox said we met at the festival.  Which is true, but it left out the part about online dating, and since he'd told me that's how she met her husband, I can't figure out why he'd not be open about it.

~~~
I told Nerdboy that I was bringing a date to (festival we used to do together) and he sorta reacted badly.  He said 'all I ask is that you don't go to the same shows as me', which of course I was not going to do.  But then he posted something on facebook about being his own worst enemy, cancelled his birthday party, and the next day wrote to me 'You deserve to be loved and I know we got here because of my decision but it's still going to hurt to see you with someone else, just as it will be unpleasant for you when/if I meet someone'.

Well, he already has dated again, and spoke openly to me about it.  And I cried about it, but I didn't write to him to tell him about my pain.

I could have said that (and a whole bunch more), but I just said comforting things because I didn't want him to be hurt.  Why do women do this?

I cried all morning about it.  I'm not quite over him, and he's not quite over me.
Stupid boy.  It was your choice.  I would have come back, up until about a month ago when we cuddled on your couch and you didn't ask for me back.

But now it's my decision too and I'm going to move forward.




Saturday, 10 September 2016

Technical Difficulties

Date 4
Well I was going camping with my girlfriend but Silver Fox and I decided to sneak in a date before I left.  We went out to dinner and I went back to his house.
I felt like I was marching to my doom as we walked there.

We sat on the couch and I told him about the pain-during-sex thing.
He said, "Did you think I would be put off by it?"

Actually, no.  I trusted him pretty easily with that.  He told me about his ED and how his ex wasn't nice about it.  And he said...."Well if it doesn't work we can do other things that are fun.  And uh...if you want to maybe do those other things tonight, I need to take the pill now."

I blushed.  We talked about something else.

"How long does the pill take to work?"
"About half an hour."
"Take the pill."

And he did, and we sat on the couch again.
"Um...now what do we do?"
Silver Fox said, "Well we could talk about what you like.......  (long pause) ....in bed."

I tried but I got embarrassed.  He was much more at ease than I was but pretty soon we were just kissing and he said 'Do you want to go upstairs?'

And we did, and we undressed and he's got a dad-bod.  At one point, he said, "I'm nervous because I only did this with one other person."

It was going well, but penetration didn't work because my body is DIFFICULT.
So we (CENSORED) which was my idea and he hadn't done it.
I think it was a success.

And we agreed we were boyfriend-girlfriend.  That sounds dorky for two 35-year-olds.  But you know what I mean.

I like this one.

I will sleep over tomorrow.