1. Got new car, same model as the last one
2. Taking some workshops in job search stuff, resumes and interviews. Hating it
3. But had an interview last week and one next week.
4. Suddenly obsessed with the idea I should be a school teacher and am looking into going back to uni for that
5. Medical scare- I complained to my doctor I was gaining weight, always hungry and headachy. Was sent for bloodwork, which showed high cortisol. The doctor went back through my medical records and said I probably didn't have ovarian cysts at the moment, but maybe I had Cushings. Was sent to a specialist who said the cortisol results were a false result from my birth control. Phew! But I don't quite understand what's happening with my PCOS. I was diagnosed with them 12 years ago, but an ultrasound from five years ago (for something else) showed clear, cyst-free ovaries and nobody noticed. So that's a bit of a weird feeling... maybe I could get pregnant without treatment?
6. in fact I am going crazy with the idea of parenthood. This has been previously discussed a few posts back, but now I am absolutely gripped with it. Every time I see a baby or a pregnant person... Made spreadsheets of income as a teacher with and without mat leave. Told all my girlfriends but hid it from Silver Fox. Confessed to him last night that I was 'baby crazy', that if was happening we had four years at the most, that I was struggling to reconcile my desire to have one with my fears about the environment... he said he did like the idea of us having a family (he wants more than one...) but had his own doubts about how much of an emotional toll parenting can take and if he'd be good at it. I think we agreed it's something we want to do (probably!) and we finally talked about his career plans, which are vague, but less vague than I imagined.
7. this made us super mushy the next day. It's kinda a big deal if someone says they would make a baby with you.
Saturday 29 July 2017
Tuesday 13 June 2017
Awkward!
I've stayed friends with my ex, Nerdboy. It was mostly his idea. He just wouldn't go away. We tried to get back together but his heart wasn't in it (and that was a hard realization for me). I took a little break and started dating Silver Fox. I can't quite remember how Nerdboy came back into my life but he did. We've worked on art projects together and he really gets a kick out of that. He's helped me out in big ways now that I'm carless. I even worry that I'm using him but I'm glad he's still in my life. It's a weird dynamic because we can tease each other mercilessly and can dance around the edges of the fact that we used to be a couple.
A week ago Nerdboy was helping me prepare for an art show. He told me he was dating again. After we broke up he found a new group of friends (through a date that didn't click romantically actually!) and has been super social. I thought it was great since he really didn't have friends when we were together. His new girlfriend was one of these new friends and it just grew into something more. He asked if he could bring her to the art fair and I agreed, if he was also ready to meet Silver Fox.
It looked like our respective new partners were planning to come at different time slots and wouldn't meet, but of course it didn't work out that way.
Nerdboy's new girlfriend surprised me. She's bubbly and really tried to say nice things about my art. She was dressed quite fashionably and that actually was hard for me. I would never dress that way. She might be younger than me. I expected someone a lot quirkier!
Nerdboy said their group of friends doesn't know they're dating yet. The girlfriend wanted to keep it a secret. She just got out of a relationship a few months ago. I hope he doesn't get hurt.
Then my Silver Fox arrived and while me and New Girlfriend made awkward comments about the event, Silver Fox reached out and introduced himself to Nerdboy. It was a gesture just slightly too big to be smooth, but it was good of him to make the first connection. The brief conversation was just charged with awkwardness! Then the two couples separated and walked around the fair. We kept bumping into them. Silver Fox told me after that he would try to sneak a peak at Nerdboy and they kept locking eyes!
I was quite keyed up and was super clingy to Silver Fox.
The next day Nerdboy helped me put everything back into storage and we laughed about how awkward it was. I went to his house after and it was very weird. I've been back several times since we broke up, but this time every physical spot brought back a memory. Here's where we had sex on the couch, here's where I was standing when he broke up with me, here's where I would get my butt touched when I did dishes. There's still some hurt there, not so much for the first breakup but the reconciliation that seemed so sweet but wasn't.
But honestly, I felt trapped with him. There was a lot of good stuff, but loneliness too. We seem happier as friends. I guess that's a weird thing to do.
And my Silver Fox. I've never felt like this before. I just light up when I see him. We are completely mushy for each other. I'm so glad I got to feel this much in love.
He's still struggling with his anxiety over school. He dropped out of one of his summer classes. I don't know how to help but I'm trying to get him to see a school counselor.
I've been so busy and with the art fair done, I'm looking to take a break. I've got lots of stuff to catch up on (haven't done my taxes, eek!) and I've got to buy a car, clean the house and work on some health stuff.
Ah life! Not sure where this is all going. I'm happier than I've been in a long time but I could use a little rest.
A week ago Nerdboy was helping me prepare for an art show. He told me he was dating again. After we broke up he found a new group of friends (through a date that didn't click romantically actually!) and has been super social. I thought it was great since he really didn't have friends when we were together. His new girlfriend was one of these new friends and it just grew into something more. He asked if he could bring her to the art fair and I agreed, if he was also ready to meet Silver Fox.
It looked like our respective new partners were planning to come at different time slots and wouldn't meet, but of course it didn't work out that way.
Nerdboy's new girlfriend surprised me. She's bubbly and really tried to say nice things about my art. She was dressed quite fashionably and that actually was hard for me. I would never dress that way. She might be younger than me. I expected someone a lot quirkier!
Nerdboy said their group of friends doesn't know they're dating yet. The girlfriend wanted to keep it a secret. She just got out of a relationship a few months ago. I hope he doesn't get hurt.
Then my Silver Fox arrived and while me and New Girlfriend made awkward comments about the event, Silver Fox reached out and introduced himself to Nerdboy. It was a gesture just slightly too big to be smooth, but it was good of him to make the first connection. The brief conversation was just charged with awkwardness! Then the two couples separated and walked around the fair. We kept bumping into them. Silver Fox told me after that he would try to sneak a peak at Nerdboy and they kept locking eyes!
I was quite keyed up and was super clingy to Silver Fox.
The next day Nerdboy helped me put everything back into storage and we laughed about how awkward it was. I went to his house after and it was very weird. I've been back several times since we broke up, but this time every physical spot brought back a memory. Here's where we had sex on the couch, here's where I was standing when he broke up with me, here's where I would get my butt touched when I did dishes. There's still some hurt there, not so much for the first breakup but the reconciliation that seemed so sweet but wasn't.
But honestly, I felt trapped with him. There was a lot of good stuff, but loneliness too. We seem happier as friends. I guess that's a weird thing to do.
And my Silver Fox. I've never felt like this before. I just light up when I see him. We are completely mushy for each other. I'm so glad I got to feel this much in love.
He's still struggling with his anxiety over school. He dropped out of one of his summer classes. I don't know how to help but I'm trying to get him to see a school counselor.
I've been so busy and with the art fair done, I'm looking to take a break. I've got lots of stuff to catch up on (haven't done my taxes, eek!) and I've got to buy a car, clean the house and work on some health stuff.
Ah life! Not sure where this is all going. I'm happier than I've been in a long time but I could use a little rest.
Thursday 18 May 2017
So certain, except for all these doubts
Not much to report. Still happy with Silver Fox, almost nine months now.
We're sort of poking around the edges of a talk about the future. Probably too early, but it seems almost certain that this is a long-term thing. Like, he's the One? But why did I pick someone who has no high school diploma, can't drive, and can't cook?
There was a late night talk about having a family. That same day I found out a friend (who is 39) is pregnant with her first. So I guess it was on my mind, because that night we were talking about world problems, including overpopulation . (I think we're overpopulated, he doesn't). And I blurted out "I think I might want a child". I had to repeat it because he didn't understand what I had said. And he said he might want one too. And it was very nice and truly terrifying. Oh yeah, and I confessed I'd been thinking about this since our talk at Christmas and he said 'you sat on this all that time!'
Ever since I confirmed my suspicions that we both did want a family, I've been a little crazy, wanting to plan, wanting to know his plans... I've told several girlfriends about our talk, yet I haven't told him all my worries, which isn't fair but he's working on school right now and I don't want him to feel bad about where he is. (He was able to skip to university without his high school diploma)
But I'm 35 and there's a time limit on this project. We are not going to be established enough even in three years unless we beg the grandparents to help out. I will probably need fertility treatment.
I think for both of us, parenthood wasn't really a possibility before, not having suitable partners. So I hope I'm not just having one last fling at this dream of motherhood. Previously I was quite at peace with being childless. But now I'm really thinking what needs to happen, and have set it as a possible goal, and he's still got it as a nice dream for someday....
But I tell myself, Eleanor, it's still not even a year together. Just enjoy getting to know each other and leave the big plans for just a little longer. Enjoy the sweetness of the infatuation stage.
I sometimes can't believe this is happening to me. We are so gaga over each other, we just lie around noses touching and gaze lovingly at the other's face. We have a lot of sex. He's super eager and I can certainly keep up. He's getting much better at it. (If you haven't been following: he dated one other woman for less than a year before he met me.) His anxiety still is a factor but I don't seem to mind. I feel like I have infinite patience with his anxiety in bed, but almost none when it affects his school work.
I think it's delightful to have found someone even less experienced than me. Although sometimes I think about that joke about virgins getting too attached-- maybe he would have liked anybody who came along and was willing to sleep with him. Ha! I actually think we're good for each other, and having someone who understands the late-to-date baggage is just a bonus.
So I love him to bits but I worry so much about how long he's taking to get his shit figured out. And that's why Nerdboy dumped me, so I certainly feel the irony there. I have faith my smart and hardworking boy will do fine, EVENTUALLY. He's not going to get there quickly. I asked Silver Fox if he had any goals, and he said no, which was completely alien to me. I think of him as very reasonable and responsible, but his anxiety makes him completely the opposite of that. If anybody knows any resources for helping a loved one with anxiety, I would be so grateful.
Other small updates: Lots of freelance work, I'm so tired, but it looks like one more month and then it dries up. I'll be happy to take some me-time but will need to find more work by midsummer. Car died and I sold it for parts. Nerdboy and I are trying to be friends, and he seems happier with the arrangement. Me too, I think, but occasionally it's weird. Still living with Mom, and her car is also dead, and she's having trouble buying a new one. (she doesn't do well with large purchases) Between mom and Silver Fox, I want to kick some butts! I used to procrastinate and avoid things, now I'm getting stuff done.
We're sort of poking around the edges of a talk about the future. Probably too early, but it seems almost certain that this is a long-term thing. Like, he's the One? But why did I pick someone who has no high school diploma, can't drive, and can't cook?
There was a late night talk about having a family. That same day I found out a friend (who is 39) is pregnant with her first. So I guess it was on my mind, because that night we were talking about world problems, including overpopulation . (I think we're overpopulated, he doesn't). And I blurted out "I think I might want a child". I had to repeat it because he didn't understand what I had said. And he said he might want one too. And it was very nice and truly terrifying. Oh yeah, and I confessed I'd been thinking about this since our talk at Christmas and he said 'you sat on this all that time!'
Ever since I confirmed my suspicions that we both did want a family, I've been a little crazy, wanting to plan, wanting to know his plans... I've told several girlfriends about our talk, yet I haven't told him all my worries, which isn't fair but he's working on school right now and I don't want him to feel bad about where he is. (He was able to skip to university without his high school diploma)
But I'm 35 and there's a time limit on this project. We are not going to be established enough even in three years unless we beg the grandparents to help out. I will probably need fertility treatment.
I think for both of us, parenthood wasn't really a possibility before, not having suitable partners. So I hope I'm not just having one last fling at this dream of motherhood. Previously I was quite at peace with being childless. But now I'm really thinking what needs to happen, and have set it as a possible goal, and he's still got it as a nice dream for someday....
But I tell myself, Eleanor, it's still not even a year together. Just enjoy getting to know each other and leave the big plans for just a little longer. Enjoy the sweetness of the infatuation stage.
I sometimes can't believe this is happening to me. We are so gaga over each other, we just lie around noses touching and gaze lovingly at the other's face. We have a lot of sex. He's super eager and I can certainly keep up. He's getting much better at it. (If you haven't been following: he dated one other woman for less than a year before he met me.) His anxiety still is a factor but I don't seem to mind. I feel like I have infinite patience with his anxiety in bed, but almost none when it affects his school work.
I think it's delightful to have found someone even less experienced than me. Although sometimes I think about that joke about virgins getting too attached-- maybe he would have liked anybody who came along and was willing to sleep with him. Ha! I actually think we're good for each other, and having someone who understands the late-to-date baggage is just a bonus.
So I love him to bits but I worry so much about how long he's taking to get his shit figured out. And that's why Nerdboy dumped me, so I certainly feel the irony there. I have faith my smart and hardworking boy will do fine, EVENTUALLY. He's not going to get there quickly. I asked Silver Fox if he had any goals, and he said no, which was completely alien to me. I think of him as very reasonable and responsible, but his anxiety makes him completely the opposite of that. If anybody knows any resources for helping a loved one with anxiety, I would be so grateful.
Other small updates: Lots of freelance work, I'm so tired, but it looks like one more month and then it dries up. I'll be happy to take some me-time but will need to find more work by midsummer. Car died and I sold it for parts. Nerdboy and I are trying to be friends, and he seems happier with the arrangement. Me too, I think, but occasionally it's weird. Still living with Mom, and her car is also dead, and she's having trouble buying a new one. (she doesn't do well with large purchases) Between mom and Silver Fox, I want to kick some butts! I used to procrastinate and avoid things, now I'm getting stuff done.
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