pushed too hard

So, it was Friday we hung out and it was awkard and nothing was said.  Saturday and Sunday we had online chats for hours about nothing at all, tv shows and sci-fi books.  Monday I got my car and wrote to tell him.  He was a little bit mean about it 'god help us all!' sort of jokes, and one other exchange about him winning the lotto also got a bit of a snippy comment which he then retracted.
But I was going crazy from the uncertainty and pushed on.  Thursday night he had said such vulnerable things, seemed so sad and affectionate, it seems liked we were just a breath away from getting back together.
I started out with 'We're doing the friends thing' and he said 'there's a but in that sentence'
I should have asked more questions about why it happened, instead of leading with an ultimatum.
Because it turned into me going 'don't throw this away' and him saying 'it's broken'
It was not very dignified.

I shouldn't even be thinking so much about strategy.  If he wanted to be here, he'd be here.
I fought for him as much as I could.

Not sure what to do now.  I'm looking for places to live, with roommates, and a bunch of nice sounding ones turn out to be mere blocks from his place (where we used to live together).  That would be crazy-making, to know he was so close, to see his car...

I want to start writing to people on dating sites, just to force myself to move on, but I know I'm not healed and I wish I had the housing/job stuff more figured out.

So much work to do.  So sad right now.

he doesn't know what he wants

I felt like I was being jerked around by his vagueness of reasons, his suggestions that things could change in a few months.  I wrote an angry email saying no more, I'm done.

He apologized.  He said he was confused, that my letter to him was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for him.  And then we started talking.  I forgave everything instantly.

He said the reason was that I wasn't going after what I want, that he got tired of watching me drop the ball, tired of me being unhappy.

There have been several long chats (using online messaging) this week about the problems in our relationship.  Last night's was four hours and made us both cry.
He said he didn't know what he wanted from a relationship.  I asked if he knew what I wanted.
His answer:  Comfort.  Companionship.  sex.  intimacy.  apple crumble.
Not bad, actually.  He knows me better than I give him credit for.

At one point I joked we should go for late night donuts.

I asked if he would see me, and he hesitated.
Later he asked what I meant.  "Not your house.  Somewhere neutral. We talk in person, like we're doing now."

This morning, he asked if we could go get those donuts.
So plans were made for late afternoon.  And when I tried to hug him he drew back.
And we spent several hours together, in public places, shopping, eating.  He shared his food with me. I told him little tidbits about work and family and BUYING THE CAR THIS WEEKEND!

It was awkward and so familiar.
And then when it was time to go home, we hadn't talked, he had a tummy ache and we just looked at each other sadly.  So much torment.

When i got home I wrote 'all this talking has to lead to a mutual decision to separate or we fumble our way back to each other'.

He said, 'I blame today's failure on my upset tummy'

So....what was that?

his answer

He wrote back today.  I read it in a mall, on my phone.
Well, it's no use.

He said he decided early in January to end it but waited until a certain project of mine had launched. Just to remind you, he proposed in mid December.  So I had about two weeks of a real engagement, and one month of walking around wearing a meaningless ring.  January was so shit.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I cried all the time.

The email goes on to say that I should just work on me, for my own sake and not so we get back together.  He won't tell me what the problem was.  Is it better to know or not?

He does talk about hoping we could still be friends and then he talks in a complicated way about second chances...he's not saying no, but he needs to move on, he doesn't want to promise me that, and yet he ends with let's come back to this in two or three months when we're healed.

Not cool, not cool.  I have to go away and fix myself and maybe we'll get back together but he doesn't have to tell me what to work on or talk about how he might have contributed to our problems.

Why do i even want him back?

uncertainty and waiting

it's been six weeks.
I am still at my mother's.  I am trying to buy a car, but the process is slow.
I am working too much.

I have seen Nerdboy a few times.  He's sent texts that suggest he's in conflict about this too.
When we see each other, it's been for practical reasons, and he's made excuses to stretch it longer. Oh wait, I do too.  One Saturday we saw each other four times (for 'forgotten' items')

Last week I got a 'do you hate me?' text in the middle of the night and I decided it was time to stop 'poking' at each other's feelings and just talk.

I wrote a big letter....in internet memes.
Hey, I was trying to speak his language.

And the day after I sent it, we had to meet to separate a shared account.  and I asked him if he'd read it, and he sort of avoided the question...he'd read parts of it, he seemed to approve of the meme-gimmick, he went on about a hidden meaning I'd missed from a meme I used....
Two days later he wrote that he had read it and needed time but he intended to respond.

I should be mad.  I should be telling him I deserve better.
I think he's going through some sort of crisis.  I can't be mad.  Doesn't make him a good partner.

Just now I remembered a fight we had about me using 'his' craft table.  You have to understand how small our apartment was- other than the coffee table and our two computer desks, that was the only flat surface.

And even though I've been missing him and yearning for him and being absolutely willing to work through this together, tonight I'm thinking a man who won't let his fiancee sit at the only table in the apartment isn't good enough for me.