Nerdboy is being quite supportive and I couldn't do this without him. I hope it's just not gratitude and economic need that keeps me with him.
I think he's a little frustrated with me today. Yesterday I was preparing to teach a workshop and was frazzled, melted a spatula on the stove because I turned on the wrong element. And then I put something in the fridge that leaked everywhere... The workshop went well at least!
He hasn't said 'I love you' for a bit... not directly. He's said 'love you too' when I've said it to him, in that automatic 'yes dear' sort of way. I'm trying not to be weird about this but I've started being hyper aware of the absence of those words. Is it better to say it all the time or to save it for special moments?
He's affectionate and wants cuddles all the time so perhaps I should stop overthinking everything.
A few days ago I said I wanted to watch an old movie, a rare one that I love. Nerdboy had downloaded it months ago. He said I could watch it alone. I said very quietly, 'I want to watch it with you.' I was super hurt for the rest of the evening but I'm so bad at saying what I feel. I composed a speech in my head about what I was going to say. I'm watching the complete Star Trek franchise, movies and tv series (in order) to please him. I think he can watch one old movie, and not reject it before he even knows anything about it.
I didn't say anything that day. In the darkness in bed he started talking about a hard period in his life and then it didn't seem like the moment to change the subject.
~~~
Sex is going okay but still no orgasm.
I read two books.
Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming by Lou Paget.
There was a section (with pictures) of different masturbation techniques and different positions. We only tried a few, not good results. I felt like the book's message was 'try stuff until you have one!'
I also read 'Thanks for Coming' by Mara Altman which was her personal story of trying to have an organism. She was around 25 years old I think, lost her virginity at 17, her parents were really open about sex, her dad is a sex therapist... but she wouldn't touch herself. I'm pretty prudish, but even I was super frustrated that she was writing this whole book without doing step 1.
She goes on some wild adventures, really weird stuff. I don't know if I got anything out of it except to be reminded I'm really really vanilla.
~~~
Nerdboy won't use tongue when he kisses.
I don't get it. He's done almost every sexual act you can think of, he'll put his mouth lots of other places...he'll suck on my nose as a joke and I think that's gross...
All I want is the tip of my tongue to touch the tip of his tongue and roll around one or twice.
The only other person I ever kissed had a half-paralyzed mouth.
Nerdboy said I was too aggressive with my tongue. Then he'd dartingly thrust his tongue into my mouth exaggeratedly to demonstrate. He said, 'I'll have to teach you to French kiss'.
So we tried, and it was a disaster. He just giggled and said he didn't remember how to do it.
I've tried a few times to venture my tongue out and he told me it wasn't sexy.
But I'm so bored with his kisses, and when we have sex, sometimes we kiss but just as often we don't.
We've never really made out.
~~~
All my worries, written out.
I don't have relationship experience to draw on. I'm so insecure, and Nerdboy has his share of issues.
Reading this back, our relationship seems a little strange and I wonder what readers will think of Nerdboy.
Of course I've highlighted the lows and not the highs so that skews things.
Reading this back, our relationship seems a little strange and I wonder what readers will think of Nerdboy.
Of course I've highlighted the lows and not the highs so that skews things.
