I wrote a big post when Nerdboy and I had our first big fight, but decided not to publish it. I don't even know what started the fight. My friends said it sounded like he was 'manstruating' because he was just in a mood and it blew up in my bewildered face.
I have so much to do this week but I feel like I need to get my thoughts in order. I left my purse at someone's house last night and am somewhat stranded without my wallet.
I am still underemployed and even though I went out and found some small teaching gigs, the amount of time I put into prepping and travelling means they're probably not worth the effort. I'm trying to work on making money as an artist and maybe doing the craft business thing as well. Many different ideas, energy going in so many directions, lots to do, not a lot of income at the moment. It's on my mind all the time, I never just take a day off. It's all I talk about with my friends, I hope they bear with me. My network of friends and acquaintances have been fairly supportive so fair. Nerdboy's been amazing, although sometimes he freaks out and a little while ago he did complain about not getting weekends with me.
I met a young woman who's starting a non-profit organization and is looking for a partner. I'm meeting with her this week. I really want to do it. I haven't exactly told Nerdboy how seriously I'm considering it. It will take probably 3 years before the non-profit got stabilized enough to pay ourselves proper wages, and it will be a constant struggle to keep an arts-focused non-profit afloat. But I'm so angry at the world these days, and I need to do something I feel good about. Life with Nerdboy has been a bit reclusive, I work odd hours and am tired and happy to spend evenings on the couch with him instead of all the volunteering and clubs I used to attend.
Nerdboy. I'm quite happy with our day-to-day life. I hope it's not just the novelty of living with someone for the first time. I get excited about grocery shopping together, I ogle him when he comes out the shower (ha, pervert!), I grin at him when we're reading in bed together. He thinks I'm weird but I think he's flattered.
Sometimes I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach though- he's not what I wanted. He's not scrupulously ethical, he's not on board with the green living thing, he doesn't even donate to charity! I wanted someone more concerned with others, with giving back. I don't think he's a bad person, I think he's just trying to live his little life. He's been through some stuff and I think he believes he gets to indulge himself for his own happiness...it's a big jump to get to happy through not thinking about yourself. I'm not there yet either but I can at least glimpse the possibilities.
anyways. I think about this stuff a lot.
I'm pretty angry these days, as I said. I secretly flip the bird to every SUV and big truck that passes. Just a little twitch of the middle finger. I don't know why I do it. It's probably causing me distress, I realize it does nothing, much as I'd like to believe in karma. But its my accounting of how much work has to be done. Our society has no connection to the Earth, no idea where things come from or where they go when they're done, no thought of future generations. Even if you don't believe in climate change, you can believe in rising gas prices as you burn the stuff up!
And I'm a bit obsessed with overpopulation (I did a report on the subject in high school.) When did the Earth reach 1 billion humans? 1863. We've doubled twice since then. So I frown a bit when people announce the birth of their third... It's not their fault. They love their children, and every living thing wants to pass on its genes. There's enough food, life seems good, and so they reproduce.
I haven't dealt with the fact that I probably am jealous. I never experienced love and sex, and my female parts don't totally work right (PCOS). I never allowed myself to imagine being a mother, I just didn't think about it. And then I met Nerdboy and finally had sex and immediately he got a vasectomy before I even had time to get used to the idea of pregnancy being a possibility. So the decision was made for me. Not that I have to stay with Nerdboy forever but it is the path I'm on at the moment.
I have accepted the fact that children are not in my future. I think the future is full of big changes for mankind and scary ones. It's very depressing. But yesterday we were in the car after a family dinner and somehow started talking about whether it was selfless or selfish to remain childless. Apparently a lot of people with kids think childless people are selfish. And yes, parenting is a lot of work and unpleasantness and sacrifice. I agree. But is it selfless to make a child if you know you could pass on a genetic disease? Would a parent choose to rescue their own child over saving multiple others? There is a little bit of ego in passing on your genes.
Enough philosophizing....the point is, Nerdboy claimed that children were poop-machines that didn't have personalities until the age of five. As a teacher, and devoted aunt, I disagreed vehemently. And I said, "There's a part of me that's sad I won't be a mother and I don't think you get that!" He was surprised, said I'd never said anything. (I have, I remember clearly because it was hard for me to say, but he didn't register what I said or how much emotion was behind it. And he's forgotten that I wasn't totally comfortable with the vasectomy idea.) I would prefer a man who wanted children, or at least chose not to have them for the same reasons as me, not just because babies soil their diapers and it's icky.
I realized that maybe I'm so angry about the state of the environment because I feel like my future is gone. I should feel nothing if I have no children, I can use all the resources I want because when I'm gone, it's other people's problems. But I'm trying to live lightly and have chosen voluntary extinction. And that's the saddest thing possible- the thought of the end of our species. I am going against every instinct to reproduce. I am sad for the children I won't have and for what today's children are going to inherit.
We didn't really talk for the rest of the trip, and we went to our computers when we got home. Later in bed he asked what was up but I have such trouble telling him what's on my mind. He's not empathetic, I can't tell how much he understands. I felt my eyes watering so I just cuddled him. I said, 'How much do we hide from each other?" He joked, "was I having an affair?"... Not at all what I meant. He said he was mostly honest with me, except he didn't want to burden me. He said something about things that were too heavy or I wouldn't care about. I should have pressed him to say more but we went to sleep.
I have been wishing we'd talk more. I imagined staying up all night sharing ideas and deep secrets with a lover. I long for intense conversations. This hasn't happened. I wish he would be vulnerable with me. I am a little with him, but I hide so much from him. I don't know why, relationships are new to me and I guess I think it's better to not rock the boat?
I don't know how to initiate sex and I seem to think about it more than he does. (And he told me he was so sexual!) If we go more than three day, I'm hoping for it, and disappointed, but I don't say anything. Although two weeks ago I made a plan in the morning to suggest he use the vibrator on me and finally just before bed I blurted it out and um...it went much better than expected.
I still can't orgasm. Since that night though, we'll have sex and he'll have his finish and then he'll focus on me for as long as I want. It can be an hour of just his hands or the vibrator, and I'm able to feel pleasure that I didn't think was possible last year, but still no orgasm. But it's something we're working on together and that feels reassuring.
Sometimes I do seem to feel some despair about sex though. Whatever coping mechanisms I came up with during those years of celibacy have messed me up a little, and they've not totally dropped away.
Life has changed so much and who I am is being shaken up a bit. Living with someone certainly reveals one's flaws. I don't think I'd trade this life but it's still fitting like new shoes that need breaking in.
