just some thoughts to myself. when i'm sad I hate to be alone. My friends all checked up on me last week, but tonight no one is answering and today has been rough.
I work 6 days a week, and since the break up I've had things to do on my day off as well. So not time to process, my work needs me to be 'on' and smiling.
Last weekend Nerdboy drove boxes of stuff to mom's. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time and we unloaded the boxes. That went ok, so I went back with him for the second load. We sort of know how to be around each other, sitting in the passenger seat felt normal, and yet everything was changed I did ask him how he was doing, who he'd told, if he drank (just once, he said)....There was a third trip to the recycling depot and he stopped by his, formerly our, place. I sat in the car. He came back with a sandwich for me and I lost it. Waaaaah, he's being nice to me.
Then laughed. "It's really hard to cry and eat"
I also saw him briefly Sunday when I went by for forgotten items. I had a horrible experience, I'm running these recycling workshops and rented a large venue. Then the venue got all mad because I had used some plates from the kitchen. They wouldn't let me wash them. There's more to the story, but anyways- I ranted to him about it.
How easily we could slip into being friends...I thought.
is that good or bad?
Monday there was texting about a craigslist item. He said he'd be happy if he sold three items. I snarked about him being happy. Silence for a few days. One practical texting about mail today.
Right, because everybody needs the play by play of every interaction.
The point is, I hate being at Mom's. I don't think I can forgive him for dumping me here. If you're not here for the bad times, why would I come back to you when I'm more successful?
And was I getting what I want? Not kisses, not sex, not emotional closeness, not even a friggin' 'How was your day?' There was friendship, there was affection, there were small kindnesses but I waited so long to be loved. I wanted to be adored.
I hate the thought of starting over, but maybe it's good if I sleep with more than one man in my life. Maybe I could find someone who is so interested in me we stay up all night talking...And hey, maybe I'd find someone who actually likes kissing with tongue.
I opened an OK Cupid account just now. No picture, no profile, just a lurker. Gosh, everyone is so good looking. Only a few people I recognized from last time I had an account. A lot of polyamory, don't think that's my thing.
I look like shit right now. Size 14, almost 200 pounds. Scruffy thrift store clothes.
And yet, one bright side, work continues to pour in. I don't have the energy these opportunities deserve, but I can't let them go by.
Thursday, 11 February 2016
Wednesday, 3 February 2016
Break-Up Posts are the Worst...
Post break-up analysis:
The sads have lessened, anger has moved in.
At least I have friends checking in on me, and everyone's got their opinion. Some are pro-Nerdboy, some think I should move on.
But I still would go back in a second. Despite what you're about to read.
~~~
I'm at my mothers, in the suburbs. Her house is a mess (a disaster) and she's looking after my sister's 15 year old dog. The dog paces constantly, waiting for her master to come back (still another week on my sister's holiday). My 12 hour a week commute to work is now going to be 17.
I'm almost flat broke, and it's the beginning of the month, so who knows when I can find an apartment. I might be here a while. I guess I'll clean mom's house.
~~~
My sister said to tell him my side, to tell him I wasn't giving up.
So I wrote him a letter.
It was very tear-stained, but I think I said stuff like "Both Walrus and (platonic friendship that ended in massive fight eight years ago) Elaine told me I made them feel not good enough for me."
I don't know what it is, what am I doing? Is this a pattern? I can be so righteous, so holier-than-thou.
Granted these people have been a bit broken, each in their own way, and my expectations might not have been entirely the problem.
But I suspect Nerdboy has Aspergers or some sort of unique brain wiring that doesn't work the way I expect it to, and he knows that and it's painful for him. From reading the autism forums, I could see his side- no one wants to be always coached and corrected and feel 'wrong' their whole life.
Not that I've ever even breathed the 'A' word to him.
I said I didn't want my dreams to come at the cost of his. (re: me not having a steady income)
I said I don't get how your brain works but I think you did show you love(d) me. But you were a bit unpredictable and I spent a lot of time trying to react to your brain, overreacting probably, my little ship always tipping over in your waves.
I said I did love him and had agreed to marry him with joy and with clear eyes.
~~~
Sleepless night. The next morning I felt a bit foolish about the letter, worried I hadn't said enough about finding stable work. There was a reply from him in my email, which I read at 6am.
And at the time I accepted what he said and felt at peace. (Hey, 6am brain is not the sharpest.)
And I went through my day with a smiley mask on, but in the back of my mind I was turning it over.
(please excuse the pronoun trouble here.)
His response: We are stagnating. He feels trapped. I (Eleanor) don't know what I want from him or from life, and he's been waiting two years. I need to figure my shit out, I need to work on me, he doesn't want to push those decisions. I talk about changes and don't do them, he feels he can't rely on me.
Maybe we can get back together if you get your shit together, maybe not. We don't work and he can't go back to the way it was.
That is the bare bones of it, he did pad it a little so that on the first read all I got was that there was a chance we could get back together (ever hopeful...)
I said I needed to think about it. And now I think a break is good. For both of us.
I have a lot to say about it, but haven't replied.
1 Stagnating since...you proposed six weeks ago?
2. And what did you do about it, good sir? Did you peep one fucking peep to your beloved wife to be?
3. Don't know what I want? I've asked you for what I want, over and over: shows of affection. check-ins about my day, challenge each other, ask about my plans, my dreams. Did you tell me what you wanted from me or from life? I asked you repeatedly.
4. Yes I have been bouncing around job-wise for two years, but I've also started a small business that is doing ok, and there's been a learning curve. Can you not see my achievements, my growth? heck, you were my first long term relationship and I had no choice but to grow and no idea what I was doing.
5. Yes we talked about me going into (blank) industry but in my heart I didn't want to do that, I was only agreeing to it because a. I was tired of the instability of my income and b I thought it would make our relationship better if i was less stressed and we had a bigger apartment.
6.You can't rely on me for what exactly? I'm not an irresponsible person, I just am trying to be an artist which is a difficult path.
7. WHY DID YOU PROPOSE? WHY?
So, anger. Legitimate anger I think. He sees me as chaos, because he needs order. he doesn't see my work as work, he doesn't see the obstacles I'm facing. He makes me pay 50% of everything even though his income is twice mine. We didn't even buy furniture together, I paid for the dresser we share.
So before I was scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan to get off this poverty cycle, lose 30 pounds and desperately trying to figure out why my relationship was failing.
Now I'm scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan, lose 30 pounds, get over a broken heart, decide to fight for him or move on, clean my hoarder-mother's house, and commuting 2 or 3 hours a day for a few hours of teaching (six days a week).
So thanks, Nerdboy. I guess I'll 'work on me' then. Nowhere to go but up at this point.
Question 8: if you can't stick with me in my troubled times, how can a marriage last?
~~~
He has messaged me throughout the day 'Your family must think I'm awful'. 'Darn I didn't get to watch that DVD collection I gave your for Christmas' (that went over like a ton of bricks) Then a link about a nose cleaning spray....
Tonight he dropped off boxes of my stuff at my moms. we didn't talk. just an awkward pause at the door. 'Guess i'll talk to you later then', he said.
~~~
I am slightly worried that I am unreliable. I seem to get into scrapes and crises. Elaine had to get me out of some deadline jams, my mom took my dog and the pile of crap I left behind, Nerdboy always had to cover my rent or drive me around.
The sads have lessened, anger has moved in.
At least I have friends checking in on me, and everyone's got their opinion. Some are pro-Nerdboy, some think I should move on.
But I still would go back in a second. Despite what you're about to read.
~~~
I'm at my mothers, in the suburbs. Her house is a mess (a disaster) and she's looking after my sister's 15 year old dog. The dog paces constantly, waiting for her master to come back (still another week on my sister's holiday). My 12 hour a week commute to work is now going to be 17.
I'm almost flat broke, and it's the beginning of the month, so who knows when I can find an apartment. I might be here a while. I guess I'll clean mom's house.
~~~
My sister said to tell him my side, to tell him I wasn't giving up.
So I wrote him a letter.
It was very tear-stained, but I think I said stuff like "Both Walrus and (platonic friendship that ended in massive fight eight years ago) Elaine told me I made them feel not good enough for me."
I don't know what it is, what am I doing? Is this a pattern? I can be so righteous, so holier-than-thou.
Granted these people have been a bit broken, each in their own way, and my expectations might not have been entirely the problem.
But I suspect Nerdboy has Aspergers or some sort of unique brain wiring that doesn't work the way I expect it to, and he knows that and it's painful for him. From reading the autism forums, I could see his side- no one wants to be always coached and corrected and feel 'wrong' their whole life.
Not that I've ever even breathed the 'A' word to him.
I said I didn't want my dreams to come at the cost of his. (re: me not having a steady income)
I said I don't get how your brain works but I think you did show you love(d) me. But you were a bit unpredictable and I spent a lot of time trying to react to your brain, overreacting probably, my little ship always tipping over in your waves.
I said I did love him and had agreed to marry him with joy and with clear eyes.
~~~
Sleepless night. The next morning I felt a bit foolish about the letter, worried I hadn't said enough about finding stable work. There was a reply from him in my email, which I read at 6am.
And at the time I accepted what he said and felt at peace. (Hey, 6am brain is not the sharpest.)
And I went through my day with a smiley mask on, but in the back of my mind I was turning it over.
(please excuse the pronoun trouble here.)
His response: We are stagnating. He feels trapped. I (Eleanor) don't know what I want from him or from life, and he's been waiting two years. I need to figure my shit out, I need to work on me, he doesn't want to push those decisions. I talk about changes and don't do them, he feels he can't rely on me.
Maybe we can get back together if you get your shit together, maybe not. We don't work and he can't go back to the way it was.
That is the bare bones of it, he did pad it a little so that on the first read all I got was that there was a chance we could get back together (ever hopeful...)
I said I needed to think about it. And now I think a break is good. For both of us.
I have a lot to say about it, but haven't replied.
1 Stagnating since...you proposed six weeks ago?
2. And what did you do about it, good sir? Did you peep one fucking peep to your beloved wife to be?
3. Don't know what I want? I've asked you for what I want, over and over: shows of affection. check-ins about my day, challenge each other, ask about my plans, my dreams. Did you tell me what you wanted from me or from life? I asked you repeatedly.
4. Yes I have been bouncing around job-wise for two years, but I've also started a small business that is doing ok, and there's been a learning curve. Can you not see my achievements, my growth? heck, you were my first long term relationship and I had no choice but to grow and no idea what I was doing.
5. Yes we talked about me going into (blank) industry but in my heart I didn't want to do that, I was only agreeing to it because a. I was tired of the instability of my income and b I thought it would make our relationship better if i was less stressed and we had a bigger apartment.
6.You can't rely on me for what exactly? I'm not an irresponsible person, I just am trying to be an artist which is a difficult path.
7. WHY DID YOU PROPOSE? WHY?
So, anger. Legitimate anger I think. He sees me as chaos, because he needs order. he doesn't see my work as work, he doesn't see the obstacles I'm facing. He makes me pay 50% of everything even though his income is twice mine. We didn't even buy furniture together, I paid for the dresser we share.
So before I was scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan to get off this poverty cycle, lose 30 pounds and desperately trying to figure out why my relationship was failing.
Now I'm scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan, lose 30 pounds, get over a broken heart, decide to fight for him or move on, clean my hoarder-mother's house, and commuting 2 or 3 hours a day for a few hours of teaching (six days a week).
So thanks, Nerdboy. I guess I'll 'work on me' then. Nowhere to go but up at this point.
Question 8: if you can't stick with me in my troubled times, how can a marriage last?
~~~
He has messaged me throughout the day 'Your family must think I'm awful'. 'Darn I didn't get to watch that DVD collection I gave your for Christmas' (that went over like a ton of bricks) Then a link about a nose cleaning spray....
Tonight he dropped off boxes of my stuff at my moms. we didn't talk. just an awkward pause at the door. 'Guess i'll talk to you later then', he said.
~~~
I am slightly worried that I am unreliable. I seem to get into scrapes and crises. Elaine had to get me out of some deadline jams, my mom took my dog and the pile of crap I left behind, Nerdboy always had to cover my rent or drive me around.
Monday, 1 February 2016
crisis
Last night Nerdboy sat on the couch with his hands folded, I was putting some sweatpants on...I looked at him and knew it was bad. He said, "I want to break up". I swore.
I wasn't shocked, maybe a moment of relief that I wasn't the only one hurting.
But pretty much started crying. the whole evening, the whole night, the whole morning.
he said stuff like, "I can't make you happy, I can't be what you want. I wish we were just best friends because I want you in my life, I really care about you, I haven't been close to anyone in a long time"
I said really articulate stuff like, "Fuck. Nooooo. Nooooooo."
I had so many doubts and then he pulls the plug and I dig in and refuse to accept it.
Because I do love him? Because I can't stand more rejection and failure?
As it was only 7pm in the evening, we played MarioKart and I cried while playing.
He slept on the couch, I on the bed.
I guess tonight I'll go to my mom's.
Oh fuck. I don't want to give up my little life, I don't want to start over, I don't want to hurt him.
I wasn't shocked, maybe a moment of relief that I wasn't the only one hurting.
But pretty much started crying. the whole evening, the whole night, the whole morning.
he said stuff like, "I can't make you happy, I can't be what you want. I wish we were just best friends because I want you in my life, I really care about you, I haven't been close to anyone in a long time"
I said really articulate stuff like, "Fuck. Nooooo. Nooooooo."
I had so many doubts and then he pulls the plug and I dig in and refuse to accept it.
Because I do love him? Because I can't stand more rejection and failure?
As it was only 7pm in the evening, we played MarioKart and I cried while playing.
He slept on the couch, I on the bed.
I guess tonight I'll go to my mom's.
Oh fuck. I don't want to give up my little life, I don't want to start over, I don't want to hurt him.
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
a rare update
Ok. So this is where things are at.
Dec 16th. I went to a meeting and Nerdboy surprised me by picking me up. We played a board game when we got home. While we were playing, he looked at me and said, "Is this really what you want?" "What?" He gestured around the room. "This." I said, Yes. And I meant it. I was happy playing board games, happy with our little life.
He went over to his dresser and pulled out the ring box (the ring he's been hiding since August)
and I cried and he asked if I would marry him and I said yes. And it seemed ok. I was happy. I was wanted.
I showed people my ring and my friends seemed happier about it than I was. "I know he really loves you" or when I let on I was freaked out I was reassured with "if he's your best friend, if you can't imagine your life without him...."
So much doubt
I thought we'd dream and scheme together but with the bustle of the holidays and me trying to get some new work projects going, we've just been ships passing in the night... or extra grumpy with each other.
I'll walk up and stand in front of him, demanding kisses or hugs...sometimes he steps backwards and my heart breaks. I cry at night sometimes, or in the bathroom. That shouldn't be happening to a bride to be.
I am reading about Asperger's again this morning and it explains so much. Yup, yup, yup, everything on the list is typical Nerdboy. Doesn't show affection easily, doesn't respond when I'm upset, doesn't know what topics interest me in small talk, likes his own company, is brutally brutally honest, doesn't have friends....
can i do a lifetime of this? I've been asking for these things from him for two years...
In his defense, he has 'got my back' as Friend in the North says. He helps me out with all my crazy projects, he has been my support through learning to have sex, through lost jobs and family drama... I feel like I don't have much to offer him, in a practical sense- I'm not bringing in income or doing much domestic chores...I feel like I offer him some companionship and emotional stuff, a way to interact with the world, but I can't quite name it.
Reminding myself that his brain works differently helps but oh the effort it is going to take to make this work.
Dec 16th. I went to a meeting and Nerdboy surprised me by picking me up. We played a board game when we got home. While we were playing, he looked at me and said, "Is this really what you want?" "What?" He gestured around the room. "This." I said, Yes. And I meant it. I was happy playing board games, happy with our little life.
He went over to his dresser and pulled out the ring box (the ring he's been hiding since August)
and I cried and he asked if I would marry him and I said yes. And it seemed ok. I was happy. I was wanted.
I showed people my ring and my friends seemed happier about it than I was. "I know he really loves you" or when I let on I was freaked out I was reassured with "if he's your best friend, if you can't imagine your life without him...."
So much doubt
I thought we'd dream and scheme together but with the bustle of the holidays and me trying to get some new work projects going, we've just been ships passing in the night... or extra grumpy with each other.
I'll walk up and stand in front of him, demanding kisses or hugs...sometimes he steps backwards and my heart breaks. I cry at night sometimes, or in the bathroom. That shouldn't be happening to a bride to be.
I am reading about Asperger's again this morning and it explains so much. Yup, yup, yup, everything on the list is typical Nerdboy. Doesn't show affection easily, doesn't respond when I'm upset, doesn't know what topics interest me in small talk, likes his own company, is brutally brutally honest, doesn't have friends....
can i do a lifetime of this? I've been asking for these things from him for two years...
In his defense, he has 'got my back' as Friend in the North says. He helps me out with all my crazy projects, he has been my support through learning to have sex, through lost jobs and family drama... I feel like I don't have much to offer him, in a practical sense- I'm not bringing in income or doing much domestic chores...I feel like I offer him some companionship and emotional stuff, a way to interact with the world, but I can't quite name it.
Reminding myself that his brain works differently helps but oh the effort it is going to take to make this work.
Tuesday, 1 December 2015
stalled again
I have so much to do but need to think things out. You see, Nerdboy asked me to marry him this summer. The ring was ordered in August, and I waited and it was never presented to me. and he stopped talking about wedding plans. I felt like I imagined the whole thing.
Once I said so- 'Where is my ring? I must have dreamt this.' He just said nothing.
During this whole fall, I have been battling a horrible lung infection, always coughing. I spent a lot of money on medication, and missed a lot of work (and I don't get paid sick days) It cost me about $1000 I figure. Plus I actually had two big freelance projects, both still not finished because I've been too tired to work on them.
So, stress.
And Nerdboy has been both amazing, and unsympathetic. He has made me soup, and tea, and rubbed my back, but he also thinks I should work through the illness. The cough has come in three waves, I'll have a week where it gets almost better, but I can feel the signs of it coming back and I walk around saying 'FUCK FUCK FUCK I CAN'T STILL BE SICK'. Nerdboy would say stuff like, 'It's just a cough.' It is NOT JUST A COUGH. I cough until I wheeze, sometimes until I throw up.
Despite being sick for over three months, I have my own business of art tutoring, six days a week, and I started a series of green living workshops, which I do for free.
One Saturday morning about a month ago, I had been feeling better, but felt a burning sore throat- Not again! I started crying in bed. I was cuddling Nerdboy and I said, 'I'm not doing okay'. Saturday is my worst work day, I have three teaching gigs and I run all over the city for five hours of work. I had been trying to push all my projects forward, and just didn't want to have to be strong any more. Nerdboy let me lie on his shoulder but he didn't say anything, didn't squeeze me tight. I felt so rejected, I rolled over to the wall and went into foetal position and just lost it, sobbed heavily. He lay there beside me and didn't speak or move.
He shuts down when I cry.
And I choked out some words- Nerdboy. How do you feel when I cry.
No answer.
Are you mad at me?
No.
It feels like you're mad.
I was holding you. You rolled away.
I felt rejected
And so it went, I do all the emotional work through my tears, I just have to say how I'm feeling until he finds something he can respond to and then he's back to being wonderful. He unfreezes. It's bizarre. He gathers me up in his arms, tells me jokes, lets me blubber, is human again.
Somewhere in all this I spit it out- Are we engaged?
heavy sigh from him: I have the ring and I put it aside for now. You had a plan to get into (another field of work) and you haven't done anything.
I can't remember what he said, but the gist of it is that I need a job before he'll marry me. Well, that's the message I got. He did say, Hey I'm still here. We're together.
And I haven't dealt with that at all.
Honestly, at the tear-soaked time, I accepted his answer. At least I wasn't making up the whole proposal thing. Relationships seem to get into a weird logic of their own. My friends talk about stuff that I wouldn't put up with, but look at what I do accept in mine and Nerdboy's!
The next day I rethought it and was pissed! So, what is the minimum income I need to hit to be your partner?
But, I can also see his side. We've been together more than two years. I don't have my shit together. I always owe him money (but I do pay my share.) We don't even dream of a bigger apartment, or travel. I have a crying breakdown every two months from the work situations I've gotten into. (I've lost or left 4 jobs in two years, including one that was a big legal fight). I don't want him to have to work a boring job, and do all the cooking, while I follow my dreams and have big drama and small success, at his expense.
I'm not happy in working in the arts the way I am. He suggested (other field) as a way to use my skills in a more stable environment, even if the end product is not really high on artistic merit.
it hasn't been talked about since. We are loving to each other, day to day life is the same. But I want a deep talk about the future and what he needs from me, and what I need from him. Being engaged was fun at first, now it's a mess.
Once I said so- 'Where is my ring? I must have dreamt this.' He just said nothing.
During this whole fall, I have been battling a horrible lung infection, always coughing. I spent a lot of money on medication, and missed a lot of work (and I don't get paid sick days) It cost me about $1000 I figure. Plus I actually had two big freelance projects, both still not finished because I've been too tired to work on them.
So, stress.
And Nerdboy has been both amazing, and unsympathetic. He has made me soup, and tea, and rubbed my back, but he also thinks I should work through the illness. The cough has come in three waves, I'll have a week where it gets almost better, but I can feel the signs of it coming back and I walk around saying 'FUCK FUCK FUCK I CAN'T STILL BE SICK'. Nerdboy would say stuff like, 'It's just a cough.' It is NOT JUST A COUGH. I cough until I wheeze, sometimes until I throw up.
Despite being sick for over three months, I have my own business of art tutoring, six days a week, and I started a series of green living workshops, which I do for free.
One Saturday morning about a month ago, I had been feeling better, but felt a burning sore throat- Not again! I started crying in bed. I was cuddling Nerdboy and I said, 'I'm not doing okay'. Saturday is my worst work day, I have three teaching gigs and I run all over the city for five hours of work. I had been trying to push all my projects forward, and just didn't want to have to be strong any more. Nerdboy let me lie on his shoulder but he didn't say anything, didn't squeeze me tight. I felt so rejected, I rolled over to the wall and went into foetal position and just lost it, sobbed heavily. He lay there beside me and didn't speak or move.
He shuts down when I cry.
And I choked out some words- Nerdboy. How do you feel when I cry.
No answer.
Are you mad at me?
No.
It feels like you're mad.
I was holding you. You rolled away.
I felt rejected
And so it went, I do all the emotional work through my tears, I just have to say how I'm feeling until he finds something he can respond to and then he's back to being wonderful. He unfreezes. It's bizarre. He gathers me up in his arms, tells me jokes, lets me blubber, is human again.
Somewhere in all this I spit it out- Are we engaged?
heavy sigh from him: I have the ring and I put it aside for now. You had a plan to get into (another field of work) and you haven't done anything.
I can't remember what he said, but the gist of it is that I need a job before he'll marry me. Well, that's the message I got. He did say, Hey I'm still here. We're together.
And I haven't dealt with that at all.
Honestly, at the tear-soaked time, I accepted his answer. At least I wasn't making up the whole proposal thing. Relationships seem to get into a weird logic of their own. My friends talk about stuff that I wouldn't put up with, but look at what I do accept in mine and Nerdboy's!
The next day I rethought it and was pissed! So, what is the minimum income I need to hit to be your partner?
But, I can also see his side. We've been together more than two years. I don't have my shit together. I always owe him money (but I do pay my share.) We don't even dream of a bigger apartment, or travel. I have a crying breakdown every two months from the work situations I've gotten into. (I've lost or left 4 jobs in two years, including one that was a big legal fight). I don't want him to have to work a boring job, and do all the cooking, while I follow my dreams and have big drama and small success, at his expense.
I'm not happy in working in the arts the way I am. He suggested (other field) as a way to use my skills in a more stable environment, even if the end product is not really high on artistic merit.
it hasn't been talked about since. We are loving to each other, day to day life is the same. But I want a deep talk about the future and what he needs from me, and what I need from him. Being engaged was fun at first, now it's a mess.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Engaged
I don't know if anybody still reads this blog but here goes.
Nerdboy asked me to marry him and I said yes.
It wasn't much of a proposal. We were sitting on the couch watching Big Bang Theory, I was slightly grumpy at him because two characters in the show were fighting and he had taken the male character's side, and I the woman's. There was silence. I was doodling or something. He looked at me and said 'will you marry me?' I said 'yes' immediately and then looked at him and he asked me again and I said, yes, yes!
Then he said, you drive me nuts but I love you love you love you.
So, next summer we will be married in a private ceremony, possibly while travelling, and then have a reception and surprise everybody.
It feels nice.
Nerdboy asked me to marry him and I said yes.
It wasn't much of a proposal. We were sitting on the couch watching Big Bang Theory, I was slightly grumpy at him because two characters in the show were fighting and he had taken the male character's side, and I the woman's. There was silence. I was doodling or something. He looked at me and said 'will you marry me?' I said 'yes' immediately and then looked at him and he asked me again and I said, yes, yes!
Then he said, you drive me nuts but I love you love you love you.
So, next summer we will be married in a private ceremony, possibly while travelling, and then have a reception and surprise everybody.
It feels nice.
Tuesday, 28 April 2015
update
More of the same, really.
Job. I work at a big box hardware store. It's actually not bad. Did a short stint at big-box craft store, hated it. The prices are marked up 800%-1000% of what they paid for it, so when customers talked to me I didn't want to help them-I wanted to warn them.
So I'm doing a mix of the hardware store and teaching art. I can just squeak by. It's not a long term solution.
Art: not sure what to do next. I've been quite busy dealing with a bunch of Life Stuff.
The Labour Dispute: Took a settlement and closed my complaint. They were horrible to deal with. Hooray for burnt bridges.
Family: My brother is moving his brood to Europe. It might be years before I see those kids again. This has not sunk in. An uncle has just died and my grandfather is very sick. My mother is acting strange.
Nerdboy: He had a situation at work that was making him stressed. This week he'll decide if he accepts another job offer or stays at his current company (of ten years). I think he should start fresh, but it means he loses some benefits. Mostly he will be stressed out by learning a new routine, new group of people, finding his place. New jobs are difficult for most people, Nerdboy and I seem especially overwhelmed by it. (I just have to do it all the time so I'm used to it.)
The problem was that while he's been dealing with this work thing, he's retreated a bit. He doesn't tell me about what's going on because 'talking about it makes him relive the anger'. But it affects our economic situation so I think I have to be in the loop. And he stopped going to a class he was taking, he played more computer games, and....he lost his libido. We had sex twice in April.
And not having sex makes me weepy and insecure. We agreed to be monogamous, and he's the only
person I've had sex with (ok, I did sexual things with Walrus. However you want to count that)
So I kinda want to explore this sex thing for the first time in my life, and I'm the more demanding of us two. But, I won't initiate it aggressively. I make hints, he doesn't take up the offer and I'm too hurt to put myself out there in a big way.
One night this month we were going to watch a movie at home. He was on the computer. I set up the movie, and got under a blanket on the couch completely naked. I thought this was going to be cute.
He kept playing computer and I called to him. He went into the kitchen and made a sandwich and came and sat down at the end of the couch. I was trapped under the blanket, now feeling like an idiot. He peeked under the blanket and patted my behind affectionately but just kept eating his sandwich.
This article is about having a happier marriage by being willing to be there for your partner's needs. That is, the person with the lower sex drive should try to have sex even when they don't want to. But, does the need to be touched outweigh the need not to be touched? Still, I agree sex should be a compromise, since everything else in the relationship is. Nerdboy thinks it should never be forced or planned. But that translates into we have sex when he wants to, and I'm always a little anxious wondering when it will happen.
I was really sex crazy and I`ve calmed down quite a bit, but I`m still hoping for once or twice a week. I`ve been having trouble with pain during entry again, and even though I make a lot of excited noises, it isn`t actually very pleasurable for me. I like the feeling of being desired, I like being touched, but penetration is a disappointment. I know orgasm comes from clit stimulation but I`ve never been able to get that to work either.
And I don`t like his kisses. He won`t use his tongue. We just press our mouths together, I`m not sure what is supposed to happen. Sometimes it even hurts from friction. I don`t know how to fix this. I`ve only kissed one other person and half his mouth is paralysed, but it was still more fun.
I only use this space to complain about Nerdboy- he does have good qualities and supports me in so many ways . It`s the usual complaint, things are okay, but I`m wanting more.
Job. I work at a big box hardware store. It's actually not bad. Did a short stint at big-box craft store, hated it. The prices are marked up 800%-1000% of what they paid for it, so when customers talked to me I didn't want to help them-I wanted to warn them.
So I'm doing a mix of the hardware store and teaching art. I can just squeak by. It's not a long term solution.
Art: not sure what to do next. I've been quite busy dealing with a bunch of Life Stuff.
The Labour Dispute: Took a settlement and closed my complaint. They were horrible to deal with. Hooray for burnt bridges.
Family: My brother is moving his brood to Europe. It might be years before I see those kids again. This has not sunk in. An uncle has just died and my grandfather is very sick. My mother is acting strange.
Nerdboy: He had a situation at work that was making him stressed. This week he'll decide if he accepts another job offer or stays at his current company (of ten years). I think he should start fresh, but it means he loses some benefits. Mostly he will be stressed out by learning a new routine, new group of people, finding his place. New jobs are difficult for most people, Nerdboy and I seem especially overwhelmed by it. (I just have to do it all the time so I'm used to it.)
The problem was that while he's been dealing with this work thing, he's retreated a bit. He doesn't tell me about what's going on because 'talking about it makes him relive the anger'. But it affects our economic situation so I think I have to be in the loop. And he stopped going to a class he was taking, he played more computer games, and....he lost his libido. We had sex twice in April.
And not having sex makes me weepy and insecure. We agreed to be monogamous, and he's the only
person I've had sex with (ok, I did sexual things with Walrus. However you want to count that)
So I kinda want to explore this sex thing for the first time in my life, and I'm the more demanding of us two. But, I won't initiate it aggressively. I make hints, he doesn't take up the offer and I'm too hurt to put myself out there in a big way.
One night this month we were going to watch a movie at home. He was on the computer. I set up the movie, and got under a blanket on the couch completely naked. I thought this was going to be cute.
He kept playing computer and I called to him. He went into the kitchen and made a sandwich and came and sat down at the end of the couch. I was trapped under the blanket, now feeling like an idiot. He peeked under the blanket and patted my behind affectionately but just kept eating his sandwich.
This article is about having a happier marriage by being willing to be there for your partner's needs. That is, the person with the lower sex drive should try to have sex even when they don't want to. But, does the need to be touched outweigh the need not to be touched? Still, I agree sex should be a compromise, since everything else in the relationship is. Nerdboy thinks it should never be forced or planned. But that translates into we have sex when he wants to, and I'm always a little anxious wondering when it will happen.
I was really sex crazy and I`ve calmed down quite a bit, but I`m still hoping for once or twice a week. I`ve been having trouble with pain during entry again, and even though I make a lot of excited noises, it isn`t actually very pleasurable for me. I like the feeling of being desired, I like being touched, but penetration is a disappointment. I know orgasm comes from clit stimulation but I`ve never been able to get that to work either.
And I don`t like his kisses. He won`t use his tongue. We just press our mouths together, I`m not sure what is supposed to happen. Sometimes it even hurts from friction. I don`t know how to fix this. I`ve only kissed one other person and half his mouth is paralysed, but it was still more fun.
I only use this space to complain about Nerdboy- he does have good qualities and supports me in so many ways . It`s the usual complaint, things are okay, but I`m wanting more.
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