aftermath

The night after I wrote the last post, I was really withdrawn from Nerdboy.   I went to choir and came home late.  Several times he asked me if I was down and I said yes, but he didn't do anything with that information.  He was hopping around getting his craft stuff together and just generally being high energy.  I was planning to talk to him the moment he sat down next to me but he never did.
When we were in bed reading, I said 'Can I talk to you?"
Now, I know he hates serious discussions in bed, and he does have to get up at 6am, but it needed to be said.
"Yesterday, did you emotionally detach from what was going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, well...you told me sometimes you can't handle the emotions and you ignore the situation..."
"What are you talking about?"


pause.



"Why did you let me cry yesterday?"

"I didn't!  I tried to make you laugh."

"Noooooo, that was after....." I trail off.

I can't remember what exactly was said at this point.  It was a short conversation and basically he said, 'I see you cry all the time.  I can't do anything about it and it seemed like you needed to cry it out before you could spit out what you were trying to say."

I tried to tell him it felt awful.
I did flat out say, "Don't watch me cry ever again."
I didn't say, 'That is cold.  That is abnormal."

We both glared at each other in a weird standoff.  You have to imagine two people in bed, having a stare down.  I was lying down, head on pillow and he was sitting up reading.  I was of course crying a little and trying to keep it together.
I said, "Well I guess that's the end of that topic" and I rolled over to face the wall.
He turned off the night light.
In the dark he said, "Don't try and finish the Halloween costumes tomorrow.  You have other things to worry about."
And I interpreted that as him trying to be thoughtful or make amends but being unable to deal with whatever makes him unable to deal with the Big Stuff.  So I reached over and touched his arm under the blankets and we went to sleep.

~~~next morning~~~
Halloween.  He gets ready for work early in the morning.  I watch from bed, unsure of how things stand.  He gives me the goodbye kiss.  I said, "I love you but I'm sore at you."
He said nothing, just rubs my arm.

I have to work at a Halloween event that night, and unexpectedly he showed up at the end, in costume, and drove me home.  We had a fun and mellow Halloween, what was left of it.  He said he was bored without me.
We never discuss the fight.

~~~Saturday morning~~~
We had sex, and it was fun.  We tried a bunch of new things, some worked, some didn't.
So a little bit of the conversation got through....

~~~a week later~~~
haven't talked about it.  haven't had sex.  haven't hardly cuddled even.  We both have been working on things in the evening and go to bed tired.

Last night I came home from crewing an outdoor event that got rained out.  5 hours of set-up, 2 hours to take down, all in wind, mud and rain.  He was napping when I came home, but started on his crafts again.  He put on some Star Trek at 10pm, I said, 'can we save this episode for later?  I'm going to bed."  He grumbled, 'fine',  He came to bed maybe half an hour later, read a bit.  He gave a heavy sigh while reading.  I was rolled over on my side, facing away from him.  "Why are you sighing?"
"I just want to read my book, okay?"

Then he turned out the light, and I waited for him to assume the spooning position, but he turned his back to me.
"Are you mad at me?'
"Just go to sleep"

And he's instantly asleep, and I cry silently.  I have no idea what prompted this behavior.  He was in a good mood until I asked him to turn off the show.  And I really wanted to be held after my long day.
I moved to the couch because I didn't want to share a bed with him.
His alarm didn't go off this morning and he slept in, left in a hurry, kissed me goodbye but didn't ask why I was on the couch.

I'm exhausted by never knowing if he'll be hot or cold to me.  Pushed away one day, act like it never happened the next.

I guess either I end it or we work on it.  My friend (partner of a psychiatrist) said therapy for both of us.

I am so stressed right now.  I don't want to end up back at mom's, back at rock bottom.