Right after I wrote that, I watched a bunch of videos by Dr. Sue Johnson, which talk about emotional closeness in relationships and cried my eyes out. And I read a bunch of forums about having a relationship with someone with Asperger's, and cried more.
Now, Nerdboy has not been diagnosed with Asperger's (it's on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum) nor does he fit all the typical characteristics of someone with Asperger's.
Yes:
He does miss social cues, he does have trouble keeping friends.
He talks too long about things that interest him, even when the listener is clearly bored. (Or even when I interrupt him to tell him I don't care!) I have to remind him daily to ask about how my day went.
He can get obsessed with things.
No;
He's not physically clumsy, does not do repetitive movements, nor does he speak oddly (although he did have a speech impediment as a child)
He can make eye contact and is often better at chatting with strangers than I am (although does tend to forget to ask questions about other people.)
The hard to categorize ones:
He thinks he's empathetic and I think he's not, but...
He can relate deeply to characters in fiction.
He was deeply upset when he accidentally killed a mouse.
He can read my emotions from my body language , he just tends not to respond correctly.
His own emotions are very locked up.
He randomly decides to make elaborate gifts for acquaintances that he doesn't have a close relationship with (including people we volunteered with, coworkers he only sorta likes, my relatives....)
~~~
And somehow we had a fun week and I felt okay about things. And since then we've been quite affectionate with each other and I've stopped crying.
The other night we watched 'It's a Wonderful Life' (his favourite) and it made me weepy and made me think about the type of person I want to be. So we were cuddling on the couch and I turned and asked Nerdboy 'What do you dream about?'
"That's a weird question. Stuff and things."
"I mean, what do you want in your life? Do you want a house?"
"Well that's never going to happen so there's no use wishing for it."
"What about travel?" got a similar response.
I was silently weeping. He got up and did dishes. When he came back, he said in an angry voice, "It's depressing to me to talk about this stuff that I can't have in my life."
And I cried openly and said 'It's not about having a house, it's about who we want to be. I want to know about your inner life and you shut down. I feel like a failure, probably more than you, and yet it doesn't hurt me to dream about a house. And if you're depressed you need to be able to talk about it with me."
I told him this is why I feel lonely. I think I said in broken sobs, "Why don't you ask me about my dreams?"
And I don't know what he's going to do with this information, but I said what I wanted about as clearly as I could.
This post resonated heavily with me: several of your statements remind me strongly of my ex-girlfriend's comments to me during the twilight of our relationship. None more so than "He thinks he's empathetic and I think he's not" - ouch. She even started diagnosing me with Asperger's too (until I did tests on the internet and came out "normal".) And "...he just tends not to respond correctly..." also brings back uncomfortable memories.
ReplyDeleteYou want "Nerdboy" (harsh nickname?) to change quite substantially. Has he ever shown much interest in making the changes that you want? You're essentially writing lists of good points and bad points. I could imagine my ex doing that about me. By the end I was doing that about her too. I really don't think it's a good sign. We each wanted the other one to become a different person. I think people tend not to change very much most of the time.
This reminds me of a quote (stereotyping, but perhaps interesting): "Women get together with men expecting the man to change, and are disappointed when he doesn't; men get together with women expecting her not to change, and are disappointed when she does."
I think that things will only work out if the two of you can achieve a big increase in open non-judgmental communication (does he even want to achieve this?) and if he agrees to change himself substantially, which he may well not do (and that's his choice and his alone - there is no "right way" to be in a relationship, just different preferences for different people.) I wish you all the best either way, and do let me know if you'd like further feedback on parallels between your story and mine.
P.S. I hope that my comment didn't seem harsh about you. I wasn't trying to criticise you at all. It's perfectly fine and understandable for you to want what you want - it's just that he might not be the one to give it to you. It's a bit like going to a Chinese restaurant and ordering a burrito. There's nothing wrong with wanting a burrito (i.e. your position), and conversely there's nothing wrong with the fact that a Chinese restaurant doesn't sell burritos (i.e. his position) - it just doesn't work out well to be trying to buy a burrito in a place that doesn't sell them. Either he needs to be willing to start selling burritos, or you might need to go to a Mexican restaurant. But either way there's no universal right and wrong way to be - just different preferences for different people.
ReplyDeleteHappy Christmas and thank you for the comments. I didn't find them harsh. It made me see another side, a side I don't understand and have to think about.
ReplyDeleteI am figuring out what I want as I go along. I am discovering I have ideas about what a relationship should be like, and some needs he isn't meeting. Maybe my ideas need to change, maybe I find my answers to my needs in myself, maybe this isn't going to work. I don't know. I'm just trying to speak up. I am pretty worried at this point that this will never be better than 'ok'.
I don't really think he has Asperger's but he's a little odd. I accept most of his ticks, but when I need him the most, he shuts down or even gets angry at me.
Maybe we figure out how to be together as imperfect people and that's what makes it love? Or maybe I'm with the wrong person and I don't know it because it's better than being alone.
Thanks - happy Christmas to you too. I guess it's just a question of deciding what you can be OK with and what you can't. I don't think anyone is perfectly suited - just varying degrees of compatibility. If you broke up and looked for someone else you might find a better match or you might not. It's a tough call! But I do think at least it would be really helpful to have better communication, and it sounds like he needs to be willing to work on that. If he doesn't like your ways of trying to communicate then it would be helpful for him to be proactive in setting up alternatives.
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