One night we went to the movies downtown and afterwards as the bus pulled up he said he wasn't ready to go home yet, kissed me and put me on a bus. I said I didn't like the idea but that he was a grownup. That was at 10 pm. He got home at 1pm that night. I assumed he went to a pub. I didn't really ask.
The next day we went to the library. We ran into one of his friends who wanted to go to coffee, which turned into a beer, which turned into a pitcher of beer, which turned into a second pitcher... It was after 7pm, and I had my first day of internship the next day. I was already tired and I wanted to get ready for my big day, so I kissed him and went home. Around 10 that night he started texting me. His friend had gone home to his family and Walrus was drinking alone watching the hockey game. He apologized. He said I was the Ron McLean to his Don Cherry (Any Canadians in the audience?) and that he needed me to ground him, to tell him when he'd gone too far. Then he said a lot of stuff about wanting to grow old with me...he used the phrase 'mother of my children' I cried. I couldn't respond with equal ardor...I couldn't believe someone was saying something like that to me, but it's so hard to be the nag, so hard to be the nurse...
It was nice to hear that he appreciated the nagging, in a way; he knew it was somehow good for him.
The next day he was too tired to go out and I didn't see him. He slept most of the next day as well. When I did pick him up he wasn't dressed and I helped him gather his things. His jacket had a big splatter on it. He said it was mud. I handed him his scarf and it was all caked with something gross...I dropped it on the floor when I saw the stain. I began to suspect -the coat and the scarf- I think he threw up on himself the night of the two pitchers of beer...I was so upset with this thought. I wouldn't talk to him all the way to my house. He knew something was wrong but didn't know what. When we got to my house I took the jacket away and cleaned it. It wasn't talked about. Once the evidence was gone I put it out of my mind.
Today we had a family thing to go to in the afternoon. Walrus had spent the night and we were getting ready to go, when he put on his coat, said he was going to a quick coffee run with his dad and went out the door. His dad was sitting in his car outside.This was less than an hour before we were supposed to be at the family event! I was so mad. He said he'd get a ride from his dad if he was running late. I waited a long time, couldn't get a hold of him, got annoyed, and left. My mother commented that it was quite rude. I was 25 minutes late for the family event; Walrus arrived there five minutes after I did. On the way home I told him I was annoyed and he was completely surprised. In the end there was very little harm done, I suppose, except for two cars went out when one would have sufficed. He apologized, but I still nursed a little hurt. I felt it was very rude not to tell me what he was planning, and to accept a last minute invite that undid all my plans.
Then tonight he poured himself a glass of my mother's wine, the very wine he had bought my mother for Christmas. I felt that was very rude, and I'm so terrified he's drinking too much, that he can't stop himself when he starts...
We talked about it in the car as I drove him home. I explained that my mom's stuff was hers. We eat her food already; her wine, her candy, and stuff like that are off limits. (I didn't go into how rude I thought it was to drink her Christmas present...) Walrus said he understood that. We talked a bit more about this week, how I've been upset with him so many times...I said I was scared of drinking. I am- I hate the thought of not being in control of myself and hate to see my friends acting foolish and undignified. He said, very shortly, that we were both grownups and that he's had a year of doctors telling him this and that and he was tired of it.
Mostly we just sat there in the car in silence. We said we were both okay and kissed and said goodnight.
We"ve just had a text conversation where he apologized for being testy. He said he feels like he has to be strong all the time and meet all these expectations...Sometimes he falls down. He thought he could make his own decisions and was kinda saying I should back off....
So much for the Ron McLean role.
It sounds great, but when he's tired or drunk he doesn't make good decisions, and sometimes I have to deal with the consequences of that. I'm just reading about alcoholism right now.
I'd say he meets at least four of these criteria, these past few weeks anyways.
I am in over my head.
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