TMI

Warning!  This post is going to talk about below-the-waist health stuff.  So if it's icky, don't say I didn't warn you.

At the age of 30, I finally had sex for the first time, and it hurt so badly we had to stop.  Two other attempts have also had similarly disappointing results.  It is so frustrating it's made me cry more than once.  My boyfriend is being very supportive.  He said it's not that big a deal.

I asked my best friend, who told me the problem was that I was just 'small' and needed to be 'stretched.'  I have never been able to wear tampons my whole life, so I believed her.  Turns out that's not quite accurate- the vagina changes shape as needed.  Babies come out of it, after all.
However, I found out about something called vaginismus and that sounds like what's happening to me.  The muscles are just tightening up at the entrance of the vagina.  It's a reflex, like being poked in the eye and flinching every time something comes near your face.  That creates a cycle- I expect pain and tense up and feel pain.  One website said I should be doing Kegel exercises and um...putting my finger up there, then two, then three.  Once I can get three fingers in, everything should be good to go.  I can only get two, after a few weeks of doing the exercises.  Last week I finally was able to use a tampon painlessly, and was ridiculously excited by this achievement, until for some reason my body rejected a smaller tampon the next day and I felt extreme pain.  One step forward, three steps back.

I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I think I feel shame about the whole 'waterworks' because mine have never quite worked properly.  I was already worried about not being about able to have children.  I never expected this!

Extremely frustrated, I got a book from the library called 'When Sex Hurts'.  I don't think it's that great a book, but it's better than nothing.  (Side note:  one book on female sexual health problems, a whole shelf on men's.)  It suggests physiotherapy as a solution.  I was so surprised!  I didn't think physio dealt with that small a muscle group, or that there would be any practitioners in my hometown.  I found the local physio association's website and there are quite a few who deal with the 'pelvic floor' and 'vaginal pain'.

The book also said that if your muscles are always tense it can cause you to feel like you have to urinate all the time, and that the bladder isn't emptying fully.  This is a problem I've had off and on through the years.  Right now it seems worse than ever.  I'm getting up several times in the night feeling like I need to pee, when I don't.  Maybe doing these exercises is making it worse instead of better!

So I've decided it's time to see a doctor, make sure I don't have a bladder infection or anything, and see if I can get referred to a physiotherapist.  I really don't want to talk about it, but I think I have to.  I'm starting an internship for school this week so I might use that as an excuse for putting this doctor visit off, but I really need to get this sorted soon.