You know when you're carrying a bunch of stuff, arms full, and you drop one item, and you bend down to pick it up, and lose two more items, etc etc?
That's how I'm feeling right now. Just trying to keep the messiness of me under control.
Tonight I went to a planning meeting for the youth camp leaders. I love problem solving. My sister said that all three of us siblings have the same problem when it comes to careers: we just want to be idea-generators. Once we've figured out a better way to do things, we're bored. We have little interest in implementing our own plans, and zero interest in maintaining anything. I've said before that I am not good at phrasing criticism gently, or using positive language to suggest changes, or manipulating people to get my way. I just say bluntly why things will or will not work.
Tonight I found I was speaking quite a lot, asking questions, trying to find out the parameters of what we were trying to do and what we had to work with, and then trying to find a framework or methodical way to put it all together. It was bordering on me taking over, and some people weren't speaking at all. When I realized I was getting carried away, I said apologetically, "I like planning."
So now I'm sort of annoyed at myself. I feel like I always say the wrong thing. Now, for years I was very shy and couldn't speak in public at all, and now I'm doing lots of things that involve the word 'leadership'. But leadership also means bringing out the best in others....
I'm the oldest of my siblings, and oldest of a bunch of cousins...as a kid I was often the leader and creator of games simply by virtue of being the tallest. Apparently if I don't feel intimidated by my peers, I revert to that kid....
I don't understand why I'm all or nothing. Completely quiet and passive, or trying to run the show by myself... This is an exaggeration. I didn't say anything offensive, or put down other people's suggestions...I just talked more, and more passionately, than I would have liked.
How come some people never seem to say the wrong thing? They never talk too much, or too little, their jokes are funny, they don't complain or rant or gossip...
One of my fellow camp leaders seems to be one of those people, always contributes just the right amount to the group conversation and is always positive. He's also good looking and around my age. I'm trying to figure out why I don't have a crush on him. I think he's great, but I just don't feel any thing for him.
No, I pick the guy with the high-waisted jeans and the thinning hair. Go figure!
Oh, I know everyone is socially awkward sometimes and I shouldn't beat myself up. But I'm just not sure how much I like myself right now. Please let this be a phase and I will settle into a more graceful version of myself.
I was invited to a friend's house this morning. Her house was neat and tidy and welcoming. My house is a disaster and an embarrassment. I just keep wondering how other people seem to have their shit together and I'm so far away from it.
Bright spots: Got asked in for a job interview, can't make the slot they'd scheduled but am negotiating for another day. Part time job, but would be a really really good fit for me.
Volunteer management class seems like a good investment.
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