I cry very easily these days, and sometimes inexplicably. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm actually doing okay.
I would have said I was happy overall but this weekend I realized how stressed I am.
I was really sick last week, a brutal cough that wouldn't let me sleep, that racked my body. I get these coughs around once a year; my doctor has never been able to explain why I get this sick. I took antibiotics but they didn't seem to do much. I had to cancel all my teaching, so no income for that week. I tried to work on my own projects but mostly I just watched Netflix and laid on the couch.
During the week, I got a phone call saying I did an excellent interview but I didn't get the job. They'll keep my resume at the top of the pile. That was for a part-time teaching job at a somewhat prestigious institution. I'm a bit worried that it's the second time I've been told I'm qualified but they went with someone else. I'm trying to get out of teaching, but can't seem to get a foot in the door, and now I'm not getting teaching jobs, which is all I've done for the past 10 years. 10 years!
Nerdboy doesn't get sick so he was sympathetic to a point. I ending up sleeping on the couch and he wore earplugs...He always wanted me to stay in our bed but I worried about disturbing his sleep so I usually moved myself in the middle of the night.
Nerdboy got me a bike by trading in helping a friend move, and has spent some money fixing it up. I haven't been comfortable on a bike since I was 12. Last summer I was trying to learn again on my mom's bike, and I bought a vintage bike and never fixed it up. This weekend Nerdboy said it was time I rode the bike he got me, and planned a short route. I just wanted to ride up and down the lane. I was nervous before we started. Last summer one of our first dates was a longish bike ride (I was on mom's bike) and I did fine. But this new bike is bigger and had the curled down racing handles, so my body was leaning forward. I found it hard on my arms, (and the ladybits) and I didn't have a good grip on the brakes.
Basically, it was one panic attack after another. I would ride about a block, and take a break. I walked the bike if there was a hill, or traffic. Nerdboy was encouraging intermixed with irritable. He got frustrated when I walked the bike for two blocks. He told me to stop saying 'I can't.' I was a mess but we were turning around to come home and I was determined to ride back. But it was slightly downhill and I felt like I was going too fast and couldn't brake, and I was screaming. I actually did manage to manoeuvre the bike just fine and I did stop, although I banged up my leg a bit. But I stood in the road sobbing and Nerdboy tried to be soothing again. There was only two blocks left and I did ride home the rest of the way, almost retaining some dignity.
At one point I said to him, "You see me at my worst."
At home he mixed me a very boozy Brown Cow and I fell asleep for a two hour afternoon nap. Meanwhile, he replaced the handlebars and brake levers for a more upright ride. He is sweet, in a way. I'm not sure how I feel about him pushing me to exercise. He went too far with the bike ride. To be fair, he has seen me ride a bike before and I did much better so he had no idea I would freak out this much. I was still coughing, and menstruating, so probably not the best timing.
When I woke up from the nap he got all handsy and we tried to have sex but the bike had really hurt me down there. We did other stuff and it was okay for him. Yup, it was right on the six-day schedule. Sigh.
Since then, he's been trying to get me on the bike again to try out the new handlebars but he suggests even longer routes and I flatly refuse. He did get me to jog though. Body hates me right now.
We've been snippy with each other lately and I get so upset and near tears when I feel we're not in harmony. Friday night we were watching a movie at home and he was shopping on his tablet for electric fans. I didn't thin kthat was a priority at the moment and I said, 'Exciting Friday night' and he got so insulted and said I was always on the computer too, looking at Pinterest. I said,' I just want your attention'. He said 'There's better ways to get it than taking cheap shots at me."
I've gotten chided for saying things too bluntly, and I get chided for asking for things too meekly. Example: Me: "Could you get me the water bottle out of your bag? Or actually I could get it, if you stop, I'll get it...."
Him: "You can just ask for it. You don't need the diatribe."
We're at 10 months together now and maybe it's time deeper issues are addressed, and it's coming up in these ridiculous exchanges. I am often sheepish or even subservient when making decisions together or asking for his help. He wants me to be more confident. Being snide with me doesn't help. And I feel there's always a computer screen or tv screen between us and that he does have a bit of an internet addiction, and he's sensitive about it. And I am always thinking about how I'm going to make money as an artist and he's getting a bit tired of how distracted it makes me.
I think we actually both want more quality time together but we keep putting things in the way.
I didn't know it was this easy to be callous and rude to the person closest to you. I'm convinced I'm such a good person but living with someone other than my mother has highlighted all my bad habits. My mother either indulged me or had worse habits of her own...
So Nerdboy is temperamental at the best of times and I haven't got my shit together. And that's what's scaring me. I've gained weight, I've barely got enough work to survive on, I have no professional work experience and I see other people younger than me getting careers going, I don't know what the next step is in pursuing my own business, I don't know how to be in a relationship, sex is troublesome, I can't orgasm, I didn't learn to drive until I was 25, and I can't even ride a bike. Art is the only thing I'm good at and it feels like I've plateaued there, that it's time for me to push my skills and creativity to another level, and that's going to be painful to work through....
What have I been doing with my life, why am I so scared of everything? I have such big dreams and so far, not much to show for it. I didn't want to be in a relationship until I had things a bit more figured out but some of the things I'm trying to do would not be possible without Nerdboy's support. Living with mom and going crazy with loneliness weren't doing me much good either. I can't tell if I've grown since I started this blog. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking about the same old stuff, except now with sex.
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