Talk Flop

Last night I tried to talk to Nerdboy about sex and today I'm realizing he really didn't rise to the occasion.

About a week ago I gave him notice that we needed to talk about this subject, but that night we were both tired and I didn't feel the timing was good.

Three nights ago we had quite successful sex and as we were going to sleep I said there's stuff I have to tell you...

Two nights ago I said we're talking about this tomorrow, and he said ok.

So all day yesterday I was a little nervous and I practised in my head.

Nerdboy and I have signed up to do a few Christmas craft fairs.  I've been doing a few and Nerdboy ends up being involved as I can't drive his car (gotta learn standard!).  So he started making some crafts and selling them and now he's obsessed.

So he was working on his craft, I was sewing his Halloween costume, and between episodes of Star Trek, I said it was time.

And he said ok, but kept working at his craft, head down.  So, off to a good start.

Long pause from me.  Probably should have insisted he look at me.

Finally I started off saying I am going through something I don't understand, and sex is very emotional for me and I randomly cry.  

And I said I was pretty sex crazy and trying to hide it from him.  It piqued his interest when I said I looked at his erotica without him, but mostly he was silent.

I tried to say I didn't know how to initiate sex and that I was easily aroused and frustrated when it didn't go anywhere...I told him about a few weeks ago when we were naked cuddling for two hours and I really thought it was going to happen and it didn't and I cried in the shower after, the only place in our tiny apartment I could hide it from him.

and he said nothing.  just the plink plink plink sound of him moving beads around as he worked.

I was crying.  He sat there and listened to me cry.  At one point he reached out and ruffled my hair, but didn't turn away from what he was doing.

And I said, I was embarrassed about my body's needs but I've decided not to be.  Lost it in sobs.

And nothing from him. 

I cry.

Finally I said "stop doing those beads".  He moved onto the couch beside me and rubbed my arm and then tried to get me to laugh.. .

I don't remember what all was said, I just kept making stuff come out of my mouth and he was alternately tender and frustrating.  At one point he said, we've just spent half an hour talking about nothing.  That is what really stings today.

But at the time, ever the conflict soother, I said quietly, I got something out of it.

I did and I didn't.  I'm not sure I said clearly, I want more sex, and I want to be more actively in control of when and how it happens.  I didn't say my ideas of things I wanted to try, because I was crying and it didn't seem fun and sexy to talk about at that moment.

I still don't know how to initiate sex.  He said I should rub my backside against his pelvis when we are spooning.  

(We never have sex unless we are already almost naked and cuddling on the couch.  So much for my pretty underwear collection. He's never going to tear my clothes off.)

And I'd already figured that one out, and it doesn't always work.  I got a murky explanation to his mysterious disappearing libido.  I asked if he could tell when I wanted to have sex whenhe didn't feel like it?  Yes, he can read my hints but he just tries not to lead me on. 'Sometimes I don't want to have sex."  He said sex is sometimes complicated for him, and he can't really talk about it.  (He had an abusive partner ten years ago.)

I said can we have a code word so you can let me know you're having one of those days and I know it's not me?  No, he couldn't even spit out one word, the emotions are too much. Well, can you tell me the day after so I can understand the situation?  No, he'll forget.

I said it really was making me anxious.  

"You have to learn not to take it so personally."

"I have baggage too."

"And your baggage trumps mine?"

silence.  I'm trying to respect that he's been through something I haven't, but it's time for him to open up to me a little.  I have to live with his demons too.