So certain, except for all these doubts

Not much to report.  Still happy with Silver Fox, almost nine months now.
We're sort of poking around the edges of a talk about the future.  Probably too early, but it seems almost certain that this is a long-term thing.  Like, he's the One?  But why did I pick someone who has no high school diploma, can't drive, and can't cook?

There was a late night talk about having a family.  That same day I found out a friend (who is 39) is pregnant with her first.  So I guess it was on my mind, because that night we were talking about world problems, including overpopulation . (I think we're overpopulated, he doesn't).  And I blurted out "I think I might want a child".  I had to repeat it because he didn't understand what I had said.  And he said he might want one too.  And it was very nice and truly terrifying. Oh yeah, and I confessed I'd been thinking about this since our talk at Christmas and he said 'you sat on this all that time!'

Ever since I confirmed my suspicions that we both did want a family, I've been a little crazy, wanting to plan, wanting to know his plans... I've told several girlfriends about our talk, yet I haven't told him all my worries, which isn't fair but he's working on school right now and I don't want him to feel bad about where he is.  (He was able to skip to university without his high school diploma)

But I'm 35 and there's a time limit on this project.  We are not going to be established enough even in three years unless we beg the grandparents to help out.  I will probably need fertility treatment.

I think for both of us, parenthood wasn't really a possibility before, not having suitable partners.  So I hope I'm not just having one last fling at this dream of motherhood.  Previously I was quite at peace with being childless.  But now I'm really thinking what needs to happen, and have set it as a possible goal, and he's still got it as a nice dream for someday....

But I tell myself, Eleanor, it's still not even a year together.  Just enjoy getting to know each other and leave the big plans for just a little longer.  Enjoy the sweetness of the infatuation stage.

I sometimes can't believe this is happening to me.  We are so gaga over each other, we just lie around noses touching and gaze lovingly at the other's face.  We have a lot of sex.  He's super eager and I can certainly keep up.  He's getting much better at it.  (If you haven't been following: he dated one other woman for less than a year before he met me.)  His anxiety still is a factor but I don't seem to mind.  I feel like I have infinite patience with his anxiety in bed, but almost none when it affects his school work.

I think it's delightful to have found someone even less experienced than me.  Although sometimes I think about that joke about virgins getting too attached-- maybe he would have liked anybody who came along and was willing to sleep with him.  Ha! I actually think we're good for each other, and having someone who understands the late-to-date baggage is just a bonus.

So I love him to bits but I worry so much about how long he's taking to get his shit figured out.  And that's why Nerdboy dumped me, so I certainly feel the irony there.  I have faith my smart and hardworking boy will do fine, EVENTUALLY.  He's not going to get there quickly.  I asked Silver Fox if he had any goals, and he said no, which was completely alien to me.  I think of him as very reasonable and responsible, but his anxiety makes him completely the opposite of that.  If anybody knows any resources for helping a loved one with anxiety, I would be so grateful.

Other small updates:  Lots of freelance work, I'm so tired, but it looks like one more month and then it dries up.  I'll be happy to take some me-time but will need to find more work by midsummer. Car died and I sold it for parts.  Nerdboy and I are trying to be friends, and he seems happier with the arrangement.  Me too, I think, but occasionally it's weird.  Still living with Mom, and her car is also dead, and she's having trouble buying a new one.  (she doesn't do well with large purchases)  Between mom and Silver Fox, I want to kick some butts!  I used to procrastinate and avoid things, now I'm getting stuff done.