Where were we? Oh yes, we'd just come back from our big trip. It must have been May. My mother went travelling in South America for two months and I was in charge of the house (my sister wasn't much help.) I went into a depression and cried randomly. Things were stressful.
You see, Angie, a former co-worker, an art teacher I used to assist, had phoned me the previous December to tell me she had throat cancer. She asked me to start substituting for some of her art classes at the rec centre, gradually I took them over. I was also driving her to chemo, and visiting her often. I got to know her and her family quite well.
Emily had wanted to go on our trip to get some perspective. I think she decided she wanted the old boyfriend back. They'd been together 8 years, both of them still lived at home. They only saw each other about once a week. It seemed to me to lack any kind of romance or spark. She told me she wanted him to do a big gesture to win her back. I had no sympathy- in one year she had considered relationships with three other men (the two from work and the one in London).
Meanwhile we were back working on the film at the arts organization. Both of us would bring our laptops, but only she would plug into the internet. She would sign into online messaging and talk to people all day long. I thought that was pretty rude. Mostly she talked to her old work buddy Charlie, who was still devoted to her. They played this game where they'd pick a word (like 'sunshine') and send each other songs with that word in the lyrics. The music would play in the room so I could hear it too. I kinda wanted to play, and sometimes I made suggestions, but I didn't really think it was very professional of either of them. Charlie was at work, and we were pretending to be!
Once he sent a song that featured the words 'stupid ho' over and over and I reached over and turned it off. That was the end of that game, or at least my involvement in it. Well, I still say you can't play a song like that in an office, especially when you're using the space for free.
After that, Emily wore headphones. If I wanted to talk to her about the film, she acted like I was interrupting her most unreasonably.
I said I was crying quite a lot at that time. Sometimes at work. Emily had to comfort me. We'd go for walks. She was a reasonably good friend at those times, but what could she do when I told her I was lonely and worried about surviving as an artist and sometimes jealous of her social life and jobs? It only made her feel bad about what she had, when she wasn't even happy with her life either.
What a mess. What a mess.
There was this really special art show in town and even though we talked about going together, I decided to go with my sick friend Angie instead. I couldn't believe Emily sulked about that.
Then the arts organization had a job opening, just a little short term gig, and they asked both of us to put in a portfolio. We took a long walk to discuss that one. I at that time felt that I needed the job to save my self confidence. I wasn't going to ask Emily not to apply, but I must have secretly hoped she'd stand back and let me have a chance. I was holding back what I felt. She was getting really heated and blurted something about me thinking she wasn't a good enough artist to do it, which was hurtful, insulting....I didn't think that, and I didn't want to hold her back. It's just that I really thought I needed it more than her, like I was drowning and clutching at anything that would pull me up...
In the end we both applied and neither of us got it. Probably the best outcome, but the damage was done.
She withdrew more and more into the online messaging....I couldn't even talk to her. In June I wrote her a letter, and at the end of the workday I tried to give it to her. She wouldn't take it. We went to the park and tried to talk, but I tried to tell her she was like a brick wall and I ended up sobbing hysterically, loud, gasping, unstoppable crying, in a public park. She just sat next to me quietly. At one point she said so quietly and sadly, "Why are you so sad?" We were in the park a long time, we moved to a quieter place, I still couldn't stop, she started getting a little angry, and I gasped out 'I'm....so.....disappointed...." and she BLEW UP. Yelled stuff at me and left me crying in the park. I sat there and cried for a while then went home. My mother came home that night. I acted quite normal. I casually told my sister Emily and I had had a fight.
I tried to phone Emily but she hung up on me.
A few days later I got an email saying that I should go to counselling and that I should take time away to heal. Emily had suggested counselling for me before, because she got scared when I cried.
So I signed up right away, and started going once a week. I didn't tell my family.
I liked my counseller, even if she looked like the mom on Leave it to Beaver. I think she had dentures, or just some really straight teeth. My counseller made me say what it was I liked so much about Emily, and I couldn't think of much.
I'm going to save everybody hundreds of dollars: The best thing the counseller told me was "If this is the worst time of your life, and you live through it, it will be over and nothing will ever be as bad again."
For the first few weeks I just lay on the couch a lot. Eventually the counseller helped me make a list of goals and I started drawing again. I got a part time job at a thrift store, which changed my view on the world in many ways, but that's another story.
Emily and I still emailed a bit, for some reason. My counseller told me to give her space, so I never wrote unless she did, and never asked to see her.
In October there was an art school reunion and I wrote to Emily and told her I was going. She said she was too. I think she said she was proud of me. (?) At the event I saw her (with Charlie) and she hugged me. I told her a bit about the guy at work who liked me. We met a few times after that, and hung out for short periods of times, trying to be friends again, although she kept her distance a little more than I did. An old teacher died and we went to the funeral together. I ignored the fact that while I had been crying on the couch that summer, she had stayed at the arts organization and worked on her own project, one she must have had secretly ready to go. I wonder what she told them about why I never came back. I wonder what happened to the pair of shoes I left at the office.
The film , the project we worked on for five year, was never mentioned. I think she did date Charlie for a little while but she didn't really go into details. I didnt actually see Emily all that much, but we wrote often and it was quite friendly. I was busy with my new job and trying to work on my art, I took a few art classes, and I stopped going to counselling.
I was really happy to have Emily back in my life. Part of that might of been that I was seeing all my old art school friends again. The ones she'd been hanging out with all along. The ones that never phoned me during my disappearance...
I stopped covering Angie's classes- it was too hard. She took a turn for a worse in the spring.
She died at the end of June. I didn't even cry. I only cried when I fought with Emily. I haven't cried in years. I wish I could. I wish I could.
In August I decided to have a bbq, one I'd planned for Angie to attend in June....that might have been inappropriate but I wanted my friends around me. It rained and not a lot of people came but we had a good time. Immediately after I was helping prepare a slide show for Angie's memorial and two computers in the house broke down. I had a nasty cough. I sent Emily a little message on facebook: "I"m sick, my computer's broken and the memorial's next week. Stress! Do you think people had a good time at my party?" She wrote back :"I can't help but notice your messages have been getting more negative lately. You friends love you and want you to be happy but you have to do something about this."
I took three days to reply to that, and I said 'Angie died six weeks ago. I'm grieving. It really wasn't all that negative.'
She wrote back a bunch of nonsense about having to protect her own happiness and she wasn't going to be my dumping ground anymore. It's burned into my memory forever: "you can't deal with stuff and you don't solve problems."
That day I found out my grandmother had cancer. I never answered Emily's message, and two weeks later she 'unfriended' me on facebook. This was August.
I went back to counselling once soon after that. My counseller wasn't too impressed with Emily.
I ran into her twice after that. There was a minimum of interaction. I think we said 'hi' politely.
In January I received a card from her. I opened it at breakfast and cried into my cereal. It was a gift card for art supplies and all it said was 'the desk is very useful. I am grateful. -Emily'.
I cried because I had given her the desk six months earlier. It would have given me a little dignity if she'd taken the desk from me as a gift, from a friend, because I thought we were, at the time. And, knowing her like I do, I felt she was freeing herself of all obligation to me. She might not have known she was doing that, but she probably thought of me every time she sat at the desk, and thought she could square things up if she send me $35. I wasn't going to make good art if my supplies came from her- I gave the card to a friend.
35 bucks for 8 years of friendship and an old desk. But I got my revenge! Emily borrowed a van to pick it up. The night before she came I discovered my cat had peed on the top and I scrubbed and scrubbed it, but never told her. Ha!
I still curse her name sometimes. I don't talk to anybody from my old art world anymore- I'm starting over, on my own, out of the shadow of Emily.
PS. My grandmother is now cancer free!
Showing posts with label how I wasted several years of my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how I wasted several years of my life. Show all posts
Monday, 8 August 2011
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Female Friend Drama Part II
Announcing the arrival of new niece today! We went to see the baby at the hospital today- oh, family dynamics fun. My grandmother is only 75, but her conversation is getting harder and harder to follow. It's one long cheerful stream of half-finished unrelated anecdotes about everyone she knows....My mother was cranky, my sister's baby was fussy, the in-laws visiting from England didn't introduce themselves to us, my dad and his wife hung around the neighbourhood of the hospital ALL DAY but left after a short visit with the baby...the new mother looked very small and young and wouldn't let anybody hold the baby for the first hour and a half. My brother looked happy and quiet and possibly overwhelmed.
Fun moment for the still-single sibling: "Next year is going to be so boring. What can top two babies?"
I'm not sure how well I'm doing right now. I am happy that the baby arrived safely, and of course I will love it like a good auntie. Seeing the new parents, it just felt like intruding on a such a private moment, such a huge life changing moment, and one I don't think I'm ever going to have.
Also I've gotten zero messages on OKCupid. What am I doing wrong?
Anyways, I'd better continue with my story about Emily. Sorry to whoever is reading this, I don't think it's interesting to anyone but me.
For two years Emily and I worked on that film part-time, each of us taking jobs as opportunities arose, and then they started to arise more for her. During this time, my parents separate, hire lawyers and fight over money, I don't speak to my father for a year, my mother sells the house we've lived in for 17 years and we move 17 years worth of crap into a new house.
One day near the end of these two years, the day after Halloween, Emily wasn't at 'work', that is to say she wasn't at the space where we met to work on the film. The receptionist of the arts organization told me that Emily's boyfriend had phoned in to say Emily had spent the night in the hospital. I phoned her parents and left a message, and got no answer. I didn't have a phone number or email for the boyfriend, even though they'd been going out as long as I'd known her.
I was super panicked and started to cry. I kept phoning her parents and finally spoke her to dad. She was still in the hospital. She'd fallen and hit her head on the sidewalk while 'running from the police'? Her dad has a thick accent so I can't say for sure that's what he said, but that's what I heard. I went to see her in the hospital, and when I went into the room she was asleep and had a big purple bruise. I forgave her everything at that moment; I was so relieved she was okay. We visited and she was a bit evasive about what happened, she just said she was 'running, just running.' I never asked her what really happened that day and she never volunteered the story. She stayed at home to recover for the next few weeks and I went to visit her. She seemed grateful for that. She said she felt very different, like her personality had changed. I can't remember what exactly was said but I remember that time as being very surreal.
Weeks later I had a niggling feeling that it was weird that the boyfriend had called the arts organization, who really didn't care whether we were there or not, and not me. It must have been at her instruction, no? I mention this little incident because it seems like the beginning of the end...
I can't remember what happened the following winter and spring, but it must have been when she started to get some really good jobs and had no time for the project. That summer I hardly saw her at all. She had a job at the best place in town, and I was so jealous. Our mutual friend had moved to Seattle to live with her boyfriend (met online!) and Emily and I took a bus trip together. We did a lot of catching up and had really great conversations. She told me this guy who sat next to her at work, Adam, was flirting heavily with her and she really liked him. She still was dating her long-time boyfriend, and Adam had a girlfriend that he lived with. I actually encouraged her to go for it, since I didn't like her boyfriend all that much. After a few months of hearing about all the flirting, in the end Adam wouldn't leave his girlfriend and Emily was heartbroken.
But. There was another guy who sat on the other side of her at work, and he seemed to have a bit of a crush on her. Charlie was maybe 8 years older than us, and was a bit of a film-geek, really cheerful, had a tendency to talk too much if you got him started. It seemed he'd only had one girlfriend in his life, and they were still 'long-distance' but it was fading. He also still lived at home, at 34! Emily was friendly to Charlie and hung out with him a bit. She suspected he liked her and still spent a lot of time with him. She told me a lot about how lonely he was, and even suggested I go out with him. I was having none of that. No leftovers for me, thanks. But Emily still kept hanging out with him, and inviting him to hang out with the two of us. I'd meet her at the movies, and surprise! there he was. Her parents started to suspect things and discouraged the friendship because Emily is Chinese and Charlie was white. He even came to my house once with her, and they sat together under one blanket. I was annoyed.
My feelings, motives(?) at this time were mixed. He genuinely was a nice fellow and I would have been happy to have him as a friend. I let him come to my house I guess because I was encouraging the relationship. I thought Emily was probably lying to herself about her feelings. It made her feel good to be with him, but if she couldn't date him, either because she wouldn't leave her long-time boyfriend or because she couldn't stand up to her racist parents, she had to stop seeing Charlie even as a friend. I thought she was leading him on, or using him to get over Adam. She seemed pretty fickle to me, two guy in one summer while still with her boyfriend. I felt really badly for Charlie if she wouldn't go through with it. I tried to explain to her how much it hurts to be alone that long, how it feels to get your hopes up and have them dashed to pieces.... She just wanted things to go on as they were.
Her contract at that workplace ended and she was unemployed again. She didn't know how much her co-workers knew about the two love interests, but she felt she could never work there again. She threw herself into the old project, our never ending film.
We'd been working on the film for four years and it was a standing joke among our art friends to ask if we were finished yet. We actually rewrote it that fall and the end seemed in sight.
Emily told her boyfriend about both the work guys, and he felt he'd been cheated on, and said some not-very-nice things. In November they broke up for real. Emily was probably really depressed but she throws herself into work when she's sad. The film made some progress at this point and we decided we'd finally take that trip to Europe. Oh to be in Paris in April! Oh, to get away from all the turmoil at home!
I quit my teaching job that spring. Emily got another short gig, working with this really disorganized artist who needed someone to keep him on track. I planned the whole trip by myself since she was so stressed.
Just before we left, a guy she'd met at a wedding wrote to her and said he'd been very impressed by her. He lived in London and offered to let us stay at his place. I protested violently. No way was I staying at a stranger's place while he was hitting on my friend. I won that battle, I suppose, because we stayed at a hostel in London, but we did have to see him a few times. He bored me. One night she went out with him alone and stayed out quite late. I was alone in the hostel and just to make things better there was a fire alarm and we had to evacuate. When she finally came home I was crying quietly in my bed. The next day she mumbled one sentence about having to give it a try but that she didn't feel anything special for him. The subject was not mentioned again.
We travelled through England for three weeks. It was mostly alright, but we stick so close to each other when we travel there's bound to be fights. Travelling with a companion requires endless compromises and sacrifices and I can't help but feel some of her choices were a little selfish. Maybe mine were just as bad. Both of us were probably depressed at that point and had been for a long time. We'd both been through a lot. Travelling didn't solve our problems at home, or even let us leave them behind.
I remember one night she asked me if she had ruined her trip. I said no, there was nobody I'd rather have gone with.
One night, we were alone in a hostel room in some big old mansion in a little Yorkshire town. I started talking about my health problems (ovarian cysts) and from there the worry that no one would ever date me, and I started crying. She started talking about how she always notices nice looking guys with girls that aren't that attractive. I was so exhausted I didn't even see that as insulting until weeks later. She must have realized that wasn't a helpful observation and started repacking her bag, leaving me crying quietly on the floor.
Much later she apologized for not doing more at that moment.
Our last week was in Paris, and we fought almost the whole time. I am on a special diet, and Paris wasn't condusive to that. Do you think you can find multi-grain bread in Paris? They eat nothing but white bread and pastry. Emily was always eating sweet things in front of me. Meanwhile my digestion system was going haywire. Emily's friend from high school happened to be in Paris at the same time and we hung out with her a lot. I didn't think much of her, and she pretty much ignored me. We went to dinner one night to try real French food. I didn't want to go, I offered to leave them to it while I spent the evening exploring alone, but they insisted. They ordered food I couldn't eat, the friend was rude to the waiters, they talked about high school while I sat there miserably. I really thought I was going to cry at the table. And it wasn't so much at what they were doing, but disappointment at myself that I didn't have the skills to turn the evening around. I wasn't a food connoisseur, I didn't speak French, I couldn't find a way into the conversation, and when the high school friend asked if French people were Catholic or Christian I was pretty snotty.
Emily said quite fiercely it wasn't polite to discuss religion at dinner.
I think I went home alone. At the hostel I crawled into bed and fell into a dead sleep. I didn't hear Emily come in. She told me she cried herself to sleep that night. The next day she told me I was very rude not to join in the conversation. I didn't do a good job of defending myself, couldn't explain how much I hated myself at that moment, nor how rude I thought they had been to me.
Somehow we got through the last bit of the trip. Another airport separation without saying goodbye to each other, somehow another patched-up friendship. I was pretty disappointed with her behaviour. I remember phoning my friend Shelly when I got home and ranting and ranting. I don't know why I didn't tell Emily my feelings....
That's enough for tonight. The friendship takes another year to die, but I think I can tell the story pretty quickly.
Fun moment for the still-single sibling: "Next year is going to be so boring. What can top two babies?"
I'm not sure how well I'm doing right now. I am happy that the baby arrived safely, and of course I will love it like a good auntie. Seeing the new parents, it just felt like intruding on a such a private moment, such a huge life changing moment, and one I don't think I'm ever going to have.
Also I've gotten zero messages on OKCupid. What am I doing wrong?
Anyways, I'd better continue with my story about Emily. Sorry to whoever is reading this, I don't think it's interesting to anyone but me.
For two years Emily and I worked on that film part-time, each of us taking jobs as opportunities arose, and then they started to arise more for her. During this time, my parents separate, hire lawyers and fight over money, I don't speak to my father for a year, my mother sells the house we've lived in for 17 years and we move 17 years worth of crap into a new house.
One day near the end of these two years, the day after Halloween, Emily wasn't at 'work', that is to say she wasn't at the space where we met to work on the film. The receptionist of the arts organization told me that Emily's boyfriend had phoned in to say Emily had spent the night in the hospital. I phoned her parents and left a message, and got no answer. I didn't have a phone number or email for the boyfriend, even though they'd been going out as long as I'd known her.
I was super panicked and started to cry. I kept phoning her parents and finally spoke her to dad. She was still in the hospital. She'd fallen and hit her head on the sidewalk while 'running from the police'? Her dad has a thick accent so I can't say for sure that's what he said, but that's what I heard. I went to see her in the hospital, and when I went into the room she was asleep and had a big purple bruise. I forgave her everything at that moment; I was so relieved she was okay. We visited and she was a bit evasive about what happened, she just said she was 'running, just running.' I never asked her what really happened that day and she never volunteered the story. She stayed at home to recover for the next few weeks and I went to visit her. She seemed grateful for that. She said she felt very different, like her personality had changed. I can't remember what exactly was said but I remember that time as being very surreal.
Weeks later I had a niggling feeling that it was weird that the boyfriend had called the arts organization, who really didn't care whether we were there or not, and not me. It must have been at her instruction, no? I mention this little incident because it seems like the beginning of the end...
I can't remember what happened the following winter and spring, but it must have been when she started to get some really good jobs and had no time for the project. That summer I hardly saw her at all. She had a job at the best place in town, and I was so jealous. Our mutual friend had moved to Seattle to live with her boyfriend (met online!) and Emily and I took a bus trip together. We did a lot of catching up and had really great conversations. She told me this guy who sat next to her at work, Adam, was flirting heavily with her and she really liked him. She still was dating her long-time boyfriend, and Adam had a girlfriend that he lived with. I actually encouraged her to go for it, since I didn't like her boyfriend all that much. After a few months of hearing about all the flirting, in the end Adam wouldn't leave his girlfriend and Emily was heartbroken.
But. There was another guy who sat on the other side of her at work, and he seemed to have a bit of a crush on her. Charlie was maybe 8 years older than us, and was a bit of a film-geek, really cheerful, had a tendency to talk too much if you got him started. It seemed he'd only had one girlfriend in his life, and they were still 'long-distance' but it was fading. He also still lived at home, at 34! Emily was friendly to Charlie and hung out with him a bit. She suspected he liked her and still spent a lot of time with him. She told me a lot about how lonely he was, and even suggested I go out with him. I was having none of that. No leftovers for me, thanks. But Emily still kept hanging out with him, and inviting him to hang out with the two of us. I'd meet her at the movies, and surprise! there he was. Her parents started to suspect things and discouraged the friendship because Emily is Chinese and Charlie was white. He even came to my house once with her, and they sat together under one blanket. I was annoyed.
My feelings, motives(?) at this time were mixed. He genuinely was a nice fellow and I would have been happy to have him as a friend. I let him come to my house I guess because I was encouraging the relationship. I thought Emily was probably lying to herself about her feelings. It made her feel good to be with him, but if she couldn't date him, either because she wouldn't leave her long-time boyfriend or because she couldn't stand up to her racist parents, she had to stop seeing Charlie even as a friend. I thought she was leading him on, or using him to get over Adam. She seemed pretty fickle to me, two guy in one summer while still with her boyfriend. I felt really badly for Charlie if she wouldn't go through with it. I tried to explain to her how much it hurts to be alone that long, how it feels to get your hopes up and have them dashed to pieces.... She just wanted things to go on as they were.
Her contract at that workplace ended and she was unemployed again. She didn't know how much her co-workers knew about the two love interests, but she felt she could never work there again. She threw herself into the old project, our never ending film.
We'd been working on the film for four years and it was a standing joke among our art friends to ask if we were finished yet. We actually rewrote it that fall and the end seemed in sight.
Emily told her boyfriend about both the work guys, and he felt he'd been cheated on, and said some not-very-nice things. In November they broke up for real. Emily was probably really depressed but she throws herself into work when she's sad. The film made some progress at this point and we decided we'd finally take that trip to Europe. Oh to be in Paris in April! Oh, to get away from all the turmoil at home!
I quit my teaching job that spring. Emily got another short gig, working with this really disorganized artist who needed someone to keep him on track. I planned the whole trip by myself since she was so stressed.
Just before we left, a guy she'd met at a wedding wrote to her and said he'd been very impressed by her. He lived in London and offered to let us stay at his place. I protested violently. No way was I staying at a stranger's place while he was hitting on my friend. I won that battle, I suppose, because we stayed at a hostel in London, but we did have to see him a few times. He bored me. One night she went out with him alone and stayed out quite late. I was alone in the hostel and just to make things better there was a fire alarm and we had to evacuate. When she finally came home I was crying quietly in my bed. The next day she mumbled one sentence about having to give it a try but that she didn't feel anything special for him. The subject was not mentioned again.
We travelled through England for three weeks. It was mostly alright, but we stick so close to each other when we travel there's bound to be fights. Travelling with a companion requires endless compromises and sacrifices and I can't help but feel some of her choices were a little selfish. Maybe mine were just as bad. Both of us were probably depressed at that point and had been for a long time. We'd both been through a lot. Travelling didn't solve our problems at home, or even let us leave them behind.
I remember one night she asked me if she had ruined her trip. I said no, there was nobody I'd rather have gone with.
One night, we were alone in a hostel room in some big old mansion in a little Yorkshire town. I started talking about my health problems (ovarian cysts) and from there the worry that no one would ever date me, and I started crying. She started talking about how she always notices nice looking guys with girls that aren't that attractive. I was so exhausted I didn't even see that as insulting until weeks later. She must have realized that wasn't a helpful observation and started repacking her bag, leaving me crying quietly on the floor.
Much later she apologized for not doing more at that moment.
Our last week was in Paris, and we fought almost the whole time. I am on a special diet, and Paris wasn't condusive to that. Do you think you can find multi-grain bread in Paris? They eat nothing but white bread and pastry. Emily was always eating sweet things in front of me. Meanwhile my digestion system was going haywire. Emily's friend from high school happened to be in Paris at the same time and we hung out with her a lot. I didn't think much of her, and she pretty much ignored me. We went to dinner one night to try real French food. I didn't want to go, I offered to leave them to it while I spent the evening exploring alone, but they insisted. They ordered food I couldn't eat, the friend was rude to the waiters, they talked about high school while I sat there miserably. I really thought I was going to cry at the table. And it wasn't so much at what they were doing, but disappointment at myself that I didn't have the skills to turn the evening around. I wasn't a food connoisseur, I didn't speak French, I couldn't find a way into the conversation, and when the high school friend asked if French people were Catholic or Christian I was pretty snotty.
Emily said quite fiercely it wasn't polite to discuss religion at dinner.
I think I went home alone. At the hostel I crawled into bed and fell into a dead sleep. I didn't hear Emily come in. She told me she cried herself to sleep that night. The next day she told me I was very rude not to join in the conversation. I didn't do a good job of defending myself, couldn't explain how much I hated myself at that moment, nor how rude I thought they had been to me.
Somehow we got through the last bit of the trip. Another airport separation without saying goodbye to each other, somehow another patched-up friendship. I was pretty disappointed with her behaviour. I remember phoning my friend Shelly when I got home and ranting and ranting. I don't know why I didn't tell Emily my feelings....
That's enough for tonight. The friendship takes another year to die, but I think I can tell the story pretty quickly.
Female Friend Drama Part I
Pretty quiet around here lately- I've just been cleaning the house and working. My brother's wife is due any day now so we're all just waiting for her to pop! Two babies, what's that going to be like? My sister and her husband bought a new (used) car today and came over to show it off. For all they complain about having no money, they sure seem to get nice stuff...These are the people that didn't give anyone Christmas presents last year (not that I'm bitter). However, my sister has always been a bit selfish, even my grandmother said so, and she's really really really improved lately, and we're getting along much better. Also my nephew was smiling and charming on this visit so it was alright. Now, if only my dog wasn't such a spaz around babies....
I feel the need to tell the story of how I stopped talking to my best friend Emily. It's been almost two years since we've spoken- is that right? Wow. I need to get over this! For a while I was waking up in the morning laying in bed cursing her name. Hating someone isn't really a good way to start your day.
When she left my life, unfortunately so did a lot of other people from our art school days. I feel like I've had to rebuild a lot of things. It's been hard, but I probably blame her more than I should.
Anyways, here goes:
I was in a small department in art school, just 15 people in the class and we were like a family at the end of our three years together. Emily was kinda the centre, the glue, of the group- she was friends with everyone and could make social events happen. She really needed, and probably still does, for people to like her, and she would go out of her way to please. In grad year the two of us became good friends. I wouldn't have finished my grad project without her help.
We had plans to go backpacking in Europe after grad, but then she found an unpaid internship in New York and applied. She wanted to go for a year, I got worried (needy?) and suggested we take a trip to New York before she decided. I used some airline points I had to pay for both our airfare. We were there for 10 days and had a good time, but the studio she would be interning at seemed even crummier than I had predicted! If it were me I would have backed out, but she still wanted to do at least 6 weeks internship.
Back at home, somehow, and I can't explain it now, I came up with the idea of us both doing the internship, and she agreed and we wrote to the studio and got permission. They weren't paying us, so what did they care? We had an idea we'd make an art project, a film, about our experiences in New York, and we sent in a grant application just before we left.
In New York- well we were two silly girls a bit scared at being on our own in a big city. The interning turned out to be a bore, with nothing to do. We did have a great time exploring the city and saw many unforgettable things, but we also got on each other's nerves. Food was always a struggle... as was trying to get solitary time in the small apartment. We hardly ever left each other's presence; it wasn't until week four that I actually went across town by myself.
Anyways, long story short, we fought on the last day and when we were picked up in the airport back home we weren't speaking to each other. A few weeks later- 'I miss you!'
Having no idea about how the real world worked, I thought we would start working on our film right away, so we could send it to film festivals and get lots of job offers. Instead, Emily got a job she hated, but we tried to work on it nights. Only Emily had social engagements almost every night and when we met she would confess she hadn't worked on our project. This went on for a while until I finally clued in and found a part-time job.
Then we found out we got a grant! Thrilling! I thought she would quit the job she hated so we could devote all our time to seriously working on the project. Nope. I was always angry at how little time she put into it, and probably jealous of her social life, but I was still at my part-time job, assistant teacher at a kids' art school, and I was surprised at how much I liked it. Emily and I still met once a week or so, until the day my dad left my mom. I was a wreck for a while and the project stalled. Eventually we had to finish up some paperwork for the grant, and we put something together, totally missing the deadline. It was now more than a year after the original NY trip and we still didn't have a finished product.
At that point we talked about whether we wanted to keep going. I sorta didn't want to, but she did, and so we agreed we'd take it more serious. We had gotten a grant after all. We found an arts organization willing to let us use some space for free, so we wouldn't have to meet in her parents' basement. For the record, the arts organziation was my idea. If only I'd known it was going to bite me in the butt later.
Two more years followed of still working on this bloody project. I kept my part time teaching job throughout. Emily worked more hours at the job she hated, then finally quit to devote herself to the project. However, there were two problem with that- she expected I'd do the same, which wasn't fair considering her record. (Much later she told me she was depressed at this time and jealous of how much I liked my job. I had no idea!) When I left in the afternoon to go teach, she'd still be working in the borrowed space at the arts organization. She started using this time to chat to the staff there and ended up getting lots of contacts and job offers! The tables turned again: she had lots of work that was well paid and artisically challlenging, and I was teaching kids part-time and getting burnt out.
Oh if only I had known it's not how good you are, it's who you know. Networking is how the world works. We had the same training, I'd say I was the better artist technically, but I can't network to save my life. Emily got jobs, which gave her experience, which led to more jobs. I was left in the dust.
I was also very jealous, while trying to be supportive, and secretly hoping Emily's success would be good for me too, since she could possibly get me a job as well.
It's hard to explain, but there would be all this tension while working together but if we did something "as friends" and left work behind we got along great. I'm remembering things out of order, this was all over several years. We were together nearly every single day and we talked a lot about our fighting. The film and real life began to imitate each other as we put more of the conflict and drama of the friendship into the film that was supposed to be about New York. The film was rewritten and rewritten, it was probably 5 different films in its evolution....
As rocky as the friendship was, it was still hugely important to me. Emily was my work and my play, since so many of my art friends were also connected to her... The day she hit her head was the beginning of the decline...
To be continued...
I feel the need to tell the story of how I stopped talking to my best friend Emily. It's been almost two years since we've spoken- is that right? Wow. I need to get over this! For a while I was waking up in the morning laying in bed cursing her name. Hating someone isn't really a good way to start your day.
When she left my life, unfortunately so did a lot of other people from our art school days. I feel like I've had to rebuild a lot of things. It's been hard, but I probably blame her more than I should.
Anyways, here goes:
I was in a small department in art school, just 15 people in the class and we were like a family at the end of our three years together. Emily was kinda the centre, the glue, of the group- she was friends with everyone and could make social events happen. She really needed, and probably still does, for people to like her, and she would go out of her way to please. In grad year the two of us became good friends. I wouldn't have finished my grad project without her help.
We had plans to go backpacking in Europe after grad, but then she found an unpaid internship in New York and applied. She wanted to go for a year, I got worried (needy?) and suggested we take a trip to New York before she decided. I used some airline points I had to pay for both our airfare. We were there for 10 days and had a good time, but the studio she would be interning at seemed even crummier than I had predicted! If it were me I would have backed out, but she still wanted to do at least 6 weeks internship.
Back at home, somehow, and I can't explain it now, I came up with the idea of us both doing the internship, and she agreed and we wrote to the studio and got permission. They weren't paying us, so what did they care? We had an idea we'd make an art project, a film, about our experiences in New York, and we sent in a grant application just before we left.
In New York- well we were two silly girls a bit scared at being on our own in a big city. The interning turned out to be a bore, with nothing to do. We did have a great time exploring the city and saw many unforgettable things, but we also got on each other's nerves. Food was always a struggle... as was trying to get solitary time in the small apartment. We hardly ever left each other's presence; it wasn't until week four that I actually went across town by myself.
Anyways, long story short, we fought on the last day and when we were picked up in the airport back home we weren't speaking to each other. A few weeks later- 'I miss you!'
Having no idea about how the real world worked, I thought we would start working on our film right away, so we could send it to film festivals and get lots of job offers. Instead, Emily got a job she hated, but we tried to work on it nights. Only Emily had social engagements almost every night and when we met she would confess she hadn't worked on our project. This went on for a while until I finally clued in and found a part-time job.
Then we found out we got a grant! Thrilling! I thought she would quit the job she hated so we could devote all our time to seriously working on the project. Nope. I was always angry at how little time she put into it, and probably jealous of her social life, but I was still at my part-time job, assistant teacher at a kids' art school, and I was surprised at how much I liked it. Emily and I still met once a week or so, until the day my dad left my mom. I was a wreck for a while and the project stalled. Eventually we had to finish up some paperwork for the grant, and we put something together, totally missing the deadline. It was now more than a year after the original NY trip and we still didn't have a finished product.
At that point we talked about whether we wanted to keep going. I sorta didn't want to, but she did, and so we agreed we'd take it more serious. We had gotten a grant after all. We found an arts organization willing to let us use some space for free, so we wouldn't have to meet in her parents' basement. For the record, the arts organziation was my idea. If only I'd known it was going to bite me in the butt later.
Two more years followed of still working on this bloody project. I kept my part time teaching job throughout. Emily worked more hours at the job she hated, then finally quit to devote herself to the project. However, there were two problem with that- she expected I'd do the same, which wasn't fair considering her record. (Much later she told me she was depressed at this time and jealous of how much I liked my job. I had no idea!) When I left in the afternoon to go teach, she'd still be working in the borrowed space at the arts organization. She started using this time to chat to the staff there and ended up getting lots of contacts and job offers! The tables turned again: she had lots of work that was well paid and artisically challlenging, and I was teaching kids part-time and getting burnt out.
Oh if only I had known it's not how good you are, it's who you know. Networking is how the world works. We had the same training, I'd say I was the better artist technically, but I can't network to save my life. Emily got jobs, which gave her experience, which led to more jobs. I was left in the dust.
I was also very jealous, while trying to be supportive, and secretly hoping Emily's success would be good for me too, since she could possibly get me a job as well.
It's hard to explain, but there would be all this tension while working together but if we did something "as friends" and left work behind we got along great. I'm remembering things out of order, this was all over several years. We were together nearly every single day and we talked a lot about our fighting. The film and real life began to imitate each other as we put more of the conflict and drama of the friendship into the film that was supposed to be about New York. The film was rewritten and rewritten, it was probably 5 different films in its evolution....
As rocky as the friendship was, it was still hugely important to me. Emily was my work and my play, since so many of my art friends were also connected to her... The day she hit her head was the beginning of the decline...
To be continued...
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