Pretty quiet around here lately- I've just been cleaning the house and working. My brother's wife is due any day now so we're all just waiting for her to pop! Two babies, what's that going to be like? My sister and her husband bought a new (used) car today and came over to show it off. For all they complain about having no money, they sure seem to get nice stuff...These are the people that didn't give anyone Christmas presents last year (not that I'm bitter). However, my sister has always been a bit selfish, even my grandmother said so, and she's really really really improved lately, and we're getting along much better. Also my nephew was smiling and charming on this visit so it was alright. Now, if only my dog wasn't such a spaz around babies....
I feel the need to tell the story of how I stopped talking to my best friend Emily. It's been almost two years since we've spoken- is that right? Wow. I need to get over this! For a while I was waking up in the morning laying in bed cursing her name. Hating someone isn't really a good way to start your day.
When she left my life, unfortunately so did a lot of other people from our art school days. I feel like I've had to rebuild a lot of things. It's been hard, but I probably blame her more than I should.
Anyways, here goes:
I was in a small department in art school, just 15 people in the class and we were like a family at the end of our three years together. Emily was kinda the centre, the glue, of the group- she was friends with everyone and could make social events happen. She really needed, and probably still does, for people to like her, and she would go out of her way to please. In grad year the two of us became good friends. I wouldn't have finished my grad project without her help.
We had plans to go backpacking in Europe after grad, but then she found an unpaid internship in New York and applied. She wanted to go for a year, I got worried (needy?) and suggested we take a trip to New York before she decided. I used some airline points I had to pay for both our airfare. We were there for 10 days and had a good time, but the studio she would be interning at seemed even crummier than I had predicted! If it were me I would have backed out, but she still wanted to do at least 6 weeks internship.
Back at home, somehow, and I can't explain it now, I came up with the idea of us both doing the internship, and she agreed and we wrote to the studio and got permission. They weren't paying us, so what did they care? We had an idea we'd make an art project, a film, about our experiences in New York, and we sent in a grant application just before we left.
In New York- well we were two silly girls a bit scared at being on our own in a big city. The interning turned out to be a bore, with nothing to do. We did have a great time exploring the city and saw many unforgettable things, but we also got on each other's nerves. Food was always a struggle... as was trying to get solitary time in the small apartment. We hardly ever left each other's presence; it wasn't until week four that I actually went across town by myself.
Anyways, long story short, we fought on the last day and when we were picked up in the airport back home we weren't speaking to each other. A few weeks later- 'I miss you!'
Having no idea about how the real world worked, I thought we would start working on our film right away, so we could send it to film festivals and get lots of job offers. Instead, Emily got a job she hated, but we tried to work on it nights. Only Emily had social engagements almost every night and when we met she would confess she hadn't worked on our project. This went on for a while until I finally clued in and found a part-time job.
Then we found out we got a grant! Thrilling! I thought she would quit the job she hated so we could devote all our time to seriously working on the project. Nope. I was always angry at how little time she put into it, and probably jealous of her social life, but I was still at my part-time job, assistant teacher at a kids' art school, and I was surprised at how much I liked it. Emily and I still met once a week or so, until the day my dad left my mom. I was a wreck for a while and the project stalled. Eventually we had to finish up some paperwork for the grant, and we put something together, totally missing the deadline. It was now more than a year after the original NY trip and we still didn't have a finished product.
At that point we talked about whether we wanted to keep going. I sorta didn't want to, but she did, and so we agreed we'd take it more serious. We had gotten a grant after all. We found an arts organization willing to let us use some space for free, so we wouldn't have to meet in her parents' basement. For the record, the arts organziation was my idea. If only I'd known it was going to bite me in the butt later.
Two more years followed of still working on this bloody project. I kept my part time teaching job throughout. Emily worked more hours at the job she hated, then finally quit to devote herself to the project. However, there were two problem with that- she expected I'd do the same, which wasn't fair considering her record. (Much later she told me she was depressed at this time and jealous of how much I liked my job. I had no idea!) When I left in the afternoon to go teach, she'd still be working in the borrowed space at the arts organization. She started using this time to chat to the staff there and ended up getting lots of contacts and job offers! The tables turned again: she had lots of work that was well paid and artisically challlenging, and I was teaching kids part-time and getting burnt out.
Oh if only I had known it's not how good you are, it's who you know. Networking is how the world works. We had the same training, I'd say I was the better artist technically, but I can't network to save my life. Emily got jobs, which gave her experience, which led to more jobs. I was left in the dust.
I was also very jealous, while trying to be supportive, and secretly hoping Emily's success would be good for me too, since she could possibly get me a job as well.
It's hard to explain, but there would be all this tension while working together but if we did something "as friends" and left work behind we got along great. I'm remembering things out of order, this was all over several years. We were together nearly every single day and we talked a lot about our fighting. The film and real life began to imitate each other as we put more of the conflict and drama of the friendship into the film that was supposed to be about New York. The film was rewritten and rewritten, it was probably 5 different films in its evolution....
As rocky as the friendship was, it was still hugely important to me. Emily was my work and my play, since so many of my art friends were also connected to her... The day she hit her head was the beginning of the decline...
To be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment