An experience

I am contemplating deleting the blog.  If it keeps going it might turn into a blog about stroke recovery.  Well, that and my first relationship.  It's a bit of a weird story!
I think I'll leave the blog up..There were days when I felt completely alone and that there was something wrong with me and reading other people's blogs helped so much.  So, so much!
I received a comment on my last post that was short and sweet and helped clarify things about Walrus.  It's an 'experience'.  I think I keep seeing him because it's exciting, the ups and the downs.  It's a roller coaster but it's better than this endless waiting, and it's making me realize things about myself.  Like how massively repressed I am for one thing.  I finally started to like kissing.  I haven't been able to do my homework because I'm thinking about prickly-beard kisses on my neck.
And oh it is nice to put your head on someone's shoulder.
I waited so long for this.
I only hope I'm not lying to myself, just 'taking what I can get' because I turned 30.  Sometimes dealing with the stroke stuff isn't fun.  What an obvious statement!  If we're out together and he gets tired or overstimulated, it's all stroke, no Walrus.
I have been reading as much as I can about strokes.  It's still very early and I have faith that he'll continue to improve by leaps and bounds.  But should I bet on that?  Because if he doesn't get better, I'm not sure I'll be happy once the novelty of kissing wears off.  I should like him as he is now.  I remind myself how intrigued I was by his profile; I never looked at anybody else.  He treats me beautifully and I feel special.  But I wonder if I'm actually smitten with this fantasy I have of what he was/will be, and not with him now.  He's rebuilding his life almost from scratch.  Do I want to get built in?  Does he have to do that alone?