Not much to report. I write to clear my head.
We finished the group project for the contest...nearly killed each other but we finished. We didn't win, but the finished product looks pretty good considering....At least it's raising money for charity.
Nothing like a group project to show you yourself in the worst light. When working on artistic projects with non-artists, I get frustrated and let's face it, pretty bossy.
I have another big project due in two weeks and lots of little 'gigs' so I'm busy. I can pretend I'm a professional artist (almost) making a living, at least for the next month.
Walrus:
We talk daily and see each other once or twice a week. It was his birthday recently and I took him to a movie, as well as went to dinner at his parents'. I sometimes feel uneasy with the friendship. His evil ex-fiancee keeps coming up in conversation. More examples of her selfishness were revealed. Walrus seemed to want to talk about her, and I let him. I get a little upset when she is mentioned. Why did she get seven years with Walrus when I only got 10 months? I was so much better to him than she was. We broke up and I'm still good to him.
I asked what her good points were and he said, "Well, she was a lot of fun." My eyes watered. I am many good things, but I am not fun.
Then he said "But she's fat and miserable and alone, and I'm sitting....in front of an open bar." (Between Walrus and the open bar was sitting me. I wanted to say 'You're alone too, moron. You had a nice girlfriend and you lost her'. Also I suspect Evil Ex is dating again, but I wasn't going to tell him that)
More and more I look at Walrus and feel that I am not in love with him. At the same time my hand longs to slip into his. It's my ego, not my heart. A little bit my heart...
The evil ex came up because Walrus' best friend is going to leave his wife. I've met the best friend several times, the wife once. He's a good guy, always cheerful. Turns out the wife has been making him sleep on the floor for months. Then we talked about other dysfunctional relationships among our friends. This is a weird topic for exes to discuss.
Operation FML:
Well, the last week was spent working 12 hour days on this stupid contest. Now that's it's over, I'm taking a look at what needs to be done. I can't get caught up in these crazy deadlines and allow myself to break all the rules about healthy living. I need to send out another bunch of resumes and clean up the mess from the project and start doing yoga in the mornings and stop eating wheat and meat! I need to FOCUS. I'm not getting anywhere on any of my goals and it's discouraging. I think I have too many goals.
Also health problems continue and I'm worried.
OKC:
The out of town guy who wanted to meet and then never organized anything wrote a week later and said, 'Sorry, didn't end up coming into town after all, but will visiting in December." I wrote back something neutral, I mean I didn't try to organize a meet-up at a later date, but was open to more communication until then, and he didn't write back.
Since then, I have been talking to another guy. He has an old-fashioned name. I didn't think any baby had been christened this name in the last 50 years. It's like Kermit or Jasper- a name you can't take quite seriously. (I actually like both those names but wouldn't actually name a boy either one) OKC tells me that we are 67% compatible, 20% enemies. I couldn't find anything in his profile that would explain why the numbers were so low (except that he is a foodie and I won't eat anything; he likes Ayn Rand and I think she's evil), so I wrote back. There was some small talk and it was going nowhere.
I must have been in a mood because I fired off 'Why did you write to me? I don't see much that we have in common. I hate Ayn Rand and I don't drink beer (a major part of his profile was describing his home-brewing hobby.)' I wrote some more so it didn't sound quite so rude, but it was basically pretty rude. He (let's call him Jasper) wrote back that he liked that I was artsy and had a sense of humour. His basic philosophy was that OKC's numbers don't matter that much and he was willing to meet with anyone whose profile didn't scare him and see what happened. Jasper thought different points of view made things interesting. I said if he still wanted to meet, I was up for it, but I think I've made it awkward since I wasn't exactly welcoming his interest.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to feel like I'm inventing reasons to reject people and I don't want to feel like I have to meet everyone who asks me when I'm clearly not excited about it. I've been told I expect those closest to me to think exactly like me on political and moral issues...and even taste in music.
I've heard that it's compatible personalities that matter, not similar interests. I read a Psychology Today article that said couples who are similar have better relationships short term, but long term, having different ways of navigating the world and learning how each others' strengths and weaknesses compliment each other is much more successful.
My instinct is that someone who loves food and beer is going to be frustrated with me on a daily basis. We just won't have similar ideas of fun. I want to go vegetarian- we'd have to cook separate meals.
Maybe I won't want this forever, but at the moment I really want someone who cares about the environment, someone who is willing to carry around a metal straw and bamboo cutlery and reusable shopping bags so they don't add disposable plastic to a landfill. A weird thing to look for as a number one quality in a man...
I just think having similar lifestyles and similar goals are necessary for a happy relationship.
But what do I know?
I'm so naive.
Hi Eleanor,
ReplyDeleteI was unsure about the whole % friend/enemy on OKC too, and how much stock I should put in it. I'm a non-drinking (beer is yucky) vegetarian, and B eats meat and homebrews as well! When he cooks for me, he just doesn't include meat, and when we order out, we each just get what we want. Not that big a deal. It's important to respect each other's choices is all. Not gonna lie--I'd be happy if he went veg, too, but clearly it's his choice. He understands my reasons for being veg and isn't a huge meat eater anyway. As for the beer--he doesn't drink it all the time, and doesn't get drunk. It's just something he enjoys, and I don't have to be a part of it. Also, there's a good chance your OKC guy will be more environmentally aware because homebrewing uses glass bottles, etc. and there's a lot of reuse. B thinks single-use plastic bottles are ridiculous, and that was way before I came along. There's patience and skill and community in homebrewing, too, btw--it's not at all just "Yay, beer!" Anybody who puts thought and effort and time into something handmade gets a plus in my book, whether it's visual art or imbibe-able art. Good luck!
Jasper didn't write back and I know he was online, so I think I forced the issue a bit too bluntly. Oh well. I'm not sure, but it sounded like he made beer for a living, and he really liked big hunks of meat on the BBQ. Neither of those things are deal-breakers in themselves. I eat some meat. He seemed to think he could convert me into a foodie and I withdrew. I'm sensitive enough already about my diet and not drinking; people seem to think they can just put new foods in front of me and I will see the light.
ReplyDeleteI just didn't feel excited about his profile or the conversation.
Did B's profile interest you? Were you excited to meet him or just neutral?
I think I kept myself neutral/ teensiest bit cautiously optimistic each of the three times I met someone from OKC. B revealed very little in his profile. (Only answered 20 questions! Can't base too much on that.) I don't even remember now what I knew about him when we met. Honestly, that he had a degree in history and library science was enough for me to want to meet him. (For example, I don't care that we don't read much of the same stuff; I just love that he READS.)
ReplyDeleteRe the food thing--becoming a vegetarian has forced me to give food I didn't think I liked a new look. (That, or have a limited diet.) I've discovered that I'd make a judgement after having something once, and it turns out that I just needed to try it prepared in different ways than the first experience (ex: sweet potato, eggplant, squash, chard, still working on kale).
From what I've just written, I can see that learning to have an open mind and not make quick judgements (about men or food!) is something that I've been working on a long time and that I still remind myself about. I think that's what growing up is for me--coming out from my sheltered life, from buying and preparing food my own way to interacting with new people and learning how to speak up, when not to, etc.
I think if you write back a forth a few times with someone, and there's really nothing interesting there then might as well reach out to someone else.
It's been 5 months since I broke up with Walrus and what I want right now is probably a reaction to what didn't work with him.
ReplyDeleteI've met four men from online dating sites, and every time my imagined version of them hasn't fit the real person. I was so excited about Walrus' profile and ignored the parts I didn't like.
My profile mentions my concern for the environment several times, and nobody who writes to me mentions it. That guy E did, but it turns out height and a deep voice were more important to me than green living.
Over the years I've been watching myself change. In some ways I'm getting more open-minded and in other ways I'm closing down... I am so confused because I feel like I should have accepted Walrus as he was and loved him more and not tried to change him, and then other people tell me I shouldn't have put up with what I did.
Online dating is so weird- it's like a catalogue and it's easy to forget you're not ordering a Boyfriend Ken Doll- you're talking to real people. Walrus was a real person but the whole experience was sort of unreal. It didn`t fulfill my fantasies of what a boyfriend should be like and now I`m....well I`m feeling very sorry for myself and dreaming of something better while rejecting men who want to meet me.
and this has gotten rather long.