Added a new blog to the roll on the side. Not a virginity blog, but a single 20-something with sarcasm to spare. Since I always am reading about scientific studies of happiness, this post was refreshing.
Still coughing. Did first camp with youth. It went ok, not amazing. I like the kids, should be a good summer.
Saw Big Hands at a fundraiser on the weekend, and will see him again this week at last discussion group. He knows my name and greets me when he sees me. Fairly proud of my progress so far in befriending him but not sure how to take it further. Funny how I think he's amazing and a huge dork at the same time. His button-up shirts tucked in to ill-fitting jeans, the way he nods his head with his whole neck... Still can't actually picture me putting my head on his shoulder or anything like that...don't know what it is but it just doesn't feel like a match.
Was asked to teach Sunday art classes for kids again in the fall. Didn't want to, but accepted it, seemed like the safest thing to do. Felt like by doing so, I was resigning myself to more of this piecemeal work, short gigs, contact work, the life I'm so tired of.
Feeling like I don't know who I am. Well, with no career, no life partner, no social circle, and changing values, what do I expect? All I can do is follow my heart and gut and hope I figure it out by trying things.
Just now I tried to update my profile on Plenty of Fish. I closed my OKCupid one, but I had an old POF one that I hadn't. It had no picture and only a short description. No one ever wrote to me and I kept it just to browse if I was bored. POF is so hard to search for potential matches, and it feels kinda trashy. I just look at the photos of the men it suggests as my matches and I wouldn't hire them, never mind date them. What are all these Jersey Shore types doing in my city? Anyways, I thought maybe I'd write a long witty profile with no photo and maybe one person out there would answer it. It would be like buying a lottery ticket, the chances are small but the hope still lives. But I couldn't write it. The old anxieties came rushing in- still living at home, not really working, not sexually experienced, a bit overweight and a bit sloppy, more than a little awkward....
Okay, overwhelmed again.
Maybe you have a friend crush on bighands? I've had them in the past, the 'you're so awesome I want to be you. No I want to date you. No I want to be your friend!' type of wildly swinging emotions, I didn't enjoy them one bit. Really confusing...
ReplyDeleteAs for not knowing who you are or where you are or where you're going, please add me to the club. I wish I had the get up to try new things, I'm just feeling so flat these last weeks trying a new type of yoghurt seems too hard.
Kudos to you for the whole online dating, I'm too scared to even put up a profile, on the bright side I'm hearing of more and more people meeting and hitting it off using online dating so there's some hope at least :)
Best of luck with it.
Vanessa
I sat next to Big Hands last night at discussion group and was pretty silly over him the whole time. Squeeeee! But it still might be a friend crush. I am so impressed with all the projects/community engagement stuff he's doing, and it's what I wish I could be. But, he's a little bit physically smaller than I am!
ReplyDeleteOnline dating is still more or less on hold, although the lame POF profile is out there.
Trying new things is what keeps me going.
Enjoy it! I wish I got that feeling more often to be honest, it's a rare person that makes me squeee! :)
ReplyDeleteVanessa
Hey Eleanor! Longtime reader, first time poster.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post link (yes, I do whatever I want)! That is what is keeping me happy so far. The best new thing for me: traveling! Whether it's in the neighborhood or going out of town, there's always something to do (and someone to talk to).
I do have one guy that I am friends with and have known him since childhood, but I don't think we'd be a good match either, despite my attraction to him, so we are not as close as we could be. But I don't mind hanging with him when our schedules let up.
Online dating was an adventure in itself, and I am hesitant to try again. Some dates were nice, but disappeared after that. Some were downright nasty and left me wondering why we met up offline in the first place. So I stopped that and focused on who I wanted to be and my hobbies. And yes, it was on POF (I will NEVER go back there again).
Hey Natasha :)
DeleteI admire your traveling! How do you find it being (I'm assuming) by yourself? Are you ever nervous?
Vanessa
It depends, but I try to be somewhat sociable despite the anxiety. Striking up a conversation about how anxious/nervous/excited tends to help if I'm going anywhere; it helps pass the time. If it's something that I want to do on my own, I go on ahead and do it (I live in the Chicagoland, IL area; it's best to let someone know these days). Sometimes I travel with friends, but I prefer being on my own from time to time.
DeleteWell go you! I'd love to visit Chicago one day :)
DeleteVanessa