Nerdboy is playing video games. We've just been out running errands. We nearly had a quarrel in the store because he wanted to buy a (brand name) cleaning product with bleach and I only want to use the kinds that say 'natural' and 'green' on it. He said flat out he'd buy it when I wasn't there and I said, "You're going to do what you want anyways" and he picked up a bottle and put it in our basket. I should have at least made my case that this product gets a failing grade from Environmental Working Group and that we should at least try green cleaner alternatives first...Now I've got a bottle of this poisonous stuff in my house.
Same old conflict. He said, "Your first reaction is always no." I said, "That is true. My basic position for everything is we don't need to buy this. It means I have to convince myself to let stuff into my life"
We got three new dishclothes, victory for me. I think I mentioned he has one smelly cloth and I was raised to use a clean one every day.
Oh, little details. You learn so much about yourself when faced with how other people live. I need a new way to deal with our conflicting viewpoints, I can't just take the moral high ground, as I see it, and refuse to make my case or listen to his needs. I just feel like I'm informed about environmental issues and he isn't and of course he should try to save the earth, by doing what I tell him. Other than recycling, I'm not making much headway with his habits.
I went to visit Instafriend, she's been having health struggles and she's feeling a little low. I told her about Nerdboy not understanding the issue that's most important to me. I'm feeling alternately angry and depressed about all the ways the world is messed up, and let's face it, people don't care. (Even I don't care ALL the time. I bought some cheap storage basket today and Nerdboy teased me it was made by child labour, and it probably was. But it was perfect to fit under our dresser!)
Ok, I'm getting off track. The basic point is that I read depressing books about environmental issues, almost constantly, and I want to talk to someone about them, and I'm feeling lonely. Very lonely. Instafriend does share some of my environmental concerns so at least talking to her helped a bit. And she talked about her marriage, about some of the troubles they've had, the big fight when her husband brought home a giant TV, how she's come to accept his video game habit. They're actually a good couple, they support each other, they have a social life, regular date nights and go swimming together weekly. But early in their marriage, he hit her once and she almost left him. There could be dark times in any long term relationship.
She said she didn't realize how much marriage formally committed her to her choice. She chose her husband, she chose to love him even though some things will always drive her crazy.
Instafriend said some perhaps insightful things about Nerdboy- I talked about him fighting so hard to create an identity different from his parents', and having them accept him...I told her a little about how he's done everything sexually and mostly to please his partners.... and that he jumps onto my art projects, all my projects actually, and has advise or wants to get involved. (these little tidbits were revealed in a long conversation and at the end she put them together into a theory-- maybe he's still struggling with his own identity, he's so willing to latch on to others'. It could explain why he was so devastated when his last partner left him. He has his quirks, he does know himself and is somewhat self-aware, but...
...he seems to have no dreams. His hobbies aren't challenging, he isn't involved with any groups, he has few friends. This is so bizarre to me. I'm an artist, I'm head-in-the-clouds, pie-in-the-sky. I am always, always, always, reading about big ideas, making stuff and creating, finding something wrong with me I want to work on, and dreaming of what I want to to be, and what I want the world to be.
His dreams seem to be 'what I'd do if I won the lottery' type stuff.
He is just coming out of a depression, last year. We've been together such a short time still. Not yet 6 months. I haven't actually asked him what he wants from life. Instafriend thought I should tell him that I think volunteering is sexy. I don't want him to do it for me. Oh, it's a little bit of a lie every time somebody says that. If he did it for me, I'd be thrilled. But I hope that he finds it worthwhile for himself. (I read some books on behavior change- start doing the behavior, it becomes part of your identity and you justify how it fits your identity and values after.)
It's hard to explain, but I feel like if I could just ignore my loftier ambitions in life, I'd be content with life as it is. Day to day life, squabbles aside, is quietly happy. Going to sleep with someone's arms around you- pretty darn nice. Nerdboy and I have fun together, we're playful, we have projects to do, we both like efficiency in certain ways so we get things done. There are lots of reasons why I'm with him.
And I'm trying to start making money as an artist, and I like thinking like an entrepreneur, it's sorta like playing 'Lemonade Tycoon' in real life.... But in real life I worry about making decorative items when people have so much stuff already....I want art to be a publicly owned good, I don't want to make trinkets....that's a bit hard to explain quickly but to sum up, what I want to do for a living doesn't quite jive with my vision for the world. Environmental activism doesn't make money...I don't want fancy stuff but I would love to own a house and land of my own someday.
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