Well, let's just start off the day with a blog post title from "Oliver"the musical. Ha!
I just need to think this over, and Nerdboy's not a good listener when I talk like this. He doesn't like it when I'm negative about myself, and maybe he's right. I don't want to keep complaining about the same stuff but neither do I believe in positivity at any cost.
I have gained ten pounds this year....Nerdboy keeps candy around and is a great cook. We do jog sometimes, but it's slipped lately. I gain weight on my stomach and it's grossing me out. I hate that I've become someone who thinks about weight this much but I do. I was a size 8, size 6 even, when I started writing this blog and now I'm probably a 12 or 14.
And at the moment I've got a handful of little jobs and am trying to schedule them all. I had two interviews last week and I had a trial shift for one....(something crummy in retail.) I'm trying to prepare stuff for craft fair season... A year with Nerdboy and so many job applications, so many interviews, so much money-stress.... My confidence is shattered and I make myself sick with nerves in the days before an interview, because I really need a job. And my energy is going in so many directions...
I'm facing the reality that I can't jump in to being a full time artist right now. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts about illustration and comics and commercial art. The internet means artists aren't just competing with other artists in town, but with the best in the world. And maybe I've been overconfident in my skills. I can draw, but I'm not good with colour. I haven't had anything published for a while, I haven't had a show. I don't really have a body of work (I stopped making art while back at school...), I have a bunch of half-finished projects. I went to school for something more film/television and never entered the industry...and now my skills are ten years out of date, not to mention rusty.
So I think I'm in a funk of regret and grieving for my wasted 20s. I didn't fall in love, hardly travelled, haven't ever really had a 'real job', Seriously, what was I doing? And I was reminded recently of how hard I worked at drawing when I was a teen. I spent my free blocks in the library copying old masters. I carried a sketchbook and my favourite art books everywhere.
Life as an artist is hard. I think there are big Societal Reasons why that is, and no, it isn't fair, but that's how it is. If I want to make it, I have to work hard. If I want to lose weight, I have to work hard, same thing.
But I finally have a boyfriend and I want to indulge myself in that!
Spend evenings drawing or cuddling? Guess what I'm going to pick? (I have been trying to work at night more...this is the cost of dating a morning person when I'm most creative at night.)
I think weird stuff is going on for me. I still don't believe my life is real. I've shared a bed with someone every night since December! Sex is the weirdest thing ever! I have no idea what goes on in his head! Wait, why am I randomly crying again?
I was watching 'I Capture the Castle' on Netflix. (I read the book as a teen, by the author of 101 Dalmations) and cried when the 18 year old main character Cassandra had her first make-out session. "That never happened to me, waaaaaaah, and my relationship with sexuality is stunted waaaaaah and I wasn't that sad about it when I was 18, or even 25 but now that I have sex I'm sadder than ever about it and this makes no sense waaaaaaaah"
I don't think it's because I'm unhappy with Nerdboy. There are issues, yeah, but I think we're doing okay. It's just finally dealing with "I wasn't cuddled for a decade and now I'm insecure"
As a teen, I got good grades, I was smart, and in my little high school I seemed to be a major talent. I wasn't cool and I wasn't confidant socially, but I never saw my life going this way. I thought I'd be successful. I guess every kid thinks great things are coming for them....
This is exactly the kind of talk that Nerdboy won't hear from me. He's gone closer to rock bottom than me, and climbed back up...(he is unable to talk about it, I think....) But I want to say to someone that I'm taking a hard look at where I am and I'm a little overwhelmed, and scared...
okay, time to get to work. Writing this out makes me feel like I'm indulging myself.
I don't think you're indulging yourself; I think writing things out is always a good thing. I also think that the whole love/marriage/kids scenario most of us imagine hardly ever works out. That's what the 20s are for, right? Because of course by the time we're 30 that means we're grownups, right? I wonder how many people think they've "wasted" their 20s? I know I feel that way sometimes. I'm 33 and what am I doing? I struggle with this: perhaps we're not all meant to be really good at something or find the perfect career or whatever. Maybe there isn't an a+b+c=fulfilling life for everyone... I think many of us keep searching throughout life. I do feel like I have all this time and privilege and I'm letting it pass me by...while I read blogs on the Internet... Sigh. Hang in there, Eleanor!
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