We need to talk..

I need to talk to  Nerdboy about sex and I'm putting it off.  I think it won't change anything and I'll just cry my way though it.

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A deep suspicion that I already see the end of this relationship but I'm not ready to leave yet.

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We're having sex about once a week, and I'm going crazy.  And you know what, I didn't have successful sex until age 32, I think I'm allowed to be a bit sex-crazy.  I don't even think I need that much more than the current situation, maybe twice a week and I'd be smugly satisfied.  The problem is that I have no control over when it happens...
well, actually....I want more sex, and yet I'm a little bored by what we're doing now.

Nerdboy has told me he is against scheduling sex.  Which sounds like something I'd agree with, but it translates into 'we can never talk about sex in the future tense ever'
The first time this came up, we were in the car on a saturday afternoon and I said something suggestive about plans for the evening.  The response I got was almost angry...I was totally bewildered.  I thought I was being cute.  And it was the first time I'd tried to be flirty like that and I got a total shut down.

And for (Canadian) Thanksgiving we had dinner with his parents, something we both dread, and before we left,  I suggested that when we came home we could get me drunk and maybe get frisky. He said 'no scheduling sex'.

I have been drunk once in my life, and it was five years ago.  (We saw a play where a character wished her tee-totalling boyfriend would give in to the abandon of drunk sex, and surprisingly my interest was sparked.)  So if I ever have drunk sex, it's going to need a bit of planning.

At that point it had been a week without sex and I was a little frantic.  He doesn't get that if I suggest sex later, I'm really saying "I've been going crazy for three days and I don't know how to get through to you."  I added the drunk sex as a novelty to see if we could get around his rule, because frankly I hate it.

I don't initiate sex because I've been rejected more times than I've been successful.  Me trying to seduce him seems farcical.

And then the day after that incident, we had morning sex, initiated almost aggressively by him.  I was barely awake.

Argh!  He doesn't realize he's controlling this so completely.
He gets anxious if I expect sex later, I get anxious when I hope for sex all the time and can't read the signals.

What is going on with him?  He's had sex with at least a 100 partners.  Did he use up all his mojo?

He told me we were sexually compatible and I didn't really know what that meant.  At the time I was pleased.  But my sexuality was so unformed, I took all my cues from him.  And now I have ideas of my own. There are things I'd be open to trying that I know he's not into... (nothing too spicy, just different positions and things involving boobs.  I wish he was more into boobs.)

I want to experiment a little with sex.  Neither of us really knows what I like.  I want it to be fun, this process of exploring it together.  I still haven't had an orgasm ever, and only rarely experience high levels of pleasure.  Mostly sex is just interesting.  And lately even a little boring, which is a BIG DEAL because I've only been having sex for a year.  I still occasionally have pain as he enters me, I had hoped we were done with that but that would have been just too easy...

I bring all these hangups about sex and maybe I can't expect Nerdboy to be my sex therapist but I thought his openness about sex would be good for me.  I never guessed I'd be the one asking for more.