Second Date

Well, we seem to like each other.
Silver Fox phoned to say he would be late.  I met him at the bus and we went to my studio and I showed him what I was working on.  It was fun at first but then I got embarrassed by the 'show and tell'.
We walked up to a pub for dinner and we played Scrabble.
I was not really feeling it.  He's very intellectual and wanted to discuss philosophy and politics constantly.  Which I like, but I was having trouble keeping up with the jargon and was a bit worried he was emotionally locked up or something.  And he has small feminine hands that are a bit disappointing.
The board game helped us relax I think.  I had a girly drink, so I got a bit light headed.  He just had coffee.

The pub was crowded and noisy so we went for a walk and ended up in a park.  And I asked somewhat personal questions and at last we were really talking.  I could get a sense of who he was.
He is very shy.  Very very shy.  But he did manage to ask me out (not even 24 hours after his breakup).

We talked about the environment, and childhood (he was bullied) and family and it was getting dark and we looked at the stars.  He asked if I liked OKCupid.  I laughed.  Uh, no.  I told him about the guy who wanted me to grow my hair long.  I said quietly, 'You're the only person I ever messaged'
He said, I'm honoured.

Finally I said I couldn't sit any longer and we walked back to the bus.  He got quiet.  He said something about wishing there were better movies out, which I think was a lead up to planning a second date but we got sidetracked talking about movies.

Another pause, and he said "I'm glad you messaged me because I like you."

I slipped my hand into his.  He said, "you have soft hands.  Well, one, anyways."

We let go to go on a narrow part of the path and he didn't pick it up again when we were walking side by side again.  I was wondering how this was going to end when he said, "I get very shy about these things but would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?"  And I turned and faced him and we did two short kisses.  He has a bit of suction to his kisses!  Nerdboy didn't kiss much.

His bus came, another quick kiss and a wave goodbye.
He wrote to say he had a great time and hopes to hang out soon.

I feel excited.  A bit of confusion.  Nerdboy is still around.  We saw a movie together last week, and text frequently.  And his parents are moving to Small City and he said he was  seriously thinking of moving there too.  Specifically, because I had suggested he come with me if I go.  (On the night we cuddled on his couch)

I can't help but compare the old with the new.  Silver Fox can converse at a much deeper level than Nerdboy.  But he is also very shy and dislikes loud and noisy environments.  He can't cook or drive and I'm guessing he's not good at fixing or building.  I would say Nerdboy and I had a more similar sense of fun.   So Nerdboy got a bit of a nostalgia glow for a moment, but there were also real problems in empathy and closeness.

So.  How to draw boundaries with Nerdboy?  Should I move cities?  Should I not be dating if leaving?

Silver Fox

So, my first date as a single woman.
We met today for coffee, around 3pm.  Afternoon dates are weird because there's no set end time. I had suggested 2 hours, I could have pretended to have an evening engagement but I didn't.

We met at a coffee shop, I was early.  Silver Fox (as I have nicknamed him) had bought some books at a used book store and we talked about those.  He is studying philosophy and very easily slips into 'lecture mode' and uses a lot of big words I don't get.  I am pretty happy to discuss big ideas, so I tried to hang in there but sometimes I had to stop him.

Conversation was awkward at first but I did get a quick sketch of his life.  People are so surprising. He dropped out of high school and went to alternative school.  He's also a former smoker.  He seems really straight-laced.

After two drinks in the cafe we went wandering and found a park to sit in.
When we looked at the clock, it was almost 7pm.

So we are going to see each other again.
He wrote to say he was feeling shy today and hoped he wasn't too awkward.

I don't know what I think.  It was a very intellectual discussion, above my head, and I could only get a few glimpses of him as a person.

We hugged, if you're wondering, and that's it.

And then stuff happens...

Ok where to start.
1.  Honest Abe had a line in his profile that said, I don't care if you have a few extra pounds but if you don't have a full body shot in your profile I'm going to ask.  Well, I don't have a full body shot up, so I decided to get that issue out of the way and said I was about a size 12.
I got this message back that said he didn't know what that meant so he looked at lingerie models online but couldn't tell if he'd be attracted to me. He then went on to say he'd probably demand I grow my hair long.
I told him I was not interested.  You want a woman with long hair, I want someone who respects my grooming choices.

Do you think he had a full body shot posted on his profile, the hypocrite?

2.  Nerdboy.
So, much of this is my fault.  I had his picnic bag to return, and we had requested a movie at the library six months ago and it finally came my turn.  So, I suggested I come by Sunday evening to drop off the bag, and I'd watch the movie, and then he could watch the movie and then return it.  He said, let's watch it together.

Bad idea, but of course I agree.  So I go over to his place, and he makes dinner, and we just seem so happy to see each other, I joke he should move to Small City with me.  And then we put on the fairly romantic movie, and we're sitting next to each other on the couch.  Elbows touch.  Shoulders touch.  I lean on his shoulder.  We play with each other's hands.  That's all that happened.  We cuddled through the movie.  I did say stuff like "we've done this before" and 'What are we doing?'
After we played MarioKart.
I went home, and at the door, there was a long hug  "I missed you"  "I missed you too"
"You think about this"
"I screwed it up"  (that evening, or the whole relationship?)

I went home thinking we were on the cusp of trying again.
Monday morning woke up to a random text from him about the movie 'The Martian'
He was silent all day.  I cried.
Tuesday I had dinner with him again and we went for a walk.  and he talked about online dating, camping, other future plans, in a way that signaled to me that we were just friends in his mind.  He said he wasn't dating Eldorada, she had a boyfriend, but she lived near by and they hung out often.  Then we went to her house to pick up something so I HAD TO MEET HER!  It was a very weird day.  We didn't talk about Sunday.  But I went back to his house and we watched tv, not touching and then he sorta moved his shoulder towards me meaningfully and we cuddled again.
Wednesday he helped with my waste volunteer project.  (Which he didn't do when we were together!)
Friday we went for a walk, totally platonic.  He joked about me sleeping on his porch because we both need to be at the same place tomorrow.
Tomorrow I see him again for the arts festival we used to do together.

I think friends-with-cuddling-privileges is a bit weird but maybe it's how we're saying goodbye.
Today I feel like I love him dearly but don't need to be in a relationship any more.
I guess it would still feed my ego to still be wanted by him.

3.  Home
Car went to shop, car came back undriveable and the mechanic is on vacation.  I don't know what he did but it feels like the handbrake is always on.
Mom is having minor surgery and will need to rest for a month.
The battle against the mice continues.
This is all very stressful.
I got my hair cut and dyed.  I like it.


4.  Silver Fox
Oh some good news, maybe?  I noticed today that Silver Fox had his profile back up.  I had written to him, he had just got back together with his girlfriend, we bumped into each other later, we follow each other on Twitter.
I was planning to write to him.  His twitter showed he had gotten dumped maybe a day ago.
I thought I'd wait a day or two, considering what he'd just gone through.
Nope, he wrote to me.
I wrote back.
He wrote back and asked me to coffee.
I said yes but in a few days as I have a friend over from out of town.
He didn't write back.
I can see he's online, but maybe he just left a browser open.
I think it will still happen, but I would feel better if he said 'Great, how bout Wednesday?'
But, I will say that tomorrow if he doesn't follow up.

can't move forward

How many doubts did I have about Nerdboy?  But he rejects me and suddenly I can't live without him.  I still cry at least once a week

I saw on his facebook he had posted a cartoon about a guy being surrounded by little floating hearts and he bats them away and says 'stupid bugs'.
his new Friend, whom I will call Eldorada, had liked it.

Which to me, was indisputably proof they were dating.  (although if he posted it Saturday morning, and she liked it right away, they probably weren't in bed cuddling together...)  But, pretty sure that means he can think about being in love again.

I looked  Eldorada up. She's a graphic designer/artist.  And skinny.  So it seemed like I had been replaced with a more successful version of me.  It stings.
And I cried all day.

Fortunately I left on my trip the next day, and was kept distracted by seeing friends and family.
I do want to move there but am so scared.  It's smaller, harder to find work as an artist.  Cheaper but still not comfortable.  But I'd be able to get outside more, and driving/traffic wouldn't be so bad as the big city.

(Oh, my car is puffing blue smoke right now....I hope it's fixable.  My mom estimated $1000 in repairs if the oil is leaking into the engine)

I saw a school friend on my trip, and she had a business proposition for me-- she wants to open an art studio with me as head teacher.  That would be a good job for me, she'd do all the organizing and admin, and take on the financial risk.  But it's just an idea right now, and six months away from being a reality, and maybe a year or two away from being a viable business...
But, it's tempting.

Nerdboy texted me while I was away, wanted to know if I'd go for a walk with him...I said I wasn't in town.

When I got back, my mom was talking about us living together for a long time....making plans to find a little house with a studio for me
My safety net is turning into a sticky spider's web.

Mom's house is overrun with mice and we are cleaning everything.  Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time, I could just do without the mouse poop.

~~~
So, I'm not a virgin anymore (the one thing Nerdboy handled gracefully, the biggest gift he gave me) but I keep this blog going.  I still feel my inexperience.  This breakup is crushing, and I should have had my heart broken age 18 not 34.
Realizing that the thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world, probably these past 10 years, was a partner.  And I would still go back, if Nerdboy reached out his hand, even though I can see more clearly what I want now.

A few people are messaging me on OKCupid, but nobody I'm excited about.  One guy had the bluntest profile about what he wanted, and is not limiting himself to those in his geographic area.  He's about 5 hours away from me, in the opposite direction from where I'd like to relocate.  He shall be called Honest Abe, should his story continue any further.

I am still mooning over Faraway Crush, but not sure if I should write to him now or wait until I've actually moved to his city.  I feel like he needs order in his life and I will be too chaotic, the way I was for Nerdboy.

~~~
You know what?  I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, but there were still a few hangups.   (I don't initiate it very easily, and Nerdboy and I did not have quite the sex life I was hoping for)
But the thought of having sex with what will be my second partner---terrifying.  Like, it seems dangerous somehow.

Every other person on OKC seems to be into polyamory or something kinky.  I'm pretty vanilla and I don't want to do that stuff.  And I don't want to explain to someone else about the late virginity and the pain if not done right...
Almost entirely, my sexual experience is with Nerdboy and the thought of someone else doing those things isn't titillating, it's anxiety-inducing.

lost and confused, so what else is new?

Let's see.... totally froze up at a job interview this week.  hating myself because of it.  I needed that job!

I'm still looking at moving, so I'm going to visit another city this weekend.

It's hard not knowing where to jump.  Meanwhile, I've been at Mom's six months now, and no plans to get my own place.  No plans, no funds.

I'm hardly working right now.

I reopened dating profile on OKC.  No interesting messages.  Depressing.

I hesitate to message people when I am thinking of leaving town....

Nerdboy...

I didn't talk to him for a month but I still had him on facebook.  I saw he was having a hard time from a 'vaguebook' sad post, and started an online conversation with him.  He was worried about his mom's health.  He was really happy I'd reached out.

We didn't talk after that.  I took his posts out of my newsfeed, but I still went to his page like a freakin' STALKER.  

I could see he'd made some new female friends and was going nuts wondering if he was dating any of them.  Three of them, and they comment on his posts all the time.  And one day I got an invite from Nerdboy to a movie he knows I wouldn't like.... one of the new friends' names also starts with 'El...'

Did he click on the wrong person in sending the invite?  I shouldn't even be wondering that.

I unfriended him.

And I went a little crazy not being able to check on him but it was probably for the best...

But I saw he was online one day about a week later and I said 'sorry i unfriended you'

which started a weird conversation where at one point he said 'I'm just not cool enough or interesting enough'  

I was confused.  "For a new job?"

"For anything.  Or maybe I just don't know how to be happy"

I ended the conversation.  I don't want to hear about his dating fails (which I think was what he meant by being uninteresting...) and if he has regrets about losing me...that just stirs things up.  As you will read. I really should just stay away.

But I think it was the day after that, a friend request came in on facebook, from Nerdboy.

So I think we were not friends for a whole week.  

At the same time, he sent me a message-- 'So I sent you a friend request and it can just wait until you're ready.  Or you can delete it.'

A friend request hanging there from him would just have so much emotional weight to it.  Why couldn't he just let me decide when I was ready to do that?

I just accepted it.

I was kinda thinking he wasn't dating any of those women, and missing me.  Sigh!  Ego.

I went to get some stuff of mine he still had.  He came out from his house and loaded up my car.  He had all these little gifts for me- fresh cooking and frozen berries.

I said...Do you want to go for a walk? 

He paled.  'I have a friend over......  another time?'

I got in the car.  He went back in the house, pausing twice to look back at me.

When I got home I found out the friend was the other 'El' woman because she'd posted pictures of their dinner.  She likes everything he posts on facebook and accepts all his 'Does anybody want to do this thing with me?' open invites.

And he'd shared one of my environmental events, and because she likes everything he does, she'd said she was going.

Making them the two most clueless people on the planet.