My cough has come back AGAIN and I'm feeling miserable. Hopefully writing this will help me get my thoughts in order so I can get things done today.
1. Moving Out:
I've started inquiring into apartment for rent ads on craigslists. I've written to two! No answer yet. Both were for rooms in shared houses of people in their late twenties. Both sounded really good. Maybe I should phone? Write again? Don't want to be rejected based on two sentences in an email!
I've been looking into collective houses. A group of maybe 6 adults buy or rent a house together, share groceries and meals, and often grow their own vegetables in an organic garden. It's a very environmentally friendly way to live. It's also very cheap: rent, utilities, and food for under $500 a month. I think living alone will not be good for me, and random roomates with their own lives and friends might make me feel left out or jealous....
Collective living sounds perfect for me, and yet the idea of it brings out my insecurities. Will I fit in? Am I easy to live with? Can I really live the lifestyle I say I admire? You don't have to be vegetarian but shared meals are generally vegan/vegetarian, in the houses I know of. My friend lives in one, and she and her roomates often bring home food from the dumpsters outside the grocery store. I'm sure it's safe to eat and shouldn't be wasted, but the middle-class part of me still thinks it's yucky. At her house they put on music and everybody cleans together for an hour. I am a bit messy when working on my art projects, and I'm fine with letting things build up and then doing a big clean up when the project's finished. I'm sure I could learn new habits, but there would be a lot of struggle as I learn the ropes. I'm also not a good cook. Pity the roomates on my night to prep dinner!
Do other people feel this anxious about being good enough, about being liked?
However, I need to push myself or I'll never leave the nest. I need to talk to my mother, tell my friends I'm looking for a place, and be ready to jump at any opportunity.
2. Online Dating:
I set up an OK Cupid profile maybe two weeks ago to check it out, and have been slowly filling out the profile. Two days ago I added a photo. I've gotten no messages yet except a 'wanna chat?' from a 22-year old, which I ignored.
I had found a profile that I really liked; I've mentioned it before- a bearded fellow who recently had a medical emergency. After thinking about him for a few days, I finally went back and read it again. This time all the negative stuff jumped out at me: He drinks quite a lot, and smokes when he's drinking. His fiancee left him only last April. The imaginary picture I had in my head totally changed and a new picture emerged. My imaginary crush was somewhat cooled.
And yet, none of the other profiles I've read have caught my imaginaton in any way. My friend says I should just write to him. He's online almost every day and 'replies often'. I'm working up the courage. It's silly, but I'm kinda glad to know smart, idealistic, quirky people like that exist in my city. I never seem to meet them!
Out of curiosity, I looked at some of the women's profiles as well. Why are there so many pretty and smart women in their thirties on an online dating site?
3. Self-esteem/ Miscellaneous
Self esteem, and general energy levels are all over the place the last few weeks. I've been really excited about the future and I've been really feeling hopeless. I am looking for a place to live, and trying online dating, and then panicking that I'm not ready, that I don't have whatever it is people are looking for in an employee/roomate/girlfriend. The long and short of it is I don't really like myself right now and I don't know what to do about it.
If I can just make progress in one area, achieve one little step forward...
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Feedback Loop
This is going to be all over the place, thematically.
My blood test came back fine and the doctor said he couldn't do anything for my cough. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Does that mean I'm depressed?
A few years ago I was at the point where I would randomly start crying all the time. I went to counselling and worked very hard. I like to think I've beaten it, but at the same time I think I accept a mild depression as part and parcel of never having had a relationship. Self esteem can only go so far when faced with the cold hard reality of nobody wants to snog me.
Found this video today:
http://blip.tv/the-incel-project-/dr-carpenter-977157
It's an interview with a sociologist on the subject of incel. It's over 13 minutes long but reasonably interesting even if somewhat disheartening at times. She talks about involuntary celibacy leading to more involuntary celibacy since the individual's self esteem is lowered the longer he or she lives with it, and possible partners being turned off by the seeming oddity of an older virgin.
How do I get out of this feedback loop?
My self esteem is pretty good, on the surface. If I was asked, I would say I was a good person, smart, not bad looking....However I do this thing where I fixate on one area of myself that needs changing. As soon as I work hard enough and fix it, I will be a successful human being deserving of whatever reward I'm after. I have put off applying for jobs until I had one more qualification, or a few more good drawings in my portfolio. In terms of relationships, I have tried online dating on and off and always feel like I'm not ready.
I'm a perfectly lovely human being, just in need of some polishing before I'm ready to put myself on the market...(job or meat as the case may be.)
When I move out. When I lose a few pounds. When I get my career going. When I've got a bigger social circle...
Honestly, I've even told myself I'm waiting till my hair grows out! (I had a pixie cut that I'm letting go long, it's awkward at the moment.)
On a lighter note, I was browsing OK Cupid and am quite taken with this bearded fellow who likes Velma more than Daphne and lists Amelie as a favourite movie. Fantasizing about dressing up in my Velma costume (because I have one, like every good geekette), and a mask and photographing myself holding a 'Do you want to meet me?' sign like Amelie sends Nico. Not going to do it, but imagine the 'how we met' story....
My blood test came back fine and the doctor said he couldn't do anything for my cough. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Does that mean I'm depressed?
A few years ago I was at the point where I would randomly start crying all the time. I went to counselling and worked very hard. I like to think I've beaten it, but at the same time I think I accept a mild depression as part and parcel of never having had a relationship. Self esteem can only go so far when faced with the cold hard reality of nobody wants to snog me.
Found this video today:
http://blip.tv/the-incel-project-/dr-carpenter-977157
It's an interview with a sociologist on the subject of incel. It's over 13 minutes long but reasonably interesting even if somewhat disheartening at times. She talks about involuntary celibacy leading to more involuntary celibacy since the individual's self esteem is lowered the longer he or she lives with it, and possible partners being turned off by the seeming oddity of an older virgin.
How do I get out of this feedback loop?
My self esteem is pretty good, on the surface. If I was asked, I would say I was a good person, smart, not bad looking....However I do this thing where I fixate on one area of myself that needs changing. As soon as I work hard enough and fix it, I will be a successful human being deserving of whatever reward I'm after. I have put off applying for jobs until I had one more qualification, or a few more good drawings in my portfolio. In terms of relationships, I have tried online dating on and off and always feel like I'm not ready.
I'm a perfectly lovely human being, just in need of some polishing before I'm ready to put myself on the market...(job or meat as the case may be.)
When I move out. When I lose a few pounds. When I get my career going. When I've got a bigger social circle...
Honestly, I've even told myself I'm waiting till my hair grows out! (I had a pixie cut that I'm letting go long, it's awkward at the moment.)
On a lighter note, I was browsing OK Cupid and am quite taken with this bearded fellow who likes Velma more than Daphne and lists Amelie as a favourite movie. Fantasizing about dressing up in my Velma costume (because I have one, like every good geekette), and a mask and photographing myself holding a 'Do you want to meet me?' sign like Amelie sends Nico. Not going to do it, but imagine the 'how we met' story....
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