Just Keep Swimming....

My cough has come back AGAIN and I'm feeling miserable.  Hopefully writing this will help me get my thoughts in order so I can get things done today.

1. Moving Out:

I've started inquiring into apartment for rent ads on craigslists.  I've written to two! No answer yet.  Both were for rooms in shared houses of people in their late twenties.  Both sounded really good.  Maybe I should phone?  Write again?  Don't want to be rejected based on two sentences in an email!

I've been looking into collective houses.  A group of maybe 6 adults buy or rent a house together, share groceries and meals, and often grow their own vegetables in an organic garden.  It's a very environmentally friendly way to live.  It's also very cheap: rent, utilities, and food for under $500 a month.  I think living alone will not be good for me, and random roomates with their own lives and friends might make me feel left out or jealous.... 

Collective living sounds perfect for me, and yet the idea of it brings out my insecurities.  Will I fit in?  Am I easy to live with?  Can I really live the lifestyle I say I admire?  You don't have to be vegetarian but shared meals are generally vegan/vegetarian, in the houses I know of.  My friend lives in one, and she and her roomates often bring home food from the dumpsters outside the grocery store.  I'm sure it's safe to eat and shouldn't be wasted, but the middle-class part of me still thinks it's yucky.  At her house they put on music and everybody cleans together for an hour.  I am a bit messy when working on my art projects, and I'm fine with letting things build up and then doing a big clean up when the project's finished.  I'm sure I could learn new habits, but there would be a lot of struggle as I learn the ropes.  I'm also not a good cook.  Pity the roomates on my night to prep dinner! 

Do other people feel this anxious about being good enough, about being liked?
However, I need to push myself or I'll never leave the nest.  I need to talk to my mother, tell my friends I'm looking for a place, and be ready to jump at any opportunity.

2. Online Dating:

I set up an OK Cupid profile maybe two weeks ago to check it out, and have been slowly filling out the profile.  Two days ago I added a photo.  I've gotten no messages yet except a 'wanna chat?' from a 22-year old, which I ignored. 

I had found a profile that I really liked; I've mentioned it before- a bearded fellow who recently had a medical emergency.  After thinking about him for a few days, I finally went back and read it again.  This time all the negative stuff jumped out at me:  He drinks quite a lot, and smokes when he's drinking.  His fiancee left him only last April.  The imaginary picture I had in my head totally changed and a new picture emerged.  My imaginary crush was somewhat cooled. 
And yet, none of the other profiles I've read have caught my imaginaton in any way.  My friend says I should just write to him.  He's online almost every day and 'replies often'.  I'm working up the courage.  It's silly, but I'm kinda glad to know smart, idealistic, quirky people like that exist in my city.  I never seem to meet them!

Out of curiosity, I looked at some of the women's profiles as well.  Why are there so many pretty and smart women in their thirties on an online dating site? 

3.  Self-esteem/ Miscellaneous

Self esteem, and general energy levels are all over the place the last few weeks.  I've been really excited about the future and I've been really feeling hopeless.  I am looking for a place to live, and trying online dating, and then panicking that I'm not ready, that I don't have whatever it is people are looking for in an employee/roomate/girlfriend.   The long and short of it is I don't really like myself right now and I don't know what to do about it. 
If I can just make progress in one area, achieve one little step forward...