A Conversation with Friend in the North

Friend in the North called me on the weekend.  I've known her since I was twelve and she's been there for me through all my little heartbreaks, but she met a man and moved far away to be with him.  I'm really happy for her, but I'm missing our talks.  It just isn't the same.  Her attention isn't there.  Her man comes in and tickles her while she's on the phone.  Even if he's out, her mind is full of her own life.  The pattern of our phone calls was always that she'd talk, usually for about half an hour, and then it was my turn, and then real back and forth conversation got going.  I need time to warm up, it seems, even if I have something I want to talk about I build up to it gradually. 

And lately I've been feeling like I needed someone to talk to, and she's been especially distracted and I almost dreaded her calls, they were so unsatisfactory.  But this time she ran out of stuff to say quickly and I jumped in and talked about the party.  And she was really listening, just like she used to. 
We talked about career options for me (this week, two people have suggested I make a youtube channel of instructional art videos.  Never thought of that, don't really want to be on the internet, but it would get my name out there, if I had an etsy shop linked to it, for example)  She thought I needed to do my art or I get weird.  Even if I'm looking for another job or get another job, I need to be an artist.  I'm wondering how much I need to make money from it...I think I need to share my art.  Money may or not be a part of that.   (I don't paint, but I draw and make 3D things and do a lot of theatrical stuff, masks, etc)

I told her I had no single friends left, and that there were people I wanted to invite to the party but I had the feeling that for some of my female friends, leaving the kids home with the hubby while they went out for a Saturday party would be a bit of an issue.  (Seriously, men- if you're going to be a father, you have to not pout when your wife wants a day away from the kids.  It's not the 1950's anymore.)

She went on a long pep talk about 'love comes when you're not looking' and 'you just have to wait' and she didn't automatically become a better happier person when she found her boyfriend... I had to cut her off...  That's not want I want to hear- it doesn't help, for one thing- I was actually trying to talk about the social things that surround not having settled down and started a family when everybody else has....

Then we had a long conversation about the environment.  Specifically about how to change people's behaviors (I'm realized that changing people's behaviors might be a major theme for me- in art, or when I teach, or in whatever activism I get into...)  and more specifically about me getting angry or judgy when people don't think about the environment as much as I do.  (There was a conversation with Walrus after the zero waste class.  I was telling him about how it went.  Someone had asked if you could recycle used Kleenex and I had stifled a laugh.  Walrus said, 'You can't?'  No, you can't recycle boogers!   Then I got mad (inside) that he didn't care about recycling and wasn't the man I wanted him to be or something, and he got mad because I was being condescending, and then I apologized and said I was a jerk and then he said he was too usually.  This was all texting.  He couldn't see I was crying.  I cried all evening and just hated myself.  I'm not sure what that was all about.)

I told Friend in the North all that, and then I said, "I just get so angry because this stuff is second nature to me and I think about it a lot and am willing to make sacrifices or put in the time and effort to do my part, and no one else is.  When I go to the grocery store..."

I trail off as I hear a man's voice talking to my friend on her end of the phone.  I can't hear what he's saying.

"Sorry, Boyfriend just came in.  Hun, I'm on the phone with Eleanor.  You were saying?

"When I'm at the grocery store and I'm the only one who's brought my own bags..."

I hear more deep rumblings and giggles from her.  

"Can you hear what he's saying?"
 "No."
"He said, 'Pants off.  Sex now.'  No, hun I'm talking to Eleanor about the environment...go away!"

More giggles. I hear him say 'Sex time.  I want sex time'

"I think I'd better let you go."
"No, he's being terrible.  What were you saying....plastic bags?  Go on..."
"Yeah, people won't even give up plastic bags and that's the easiest first step.  Listen, I have to go...thanks for the chat."
 
Sigh.  This is what I was trying to tell her....Couples live in couple-world, even if they think nothing's changed.
 

Postscript

Poor Lady Edith!
Hun, I was dumped by a one-armed man too.

I was a wreck after this scene.  Sniff!

Change is Hard

I am throwing a party.  I hemmed and hawed but I'm doing it.  I'm going to teach my friends an art project and then while we work I'm going to try and lead a discussion about my career goals.  Then I'm making a vegetarian dinner for them.  ALL THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS AT ONCE.  (I'm also going to have to clean the house!)
They all know the career chat is part of the deal, and people have been really supportive so far.  I think about seven people are confirmed less than 24 hours after the invites went out.
I have a lot of work to do, not only planning the menu, cleaning and preparing the materials for the project, but researching career and education options.  I have been working on it, but I'd like to either make a 'career notebook' or maybe even a slideshow I can present to my guests.  And I should redesign my resume- it could be more visually appealing, considering I'm an artist!
Putting a deadline on me doing this research is probably more than half the battle.  Feedback will be a bonus if I can clarify my own thoughts on my goals in preparing to share them with my friends.

I've signed up to volunteer with an environmental organization.  I'm going to do office work a few hours a week, stuffing envelopes and filing.  I think I thought they'd put me in charge of a campaign or something.  No, gotta start small.  If you stick around long enough, you can find your niche.

I'm also trying to take this (free) leadership training I found at a community resource centre.  I hope I get in.  It would be two months of Saturday mornings though.

I also will attend two workshops this week (one on zero waste living and one a professional training thing)
I went to a protest.  There's a lot of protests happening all over Canada right now in support of the rights of aboriginal people and the environment.  I won't go into the politics.  It was a fairly big protest and it was exciting but I was uncomfortable the whole time.  Angry people in the streets only make change when they reach the tipping point and everyone joins in.  Otherwise they look like radicals, and a lot of people who just like to mind their own business will distance themselves from radicals.  It was radical when women wanted the vote, when abolitionists wanted to end slavery... What you believe has a lot to do with what's "normal" at the time.
Anyways, I'm off on a tangent.  The point is when it comes down to it, I wasn't willing to do as much for my beliefs as I thought I would.  Maybe because I think strategically, protesting doesn't change people's minds, but I think mostly I have a conventional streak that comes out at weird times!  I'm glad I went to the protest.

(Confession:  I spent some of my time at the protest looking around for cute treehugging young men.  Yup, they're out there.  How do I meet them?)

So I'm trying.  It's exhausting.  I really have to work on establishing a daily art practice.  Going back to school killed that habit and I need it back.
To top it all off, I'm sick again.  Sigh......
I read a horoscope that said the next five months would be more responsibility and hard work than I've ever faced before.  Let's do it then, and get it over with.

Resolutions losing steam...

Which Downton Abbey character do I identify with?  Poor lonely Edith, always overlooked and now throwing herself at an older man.

(And here's a weird bit of internetness:  a whole Tumblr blog dedicated to Lady Edith With Googly Eyes)

I admit I'm feeling sorry for myself today.

The anemia is making it hard to get anything done as I get fatigued easily. Walrus was really quite weird about the anemia, told me I wasn't eating right and was content to take pills to survive, and listed all the foods I should be eating.  I was furious, considering he drinks and smokes and I've been shocked by what he eats.  I actually do try to eat right, and there he was lecturing me.  I was about to say something quite rude when he said, "I don't mean to give you a guilt trip.  I say these things because I'm worried about you."

The next day, he got the news that there might finally be a place available for him to live on his own.  It wasn't in the neighbourhood he'd asked for, or been promised, and I openly expressed my disappointment.  It's a nice neighbourhood- too nice.  It's known for being a bit yuppie-ish. I just thought it would be hard for him to get around on transit and that there weren't a lot of choices for affordable groceries...
He told me he'd waited two years (not quite true) for a place and I came up with a list of all the negatives.
It was true.  I was being negative and I don't know why.

I think we're on each other's nerves these days.  Oh, maybe 'cause I thought we were getting back together and then we didn't.  That might have something to do with it.
That was such a bad idea....

Quick, somebody find me a Sir Anthony Strallan I can bat my eyelashes at... (For non-Downtown Abbey fans, he's the titled, estate-owning neighbour 25 years older than Lady Edith)

I really am feeling bitter these days.  I'm very judgy.  I'm very lonely.  I'm wondering how much this not-dating-for-my-entire-twenties thing has shaped my identity and my character.

Other little tidbits.

I got invited to go to a weekly meditation 'sit' and happened to read out the email to Walrus.  He wanted to go, so I agreed.  Now, my family is very uncomfortable with spirituality of any kind.  We just don't think about it.  Meditation is hard.  Physically hard to keep still!  I didn't clear my mind.  I thought about art projects I'd like to do, which is not the point of meditation, but very useful!  After the 'sit' there is a tea circle and discussion about Zen teachings.  I am very unsure about all of this.  Walrus is keen.
We weren't supposed to drink our tea until everybody had been served and Walrus forgot and drank some.
Anyways, it was good to try something new but I'm not sure I'll continue.

I'm trying to find an environmental organization to volunteer with and am meeting with one next week.

Still looking for work, not sure how to go about that.  Trying to think of ways to make money from art and  freelancing as well.

Problems with Online Dating: an article from The Atlantic

Hi guys,
Just wondered what you thought about this article:
The Many Problems with Online Dating's Radical Efficiency
Basic summary:  Online dating takes away the thrill of the hunt, gives us too many options, makes us value relationships less because they are easy to replace.  The main point is that it makes us search out people who are very similar to us, very compatible.  In real life, meeting new people is a lot of work and people exactly like us are harder to find.  This means, just like in those old romantic comedies from the '40s, we are forced by scarcity into getting to know people who are very different from us, and that can lead to a more exciting relationship.  Think Hepburn and Tracy.
What we are looking for isn't necessarily what we need, but sometimes we know it when we find it and are completely surprised.

I know that's something I've talked about, and readers have commented on, here before.  I am particularly bad at wanting someone similar to me.  Am I?  Actually I'm not sure that's exactly my problem with online dating.  I am really keen on finding someone who cares about the environment which narrows the field quite a lot and yet I don't have a lot of other specifics.  Walrus wasn't that fussed about recycling, and wasn't all that similar to me, but I was quite intrigued by his profile: he wrote well, was quirky and seemed to have a set of ethics he lived by.  We all know how that worked out....

If you read the comments people argue that online dating is much harder than the article makes it sound, but you probably could get a date in a few weeks if you work at it, and in real life, that would be a lot harder to achieve.  In real life you wouldn't walk up to a random stranger and ask them out point blank, but on the internet you can.

And that's what I think I'm struggling with in online dating.  I have certain expectations of how to use OKC as a tool to get to know people, and they're a bit old-fashioned in a fast-paced online world where anonymity rules.  Jasper's profile didn't have obvious commonalities with mine, but he had a certain sense of humour that appealed, so I was considering meeting him.  His downfall was that he used OKC to set up a meeting without ever getting a basic conversation going, and when the meeting was delayed he went silent.  I think I like about 3 or 4 messages back and forth, and then we can meet.  More than that is a waste of time. I suppose it's awkward to answer the first message and then decide a few messages later they aren't making the cut- do you tell them they've said something wrong or just stop answering?  I don't know!  The whole thing is unnatural so can we agree on some etiquette guidelines already?

For some reason, right now I want to hear about how online dating is bad.  I'm always a bit of an anti-technology Luddite, even though I use the Internet daily (and blog about very personal things.)  So I'm a walking contradiction!   I read some article about our lives being increasingly run by technology and they used online dating as an example.  It's a perfectly unromantic way to meet someone.
On the other hand, if you have specialty tastes, it's the perfect way to find those rare few who are looking for the same thing.

Where the Boys Are

Last night I went to a new pub in town with a bunch of people I know from volunteering.  The pub is geek-themed, with cheesy medieval/fantasy and sci-fi decor, and a wall of board games.  The place was packed about a week after it opened and has been going strong ever since.  Surprisingly, there were a lot of cute guys there.
I'm not much of a geek myself, although I do like the original Star Wars, but my friends tend to be quite geeky so I get the references.  I was just happy to find a place where I felt comfortable, where they weren't showing Ultimate Fighting or football on the TV (they placed Firefly episodes instead) and where people were playing board games and having a relatively wholesome good time (with beer.)

Some social observations:
I was confused by the hipster-geeks.  What, you play D&D ironically?

I think it's weird how people chose a tribe and adopt the whole look/lifestyle/values/interests/way of thinking.  I don't want to be a geek, hipster, goth, art school trendster.  I just want to be me.

Fortunately the people I was with last night are very good at being themselves too, and the conversation was great.  I didn't say much though.  I think I have a hearing problem.  When it's loud I can't pick out the individual words people are saying and I just smile and nod awkwardly, not sure what I'm agreeing to. This is why I like my social time to be small groups in quiet places!  And I am terrible at jumping into conversations, and if the topic is anything on the deeper end of the scale, I like to think about what other people are saying and chew it over in my own mind....Basically by the time I'm ready to speak, the conversation has moved on.

Still had a good time though.

In other news:
I had mentioned there was this leadership training for the movement to stop climate change.  They extended the deadline and so I figured I might as well fill out the form.  I don't think I'll get picked but it was worth doing.

I don't think I want to meet Jasper and have to tell him so.  Ugh.  I've got two other OKC messages I don't feel like dealing with either.  Why am I so not into OKC right now?  Don't know, but I'm actually thinking of hiding my profile for a bit.

Arrrgh!

I spent New Year's Eve alone.  Walrus was at a party.  He texted me around 9pm to tell me stories about the hosts' exotic pet.  Something was wrong with the network and texts weren't going through, or were out of order and I just stopped answering.  I didn't want to talk to him all that much.  If you're at a party, talk to the people at the party.  If you want to talk to me, make plans with me.

At midnight I sorta expected him to wish me a Happy New Year, but I didn't get any messages and went to bed.  At almost 1am, I got a text that said "Your messages are coming in quadruplicate!"  I think I asked something about the party...I was worried about him getting home, and about how much he'd had to drink.  There was a long conversation about transit.  He was waiting for a bus that wasn't going to come that late at night, so I got out of bed and started looking at the bus schedule online.  I tried to get him to walk ten blocks north, but he went 10 blocks south and was convinced he was going in the right direction.  (The streets are NUMBERED!  How can he screw that up?)  Finally I just got in the car and went to pick him up.  He didn't want me to, told me not to fuss, that I needed my rest, but I wasn't going to be able to sleep til he was home safe anyways and he soon gave in.   It was 3am when I found him.  He was only about a 5 minute drive away from his house but it would have taken him more than an hour to walk and he would have been exhausted.  He was making very stupid decision already.

He smelled of booze.  I didn't say much to him.  "You owe me."

When I got home I had aggravated my flu-like illness and had waves of nausea that prevented me from sleeping all night.

In the (late) morning when I woke up I was pretty cranky.  I didn't hear from him all day but in the evening it was the usual mundane texts from Walrus, like it had never happened.  I told him I was a bit annoyed with him.  "If you have a beef, say it."  I just said 'I offered to come get you so no use complaining about it."


Hopefully this incident closes the door on a reconciliation with Walrus.  It doesn't make me happy when he drinks, and I don't want to be around that anymore.  Not sure what happens now, but I'm fed up.

I think I'd be in a terrible mood if I hadn't started working on a new art project.  The rest of the world doesn't exist while I'm working on a project.
Wondering if I can combine this 'gather people together to give me advise on my career' meeting with me teaching them how to do this new craft.  That way they'd get something out of it and see me in action as a teacher.

I just want to move forward.

And Jasper just messaged me on OKCupid right now.  "Now that the holidays are over, what's your schedule?"  I don't want to meet him, but I said I would over a month ago....What do I do?
I understand people who don't want to message on OKC forever- they're busy, it doesn't accurately give you a picture of the other person, just arrange the meeting and enjoy the adventure of the unexpected.
But I don't work that way.  In real life I wouldn't agree to go out with someone who hadn't told me their name, hadn't managed to engage me in conversation.

Boys!  I actually just want to focus on me right now.  When I get in the mood to create, that's on my mind waking and sleeping.  And it's been a while since that feeling has gripped me...