How does it hurt?

It hurts so much.  I think I can see the other side of it, so I guess it's not too bad, as break-ups go.
I need to remember mine is not the first or only break up in the world.

A list.

1.  I tried so hard (to love, to help) , and I failed.

2.  I was loved, and now I'm not.

3.  He loved more than I did.  (guilt)

4.  But he didn't try to find out who I was.  There was no late night conversations exploring each others' opinions and interests and dreams.  He loved me at face value, perhaps?  Did he imagine himself in love because he needed to be?

5.  I don't know if he ever tried to please me (in any substantial way).  Is that good or bad?  His view on love is that you shouldn't have to.

6. Why was I not touched more?  Was I undesirable? This stings deeply.

7.  When did he start looking at online dating sites?  How long was he unhappy?

8. I made him feel bad about himself in the relationship.  Not just drinking, but about who he was as a person.

9.  His sneakiness.  My dad is sneaky and it makes me freak out.

10.  He told me he'd stay with me even if I could never have sex.  That's what love is, he said.  In return, I decided I wasn't going to give up on him, no matter what.  I threw myself into this.  He slipped away and I tried harder.  It's over and it's probably for the best but I still hate to give up on him.

11.  Still worried about his recovery.  How long until he gets lonely again?

12.  What happens now, for both of us?