Learning

Walrus is away camping with his family so I will at least have a break from expecting communication from him.  Hopefully he is committed to writing the thank you letter as promised.  His mom is going to try to talk to him about how she and his dad treat him and what he's going through, and to update me when they come back.

I said before it was crazy how quickly a stranger becomes the most important person in your life.  It's crazier when suddenly, you must not contact the person you used to talk to everyday.

Last night I read one of the poems he wrote me back in April and cried cried cried.  I was going to reprint it here but feel I don't have the right to do that.  The last line is 'You have never stopped saving my life'
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Why am I so torn up?  Is it losing him, is it ego, is it guilt, is it fear for the future?
I am starting to wonder what the next relationship will be.  People trying to comfort me are promising someone who will appreciate me, something so much better.  I don't know.  There might be some frogs before I find my prince, as they say.  The promise of this wonderful guy is only frustrating at the moment.  Why do I have to wait so long?

I am truly terrified to go through the 'I haven't really had successful sex' talk with someone.  And I don't feel anyone will want to date someone who lives at home.

Oh I say the same things over and over.  I was saying all this stuff last year!  At least I tried sex.  And learned some things about relationships and myself.

Yesterday I worked with my friend and boss Amy, and there was a long car ride out to the gig.  We did the same gig last year and had a long conversation that I wrote about.  This year's conversation was relationship-focused, and also gave me food for thought.

She is 32 and looking for a life partner, wants marriage and kids.  She's pretty and outgoing, and is used to being a 'serial monogamist'.  At the moment there are 3 new guys and an ex wanting into her life and she's confused.  (oh to have a problem like that!)
Her ex is very similar to her and they had a passionate, tumultuous relationship that lasted 2 years.  She thought they were soulmates.  People would stop them on the street to tell them they had some kind of 'magic' as a couple.  He just contacted her and asked her to take him back, and she felt nothing.

The new guys:

D, a firefighter who asked her out at one of our gigs two months ago.  They had 6 dates, then after a long conversation about values, he told her he didn't feel he was the right guy for her.  She was surprised and moved on.  Then he contacted her, told her he made a mistake, couldn't stop thinking about her, told her all this stuff that's been happening in his life (his mom's dying) and she comforted him but said she was seeing other people and was willing to be his friend right now, and the door was open to other stuff. Then he backed away again, then changed his mind....Basically is really in a bad place right now and is being needy and jerking her around.  She said she liked the idea of being able to rescue him (yup, I understand that one) but he can't be a jerk to her.  She seemed pretty done with him, despite the attraction of helping someone in need.

I felt terrible hearing this story.  People who are in pain really want someone to talk to, and long for someone to make them feel better.  They need love so much, but they do things that prevent them from getting it.  They can only take, not give.  It seems a cruel joke, but that's how it often works out.  I think I've been there, and Walrus was...  Downwards spiral, so hard to get out of on your own.

The other two guys she's just started seeing, and likes both.  One sold her a bike, one she met online.  The bike guy is laid back, casual, not her type, but she can be herself around him, and even dress in sweatpants.  The other, G, is more stylish, jetsetting, business background and she tries to be pretty and 'on' for their dates (not my type!  I'd rather have the cyclist!)

I've gone way too much into details.  It's like watching The Bachlorette!  Who will she pick?

Back to my point- she kept talking about chemistry, and sparks.  She had a spark with D and G right away, and great kissing.  The bike guy is growing on her slowly.

I have never had chemistry or sparks.  Walrus won me over, if that's the right expression for how complicated it was, with sweet words and basically not letting me alone.  I have an idea that chemistry is exciting, but I sorta don't expect it to happen for me.  Nor do I put that much importance in it.
I like the idea of a friendship that slowly and sweetly and naturally blossoms into love, but I'd have to have guy friends for that to happen.
It was so weird to hear her put this much importance in this elusive spark.  The bike guy made her feel comfortable and relaxed and they had a lot of fun together.  For me, that would count as a spark!  I'm so shy that feeling good with someone right away would really have a lot of weight.  I wouldn't dump someone for a bad kiss....

Then Amy said she's already thinking about who would be a good dad and husband.  Who's right for the long term?  She's having fun now with both the new guys, but she doesn't have time to put more than 6 months into a relationship that isn't the one.

This felt foreign to me too.  My reaction was to just enjoy the moment, take it day by day.  It takes so long to really get to know someone.  Or at least a conversation about long term goals.  It's gotta be a gut feeling, not a calculated decision.

And yet, that's how I see marriage.  It has been a business arrangement for hundreds of years- love has only recently been a factor.  People change and situations arise that can disrupt 'happily ever after'.  It's a crap shoot.  I'm not even sure I want to get married legally, but I do want a long term thing if there's going to be kids.  (Is that ever going to happen for me?  Eek!)  Hearing Amy talk, I felt like my ideas became clear to myself.  Pick someone you can be friends with, the easy comfortable relationship not the up and down thrill ride, pick someone with values and goals similar to your own and hope for the best.  Relationships take work.  Passion is not what I've after, although maybe once in my life I'd like to experience it...

There was other good conversation about goals, bucket lists...I'll have to do a part two later.  This is getting long.