Swimming in the Deep End

A lot going on.
Our Indian Summer ended with a torrential rain.  Now the skies are clear, but a coldness has settled in.  Crisp and windy.  It's autumn.

I'm halfway through the festival.  The first day made me so angry.  I'd spent a month being a gofer and decorating, then was expected to know how to use the database and a whole bunch of policies and procedures I didn't feel trained in.  But I figured it out quickly.  I had to.  I like solving problems, but dealing with people (coming up to you, phoning constantly, emailing, and on walkie-talkies) tires me out.  Some people are lovely, some people are.... ARRRRRGH!

Sorta got the swing of things now.  Last night I finally got my supervisor alone and told her about the other interns talking about the volunteer whose gender was indeterminable.  She thanked me for telling her and was pretty annoyed at them.  The festival has zero tolerance for discrimination. She said she would do some 'sensitivity training' with them.  When I left that night she made a point of walking me out and thanking me again.  I wished I'd said something earlier.  She also said I had picked up the computer stuff quickly and was doing a good job.

I'm going back to the doctor today because the cough is coming back and I'm still covered in red bumps.  They're spreading to my arms, up my neck and down my stomach.  What the heck?  I have a date in two days!

I've seen some shows at the festival that have moved me or made me think, but I can't really go into the details.  Only that some people have amazing stories and find a way to survive.  I've been taking friends to see shows and it feels really nice to have a life!

Last night I saw one that'd I'd heard great things about.  It was about a topic Walrus really loves, so I invited him.  He wanted to go, but it was pretty late at night.  In the end he claimed a headache and didn't come.  I didn't think he would, although he did seem enthusiastic about the show and appreciated the invite.  We had a conversation (by text, always by text) about books before I made the invite.  I'm not sure what I'm doing.  I don't want him back, but I feel bad for him.  Same old story.  There is a bit of hurt still- it crossed my mind that he stayed out much later the night he went to the party without telling me...

Had an interview last week and flubbed it.  I feel like I'm blowing interview after interview this summer.  I haven't heard about the one I did for the youth organization.

Went to the friend's girls-only tarot card party and was tired and headachey after a day at the festival.  I wasn't much fun.  My tarot cards gave me boring fortunes!  I'd get some good news from a bureaucrat and I was healing from a minor health complaint.  My friend's apartment was very clean.  I really noticed all the displays of precious objects and knickknacks and art on the walls.  My house doesn't have stuff like that.  If we do it's buried under a pile of old magazines.  Sigh.  Also my friend's husband smoked a joint on the patio while we were there and I was mildly uncomfortable, even though my friend said she didn't smoke herself.

So yeah.  The big thing is meeting E, still scheduled for two days from today.  Maybe it's a good thing I didn't see Walrus this week.  There's going to be emotions there- go forward or go back?  Don't want to hurt Walrus, but gotta seek my happiness.

I think I'd be a lot more nervous if the festival wasn't so much stimuli overload.  I really live one day at a time and come home exhausted.  I hope I'm doing okay.



  

Calm Before the Storm

Festival starts tonight.  I'm going to be busy for the next three weeks.  In addition to working the festival, and enjoying my time off at the festival with friends, I'm going to have a job interview, attend a baby shower for my sister-in-law and a friend's tarot party, and I'm going to meet E.   At the end of all that it will be my birthday.

So, I might not be updating the blog for a while, but I will try and do a brief recap after I meet E.
Here's all the things brewing....

My brother and his wife bought a condo yesterday.  They only looked for a few weeks!  Get pregnant accidentally, elope, get pregnant again, buy a condo...they're somewhat impulsive.  Have I mentioned she's only 21?  This leaves me the only unmarried, childless, houseless sibling.  Sigh.  I would like to have some marker of adulthood.

Walrus- weekly check-in email number two.  He's bored, bored, bored.  Nothing is happening on the housing front.  I invited him to the festival with me, openly acknowledging that it could be awkward, and he ignored the invite.  I suspect he is depressed.  Some folks from our choir have a show tonight and I encouraged him to go, but he's muttering about having a big pile of laundry...  I can't do anything more to help him than what I'm doing.

Internship- I overheard the other interns deciding not to place a festival volunteer in the public eye, because she was really a he.  They thought that would be 'inappropriate' and that she would have to do the behind-the-scenes stuff.  That was two days ago, but it's bothering me.  I think that's discrimination and illegal.  Not sure if I should say something to my boss.

General mood- Feeling like I want to be introverted.  Want to withdraw into my shell.  I like working with people, but I have to put on a different persona to do so.  It's like flicking a switch.  For me to be able to do that, I have to feel very confidant that I am knowledgeable enough to answer any questions that may come up.  Because I've been sick, I'm the lowest on the totem pole in the office, totally out of the loop and not given real responsibility.  That, and being given art tasks to do, only feed the tendency to introversion.
But for the next few weeks, I have to work with people, so I'd better pull it out from somewhere and turn on the charm.  I am having serious doubts that I have chosen the right field.  Maybe I would be happier in a job where I solve problems alone, or create things alone...  I probably need both- working with people time and creative alone time....
Still find tears running down my cheek before I sleep, sometimes on the bus....What is going on?
Also still fighting off the last of this awful cough.

E.  We've been writing for almost a month, maybe twice a week.  Now that we're talking about meeting, it's a bit more frequent.  I don't like to invest this much in someone I've never seen.  I asked E to go to a show with me, otherwise who knows how long this would go on!  In his first message to me he said he was an introvert, although he seems to have an active social life.  His messages are long, and so are mine, but like I said, mostly we talk about hobbies and the environment.  Zero flirting.  (I wouldn't know how to do it anyways!)
There's something a little funny about his writing- a little formal yet enthusiastic.  It will be interesting to see if he's like that in real life!  He's maybe 3 years older than me, a little shorter (darn!), works in computers, volunteers at the art house cinema, likes DIY projects that involve making new things out of old things.  I know a little more about him than that, but don't want to invade his right to privacy.
His profile says he is looking for friends and long-distance penpals as well as dates, so who knows what he wants from me.  Anyways, I'm sure I've pictured him all wrong and we'll find out in a week!  I am a little excited.  I am imagining things going well....but who knows?  Must not get ahead of myself.

Vignette Addendum

At one point in our correspondence, E asked me what I do for fun.
Errr, read blogs about virginity?

Vignettes

1.  Walrus' mom wrote to me to let me know the place next doors to hers was for sale.  (His parents live in a townhouse, and my mother had once expressed an interest to his mother about downsizing.)  So, are me and mom supposed to live next door to my ex's parents?  WORST IDEA EVER.  (And tells you all you need to know about his mom.)

2.  You know how couples who break up sometimes get back together and have sex One Last Time?  Has anybody every gotten back together to have sex One First Time?  Because, you know, I think I would seriously consider doing that if the situation came up.  I can't believe I said that.

3.  Sent Walrus the first 'weekly-check-in' email and got a reply.  He is indeed going crazy not having his own place.  Other than that, fairly short communication on both sides.  I still cry at night, but slowly healing, I think.

4. Drove down to the festival with a couple, common-law partners for 15 years, and their one-year old daughter.  He was driving, took a wrong turn, and they spent the next 15 minutes bickering about whose fault it was.  I was uncomfortable.  He's a psychiatrist.  I kinda had this idea that psychiatrists were trained in avoiding these petty conflicts.  If they can't get along, who can?

5.  It is beginning to dawn on me that dating and finding somebody for the long-term might be a piece of cake compared to actually living with them for the rest of your life.  Making a partnership work is crazy-hard.  Could I do it?

6.  Babysat friends' daughter during festival so they could see a loud concert.  Baby and me got along fine.  I  imagined she was my daughter and freaked myself out.

7.  I left the internship on Friday just amazed at some glaring acts of stupidity by the other interns.  Most notably, on my day off, they had hung up a sign I had made.  They had put big loops of string coming off the sign, and then attached the loops to a pipe along the ceiling with plastic Zap Straps (also known as zip ties).

Zip ties are expensive and made of plastic and will last for a THOUSAND YEARS.  There is a good chance that in those thousand years, some bird or fish or whatever survives global warming will eat that plastic zip tie.
Also, it shows a complete lack of understanding on how to operate string.  It has this amazing ability to be tied around things, such as pipes...

8.  I can't wait until this internship is over.  The festival starts this week, and I'm going to be busy.  And will I meet E?  Stay tuned...

Can you be depressed if you're sarcastic about your own moping?

This is a weird mood.

I cry myself to sleep.  I'm about ready for bed, wondering if I need to go through it again tonight.

I cry silently in public.  On the train, tears rolling down my face.

And yet I function during the day.  I sing while doing the dishes.  I think this pining for him is a bit ridiculous.  I should be glad to have my first heartache be for someone clearly not right for me.  (Although- the stroke obscured everything.  I'm not sure I know who Walrus is.  AND NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW)

I almost wonder if I don't enjoy being sad.  Crying feels...well it's not good exactly, but pure.  Do you know what I mean?  The emotion is everything and you're in it.  

It's somehow tragically romantic- the whole story.  I become the wronged heroine...or alternately, he's the tragic figure, depending on if I focus on his bad points or his good.   I cry either way.

I also think I genuinely miss the bastard.

Walrus is still waiting to hear about where he's going to be living and he's going crazy.  I'm going crazy not talking to him.  I broke my own rules and looked at his facebook page.  A few times.  

Actually I sent him a text today about a computer tech thing and he didn't answer it.  I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out why he didn't.

Oh I am weak.  

I just want to hug him.  He's wanted a home of his own for a year now.  It's his big goal and it sorta became mine.  Hard to stop caring about him getting that.

In other news.

Cough's almost gone.  I have broken out in little pimply bumps all over my chest and shoulders.  This has happened to me before.  Why, body, are you so unhappy with me?  I don't know what I'm doing that displeases you.

Internship is a joke.  I'm in charge of 'decorating'.  

Some job interviews on the horizon, and had one last week.  All for part-time jobs sorta in the field I'm trying to get into.   I'm worried I'm going to end up juggling 2 or 3 part time jobs (and possibly more volunteer work as well.)  I don't mind working hard, and I need any source of income I can get, but less than ideal for my finances and social life. 

I am still writing to E once or twice a week.  He has hobbies that all sound interesting to me.  I think I asked him to see a festival event with me (since I get in free and can bring a guest) and I think he's agreed although nothing's organized.  I haven't talked about E much because I don't want to invest too much.  I am starting to get a little excited.  But meeting someone in person is entirely different.  Our messages are fairly small-to-medium talk.  Hobbies and rants about the environment have been the two main topics so far.

If this meeting actually gets organized I'll tell you more about him.

I am going away this weekend to another city to see a music concert and an old friend.  Hopefully that will end this dreadful summer on a bright note.

Illogical

Spock thinks this continued weeping is most illogical.

Crying a lot.  Two weeks of illness and the resulting isolation that went with it are probably a factor.

Figuring out how to be friends with Walrus brought up pain that I thought was healing.  

Logically I know that I didn't see Walrus as forever.  The break-up was inevitable, so now is as good a time as any.  Except I didn't think we were done learning from each other.

People fight twice as hard on a losing battle, maybe?  The situation made the relationship extra difficult and I tried very hard to make it work.  I'm so sad for him, and it makes it hard to walk away.  Hard to walk away, say 'not my problem' and still feel like a good person.

Thanks to Matt79 for this insightful comment on the last post:

I mean, I think overall your motivation for staying in touch with him involves a mixture of things all combining together - some guilt (which I don't think is warranted at all, but I know that doesn't just make it disappear), some answer-wanting, some being-needed-wanting and some appreciation-wanting. And also I was wrong about you just wanting to talk about your feelings - you want him to talk about his feelings too. Sounds like that's a difficult thing to make happen. Which might just make you try even harder.

Yes.  Yes to all those things.  Brilliant.

Here's what's been done.  

• I can't figure out facebook but I think I'll see 'Only Important' posts from him.  
• Made it so I can't see when he's online on google.
• Wrote a very gentle email saying I got overwhelmed being in touch with him throughout the day and suggested a weekly check-in with each other instead.  I said I'm here if he needs a friend since I am one of the few people who really knows the situation, and he knows me well enough by now to know if I'll be helpful or not.

The weekly check-in part was a bit lame but I wanted some sort of concrete guideline for him.  A little formality makes it distinctly different from the old way of communicating.

He did not write back.  I'm fairly sure he has read it and fairly sure if he didn't answer immediately then it was too emotional for him and he won't.

Did think about pushing for my thank you letter but dropped it for the moment.  If we are going to be friends, then I have to hear 'thank you' at some point.  But that's a point far away in time, I suspect.  

So, whose court is the ball in now?  

Confusion Update

Walrus was texting me random observations yesterday.  I started sending shorter and shorter replies and he stopped mid-afternoon.  Actually I think he was napping.  Around 9pm last night he sent a text about [local sporting event].  I was unimpressed.  I said 'why are you texting me about sports?'
"Because I like [said sport]"
I was trying to figure out how to say 'I'm your ex, remember?'
I did say 'I'm half of this conversation'
But he was already going on about something on the TV.  I admit I indulged him in small talk for a bit and then I said, "Hey Walrus?"
"Yes?"
"Talking to you makes me confused.  I want to be friends, but I don't think I'm over the break-up"
"I see."  (I hate when he says 'I see'.  It reveals nothing.)
Long pause.  Like, 20 minutes.
Me: "Are you still there?"
Pause.
"Please say something."
"I'm here.  I'm thinking.  You're not wrong to feel like this."
 "I didn't think my feelings were wrong.  I'm new at break-ups though."
Long pause.
Me: "Are you still thinking or do you want me to keep rambling?"
"Say what you need to say."
So I say some stuff about yes, wanting to be friends, but needing a cleaner break than what we did, more time to process things, etc etc.  I mentioned the 'anniversary' for some reason.  He just said stuff like 'I understand' and 'Yes'
By this point I was crying and just kept typing. 'We'll see each other at choir and I wanted to take you to the festival and I wanted to come to your housewarming."
"I don't think the housewarming is going to happen"
"What?  Oh no!"
Hour-long conversation about his frustrations with social housing.  He's supposedly been moved to the top of the wait-list and was promised a spot by the end of the month- which is almost here and he hasn't heard anything.  He could be placed anywhere in the greater metropolitan area, although they do know about his medical condition and are supposedly trying to place him in the main part of town.  He's ready to go at any moment.  If he hears nothing he stays where he is (a group home) and waits.
Almost midnight.  "Time for bed!  Goodnight!"
What, no thank you?

There is some evidence online this morning that he had a sleepless night.  (3am facebook post about puppeteer Jerry Nelson passing away)  Oh technology!  How did people date before the internet?

I woke up feeling a little angry.  He just doesn't get it, once again.
Is it brain injury or is it just because he's male?   Great idea for a game show!  I talked to my Friend in the North yesterday, in the time Walrus was napping, and she said 'All men are clueless.  This one is a little more clueless than most.'  My apologies to male readers.  I never thought I'd say anything so simplistic, but all the jokes about how men and women think differently seem to be coming true!

I'm not sure what to do now.  I said I need a break, and then ended up being a friend to him anyways.
He cannot text me all day long.
1.  My confused brain says, 'if you want to talk to me that much, why aren't we together?'
2.  And really, that door needs to shut.  We are not getting back together.
3.  It feels like he's talking at me.  There's a reason I'm not on Twitter.  I don't want people's quips coming at me all day long.

I imagine he is very bored and possible deeply lonely.   I'm sad for him, but I can't help him.  It's part of a break-up, and compounded by his stroke (no work life, friends that have flaked out...)  He made his choice.

Here's the thing:
I feel like I'm not exactly the life of the party, and throughout my life, certain friends have called me when there's nobody better available.  That's my hangup, and Walrus doesn't know that, but it's time I said no more of that.  I'm tired of being at the bottom of the list.  I want people to contact me because they want to talk to me, specifically me, not just anybody and I happened to be around.
I AM BETTER THAN THAT.  LAST CHOICE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE.
IF YOU CONTACT ME, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN AS WELL AS TALK.  (unless it's an emotional emergency but then you'd better be there for me when it's my turn.)

Beyond the no texting all day rule, not sure where to draw the line.
Sigh.