This is a weird mood.
I cry myself to sleep. I'm about ready for bed, wondering if I need to go through it again tonight.
I cry silently in public. On the train, tears rolling down my face.
And yet I function during the day. I sing while doing the dishes. I think this pining for him is a bit ridiculous. I should be glad to have my first heartache be for someone clearly not right for me. (Although- the stroke obscured everything. I'm not sure I know who Walrus is. AND NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW)
I almost wonder if I don't enjoy being sad. Crying feels...well it's not good exactly, but pure. Do you know what I mean? The emotion is everything and you're in it.
It's somehow tragically romantic- the whole story. I become the wronged heroine...or alternately, he's the tragic figure, depending on if I focus on his bad points or his good. I cry either way.
I also think I genuinely miss the bastard.
Walrus is still waiting to hear about where he's going to be living and he's going crazy. I'm going crazy not talking to him. I broke my own rules and looked at his facebook page. A few times.
Actually I sent him a text today about a computer tech thing and he didn't answer it. I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out why he didn't.
Oh I am weak.
I just want to hug him. He's wanted a home of his own for a year now. It's his big goal and it sorta became mine. Hard to stop caring about him getting that.
In other news.
Cough's almost gone. I have broken out in little pimply bumps all over my chest and shoulders. This has happened to me before. Why, body, are you so unhappy with me? I don't know what I'm doing that displeases you.
Internship is a joke. I'm in charge of 'decorating'.
Some job interviews on the horizon, and had one last week. All for part-time jobs sorta in the field I'm trying to get into. I'm worried I'm going to end up juggling 2 or 3 part time jobs (and possibly more volunteer work as well.) I don't mind working hard, and I need any source of income I can get, but less than ideal for my finances and social life.
I am still writing to E once or twice a week. He has hobbies that all sound interesting to me. I think I asked him to see a festival event with me (since I get in free and can bring a guest) and I think he's agreed although nothing's organized. I haven't talked about E much because I don't want to invest too much. I am starting to get a little excited. But meeting someone in person is entirely different. Our messages are fairly small-to-medium talk. Hobbies and rants about the environment have been the two main topics so far.
If this meeting actually gets organized I'll tell you more about him.
I am going away this weekend to another city to see a music concert and an old friend. Hopefully that will end this dreadful summer on a bright note.
Tragically romantic - I've been there too. Better to feel something rather than to feel nothing, maybe? I think part of the appeal of sadness is that it can be relied upon. Happiness can be fleeting, and can seem tied to things beyond one's control. If one is happy about being in a relationship, but the relationship ends, what then? But if you're sad, nobody can take that away from you - it's yours, it's "safe". Don't know if that rings true for you at all.
ReplyDeleteOn the occasions when you broke your "Walrus contact ban", were you able to identify what in particular pushed you to do it? Did any of those benefits-to-you which we talked about seem to be a defining factor? Or maybe other things?
I'm glad to hear that E is still in the picture - I know that meeting up is an unknown, but it sounds worth a try. Often I would advise online daters to meet more quickly to avoid the prolonged build-up of online contact and possible expectations, but it seems like this way works better for you so far and that's fair enough.
Also glad to hear that your cough is better - feeling healthy is a good start for anything!