Stoic

I am still in love (we'll call it that) with his potential.  That must be it.  How else can I explain this heartache?
If he was a penpal boyfriend, he'd be perfect.  He said the most beautiful things in writing, he could sometimes show his vulnerable side, and there was no sign of a brain injury.  We'd keep relations strictly to texting and kissing.

I've romanticized the relationship.  He did when we first got together, had big dreams for us, and I was practical- I never said I'd love him forever.  Now he walks away easily and I'm crying because I thought my love could help him through this, would bind us together... Or at least I thought being with me was better than being alone. 

I don't actually know if he walked away easily.  I don't know how he's dealing with this.  Me knowing shouldn't matter because it doesn't change the outcome.  When I see him, I don't want him.  I want him to want me.  I want more love poems!  Or I want the idealized version of him I construct from those poems....

I just finished reading Secrets of Happiness by Richard Schoch  It's not a self help book- it's a look at how religions and philosophers have defined happiness through the ages.  It's divided into four themes: pleasure, desire, reason and suffering, and touches on all the major world religions as well as Greek and Roman philosophers.  It's a fairly easy read, but you can think about it as deeply as you like.  I recommend it.  It goes from the superficial into a deeper understanding.  It doesn't reveal any secrets- only that happiness is a path that is different for everyone. It's hard to put into words what I got out of it.  I cried several times reading it, not that making me cry is much of an accomplishment these days.

I really responded to the section on Stoicism.  You probably know what it is- suffering bravely, staying detatched and indifferent to the circumstances.  A torturer cannot take your happiness from you because you control your own inner life.  It's a lot like Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl's philosophy- (I wrote about him earlier.)  The Stoics believed in taking part in public life, and finding happiness in the world rather than retreating from it (like a religious mystic or scholar might do.)  They believed in being virtuous and doing one's duty.  When suffering came, knowing you were righteous would help you endure it.  Aristotle was a little bit more forgiving- he thought not being virtuous when things got tough was part of what makes us human. 

Anyways, the point is, I am not very forgiving either.  I think people should strive to be good even when it's the most difficult to do so.  But it's all theoretical, because I haven't really suffered all that much, and I am not always virtuous.  I sure expected Walrus to be, though.  Telling someone with a brain injury to suffer bravely is a bit like telling someone with a broken leg to run faster.  The tool that controls emotions isn't working.  In fact, a broken brain throws one hell of a tantrum when it can't do what it used to.

I should take my own advice- do what's right for him, not for my ego, and endure the pain.  Because it will pass.  Goodbyes are part of life.  If I am crying because I feel fear for the future, that is irrational.  I don't know what's coming.  I can guess that there will be happiness and suffering ahead.  I must seek my own path to happiness, for seeking is finding.