We need to talk..

I need to talk to  Nerdboy about sex and I'm putting it off.  I think it won't change anything and I'll just cry my way though it.

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A deep suspicion that I already see the end of this relationship but I'm not ready to leave yet.

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We're having sex about once a week, and I'm going crazy.  And you know what, I didn't have successful sex until age 32, I think I'm allowed to be a bit sex-crazy.  I don't even think I need that much more than the current situation, maybe twice a week and I'd be smugly satisfied.  The problem is that I have no control over when it happens...
well, actually....I want more sex, and yet I'm a little bored by what we're doing now.

Nerdboy has told me he is against scheduling sex.  Which sounds like something I'd agree with, but it translates into 'we can never talk about sex in the future tense ever'
The first time this came up, we were in the car on a saturday afternoon and I said something suggestive about plans for the evening.  The response I got was almost angry...I was totally bewildered.  I thought I was being cute.  And it was the first time I'd tried to be flirty like that and I got a total shut down.

And for (Canadian) Thanksgiving we had dinner with his parents, something we both dread, and before we left,  I suggested that when we came home we could get me drunk and maybe get frisky. He said 'no scheduling sex'.

I have been drunk once in my life, and it was five years ago.  (We saw a play where a character wished her tee-totalling boyfriend would give in to the abandon of drunk sex, and surprisingly my interest was sparked.)  So if I ever have drunk sex, it's going to need a bit of planning.

At that point it had been a week without sex and I was a little frantic.  He doesn't get that if I suggest sex later, I'm really saying "I've been going crazy for three days and I don't know how to get through to you."  I added the drunk sex as a novelty to see if we could get around his rule, because frankly I hate it.

I don't initiate sex because I've been rejected more times than I've been successful.  Me trying to seduce him seems farcical.

And then the day after that incident, we had morning sex, initiated almost aggressively by him.  I was barely awake.

Argh!  He doesn't realize he's controlling this so completely.
He gets anxious if I expect sex later, I get anxious when I hope for sex all the time and can't read the signals.

What is going on with him?  He's had sex with at least a 100 partners.  Did he use up all his mojo?

He told me we were sexually compatible and I didn't really know what that meant.  At the time I was pleased.  But my sexuality was so unformed, I took all my cues from him.  And now I have ideas of my own. There are things I'd be open to trying that I know he's not into... (nothing too spicy, just different positions and things involving boobs.  I wish he was more into boobs.)

I want to experiment a little with sex.  Neither of us really knows what I like.  I want it to be fun, this process of exploring it together.  I still haven't had an orgasm ever, and only rarely experience high levels of pleasure.  Mostly sex is just interesting.  And lately even a little boring, which is a BIG DEAL because I've only been having sex for a year.  I still occasionally have pain as he enters me, I had hoped we were done with that but that would have been just too easy...

I bring all these hangups about sex and maybe I can't expect Nerdboy to be my sex therapist but I thought his openness about sex would be good for me.  I never guessed I'd be the one asking for more.

Reviewing the Situation

Well, let's just start off the day with a blog post title from "Oliver"the musical.  Ha!
I just need to think this over, and Nerdboy's not a good listener when I talk like this.  He doesn't like it when I'm negative about myself, and maybe he's right.  I don't want to keep complaining about the same stuff but neither do I believe in positivity at any cost.

I have gained ten pounds this year....Nerdboy keeps candy around and is a great cook.  We do jog sometimes, but it's slipped lately.  I gain weight on my stomach and it's grossing me out.  I hate that I've become someone who thinks about weight this much but I do.  I was a size 8, size 6 even, when I started writing this blog and now I'm probably a 12 or 14.

And at the moment I've got a handful of little jobs and am trying to schedule them all.  I had two interviews last week and I had a trial shift for one....(something crummy in retail.)  I'm trying to prepare stuff for craft fair season... A year with Nerdboy and so many job applications, so many interviews, so much money-stress.... My confidence is shattered and I make myself sick with nerves in the days before an interview, because I really need a job.  And my energy is going in so many directions...

I'm facing the reality that I can't jump in to being a full time artist right now.  I've been listening to a lot of podcasts about illustration and comics and commercial art.  The internet means artists aren't just competing with other artists in town, but with the best in the world.  And maybe I've been overconfident in my skills.  I can draw, but I'm not good with colour.  I haven't had anything published for a while, I haven't had a show.  I don't really have a body of work (I stopped making art while back at school...), I have a bunch of half-finished projects.  I went to school for something more film/television and never entered the industry...and now my skills are ten years out of date, not to mention rusty.

So I think I'm in a funk of regret and grieving for my wasted 20s.  I didn't fall in love, hardly travelled, haven't ever really had a 'real job',    Seriously, what was I doing?  And I was reminded recently of how hard I worked at drawing when I was a teen.  I spent my free blocks in the library copying old masters.  I carried a sketchbook and my favourite art books everywhere.

Life as an artist is hard.  I think there are big Societal Reasons why that is, and no, it isn't fair, but that's how it is.  If I want to make it, I have to work hard.  If I want to lose weight, I have to work hard, same thing.

But I finally have a boyfriend and I want to indulge myself in that!
Spend evenings drawing or cuddling?  Guess what I'm going to pick?  (I have been trying to work at night more...this is the cost of dating a morning person when I'm most creative at night.)

I think weird stuff is going on for me.  I still don't believe my life is real.  I've shared a bed with someone every night since December!  Sex is the weirdest thing ever!  I have no idea what goes on in his head!  Wait, why am I randomly crying again?

I was watching 'I Capture the Castle' on Netflix.  (I read the book as a teen, by the author of 101 Dalmations) and cried when the 18 year old main character Cassandra had her first make-out session. "That never happened to me, waaaaaaah, and my relationship with sexuality is stunted waaaaaah  and I wasn't that sad about it when I was 18, or even 25 but now that I have sex I'm sadder than ever about it and this makes no sense waaaaaaaah"

I don't think it's because I'm unhappy with Nerdboy.  There are issues, yeah, but I think we're doing okay.  It's just finally dealing with "I wasn't cuddled for a decade and now I'm insecure"

As a teen, I got good grades, I was smart, and in my little high school I seemed to be a major talent.  I wasn't cool and I wasn't confidant socially, but I never saw my life going this way.  I thought I'd be successful. I guess every kid thinks great things are coming for them....

This is exactly the kind of talk that Nerdboy won't hear from me.  He's gone closer to rock bottom than me, and climbed back up...(he is unable to talk about it, I think....)  But I want to say to someone that I'm taking a hard look at where I am and I'm  a little overwhelmed, and scared...

okay, time to get to work.  Writing this out makes me feel like I'm indulging myself.

tidbits, mostly unhappy

1.  I actually cried out during sex "I wish someone had done this to me when I was 16."  And then I broke down in tears, and then started laughing/sobbing.
Well, that was weird and awkward.
For the record, I'm not sure I actually am comfortable with 16-year-olds having sex.

2.  Search for part-time job/trying to make a living as an artist still a huge struggle.  Do you know anyone who's doing well in this economy?  Most people I know are overqualified for their jobs.
And I was promised a really great art-teaching gig and put some unpaid hours into developing a proposal, and then they decided I wanted too much money and dropped me.

3.  Nerdboy might be an internet addict and it might, in the long term, be a dealbreaker.  When I come home from work, he's been on the computer for several hours, and yet he still can hardly turn his head away to look at me.  I told him I expect him to ask about my day and that it means a lot to me.  And when I ask about his day, he gives one word answers, or sometimes has been annoyed 'My job is boring, ok?  There's nothing to tell.'
I feel really unimportant if cat videos outrank me.
After dinner we have together time and he's affectionate and chatty, so maybe I just have to give him alone time, but all I'm asking for is a little check-in when we are reunited after a work day.
Wow, writing this out is making me teary-eyed.  This is a bigger deal to me than I realized.

Annual review

We've been together a year now.  Well, from our first date.  I'm not sure when we were officially together.

Here's the quick update:

Career:  Ugh.  Still trying to be an artist, and sometimes trying to be an arts administrator.  Right now flat broke but expecting to make $5000 this month.  STRESS!

Family:  Still not talking to Dad.  Nerdboy decided to interfere and wrote to my father telling him to leave me alone.  Didn't help the stress levels much.

Sex:  Getting much better, getting less afraid to ask for things.  Still haven't had an orgasm.  Still happens every six days unless one of us is feeling particularly frisky.

Worldview:  Still trying to change the world, still angry.  Politics and a minor scandal in the Zero Waste Club has soured me on that.

Nerdboy:  He's a weird one and I don't understand him.  And yet I'm still happy to be reunited after our separate days at work, and cuddling feels safe and comfy.
Two friends have suggested he's mildly 'on the spectrum'.  He misses some social clues.  He changes topic completely randomly, sometimes inappropriately.  He can't deal with big emotions from me.  I know he struggles with depression.
As for my baggage, I will  start crying if I even think about all the years I was alone.  Now that's it's over, I guess I have to process it.  I cry weekly (on average) about this and it's a bit ridiculous.

Last night, we were talking about something completely ordinary and somehow the conversation turned to a friend from Nerdboy's youth, and all the wild things they used to do.  Nerdboy's youth is scary and shocking to me and makes me physically tense and usually near tears.  I want him to share this stuff with me, and yet I get all 'SEX AND DRUGS ARE BAD' and am completely unable to deal with it.  Teen sex is a 'trigger' for me, it's so far from my own experiences, and so I think about my own experience and start crying.  Gee whiz.

And then Nerdboy started talking about being unable to keep friendships and being an outsider, not understanding social relations, and getting to the point where he doesn't care and doesn't 'follow the rules'.  He sounded proud, like he'd cut through a bunch of bullshit.  But I didn't totally believe him.  He's someone who really wants to be loved.
And he's had so many sexual encounters, and at least a dozen relationships.
I had so many questions, and I couldn't ask most of them.  How does a relationship fit into this outsider status?  Am I an outsider too, or am I supposed to bring him in to my circles?
(And I reflected afterwards that  I felt like my long celibacy made me an outsider in a way. I felt very cut off from understanding what my friends were experiencing. I didn't tell him that though.)

This conversation ended as they always do- him deflecting questions (or randomly talking about movies based on comic books) and me confessing how ashamed I am of my 'late blooming' and crying, and us going to bed.

So I really can't tell what's going to happen.  We talk about marriage, and I feel happy about that.  Most of the time we get along.  We both avoid conflict so maybe something big still needs to be dealt with.  He supports me and defends me, but he's still private about his past.

back on the bike

So I'm learning to ride a bike, aged 32.  I haven't rode since I was a kid.
and I realized...I'm 13 going on 32.
I feel like I've stumbled into a grownup life and have to figure out a lot of stuff all at once.

on the edge of a slump

I cry very easily these days, and sometimes inexplicably.  I'm beginning to wonder if I'm actually doing okay.
I would have said I was happy overall but this weekend I realized how stressed I am.
I was really sick last week, a brutal cough that wouldn't let me sleep, that racked my body.  I get these coughs around once a year; my doctor has never been able to explain why I get this sick.  I took antibiotics but they didn't seem to do much.  I had to cancel all my teaching, so no income for that week.  I tried to work on my own projects but mostly I just watched Netflix and laid on the couch.

During the week, I got a phone call saying I did an excellent interview but I didn't get the job.  They'll keep my resume at the top of the pile.  That was for a part-time teaching job at a somewhat prestigious institution.  I'm a bit worried that it's the second time I've been told I'm qualified but they went with someone else.  I'm trying to get out of teaching, but can't seem to get a foot in the door, and now I'm not getting teaching jobs, which is all I've done for the past 10 years.  10 years!

Nerdboy doesn't get sick so he was sympathetic to a point.  I ending up sleeping on the couch and he wore earplugs...He always wanted me to stay in our bed but I worried about disturbing his sleep so I usually moved myself in the middle of the night.
 Nerdboy got me a bike by trading in helping a friend move, and has spent some money fixing it up.  I haven't been comfortable on a bike since I was 12.  Last summer I was trying to learn again on my mom's bike, and I bought a vintage bike and never fixed it up.  This weekend Nerdboy said it was time I rode the bike he got me, and planned a short route.  I just wanted to ride up and down the lane.  I was nervous before we started.  Last summer one of our first dates was a longish bike ride (I was on mom's bike) and I did fine.  But this new bike is bigger and had the curled down racing handles, so my body was leaning forward. I found it hard on my arms, (and the ladybits) and I didn't have a good grip on the brakes.

Basically, it was one panic attack after another.  I would ride about a block, and take a break.  I walked the bike if there was a hill, or traffic.  Nerdboy was encouraging intermixed with irritable.  He got frustrated when I walked the bike for two blocks.  He told me to stop saying 'I can't.'  I was a mess but we were turning around to come home and I was determined to ride back.  But it was slightly downhill and I felt like I was going too fast and couldn't brake, and I was screaming.  I actually did manage to manoeuvre the bike just fine and I did stop, although I banged up my leg a bit.  But I stood in the road sobbing and Nerdboy tried to be soothing again.  There was only two blocks left and I did ride home the rest of the way, almost retaining some dignity.

At one point I said to him, "You see me at my worst."

At home he mixed me a very boozy Brown Cow and I fell asleep for a two hour afternoon nap.  Meanwhile, he replaced the handlebars and brake levers for a more upright ride.  He is sweet, in a way.  I'm not sure how I feel about him pushing me to exercise.  He went too far with the bike ride. To be fair, he has seen me ride a bike before and I did much better so he had no idea I would freak out this much.  I was still coughing, and menstruating, so probably not the best timing.

When I woke up from the nap he got all handsy and we tried to have sex but the bike had really hurt me down there.  We did other stuff and it was okay for him.  Yup, it was right on the six-day schedule.  Sigh.

Since then, he's been trying to get me on the bike again to try out the new handlebars but he suggests even longer routes and I flatly refuse.  He did get me to jog though.  Body hates me right now.

We've been snippy with each other lately and I get so upset and near tears when I feel we're not in harmony.  Friday night we were watching a movie at home and he was shopping on his tablet for electric fans. I didn't thin kthat was a priority at the moment and I said, 'Exciting Friday night' and he got so insulted and said I was always on the computer too, looking at Pinterest.  I said,' I just want your attention'.  He said 'There's better ways to get it than taking cheap shots at me."

I've gotten chided for saying things too bluntly, and I get chided for asking for things too meekly.  Example: Me:  "Could you get me the water bottle out of your bag?  Or actually I could get it, if you stop, I'll get it...."
Him: "You can just ask for it.  You don't need the diatribe."

We're at 10 months together now and maybe it's time deeper issues are addressed, and it's coming up in these ridiculous exchanges.  I am often sheepish or even subservient when making decisions together or asking for his help.  He wants me to be more confident.  Being snide with me doesn't help.  And I feel there's always a computer screen or tv screen between us and that he does have a bit of an internet addiction, and he's sensitive about it.  And I am always thinking about how I'm going to make money as an artist and he's getting a bit tired of how distracted it makes me.

I think we actually both want more quality time together but we keep putting things in the way.

I didn't know it was this easy to be callous and rude to the person closest to you. I'm convinced I'm such a good person but living with someone other than my mother has highlighted all my bad habits.  My mother either indulged me or had worse habits of her own...

So Nerdboy is temperamental at the best of times and I haven't got my shit together.  And that's what's scaring me.  I've gained weight, I've barely got enough work to survive on, I have no professional work experience and I see other people younger than me getting careers going, I don't know what the next step is in pursuing my own business, I don't know how to be in a relationship, sex is troublesome, I can't orgasm, I didn't learn to drive until I was 25, and I can't even ride a bike.  Art is the only thing I'm good at and it feels like I've plateaued there, that it's time for me to push my skills and creativity to another level, and that's going to be painful to work through....

What have I been doing with my life, why am I so scared of everything? I have such big dreams and so far, not much to show for it.  I didn't want to be in a relationship until I had things a bit more figured out but some of the things I'm trying to do would not be possible without Nerdboy's support.  Living with mom and going crazy with loneliness weren't doing me much good either.  I can't tell if I've grown since I started this blog.  Sometimes it feels like I'm talking about the same old stuff, except now with sex.

bits and bobs

1. First time someone buys me lingerie and it's got a Star Trek logo on it.  ha! (we went to a comic/sci-fi fan event.)

2. Nerdboy, celebrity doppelgangers:

He's self-identified as both these characters.  (Dr Horrible and Reg Barclay)
I can see why.

3.  We've been on a sex-every-six-days cycle.  Nerdboy initiates it, mostly.  And it's been fairly routine, and not that good for me.  I have a harder time relaxing the muscles down there if it's only happening once a week.  I think I get a little overwhelmed, maybe a little anxious.  "Oh, huh! Sex!  We're having sex!  What do I do?  What do I want?"
 And I've told Nerdboy this but he can't feel what I'm feeling and I make a lot of noises so he thinks he's doing okay.  I have tried to explain what I want and so he does it once and never again, and I hate asking over and over again.  I haven't even had sex 100 times and I can't believe it's getting boring already.
If I ask for what I want, or take initiative, it's quite a lot better for me, but I've got all this Weirdness about Sex still and it's really really hard for me to blurt out my requests.  I'm actually keen to try new positions.

Nerdboy won't French kiss me and I'm finding it really boring to kiss during foreplay.  Can't we have open mouthed kissing?  I've requested it several times and he keeps saying we'll work on it later.  He says there's a technique he's forgotten.  I told him I really am not a connoisseur and just want my tongue to touch his tongue without overthinking it.  I think we're getting uptight about this and it kills passion for me.

 He said we're sexually compatible but I don't know who I am sexually, and he's basically training me.

No orgasm yet.  Last night, laying in bed, I asked him if we could schedule 'massage' sessions where he would use his hands or toys on me, without penetration.  I figure this would help us figure out what my body responds too, without putting pressure on him.  I thought we'd both look forward to intimate time together.  For me, anticipation is the best part.  Nerdboy said no.  For him, scheduling sex means the death of sex.  And even more than that, it makes him anxious.  I know I've come up against this before.  I thought I was being flirty and suggested having sex when we got home, and he got a bit snippy about it.  He's told me sex is best spontaneous and made a big deal about it.

I don't know what to do.  I'm disappointed.  I don't know why he'd be anxious when I don't expect P-in-V sex.  I really want to have an orgasm and I think this will help, and make penetrative sex better as well. Scheduling will make me less anxious and him more anxious.  My needs are not more important than his, though.  I really want him to help me with this, otherwise I'm going to have to have solo sessions while he's at work.

It's so hard to get rejected.  He's got these rules and they're making me unsure of what to do.  I won't initiate sex now because I can't understand when he'll go for it and I've been spurned twice.  And it's silly because in a long-term relationship there's going to be times when one will want it and the other won't and it doesn't mean the desire is gone.