Kissing 101?

I'm working on my own me-being-an-artist projects this month, and doing less teaching.  Not exactly by choice...Income is the tiniest trickle.  Meanwhile, I'm coming up with so many ideas of craft products to sell and workshops to teach.  I am probably putting my energy into too many ventures.

Nerdboy is being quite supportive and I couldn't do this without him.  I hope it's just not gratitude and economic need that keeps me with him.  

I think he's a little frustrated with me today.  Yesterday I was preparing to teach a workshop and was frazzled, melted a spatula on the stove because I turned on the wrong element.  And then I put something in the fridge that leaked everywhere... The workshop went well at least!

He hasn't said 'I love you' for a bit... not directly.  He's said 'love you too' when I've said it to him, in that automatic 'yes dear' sort of way.  I'm trying not to be weird about this but I've started being hyper aware of the absence of those words.  Is it better to say it all the time or to save it for special moments?  

He's affectionate and wants cuddles all the time so perhaps I should stop overthinking everything.

A few days ago I said I wanted to watch an old movie, a rare one that I love.  Nerdboy had downloaded it months ago.  He said I could watch it alone.  I said very quietly, 'I want to watch it with you.'  I was super hurt for the rest of the evening but I'm so bad at saying what I feel.  I composed a speech in my head about what I was going to say.  I'm watching the complete Star Trek franchise, movies and tv series (in order) to please him.  I think he can watch one old movie, and not reject it before he even knows anything about it.

I didn't say anything that day.  In the darkness in bed he started talking about a hard period in his life and then it didn't seem like the moment to change the subject.

~~~

Sex is going okay but still no orgasm.  

I read two books.  

Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming by Lou Paget.

There was a section (with pictures) of different masturbation techniques and different positions.  We only tried a few, not good results.  I felt like the book's message was 'try stuff until you have one!'

I also read 'Thanks for Coming' by Mara Altman which was her personal story of trying to have an organism.  She was around 25 years old I think, lost her virginity at 17, her parents were really open about sex, her dad is a sex therapist... but she wouldn't touch herself.  I'm pretty prudish, but even I was super frustrated that she was writing this whole book without doing step 1.  

She goes on some wild adventures, really weird stuff.  I don't know if I got anything out of it except to be reminded I'm really really vanilla.

~~~

Nerdboy won't use tongue when he kisses.

I don't get it.  He's done almost every sexual act you can think of, he'll put his mouth lots of other places...he'll suck on my nose as a joke and I think that's gross...

All I want is the tip of my tongue to touch the tip of his tongue and roll around one or twice.

The only other person I ever kissed had a half-paralyzed mouth.  

Nerdboy said I was too aggressive with my tongue.  Then he'd dartingly thrust his tongue into my mouth exaggeratedly to demonstrate.  He said, 'I'll have to teach you to French kiss'.

So we tried, and it was a disaster.  He just giggled and said he didn't remember how to do it.

I've tried a few times to venture my tongue out and he told me it wasn't sexy.

But I'm so bored with his kisses, and when we have sex, sometimes we kiss but just as often we don't.

We've never really made out.

~~~

All my worries, written out.  

I don't have relationship experience to draw on.  I'm so insecure, and Nerdboy has his share of issues.
Reading this back, our relationship seems a little strange and I wonder what readers will think of Nerdboy.
Of course I've highlighted the lows and not the highs so that skews things.

Still don't believe it

Nerdboy is out jogging.  We had sex this morning, after a very busy week, during which we were quite grumpy at each other more than once.  I have a harder time relaxing the muscles after a 'week off', and I can have some pain, and he'll be impatient and won't last long... Anyways, it wasn't great but it was fine.  I never did go to physio, have to look into my health insurance policy to see if I can afford it.

Sometimes I just can't believe this has all happened to me.

I haven't been cuddled this much since I was a little child.
And now I live with this man from the internet, a man who's done everything sexually and I suspect has tried most narcotics too.  That's all in the past but we both remark on how strange it is that we're together.  "I do think it's funny I ended up with a virgin."  "Hon, I never expected you.  I thought I'd get a virgin!"

He'll be reading in bed and glance over and find me staring at him.
I'm just trying to understand the foreignness of another person.  Strange strange man!  I've never really been close to someone.  Living with someone is bizarre.  And wonderful.  And frustrating.

I'm still not sure I understand his bisexuality. I know he's been in relationships with men.  I tried to picture him kissing a man and couldn't do it.  Mostly I just ignore it.  Sometimes he comments on how hot some actor is.  We don't have the same taste in men!

Besides, I'm not sexually attracted to just the physical.  My crushes have an element of the chaste to them. Sex for me is still new and needs a great deal of trust.  Maybe it's partly how men and women view sex?Although my friends will comment on 'hot guys' whereas I never have.  (I do love Colin Firth, but it's not about what he looks like.)

I read an article on a married couple where the man was bisexual and after 15 years together, he wanted to explore that side of his sexuality.  They agreed he could sleep with other people, and then opened up their relationship so she could too, and had threesomes and foursomes.  I didn't show the article to Nerdboy, but it's in the back of my mind.  Is that what we end up doing if we stay together?  I can't picture it.  Cannot picture me there at all.
I think I would let him have affairs if it were just about sex.  Better to be open about it than sneaking around.
This is moral grey area for me and it's weird to even being weighing these possibilities in my mind.

Nerdboy just helped me build a big art installation out of cardboard for an art festival.  I couldn't have done with without him, he wouldn't have done it without me.  He loved it.  I wanted to pay him and he refused.
We already have another project (and another deadline!).  We did fight a little during the last one but this might be our weird 'togetherness' thing.

He is really being supportive.  He said he was investing in me and my career.  Damn it, he might just be good for me!

Because of the installation, I have some money in the bank this month!  Not sure what's happening next with my career, but I am trying to make things happen and it's exciting.

six months in

Well, Elno, you're certainly in a different life than you were this summer.  You're living with a man, you have sex, you jog, sometimes, and you're still hopelessly lost career-wise.  And sometimes you don't really believe any of this is happening!

I'm sorta running out of money, my teaching gigs got cancelled again and I'm left with a spotty schedule.  Had to dip into the savings.  At least I've never been in debt.

I seem to have accepted Nerdboy for Nerdboy, although sometimes I do worry about the deeper stuff.  A recent discussion about buying a pvr showed our different viewpoints on meaningful uses of time and money...it's still less than ideal but we seem to work well together in general

Yeah.  So that's the update.  Nerdboy and I are going strong, I'm super stressed about money, I'm putting a lot of energy into a lot of different avenues, which might be inefficient, and I'm a feeling a little bit lonely because I don't have coworkers to talk to during the day.  it's time to reconnect with friends and volunteering, the intense relationship bubble period is probably about done.

levels of existance

Nerdboy is playing video games.  We've just been out running errands.  We nearly had a quarrel in the store because he wanted to buy a (brand name) cleaning product with bleach and I only want to use the kinds that say 'natural' and 'green' on it.  He said flat out he'd buy it when I wasn't there and I said, "You're going to do what you want anyways" and he picked up a bottle and put it in our basket.  I should have at least made my case that this product gets a failing grade from Environmental Working Group and that we should at least try green cleaner alternatives first...Now I've got a bottle of this poisonous stuff in my house.

Same old conflict.  He said, "Your first reaction is always no."  I said, "That is true.  My basic position for everything is we don't need to buy this.  It means I have to convince myself to let stuff into my life"

We got three new dishclothes, victory for me.  I think I mentioned he has one smelly cloth and I was raised to use a clean one every day.

Oh, little details.  You learn so much about yourself when faced with how other people live.  I need a new way to deal with our conflicting viewpoints, I can't just take the moral high ground, as I see it, and refuse to make my case or listen to his needs.  I just feel like I'm informed about environmental issues and he isn't and of course he should try to save the earth, by doing what I tell him.  Other than recycling, I'm not making much headway with his habits.

I went to visit Instafriend, she's been having health struggles and she's feeling a little low.  I told her about Nerdboy not understanding the issue that's most important to me.  I'm feeling alternately angry and depressed about all the ways the world is messed up, and let's face it, people don't care.  (Even I don't care ALL the time.  I bought some cheap storage basket today and Nerdboy teased me it was made by child labour, and it probably was.  But it was perfect to fit under our dresser!)

 Ok, I'm getting off track.  The basic point is that I read depressing books about environmental issues, almost constantly, and I want to talk to someone about them, and I'm feeling lonely. Very lonely.  Instafriend does share some of my environmental concerns so at least talking to her helped a bit.  And she talked about her marriage, about some of the troubles they've had, the big fight when her husband brought home a giant TV, how she's come to accept his video game habit.  They're actually a good couple, they support each other, they have a social life, regular date nights and go swimming together weekly.  But early in their marriage, he hit her once and she almost left him.  There could be dark times in any long term relationship.

She said she didn't realize how much marriage formally committed her to her choice.  She chose her husband, she chose to love him even though some things will always drive her crazy.

Instafriend said some perhaps insightful things about Nerdboy-  I talked about him fighting so hard to create an identity different from his parents', and having them accept him...I told her a little about how he's done everything sexually and mostly to please his partners.... and that he jumps onto my art projects, all my projects actually, and has advise or wants to get involved.  (these little tidbits were revealed in a long conversation and at the end she put them together into a theory-- maybe he's still struggling with his own identity, he's so willing to latch on to others'.  It could explain why he was so devastated when his last partner left him.  He has his quirks, he does know himself and is somewhat self-aware, but...

...he seems to have no dreams.  His hobbies aren't challenging, he isn't involved with any groups, he has few friends.  This is so bizarre to me.  I'm an artist, I'm head-in-the-clouds, pie-in-the-sky. I am always, always, always, reading about big ideas, making stuff and creating, finding something wrong with me I want to work on, and dreaming of what I want to to be, and what I want the world to be.
His dreams seem to be 'what I'd do if I won the lottery' type stuff.

He is just coming out of a depression, last year.  We've been together such a short time still.  Not yet 6 months.  I haven't actually asked him what he wants from life.  Instafriend thought I should tell him that I think volunteering is sexy.  I don't want him to do it for me.  Oh, it's a little bit of a lie every time somebody says that.  If he did it for me, I'd be thrilled.  But I hope that he finds it worthwhile for himself.  (I read some books on behavior change- start doing the behavior, it becomes part of your identity and you justify how it fits your identity and values after.)

It's hard to explain, but I feel like if I could just ignore my loftier ambitions in life, I'd be content with life as it is.  Day to day life, squabbles aside, is quietly happy.  Going to sleep with someone's arms around you- pretty darn nice.   Nerdboy and I have fun together, we're playful, we have projects to do, we both like efficiency in certain ways so we get things done. There are lots of reasons why I'm with him.
And I'm trying to start making money as an artist, and I like thinking like an entrepreneur, it's sorta like playing 'Lemonade Tycoon' in real life.... But in real life I worry about making decorative items when people have so much stuff already....I want art to be a publicly owned good, I don't want to make trinkets....that's a bit hard to explain quickly but to sum up, what I want to do for a living doesn't quite jive with my vision for the world.  Environmental activism doesn't make money...I don't want fancy stuff but I would love to own a house and land of my own someday.

every day more life happens

So, I lucked out and found a great artist studio near my place (Nerdboy's place, which is now mine as well).  It's $250 a month but it might be worth it just for the storage space.  My goal for this year is simply to make enough to cover the cost of the studio with my art.  Aim high!  But really, it takes time to set up the relationships and find the market for my creative talents.  Make it and they will come?

My grandmother died just before Christmas so I have to go out of town for the service and have to face my father this week.

Nerdboy.  Oh, Nerdboy.  We've been moving in my stuff, rearranging things, running errands.  We've been driving each other a little crazy I think.  His Christmas gift to me was a bit of a flop.  A Doctor Who sonic screwdriver pen!  He doesn't get the environmentalism thing at all.  I just saw an overpackaged novelty item I can't recycle.  There is a good chance he will never understand how I think about buying 'stuff''   (Everything is analyzed for its usefulness, longevity, ethical production, carbon footprint, etc)  while he just sees the latest toy as 'cool'   'affordable'  and 'I want it!'.

~~~~~
Finally getting around to finishing this post, a week later.
Went to the small town where my grandparents live to attend my Grandma's funeral.  I stayed at my uncle's, my dad also stayed there.  His side of the family is huge so there were always relatives around.  It was awkward but we were polite.  On the morning of the last day of the trip (I drove up with my sister) he cornered me at breakfast and said, "Eleanor, we should start the New Year off right."  I just froze and made a face, probably- really wasn't handling that like a grown-up.  I mumbled something about I had to do it my way (the letter I promised I'd write him.) and he got angry and said, "I don't think you're treating me fairly and I'm very upset about that."  I walked away.

Came home for New Year's Eve, still mourning and a bit stressed.  Wanted to give the keys back to the roommate but he wanted me to clean the bathroom.  I showered there once in December, Nerdboy was furious and wanted me to refuse.  I hate conflict so I agreed to do it New Year's Day.  Spent New Year's Eve at home with Nerdboy.  In bed.  Naked.  Probably my best New Year's Eve ever.

Since then, we've been busy unpacking and reorganizing our place and setting up my studio.  Nerdboy's been so helpful, I couldn't have done this alone.  He had holidays, he said some saucy things about having morning sex every day but we haven't done anything since New Years.  I don't really understand his sex drive or how to initiate sex so I just wait for him to give a sign but this week it was all cuddles.  Sigh.

Not a lot new to report.  Living together seems to work okay, we sometimes drive each other crazy but we talk about it.  I noticed he does what he wants, while I always check in (he puts on his music, I ask permission.)  Last time I asked, he chose music he thought I'd like.  I tried to tell him I wanted to choose my own music.  Next time, I just do it.  I live here too.

The deeper issue still exists-- I'm so idealistic and he's not.  He works fulltime, when he's home he wants to goof off.  I believe life is about more than video games and internet cats.  Humanity is facing a great crisis and we should all be acting to help others, to create change!!  I've been skipping out on some of my volunteer activities while I'm in the 'new relationship' phase, but I'm going to go crazy if I'm not trying to act on what I care about.  What if I sorta...look down on Nerdboy?  That isn't going to work.  How can I tell him why I get sullen and withdrawn when he spends hours at the computer without sounding like I'm judging him?

I guess a relationship is working if both parties think it's working.  Clearly I'm not quite satisfied, although day to day, life is quite good with Nerdboy.  I don't know.

so much to do

I haven't figured out what I feel about a life with Nerdboy.  We bought a dresser yesterday and even that revealed our different values and aesthetics.  (I don't like cheap IKEA furniture made of particleboard; I wanted to look for a solid wood 1940's dresser in the secondhand shops.  We bought a mostly-solid wood dresser with a scratch from the As Is section of the IKEA for a discount.  He did let me look for a used dresser but I wasn't getting results fast enough and my clothes are in bins all around his apartment.)

I had a long talk with my sister about feeling lonely in my environmental beliefs.  She married a man who resents recycling and will throw stuff out if it doesn't leave the house soon enough, even pop bottles which are worth a nickel!  And she's trained him a bit, but he does it for her, not because he really gets it.  And I've given her a hard time about it before, and then look who I end up with!  Nerdboy is really trying to recycle, he's too enthusiastic -he's recycling things that aren't recyclable and I have to re-sort it.

(And sorry folks, recycling isn't going to save the world.  It's a good habit but much bigger change is needed. It's just used here as an example of a behavior we view differently)

Back to the conversation with my sister- she still loves her husband (I'm not too impressed with him) and they make the relationship work.  Imagine how he'd live if he hadn't met her!

And then my sister and I talked about my father. He probably did cheat on my mother, more than once.
I'm not talking to him and I don't know what to do.

For the moment I am happy in my relationship with Nerdboy. I am excited to move in with him. I get silly-happy when we get groceries together or do laundry.  I think we'll be ok.

**this post was written over several days, hence the change in tone re: Nerdboy.

I'm looking at a studio space tomorrow. I really want it but not sure I can afford the added expense.  My sister said, go for it and push yourself to make it happen.  It looks like I'll have three small teaching gigs in the new year, a few hours a day, six days a week.  It's a dumb way to make money.  Really stressed about getting my income levels up, and hoping I can bring in money with freelance art work.

undercurrents

I'm practically living with Nerdboy and will officially be moving in at Christmas.
So why do I fantasize about breaking up with him?
I'm an environmentalist.  And before I met him, I was planning how I'd live my voluntary simple life and had a big crush on a geeky activist.
Nerdboy is in the room with me right now, he's working on a project.
He's learning how to recycle.  I can't expect much more of a transformation than that.

I really want a blog, a book, something, about environmentalists struggling to have relationships with their friends and family who don't share their values.  Because I think humanity's facing a crisis and everywhere I look people are just shopping, shopping, shopping. And I get upset but it's rude to tell people how to live their life so I just silently give them the finger, hidden in my jacket pocket...

Right.

shit.  shit.  shit.