I blocked him on facebook. I decided to reopen my OKCupid account, just now. Mostly I just want to see what's out there. I don't know why. It's something to do.
But of course I went and looked at his profile and it's been updated. I knew he was getting emails from OKCupid. I saw him checking his email last week.
He's got some line about if you like to debate politics, "I just might want to take you to the bedroom right now." He never took me to the bedroom "right now", and we did talk politics. I would try and start something and he'd fall asleep.
That hurts. I knew I shouldn't have gone anywhere near OKCupid at this moment.
How long ago did he start looking for someone else? If I had the power, I'd tell him to leave those poor girls on the internet alone until he figures his shit out.
Basically he looks more and more like a jerk the more I think about it. Something you, dear reader, probably saw all along.
Part of me just wants to go back to last September when I was the prettiest girl in the world. So he got tired of me, and passive-aggressively strung me along. Pretty happy to let me clean his room and buy him dinner and all the while feeling I was stifling him. Baloney! He should have been a man and said something. Considering he's rebelling at having to tell the group home what time he'll be back, I shouldn't be surprised he didn't like it when I told him not to drink.
My sister used to work with the disabled and she said after a major injury, the newly disabled take about two years to come to grips with it. I wish she'd told me that before. I can see it with Walrus. He didn't have good coping skills, wasn't growing.
My sister turned out to be quite wise and supportive in all of this. Weird, because she used to be the one saying the most hurtful things. I didn't feel taken seriously (as a grown woman) by my family until I had this relationship.
She said it hurts now, but I bet in a few days you'll be feeling free. None of his crap is your problem anymore! She said I'll bet you wished you'd broken up with him first. She told me about her first boyfriend, in high school, and all the stuff he did that we didn't see. He was always around our place, and I didn't really like him, or like my sister when she was with him. She said she was always a little bit ashamed of him and didn't feel like she could do better. She tried to break up with him but his mom went into the hospital and she felt like a jerk and couldn't do it. Then he broke up with her and my sister was pissed!
I think I was ashamed of Walrus. Then it became my role to be the saintly girlfriend and I liked that.
That is probably the most hurtful thing: I thought I was helping. I thought he'd realize how much I do for him during this week apart. He said he felt great, felt free without me around. I was crushed. I couldn't form sentences. I put my head on my knees and cried.
I wasn't ever in love with him. Both of us deserve better than that. The relationship wasn't ever going to work without that. I need to remember that. Really wish I hadn't spent all that money on him though! Bastard!
This is no big news flash but I want my right person right now. I want to have my hair stroked and big arms around me and to feel loved and safe in that love. Other people have it. They say it just feels so comfortable and right, from the very start. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?
My sister and I talked about me being critical. I don't know if we got to any conclusions. She said that it's usually things that bother you about yourself that bother you in others. I think I said that here recently as well. It doesn't immediately apply, since I don't drink and I do recycle. I thought it might have something to do with discipline, but that was stretching it. Being ashamed of him made more sense. I was mad at him for not being what I wanted. Oddly, my sister said that it had been mentioned at a family event (that I was absent from) that I didn't drink, and an aunt remarked that my great-grandmother, whom I never knew, was like that. Didn't like drinking, dancing, swearing. They all thought it was funny that I was a bit of a throwback to that. I'm fine with dancing, by the way. So maybe this righteousness is genetic! It's not making me happy though. My sister said I was hard on her, growing up. (My sister was hard on me, physically!) I'm hard on myself.
My sister said something about me building a wall around me. What does that mean? I don't see it. Is it just something you say to people who don't date? That, and 'you're just picky'.
My sister also said "He stressed me out a bit. Like, that time you guys came to my place, he kept turning up the radio even when I asked him not to. We live in a condo and it was late at night." And that put the final nail on the coffin.
I guess I learned something from the relationship, if nothing else. Wonder if Walrus did.
I think there is a second crash coming, when I'm over Walrus but faced with the emptiness of the summer ahead....I applied to do some volunteer work for the next three months. I'll find out next week if I'm picked.
I need to make more friends, get out there. (I'm so pissed about choir! I'm going to miss it, but it would be so awkward to go without him and explain to everyone.)
I just want something that's mine. I'm getting nowhere.
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