Part Three: Unreal

This has been a miserable few days.  If I stop to observe myself, I find it fascinating that I am blogging my way through it.  Good thing I don't tweet!
The weird thing is that I keep checking to see how many people have read the latest post.  I would appreciate encouraging comments if you're reading this.  Please!

So yes.

I was so stressed out yesterday I was sick to my stomach.  I chickened out about calling his parents, then at the last minute I did call the hotel and no one at the front desk answered.
For some reason I stayed around until noon, made sure Walrus had his pills and breakfast and that the house was presentable.  Then I called my mom.  I told Walrus I was angry and that I was leaving.  He was still very out of it.  Either that, or emotionally shut down.
Right before I left I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything.  He said, 'No.  Why?  What's going on with you?'
I said, "It was a pretty shitty night for me"
"Why?"
"Because I was worried about you"

He did get up and moved slowly towards me and tried to kiss my cheek but I stood there frozen.
I went to put my shoes on.  I was crying.  He stayed on the far side of the room.  I'm pretty sure he could hear me but he didn't stop me.  In fact he moved towards the sliding door to the outdoors.  I said goodbye loudly and left.

I felt quite calm telling my mom.  I went home and napped.
My sister checked up on me.  I said I was fine.  
My friend called from the frozen north and I told her the story too.  Telling about the very last moments of leaving him makes me cry.  She was very much in favour of dumping him, and dumping him immediately.  I told her I was waiting until he was sorta with it again, and back at his group home, instead of alone with his parents' liquor cabinet.  She agreed that was a good idea.  

I was restless all afternoon, and started working on an art project.  I kept checking my phone and email a lot.  After dinner I started to feel sick again, worrying that I was obligated to call his parents just to finalize the house sitting.  No word from Walrus or them.  I started to write an email to his mom but didn't send it.  Had he told them what had happened?  Were they upset I had left him there alone?
She phoned me around 9, cheerfully thanking me looking after the house.  She said she hoped the pets gave me no trouble, and Walrus too.  I said, "He didn't tell you?"  I briefly told her the story.  She said 'What a turkey!  I am flabbergasted. I don't know what to say.'  She said she hoped we worked it out soon.

I was fine until I lay down for bed.  Then I cried.  I am worried about Walrus and feeling sorry for him.  He's going through a rough time and I'm sorry I can't stick it through, but he's hurting himself and me.

Then I felt sorry for myself.
No job, no boyfriend, few friends, not speaking to father.  Back to square one.  How do I find a new guy?  Online dating seems so unappealing now, even more than before. It's a lot of work and a lot of awkwardness.

I even thought the dreaded question, "What's wrong with me?" and cried harder than ever.

Other people are getting married and starting families.  I had a 9 month long relationship and didn't even manage to have sex.  I am so bitter about that!  I want that checked off the list.  Now I have to start all over again, have to tell someone again...

I have to take what I've learned from this and be thankful for our time together.
He did love me unconditionally and I couldn't return the favour.

The next few days are going to be tough.  I actually still have to have the talk with him.  What if I can't go through with it?