Last night Walrus mentioned Evil Ex- she had to drop something off for him. I was surprised that she was being civil and asked how it would be to see her. He actually wanted to talk about how much she'd hurt him and how he was trying to forgive her...and I tried to tell him it was okay if he was still mad at her because that was a way to protect himself from getting hurt again... And then I said "this is weird for me to talk about with you." He said, 'I understand.'
And then later he said something about wishing that the doctors had just cut off his bad arm and given him an artificial arm that worked. I started crying- how violent to wish a part of your body was cut off. I said Do you want your ass kicked? and he said yes and I just went for it. I said I used to hold your bad hand and you could feel it and isn't that better than a metal arm? and then I launched into how he didn't push hard enough, didn't do the exercises to get movement back in his hand...
and he got really angry and said he did push himself and nobody understands what he's gone through...I sobbed the whole time but we kept talking through it (I said I tried to understand what you're going through and he said I'm not making light of your empathy, believe me) and I think he was calming down but it was really late and we just said goodnight.
In the morning I asked if he was still mad and he said he hadn't slept. I saw him tonight and everything was fine- we didn't talk about it.
I thought about it and all I meant by 'push yourself' was 'do 15 or 20 minutes of exercises with your hand in the morning' (and give up drinking and smoking but that's another story...)
But this other big thing I realized, and I actually said this in the conversation but I'm not sure he got the significance of it- I'm mad at myself for not pushing myself. People generally tend to overestimate how much they do, anyways- this goes for both me and him. I do better if I'm pushed a little and I wanted to be pushed so I pushed him... but he wanted to be comforted.
I think we both have work to do, but you can't push someone who isn't ready.
I get defensive when people tell me I'm not doing as much as I should be (like, working on dating!)
I've heard it said that things which frustrate us about other people are actually things which we're frustrated with ourselves about. Sometimes when I read your blog posts I'm tempted to try to push you more on the dating, but I can tell that it's partly because you remind me of how I was back when I was struggling to progress in the dating world, and I can feel frustrated with my former self!
ReplyDeleteYou've got a point that pushing someone who isn't ready may not work. But if you'd like more internet-transmitted-pushing from me, let me know! And I still think it would be cool to have a designated Eleanor-dating-pusher in your local area, who would check in with you a few times a month and encourage you to keep up the momentum.