Post-Party Debrief

The party was OK.  I tried to do too much.  Getting the house clean ('clean', ha!) is always so stressful I'm exhausted before the party even starts.  Then I planned too many things to cook, and I was trying to prepare all the supplies so I could teach the craft, and a little presentation about my job search.  Host, chef, teacher, presenter- too much for one person!

Nine people had said they'd come, and three cancelled. We did the craft, and I didn't teach it the way I wanted, because people didn't arrive all together, and then some people decided to use what I'd done as a template, so they were way ahead of everyone else, and I was running around getting food and drinks and making my dog behave.  The crafts were looking good, despite this.

My mother went out for the afternoon and came back just as it was time for 'career chat' and I banished her to her 'study' because I thought I'd be embarrassed if she listened.  Turns out she went and read my sample cover letters during that time (I'd used her computer to print them out) and later she blurted out her advice.  Thanks, Mom.

I'd done a simple slide show for the presentation but didn't have a way to make it big enough for everyone to see.  I just used it as notes, but I kept getting interrupted.  My friends had lots of questions and ideas and we talked for an hour and a half.  Some were still working on their craft so they mostly listened.  It's clear to me what kind of work I want to be doing, in a very broad sense.  It remains to be seen how much I'm going to be hands-on, the artist or teacher, or how much I'm going to be organizing and administrating.  It seems like two different paths- do I want to be freelance, hustling after gigs and writing grants, or do I want to be part of an organization, (bureaucracy!) and get a steady income and benefits?

In any case, the suggestion came up a few times- go talk to people!  If you're interested in their job, their organization, go find out what they do and how they got there.  Most people are willing to give you half an hour for that kind of talk.

Also, I was surprised when I mentioned the recycled art materials depot- my friends really liked that idea for me!

I wish I'd written things down.  There was a lot of ideas I really bristled against.  People's suggestions were obviously based on their own experiences- they would suggest things in their field I might be able to do.  I want to get into the field I studied!

I'm volunteering right now and I complained that I felt the staff spent a lot of time 'boosting morale' and not actually accomplishing much- that money should be going to fund their non-profit work, not staff retreats!  Also, the work I do as a volunteer is boring and not using my talents.  I thought it was time to quit and find a better fit, but my friends suggested I propose a project to them.  I really didn't like that idea, but later I did think of another organization that I am somewhat involved with, that might have a lot more flexibility for me to really become involved.

I'm trying to volunteer to get specific kinds of experience, or to be really involved in things I care about, but I'm finding organizations don't really use their volunteers in meaningful ways.  I'll stuff envelopes, sure, but I'm really looking for something to be a part of, not just manual labour for a few hours.

Now, I'm not that much of a capitalist, as you might have guessed, except when it comes to art!  I think J K Rowling deserves every penny.  I think stockbrokers are just gamblers who don't produce anything of value.  I want a fair price for my art.  I always charge too little, and it makes me feel like my time isn't valuable.  And it hurts other artists by undercutting them.  An artist should be making the equivalent of $50 an hour, and up, for creating or for teaching.  I really believe that's fair for their expertise and unique visions, and for all the work they do that isn't creative- marketing themselves, basically running a small business.  

Helen (the intern from the festival who later suggested we do a crazy contest together) totally took over the career conversation, as she is unemployed right now, plus she's the type to give unsolicited advise, with all the wisdom of her 26 years.  She phoned me after the party and I got another 45 minute advice session.  She told me not to be too proud, to take anything to get in the field, even if the wage is unfair, or to work for free (also unfair).  I'm sorry.  I'm 31 and I have six years of school. I should not have to work for free.  I should not work for wages that are exploitative of my creative talents.

I've done the crappy jobs, I've volunteered hundreds of hours.  It's not that I'm proud- it's that I really want to do meaningful work.  If I have to work for minimum wage, I'd MUCH rather work for a non-profit than a retail chain.  At least I'd be doing good in the world.

But, at a certain point, the world is the way it is.  Professional athletes are way overpaid, teachers are not.  The world makes no sense.  I have to eat, and I can't hold out for the job that fits my idea of how life should be.  Although they seem to be out there- there are jobs out there that are a comfortable wage and meet my standards for ethical work.  It's possible.

I don't think my friends understood my code of ethics.  The work must be meaningful and sustainable.

We never got around to looking at resume and cover letters.  Everyone went home at dinner.  It was me, Mom and Walrus eating all the food by ourselves.  

Walrus watched TV on the couch after and I drove him home.  

God I'm tired.

I just want someone to kiss me on the forehead and hold me tight and tell me it's going to be okay.  I want somebody (other than my mom!) to wash party dishes with me and talk about how things went.  My friends (except for Walrus) only had so much time to give me, then they went home to their own partners and families.  Helen ended her phone lecture by reminding me that I live at home and don't pay rent and don't have kids and I'm lucky I have a place to live.  I'm not sure this was helpful.

So, no great solutions came out of it, but I do have to just hustle and push myself and get out there and talk to people until something happens.  I have to work harder than I ever have, no matter how tired I am.  It's my life I'm fighting for.  I got myself into where I'm at, and I need to make something out of it.