Just so tired...

My life doesn't seem real, sometimes.

This is probably going to be a rant, about nothing new.
I've just had a bout of stomach flu and am taking the day off work.  It's been miserable.
My best friend has moved north to be with a man she met on a train.
At her going away dinner, Walrus tried to settle his bill by debit and his card was declined.  I paid for his with cash.  I was annoyed, disappointed.  I am not really facing the fact that I am terrified that he can't look after himself.  Who else would put up with this stuff except me, the 30 year old virgin?
Although when I started dating him my sister said, "If you'd been dating him before the stroke, would you stick with him?" and I said "Yes, of course."  She said, "Then you might as well start with the hard times.  No relationship is easy."
He's a good person. He just needs extreme patience and support right now.  When I was sick I ached all over, and even simple things were difficult.  I realized that must be what it's like for him ALL THE TIME, and he doesn't complain.
I can't wait for internship to be over.  I hope someone hires me.  I hope to move out this summer.  My life can start.  Because that big change is ahead of me, I feel frozen in other things.  But there's so much I could be doing to move forward and prepare for that.  Months!  Just months away if I make it happen.
I realized that I feel very stressed about doing a good job at this internship and it's really starting to exhaust me. All the feedback has been positive so far so I don't know why I'm so insecure.  I am insecure about a lot of things.  Is that the cause or the result of how I've lived my life so far?  Not having a boyfriend my whole life seemed unreal.  I felt normal, so why wasn't I normal in that department?
And now this painful sex thing is stressing me out.  It's so unfair!  Did I develop a fear of sex somewhere along the way?  I have always been a bit prudish.  I never get to be alone with Walrus anyways since either of us has our own place so I don't know how we're going to work on it.
I worry I'm not taking care of myself, my diet, exercise, art-making, even cleaning my house.  I work, I commute, and I try and spend time with Walrus.  When I'm not doing those things, I'm exhausted.  I do easy mindless things. TV.  Online jigsaw puzzles. I've beat 'Plants Versus Zombies' twice, won every trophy and I still keep playing it.
I've lost touch with friends too it seems.  There's just no time.
And then I've been increasingly disappointed in what I see going around me.  I'm very cynical.  My city has a reputation for being cold, and everyday I take the bus I see such selfishness, such rudeness from other bus riders and drivers.  Nobody seems to give a shit about anybody but themselves.
Walrus told me he was in the grocery store buying two pieces of fruit and somebody told him he shouldn't be there and he was holding up the line.  How heartless is that?  He's had a stroke!  He has a right to buy his groceries same as anybody else.
And then there's bigger issues I'm concerned about- the Canadian government is EVIL right now, and the environment....I'm very idealistic and I want to use that to do something good, rather than have my heart broken by all the problems I see in the world.
So, I just need to work on my health, job, independence, relationships, artistic practice, sex life, community involvement....no problem.