Warning- this is an eco-rant that will bore most people but is of real concern to me. It also deals with me wrestling with how my environmental concerns separate me from social activities, maybe that's more interesting. Oh and at the bottom there's a little update about E.
Yesterday was the baby shower for my sister-in-law. She started a meet-up group for moms in their twenties a few months ago. She was very strict about the 'in their 20s' part and wouldn't let anyone over 30 join. Cheeky 21-year old brat! So young and doesn't even know it.
Her mommy group threw the shower and they were kind enough to invite my sister and me, and our mom. However, even my sister, who had her first child in her mid-twenties, was shocked at how young they were.
They had gone to a lot of trouble and had decorated and baked and devised stupid games for us to play. There were 8 children there under the age of 3. I was the only childless woman there (my mom had grown children, obviously, but still had pregnancy and baby stories) I like kids, but I got overwhelmed and started on my "7 billion people is quite enough thank you" rant. In my head, of course.
I saw a cartoon once that had parents holding out a new baby to some onlookers. The caption was 'We heard there was a shortage of these'. Self-congratulatory breeders, ugh.
I am so bitter. In my heart of hearts I must admit I would like children of my own. I like babies and I do want to hold them. Oh, I'm sure there are unresolved issues there.
But I am in the grip of this frenzy about the future of the planet and human civilization. I won't go into it, only that I am pessimistic and believe that the next generation is going to get stuck with a lot of problems and not enough resources to solve them.
All the moms there except my sister and one other used disposable diapers. One of the games involved mashed up chocolate bars in diapers and smelling them to see what kind they were. I was so upset at the waste (of plastic and of chocolate!). I was upset at the gift wrap, greeting cards with little bits of foam and glitter on them, the gifts she received all made of plastic.... I even hate balloons. Who hates balloons?
I feel like an extremist. I see everything as wasteful. The baby's not even born and it's already filling up landfills for the next thousand years. It should be a happy event, and I will be a good aunt when the child arrives, but inside I am critical. The moms acted out of kindness in throwing the party for my sister-in-law; they aren't bad people, they just don't see any problem.
So I'm already an introvert, with mild social anxiety, who can't do small talk. I don't need to believe that Western Civilization is evil. But I do. I think it's shallow, wasteful, exploitative, and leading us to our doom.
So you know, I'm lots of fun at parties.
And hypocritical. I like flush toilets as much as the next person!
I know there are other people out there who share these concerns. Maybe I just am an outsider and need to find others like me. We'll go live on a homestead or a commune or something else suitably hippy-dippy.
Update:
E wrote to me and apologized for being quiet. He said he does that when he meets new people. Sure, I can sympathize, but we've been writing for a month. I guess it wasn't fair that we met on my turf and ran into my friends. Still. There was zero connection. I gave Walrus a second and third chance but I don't want to do that anymore. It makes me feel desperate. I don't know. Introverts work on a different system and everything takes longer but I still have the idea that there should be a connection. Anyways, E invited me to see a movie and I don't want to go. I guess I'll have to answer him sometime. Maybe tomorrow.
Online dating's not really working for me. Nobody's even looking at my profile. I didn't think I was that bad-looking...
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