...or tarot cards or palm reader or newspaper horoscope columnist, tell me my future.
I know I'm in a mood when I start looking for answers in the horoscopes...
But I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME and I WANNA KNOW NOW! It's so UNFAIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I've had lots of temper tantrums and lots of sob-fests this summer but nothing happens. Today has been particularly moody. Thank you hormones.
Quick updates. Wrapped up internship. They said I was 'a gem'. 'Capable' They praised my sense of humour. Huh? Anyways, it was a not-bad experience in the end, and I've got four new facebook friends out of it. That's almost like an achievement.
I'm volunteering for another major festival for the next two weeks (one of a few hundred other volunteers), and am also helping with another little festival this weekend, the one I worked for last summer. Yeah, I know it's confusing that I work/volunteer for all these nameless festivals but I want to keep my anonymity. (Did I really spell that right?)
If nothing else, I am busy.
Still jobless, and getting a bit worried. Mom was talking about her new job at a family dinner, and said the car and major appliances are all breaking at once and she can't afford to fix them. (Did I mention Mom's working two days a week? She's been off work for years so this is a good first step) I want to contribute to the household at least, if I can't afford to move out yet, and I wouldn't mind having a working dishwasher again....
I know logically a job should be my number one goal, but I have a continuous pity-party going because I'm single. It took everything I had today not to text 'I miss you, you stupid bastard' to Walrus. A romantic message if ever there was one. I skipped choir this week, and so haven't seen him, and so didn't receive my birthday hat (see previous post)
Eleanor, have you forgotten what it was like? On the one hand, spooning and kisses and love poems, sure, but on the other, he was always late, spent your money, poor hygiene, and didn't recycle! And that's a partial list!
Oh but I want to be special to someone again! Whine whine whine!
Two months in, I am no longer 'fresh meat' on OKCupid and hardly get any messages. I know I should put new photos up but uh, updating the resume is probably a higher priority. And online dating is a legitimate way to meet people, but it's not the only way. I'd rather it was Plan B. There is no Plan A. I guess Plan A is get a job and a life and move out. Oh.
I mention OKC because it's almost like reading the horoscopes. It's a way of daydreaming about what comes next, of possible futures for me. Who is a 30-something single male online-dater and what does he want? Do I have what they want?
At the moment I don't see anyone I can imagine being with...I had an immediate reaction when I read Walrus' profile and I thought about him a lot. (Let's not question my taste, that's not the point.) He contacted me before I was brave enough to contact him. I've never initiated contact, actually. That's not the point either.
The point is, I use this pictures of single men to imagine my love life, my Something-Better-than-Poor-Old-Walrus, my Someone-Worth-Waiting for... It's not working. I can sorta imagine Something Better, but it's basically a blurry montage of old Hollywood movies and soft rock ballads. I can't imagine it when I read descriptions of real men. Me and ....that guy? Kissing? I don't see it happening.
Some possibilities: 1. The good ones really are all taken. These are the leftovers. 2. I have unrealistic expectations. I am looking for a male version of me. 3. I have some self-esteem issues and am pre-rejecting myself for these men.
Sub-possibilities for number 3: a. I should stop self-sabotaging and just write to men than interest me in any way. b. I should concentrate on getting a job and being independent and that will fix self-esteem issues and I will be in a better place to begin looking for a romantic partner.
or c. I should stop analyzing things to death and go to bed.
Friday 28 September 2012
Sunday 23 September 2012
The significance of a hat
I was out with a friend yesterday for a wild night of watching the new Dr Who episode (Yeah, I'm nerdy) and Walrus was texting me a bit. He said he's bought me a hat for my a birthday, one of those 'cloche' style hats that were popular in the 1920's. I haven't seen the hat yet, but I hope he didn't spend a lot of money on it. And why did he get me a gift? Does he think we're getting back together? It seems unlikely that he's just thanking me for being a good friend...
I probably should be beyond this stage at this point, but in my mind I am analyzing what would need to change to make a relationship with Walrus work. It's a fairly long list. I hope this process helps me learn what I need in a relationship and helps me move on.
I admit there's a small part of me that would consider getting back together with him. Considering it isn't the same as doing it though. Buying me a hat doesn't fix things!
Alright. Now what happens?
I probably should be beyond this stage at this point, but in my mind I am analyzing what would need to change to make a relationship with Walrus work. It's a fairly long list. I hope this process helps me learn what I need in a relationship and helps me move on.
I admit there's a small part of me that would consider getting back together with him. Considering it isn't the same as doing it though. Buying me a hat doesn't fix things!
Alright. Now what happens?
Friday 21 September 2012
Another Wacky Week
In which I go to a party, have a lonely birthday, see Walrus again, and find out when my mother lost her virginity....
End of the festival party: I'm not good at parties. There was a part halfway through where I got overwhelmed and sat by myself, right in the middle of the crowd, and just watched. I won the costume contest. ( I was Princess Leia. The crowd actually started chanting 'Leia! Leia' as soon as the contest was announced. It was very embarrassing)
Then some people started dancing and not knowing what else to do with myself, I danced a little. I'd leave if the music got too 'house' but if they played some oldie I'd go back. Now, I generally don't dance in public. I bend my knees in time, and think I'm dancing, but it's like my body is frozen. But, in a Princess Leia costume, the day before my birthday, I just started having fun. I don't think I'd want to watch footage of me that night, but I was jumping around and just not caring. And the other dancers knew all the songs and sang along. For once I wasn't a snob about people being sincere about pop songs. I could sorta see why people like drinking and dancing... It makes you feel alive. And while I'm not rushing out to a club this weekend to experience it again, I at least saw another point of view....
Cleaning up after the party took well into the night, so then it officially was my birthday. I missed the last bus out to the suburbs so I stayed overnight at one of the other intern's...she was really drunk and threw up three times. In the morning she was so embarrassed. She was really nice and I felt bad for all the mean things I said about the Other Interns before the festival.
My birthday sucked. I slept all day. I tried to get a small gathering together and all I got were a bunch of 'maybes'. The only confirmed guests were a girl from choir and Walrus. Um. Awkward. So I canceled that. Spend the evening doing laundry and applying for jobs. My mom didn't even cook me a birthday dinner. She made herself eggs. Sigh.
At least my choir had cake for me at this week's session and sang me birthday songs. It was the first time I'd seen Walrus in two months. Wasn't sure how to behave. We greeted each other with a hug but I didn't stand next to him during the singing, then ended up next to him anyways later in the evening. I still fuss over him, getting him a chair, picking up his cane when he drops it. He went and helped himself to cake about halfway through the session, which I thought was rude. If nobody else had touched the cake, I certainly wasn't going to. But he always ignores those social cues if there's food or drink around...
So after choir Walrus and I went to this show. It was right next door to where we meet for choir and featured a comedian we'd previously seen together. I'd been trying to get somebody to go with me for weeks, and then Walrus seemed so disappointed when I canceled my birthday plans, so I asked him to come. He was going to be at choir anyways... And I paid for his ticket, supposedly as a 'loan'.
Yes, I know this is a weird way to see your ex-boyfriend. Really, I know.
He enjoyed the show. The audience was invited onto the stage at the end, and no one moved, except Walrus, who clomped his way onto the middle of stage quite unabashedly and starting looking at the unusual instruments. I followed, but stayed to the side of the stage. Then the rest of the audience joined us...
Afterwards I waited with him at the bus stop and he talked about what's going on with him. He's signing up to volunteer for a stroke organization, and applying for financial aid to go back to school. At one point I was telling him about winning the costume contest and he one-arm hugged me and said 'Good for you, dear!' and that's bothering me a bit, obviously.
Well, there might have to be a conversation about that. No, I don't want to get back together.
He told me some anecdote about him getting so drunk he passed out in the bathroom and his ex trying to get in to pee, but he was blocking the door. She'd hit him with the door and he'd groan, so she left him alone and peed in the kitchen sink. He thought this was a funny story.
I would have reacted so so so differently than the ex. He was going to spend his life with this woman?
On another topic, I got a free couch this week and it's sitting outside on the front lawn. Trying to clear a spot for it in mom's basement, I knocked over a box of her mementos from her high school/college years. Found notes from her old boyfriend. One of them said, 'Would you like to engage in sex this evening? Check one box' followed by three boxes all labeled 'Yes'. One note might have been about a pregnancy scare in her college years. Others were about fights and emotional messiness that didn't make sense to me, but must have been intense for the parties involved.
Reading these gave me a weird feeling, and I put them away. Mom was sexually active in high school.
(So was my sister - She gave me a box of old greeting cards she thought I could use for crafts. In it, I found a note from her friend congratulating her on her first time.)
I also found a necklace with a Women's Lib medallion in Mom's things. Just weird to think of who she was then and who she is now.
And weird to think of teenage love and to not have that experience. Or a shoebox full of notes to remember my youth by. I have two love poems from Walrus though.
Anyways, I'm very tired and I don't know what to do with all these thoughts. I'm sad that I have no one to talk to, no one to celebrate my birthday with.
Monday 17 September 2012
Crankypants
Festival is over, (I survived!) but we're doing clean-up stuff this week. Everyone is very tired and cranky. I am frustrated by the lack of organization. I believe many workplaces suffer from a similar problem though. Nevertheless, I think I was openly rude today and I don't like it when I give in to those feelings.
The festival manager came by and spoke to me (not about being rude! new paragraph, new topic). I was praised for sounding confident and in control when I had walkie-talkie duty during the festival. Thanks, but were you expecting less from me?
Walrus and I had a late night conversation yesterday. He asked me out of the blue what my deepest fear was. (Rejection and failure and sharks!) Today we talked (alright, texted) for a long time about him accepting his stroke. So, don't know what the rules are for the friendship at this point. There is some contact, most days. Who knows. It might hurt a little, but not being friends with him might feel worse.
I went to write back to E, just now, and found he's deleted his OKC account. Well! I feel a bit bad but I can't help you if you can't wait three days for an answer. Ok, it wasn't going to be a good answer. But still.
Canceled on the job interview this week when I read the email more carefully and realized they wanted me to jump through all these hoops. All these hoops on my side, and I've only dealt with a computer on theirs. I was supposed to email my answers to standard interview questions and then attend a group interview and play games! What is this nonsense? I didn't really want the job. Maybe I should have gone for it. It's working with kids. I don't want to do that anymore.
Trying to throw myself a little birthday gathering so I don't sulk about being alone. PRO-ACTIVE!
Yeah, I really was cranky today but I seem to be okay now. Tomorrow's going to suck though.
The festival manager came by and spoke to me (not about being rude! new paragraph, new topic). I was praised for sounding confident and in control when I had walkie-talkie duty during the festival. Thanks, but were you expecting less from me?
Walrus and I had a late night conversation yesterday. He asked me out of the blue what my deepest fear was. (Rejection and failure and sharks!) Today we talked (alright, texted) for a long time about him accepting his stroke. So, don't know what the rules are for the friendship at this point. There is some contact, most days. Who knows. It might hurt a little, but not being friends with him might feel worse.
I went to write back to E, just now, and found he's deleted his OKC account. Well! I feel a bit bad but I can't help you if you can't wait three days for an answer. Ok, it wasn't going to be a good answer. But still.
Canceled on the job interview this week when I read the email more carefully and realized they wanted me to jump through all these hoops. All these hoops on my side, and I've only dealt with a computer on theirs. I was supposed to email my answers to standard interview questions and then attend a group interview and play games! What is this nonsense? I didn't really want the job. Maybe I should have gone for it. It's working with kids. I don't want to do that anymore.
Trying to throw myself a little birthday gathering so I don't sulk about being alone. PRO-ACTIVE!
Yeah, I really was cranky today but I seem to be okay now. Tomorrow's going to suck though.
Sunday 16 September 2012
Horoscope
Alright, I admit I have a weakness for horoscopes. And this one is a doozy.
Your wishes and social life have run into a quiet, subtle brick wall for the last 2 to 3 years. This has taught you a lot (or puzzled you no end) and you still have long-term adjustments in attitude to make, but October 5 will dissolve this wall to a large degree – you’re going to make more friends, soon. Meanwhile, use the gentle wisdom of this week (and Sunday-Tuesday’s events) to study why the “dry spell” happened. (Hint: romance, and a major change in type of friend, are involved.) Lie low, deal with government, charities midweek. Your energy, magnetism soar Friday/Saturday.
Your wishes and social life have run into a quiet, subtle brick wall for the last 2 to 3 years. This has taught you a lot (or puzzled you no end) and you still have long-term adjustments in attitude to make, but October 5 will dissolve this wall to a large degree – you’re going to make more friends, soon. Meanwhile, use the gentle wisdom of this week (and Sunday-Tuesday’s events) to study why the “dry spell” happened. (Hint: romance, and a major change in type of friend, are involved.) Lie low, deal with government, charities midweek. Your energy, magnetism soar Friday/Saturday.
Saturday 15 September 2012
Breeders 2
Warning- this is an eco-rant that will bore most people but is of real concern to me. It also deals with me wrestling with how my environmental concerns separate me from social activities, maybe that's more interesting. Oh and at the bottom there's a little update about E.
Yesterday was the baby shower for my sister-in-law. She started a meet-up group for moms in their twenties a few months ago. She was very strict about the 'in their 20s' part and wouldn't let anyone over 30 join. Cheeky 21-year old brat! So young and doesn't even know it.
Her mommy group threw the shower and they were kind enough to invite my sister and me, and our mom. However, even my sister, who had her first child in her mid-twenties, was shocked at how young they were.
They had gone to a lot of trouble and had decorated and baked and devised stupid games for us to play. There were 8 children there under the age of 3. I was the only childless woman there (my mom had grown children, obviously, but still had pregnancy and baby stories) I like kids, but I got overwhelmed and started on my "7 billion people is quite enough thank you" rant. In my head, of course.
I saw a cartoon once that had parents holding out a new baby to some onlookers. The caption was 'We heard there was a shortage of these'. Self-congratulatory breeders, ugh.
I am so bitter. In my heart of hearts I must admit I would like children of my own. I like babies and I do want to hold them. Oh, I'm sure there are unresolved issues there.
But I am in the grip of this frenzy about the future of the planet and human civilization. I won't go into it, only that I am pessimistic and believe that the next generation is going to get stuck with a lot of problems and not enough resources to solve them.
All the moms there except my sister and one other used disposable diapers. One of the games involved mashed up chocolate bars in diapers and smelling them to see what kind they were. I was so upset at the waste (of plastic and of chocolate!). I was upset at the gift wrap, greeting cards with little bits of foam and glitter on them, the gifts she received all made of plastic.... I even hate balloons. Who hates balloons?
I feel like an extremist. I see everything as wasteful. The baby's not even born and it's already filling up landfills for the next thousand years. It should be a happy event, and I will be a good aunt when the child arrives, but inside I am critical. The moms acted out of kindness in throwing the party for my sister-in-law; they aren't bad people, they just don't see any problem.
So I'm already an introvert, with mild social anxiety, who can't do small talk. I don't need to believe that Western Civilization is evil. But I do. I think it's shallow, wasteful, exploitative, and leading us to our doom.
So you know, I'm lots of fun at parties.
And hypocritical. I like flush toilets as much as the next person!
I know there are other people out there who share these concerns. Maybe I just am an outsider and need to find others like me. We'll go live on a homestead or a commune or something else suitably hippy-dippy.
Update:
E wrote to me and apologized for being quiet. He said he does that when he meets new people. Sure, I can sympathize, but we've been writing for a month. I guess it wasn't fair that we met on my turf and ran into my friends. Still. There was zero connection. I gave Walrus a second and third chance but I don't want to do that anymore. It makes me feel desperate. I don't know. Introverts work on a different system and everything takes longer but I still have the idea that there should be a connection. Anyways, E invited me to see a movie and I don't want to go. I guess I'll have to answer him sometime. Maybe tomorrow.
Online dating's not really working for me. Nobody's even looking at my profile. I didn't think I was that bad-looking...
Yesterday was the baby shower for my sister-in-law. She started a meet-up group for moms in their twenties a few months ago. She was very strict about the 'in their 20s' part and wouldn't let anyone over 30 join. Cheeky 21-year old brat! So young and doesn't even know it.
Her mommy group threw the shower and they were kind enough to invite my sister and me, and our mom. However, even my sister, who had her first child in her mid-twenties, was shocked at how young they were.
They had gone to a lot of trouble and had decorated and baked and devised stupid games for us to play. There were 8 children there under the age of 3. I was the only childless woman there (my mom had grown children, obviously, but still had pregnancy and baby stories) I like kids, but I got overwhelmed and started on my "7 billion people is quite enough thank you" rant. In my head, of course.
I saw a cartoon once that had parents holding out a new baby to some onlookers. The caption was 'We heard there was a shortage of these'. Self-congratulatory breeders, ugh.
I am so bitter. In my heart of hearts I must admit I would like children of my own. I like babies and I do want to hold them. Oh, I'm sure there are unresolved issues there.
But I am in the grip of this frenzy about the future of the planet and human civilization. I won't go into it, only that I am pessimistic and believe that the next generation is going to get stuck with a lot of problems and not enough resources to solve them.
All the moms there except my sister and one other used disposable diapers. One of the games involved mashed up chocolate bars in diapers and smelling them to see what kind they were. I was so upset at the waste (of plastic and of chocolate!). I was upset at the gift wrap, greeting cards with little bits of foam and glitter on them, the gifts she received all made of plastic.... I even hate balloons. Who hates balloons?
I feel like an extremist. I see everything as wasteful. The baby's not even born and it's already filling up landfills for the next thousand years. It should be a happy event, and I will be a good aunt when the child arrives, but inside I am critical. The moms acted out of kindness in throwing the party for my sister-in-law; they aren't bad people, they just don't see any problem.
So I'm already an introvert, with mild social anxiety, who can't do small talk. I don't need to believe that Western Civilization is evil. But I do. I think it's shallow, wasteful, exploitative, and leading us to our doom.
So you know, I'm lots of fun at parties.
And hypocritical. I like flush toilets as much as the next person!
I know there are other people out there who share these concerns. Maybe I just am an outsider and need to find others like me. We'll go live on a homestead or a commune or something else suitably hippy-dippy.
Update:
E wrote to me and apologized for being quiet. He said he does that when he meets new people. Sure, I can sympathize, but we've been writing for a month. I guess it wasn't fair that we met on my turf and ran into my friends. Still. There was zero connection. I gave Walrus a second and third chance but I don't want to do that anymore. It makes me feel desperate. I don't know. Introverts work on a different system and everything takes longer but I still have the idea that there should be a connection. Anyways, E invited me to see a movie and I don't want to go. I guess I'll have to answer him sometime. Maybe tomorrow.
Online dating's not really working for me. Nobody's even looking at my profile. I didn't think I was that bad-looking...
Thursday 13 September 2012
Nope
Just a quick update.
Do you remember the character Steve Urkel?
Probably a sign the date is not going well, if you're suddenly reminded of Steve Urkel.
E was short. 5 foot seven, my ass! Guys, don't add inches to your height. I am 5'9". If you round up, you're going to look ridiculous when we meet.
He had a funny little voice. Oh I'm sure he was perfectly nice but I wasn't attracted to him and he was a bit dry and I did all the talking. In fact, I started rambling. It was The Eleanor Show, starring Eleanor!
I felt big and loud and messy and sweaty.
And since we were at the festival, we ran into my friends, and lots of festival people. I didn't realize when I made the invite that by the end of the festival I would have been seeing the same people every day for a week and gotten to know them. Doh!
Anyways, I'm not sure what happens now. After the show we walked to his bike and we just stood there until I figured out he wasn't going to walk me to the bus stop and I said good night. Maybe he was just as glad it was over as I was.
I'm dreaming of meeting someone that just makes my heart go 'YES'
I did some mental comparisons to Walrus. I was so excited to meet Walrus, so disappointed when I did. But somehow Walrus was more like what I think I want than this guy...and I don't know how to define what it is. It isn't just that Walrus is tall, haha, it's something about...depth.
It's hard to explain. I guess I have to find out what I don't want to find out what I do want. Tonight made me see the good things in Walrus, which is weird. Maybe I'm just looking to the devil I know, rather than the devil of 'OHMYGAWD DATING IS SO HARD'.
And I admit I started a texting conversation with Walrus on the way home, supposedly about choir, which I missed today. He started a conversation with me yesterday....It doesn't make me sad anymore but I don't know what the point is. It's sorta comfortable and he's so bored.
Go ahead and scold me for breaking my rules about contacting Walrus. I am so unbelievably tired at the moment. The rash? Turns out I'm allergic to the antibiotics. I've just worked 7 days in a row. Just found out I have another job interview booked, on my birthday!
Something's bound to go right sooner or later, no?
Do you remember the character Steve Urkel?
Probably a sign the date is not going well, if you're suddenly reminded of Steve Urkel.
E was short. 5 foot seven, my ass! Guys, don't add inches to your height. I am 5'9". If you round up, you're going to look ridiculous when we meet.
He had a funny little voice. Oh I'm sure he was perfectly nice but I wasn't attracted to him and he was a bit dry and I did all the talking. In fact, I started rambling. It was The Eleanor Show, starring Eleanor!
I felt big and loud and messy and sweaty.
And since we were at the festival, we ran into my friends, and lots of festival people. I didn't realize when I made the invite that by the end of the festival I would have been seeing the same people every day for a week and gotten to know them. Doh!
Anyways, I'm not sure what happens now. After the show we walked to his bike and we just stood there until I figured out he wasn't going to walk me to the bus stop and I said good night. Maybe he was just as glad it was over as I was.
I'm dreaming of meeting someone that just makes my heart go 'YES'
I did some mental comparisons to Walrus. I was so excited to meet Walrus, so disappointed when I did. But somehow Walrus was more like what I think I want than this guy...and I don't know how to define what it is. It isn't just that Walrus is tall, haha, it's something about...depth.
It's hard to explain. I guess I have to find out what I don't want to find out what I do want. Tonight made me see the good things in Walrus, which is weird. Maybe I'm just looking to the devil I know, rather than the devil of 'OHMYGAWD DATING IS SO HARD'.
And I admit I started a texting conversation with Walrus on the way home, supposedly about choir, which I missed today. He started a conversation with me yesterday....It doesn't make me sad anymore but I don't know what the point is. It's sorta comfortable and he's so bored.
Go ahead and scold me for breaking my rules about contacting Walrus. I am so unbelievably tired at the moment. The rash? Turns out I'm allergic to the antibiotics. I've just worked 7 days in a row. Just found out I have another job interview booked, on my birthday!
Something's bound to go right sooner or later, no?
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Swimming in the Deep End
A lot going on.
Our Indian Summer ended with a torrential rain. Now the skies are clear, but a coldness has settled in. Crisp and windy. It's autumn.
I'm halfway through the festival. The first day made me so angry. I'd spent a month being a gofer and decorating, then was expected to know how to use the database and a whole bunch of policies and procedures I didn't feel trained in. But I figured it out quickly. I had to. I like solving problems, but dealing with people (coming up to you, phoning constantly, emailing, and on walkie-talkies) tires me out. Some people are lovely, some people are.... ARRRRRGH!
Sorta got the swing of things now. Last night I finally got my supervisor alone and told her about the other interns talking about the volunteer whose gender was indeterminable. She thanked me for telling her and was pretty annoyed at them. The festival has zero tolerance for discrimination. She said she would do some 'sensitivity training' with them. When I left that night she made a point of walking me out and thanking me again. I wished I'd said something earlier. She also said I had picked up the computer stuff quickly and was doing a good job.
I'm going back to the doctor today because the cough is coming back and I'm still covered in red bumps. They're spreading to my arms, up my neck and down my stomach. What the heck? I have a date in two days!
I've seen some shows at the festival that have moved me or made me think, but I can't really go into the details. Only that some people have amazing stories and find a way to survive. I've been taking friends to see shows and it feels really nice to have a life!
Last night I saw one that'd I'd heard great things about. It was about a topic Walrus really loves, so I invited him. He wanted to go, but it was pretty late at night. In the end he claimed a headache and didn't come. I didn't think he would, although he did seem enthusiastic about the show and appreciated the invite. We had a conversation (by text, always by text) about books before I made the invite. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't want him back, but I feel bad for him. Same old story. There is a bit of hurt still- it crossed my mind that he stayed out much later the night he went to the party without telling me...
Had an interview last week and flubbed it. I feel like I'm blowing interview after interview this summer. I haven't heard about the one I did for the youth organization.
Went to the friend's girls-only tarot card party and was tired and headachey after a day at the festival. I wasn't much fun. My tarot cards gave me boring fortunes! I'd get some good news from a bureaucrat and I was healing from a minor health complaint. My friend's apartment was very clean. I really noticed all the displays of precious objects and knickknacks and art on the walls. My house doesn't have stuff like that. If we do it's buried under a pile of old magazines. Sigh. Also my friend's husband smoked a joint on the patio while we were there and I was mildly uncomfortable, even though my friend said she didn't smoke herself.
So yeah. The big thing is meeting E, still scheduled for two days from today. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't see Walrus this week. There's going to be emotions there- go forward or go back? Don't want to hurt Walrus, but gotta seek my happiness.
I think I'd be a lot more nervous if the festival wasn't so much stimuli overload. I really live one day at a time and come home exhausted. I hope I'm doing okay.
Our Indian Summer ended with a torrential rain. Now the skies are clear, but a coldness has settled in. Crisp and windy. It's autumn.
I'm halfway through the festival. The first day made me so angry. I'd spent a month being a gofer and decorating, then was expected to know how to use the database and a whole bunch of policies and procedures I didn't feel trained in. But I figured it out quickly. I had to. I like solving problems, but dealing with people (coming up to you, phoning constantly, emailing, and on walkie-talkies) tires me out. Some people are lovely, some people are.... ARRRRRGH!
Sorta got the swing of things now. Last night I finally got my supervisor alone and told her about the other interns talking about the volunteer whose gender was indeterminable. She thanked me for telling her and was pretty annoyed at them. The festival has zero tolerance for discrimination. She said she would do some 'sensitivity training' with them. When I left that night she made a point of walking me out and thanking me again. I wished I'd said something earlier. She also said I had picked up the computer stuff quickly and was doing a good job.
I'm going back to the doctor today because the cough is coming back and I'm still covered in red bumps. They're spreading to my arms, up my neck and down my stomach. What the heck? I have a date in two days!
I've seen some shows at the festival that have moved me or made me think, but I can't really go into the details. Only that some people have amazing stories and find a way to survive. I've been taking friends to see shows and it feels really nice to have a life!
Last night I saw one that'd I'd heard great things about. It was about a topic Walrus really loves, so I invited him. He wanted to go, but it was pretty late at night. In the end he claimed a headache and didn't come. I didn't think he would, although he did seem enthusiastic about the show and appreciated the invite. We had a conversation (by text, always by text) about books before I made the invite. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't want him back, but I feel bad for him. Same old story. There is a bit of hurt still- it crossed my mind that he stayed out much later the night he went to the party without telling me...
Had an interview last week and flubbed it. I feel like I'm blowing interview after interview this summer. I haven't heard about the one I did for the youth organization.
Went to the friend's girls-only tarot card party and was tired and headachey after a day at the festival. I wasn't much fun. My tarot cards gave me boring fortunes! I'd get some good news from a bureaucrat and I was healing from a minor health complaint. My friend's apartment was very clean. I really noticed all the displays of precious objects and knickknacks and art on the walls. My house doesn't have stuff like that. If we do it's buried under a pile of old magazines. Sigh. Also my friend's husband smoked a joint on the patio while we were there and I was mildly uncomfortable, even though my friend said she didn't smoke herself.
So yeah. The big thing is meeting E, still scheduled for two days from today. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't see Walrus this week. There's going to be emotions there- go forward or go back? Don't want to hurt Walrus, but gotta seek my happiness.
I think I'd be a lot more nervous if the festival wasn't so much stimuli overload. I really live one day at a time and come home exhausted. I hope I'm doing okay.
Thursday 6 September 2012
Calm Before the Storm
Festival starts tonight. I'm going to be busy for the next three weeks. In addition to working the festival, and enjoying my time off at the festival with friends, I'm going to have a job interview, attend a baby shower for my sister-in-law and a friend's tarot party, and I'm going to meet E. At the end of all that it will be my birthday.
So, I might not be updating the blog for a while, but I will try and do a brief recap after I meet E.
Here's all the things brewing....
My brother and his wife bought a condo yesterday. They only looked for a few weeks! Get pregnant accidentally, elope, get pregnant again, buy a condo...they're somewhat impulsive. Have I mentioned she's only 21? This leaves me the only unmarried, childless, houseless sibling. Sigh. I would like to have some marker of adulthood.
Walrus- weekly check-in email number two. He's bored, bored, bored. Nothing is happening on the housing front. I invited him to the festival with me, openly acknowledging that it could be awkward, and he ignored the invite. I suspect he is depressed. Some folks from our choir have a show tonight and I encouraged him to go, but he's muttering about having a big pile of laundry... I can't do anything more to help him than what I'm doing.
Internship- I overheard the other interns deciding not to place a festival volunteer in the public eye, because she was really a he. They thought that would be 'inappropriate' and that she would have to do the behind-the-scenes stuff. That was two days ago, but it's bothering me. I think that's discrimination and illegal. Not sure if I should say something to my boss.
General mood- Feeling like I want to be introverted. Want to withdraw into my shell. I like working with people, but I have to put on a different persona to do so. It's like flicking a switch. For me to be able to do that, I have to feel very confidant that I am knowledgeable enough to answer any questions that may come up. Because I've been sick, I'm the lowest on the totem pole in the office, totally out of the loop and not given real responsibility. That, and being given art tasks to do, only feed the tendency to introversion.
But for the next few weeks, I have to work with people, so I'd better pull it out from somewhere and turn on the charm. I am having serious doubts that I have chosen the right field. Maybe I would be happier in a job where I solve problems alone, or create things alone... I probably need both- working with people time and creative alone time....
Still find tears running down my cheek before I sleep, sometimes on the bus....What is going on?
Also still fighting off the last of this awful cough.
E. We've been writing for almost a month, maybe twice a week. Now that we're talking about meeting, it's a bit more frequent. I don't like to invest this much in someone I've never seen. I asked E to go to a show with me, otherwise who knows how long this would go on! In his first message to me he said he was an introvert, although he seems to have an active social life. His messages are long, and so are mine, but like I said, mostly we talk about hobbies and the environment. Zero flirting. (I wouldn't know how to do it anyways!)
There's something a little funny about his writing- a little formal yet enthusiastic. It will be interesting to see if he's like that in real life! He's maybe 3 years older than me, a little shorter (darn!), works in computers, volunteers at the art house cinema, likes DIY projects that involve making new things out of old things. I know a little more about him than that, but don't want to invade his right to privacy.
His profile says he is looking for friends and long-distance penpals as well as dates, so who knows what he wants from me. Anyways, I'm sure I've pictured him all wrong and we'll find out in a week! I am a little excited. I am imagining things going well....but who knows? Must not get ahead of myself.
So, I might not be updating the blog for a while, but I will try and do a brief recap after I meet E.
Here's all the things brewing....
My brother and his wife bought a condo yesterday. They only looked for a few weeks! Get pregnant accidentally, elope, get pregnant again, buy a condo...they're somewhat impulsive. Have I mentioned she's only 21? This leaves me the only unmarried, childless, houseless sibling. Sigh. I would like to have some marker of adulthood.
Walrus- weekly check-in email number two. He's bored, bored, bored. Nothing is happening on the housing front. I invited him to the festival with me, openly acknowledging that it could be awkward, and he ignored the invite. I suspect he is depressed. Some folks from our choir have a show tonight and I encouraged him to go, but he's muttering about having a big pile of laundry... I can't do anything more to help him than what I'm doing.
Internship- I overheard the other interns deciding not to place a festival volunteer in the public eye, because she was really a he. They thought that would be 'inappropriate' and that she would have to do the behind-the-scenes stuff. That was two days ago, but it's bothering me. I think that's discrimination and illegal. Not sure if I should say something to my boss.
General mood- Feeling like I want to be introverted. Want to withdraw into my shell. I like working with people, but I have to put on a different persona to do so. It's like flicking a switch. For me to be able to do that, I have to feel very confidant that I am knowledgeable enough to answer any questions that may come up. Because I've been sick, I'm the lowest on the totem pole in the office, totally out of the loop and not given real responsibility. That, and being given art tasks to do, only feed the tendency to introversion.
But for the next few weeks, I have to work with people, so I'd better pull it out from somewhere and turn on the charm. I am having serious doubts that I have chosen the right field. Maybe I would be happier in a job where I solve problems alone, or create things alone... I probably need both- working with people time and creative alone time....
Still find tears running down my cheek before I sleep, sometimes on the bus....What is going on?
Also still fighting off the last of this awful cough.
E. We've been writing for almost a month, maybe twice a week. Now that we're talking about meeting, it's a bit more frequent. I don't like to invest this much in someone I've never seen. I asked E to go to a show with me, otherwise who knows how long this would go on! In his first message to me he said he was an introvert, although he seems to have an active social life. His messages are long, and so are mine, but like I said, mostly we talk about hobbies and the environment. Zero flirting. (I wouldn't know how to do it anyways!)
There's something a little funny about his writing- a little formal yet enthusiastic. It will be interesting to see if he's like that in real life! He's maybe 3 years older than me, a little shorter (darn!), works in computers, volunteers at the art house cinema, likes DIY projects that involve making new things out of old things. I know a little more about him than that, but don't want to invade his right to privacy.
His profile says he is looking for friends and long-distance penpals as well as dates, so who knows what he wants from me. Anyways, I'm sure I've pictured him all wrong and we'll find out in a week! I am a little excited. I am imagining things going well....but who knows? Must not get ahead of myself.
Monday 3 September 2012
Vignette Addendum
At one point in our correspondence, E asked me what I do for fun.
Errr, read blogs about virginity?
Errr, read blogs about virginity?
Sunday 2 September 2012
Vignettes
1. Walrus' mom wrote to me to let me know the place next doors to hers was for sale. (His parents live in a townhouse, and my mother had once expressed an interest to his mother about downsizing.) So, are me and mom supposed to live next door to my ex's parents? WORST IDEA EVER. (And tells you all you need to know about his mom.)
2. You know how couples who break up sometimes get back together and have sex One Last Time? Has anybody every gotten back together to have sex One First Time? Because, you know, I think I would seriously consider doing that if the situation came up. I can't believe I said that.
3. Sent Walrus the first 'weekly-check-in' email and got a reply. He is indeed going crazy not having his own place. Other than that, fairly short communication on both sides. I still cry at night, but slowly healing, I think.
4. Drove down to the festival with a couple, common-law partners for 15 years, and their one-year old daughter. He was driving, took a wrong turn, and they spent the next 15 minutes bickering about whose fault it was. I was uncomfortable. He's a psychiatrist. I kinda had this idea that psychiatrists were trained in avoiding these petty conflicts. If they can't get along, who can?
5. It is beginning to dawn on me that dating and finding somebody for the long-term might be a piece of cake compared to actually living with them for the rest of your life. Making a partnership work is crazy-hard. Could I do it?
6. Babysat friends' daughter during festival so they could see a loud concert. Baby and me got along fine. I imagined she was my daughter and freaked myself out.
7. I left the internship on Friday just amazed at some glaring acts of stupidity by the other interns. Most notably, on my day off, they had hung up a sign I had made. They had put big loops of string coming off the sign, and then attached the loops to a pipe along the ceiling with plastic Zap Straps (also known as zip ties).
Zip ties are expensive and made of plastic and will last for a THOUSAND YEARS. There is a good chance that in those thousand years, some bird or fish or whatever survives global warming will eat that plastic zip tie.
Also, it shows a complete lack of understanding on how to operate string. It has this amazing ability to be tied around things, such as pipes...
8. I can't wait until this internship is over. The festival starts this week, and I'm going to be busy. And will I meet E? Stay tuned...
2. You know how couples who break up sometimes get back together and have sex One Last Time? Has anybody every gotten back together to have sex One First Time? Because, you know, I think I would seriously consider doing that if the situation came up. I can't believe I said that.
3. Sent Walrus the first 'weekly-check-in' email and got a reply. He is indeed going crazy not having his own place. Other than that, fairly short communication on both sides. I still cry at night, but slowly healing, I think.
4. Drove down to the festival with a couple, common-law partners for 15 years, and their one-year old daughter. He was driving, took a wrong turn, and they spent the next 15 minutes bickering about whose fault it was. I was uncomfortable. He's a psychiatrist. I kinda had this idea that psychiatrists were trained in avoiding these petty conflicts. If they can't get along, who can?
5. It is beginning to dawn on me that dating and finding somebody for the long-term might be a piece of cake compared to actually living with them for the rest of your life. Making a partnership work is crazy-hard. Could I do it?
6. Babysat friends' daughter during festival so they could see a loud concert. Baby and me got along fine. I imagined she was my daughter and freaked myself out.
7. I left the internship on Friday just amazed at some glaring acts of stupidity by the other interns. Most notably, on my day off, they had hung up a sign I had made. They had put big loops of string coming off the sign, and then attached the loops to a pipe along the ceiling with plastic Zap Straps (also known as zip ties).
Zip ties are expensive and made of plastic and will last for a THOUSAND YEARS. There is a good chance that in those thousand years, some bird or fish or whatever survives global warming will eat that plastic zip tie.
Also, it shows a complete lack of understanding on how to operate string. It has this amazing ability to be tied around things, such as pipes...
8. I can't wait until this internship is over. The festival starts this week, and I'm going to be busy. And will I meet E? Stay tuned...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)