I'm keeping busy and I have a feeling that if I stop moving I'll have to face the possibility that I don't like myself.
I can only think of terrible metaphors to describe the feeling- like being followed by something shadowy.
I don't know if it's going to catch up with me or if I've actually learned the skills (from therapy after being depressed) to keep these negative thoughts at bay.
It starts with negative feelings about my body. It seems like I've always got a health complaint- the constant coughing, tiredness, back aches, upset stomachs, etc. I have PCOS and that comes with its own set of things that have to be managed. For a while I kept to a very strict diet and the weight just melted off. Now it's back, and oh joy!, it sticks right around my middle. I hate that women are expected to be a certain body shape in our society, and I think it's so boring to worry about my weight, but lately it's always on my mind.
There's this digital side to life now- the only way you readers experience 'Eleanor' is words on a screen, but I certainly learned watching Walrus struggle with his paralyzed body how much we take our physical selves for granted.
Walrus has terrible psoriasis that started when he was 13. He doesn't like to show his arms or legs because of it, and his ears are often scabbed over. I wonder how much Walrus' psoriasis affected who he is as a person, and how much PCOS has affected me. Maybe I was slow to grow up because my body wasn't acting like a woman's body should. I didn't get help for years because I was embarrassed to talk about it.
In short, I don't feel attractive right now and that's a major roadblock if I want to try dating again.
I'm also not getting anywhere with the job search, or moving out.
And I'm sorta telling myself to concentrate on my health and getting a job, even cleaning the house and then think about dating. Like, if I get a part-time job I can allow myself to put up some new pictures on OKC and write to some guys....that's the way I'm negotiating with myself right now. It sorta makes sense and it sorta doesn't.
I think one of the problems with these "body image pressures" is that people who feel like they don't fit the image don't just feel like they'll have a disadvantage in the dating game; they feel like they're not invited to the dating game at all or something. (The ironic thing is that the examples of perfection in the media increasingly don't even exist in real life, what with airbrushing and all.)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if my way of thinking works for everyone, but I like to think in terms of percentages. Whatever weight you are, there will be a percentage of people who find you attractive. Now, I concede that, in most of the western world, that percentage will go up as your weight goes down (to a certain point.) But you might ask yourself this: would you prefer to get together with someone who is only into you when you're at your "best" but wouldn't have noticed you when you're not on peak form? Or might it work out better to get together with someone who likes you even when you're having an "off-month" or whatever, and then times when you're more on top of things could just be an added bonus?
If everyone only dated when they were at their peak, there'd be far fewer dates in the world, and those who did go on dates would be worried about what might happen if they slipped into an off-peak time. Luckily a lot of non-perfect people do still put themselves out there and meet other non-perfect people. I'm not saying it's easy, but I do think it gets easier the more one practices.