Last night I couldn't sleep. I started crying because it was cold and I missed having Walrus in bed with me. He used to spoon me and kiss me between the shoulder blades. At least he was good for something.
And then I started crying because I've never been in love. I think I have been loved, but I have never loved anybody. Never believed in anybody enough. I would really like to find somebody worthy and to try to be worthy of them.
I think I've stopped trying to imagine my dream guy but I do imagine what a good relationship would be like. Easy and comfortable, first of all. He wouldn't have to be interested in my art, necessarily, but he'd have to give me room to do it. I long for some sort of deep connection. I want us to talk late into the night, to undress each other's brains, as it were. And after a while, we would just 'get' each other. I waffle a bit when I have to make a decision, and sometimes I want to talk it out, even when deep inside, I've already decided. He would listen, and then kiss me and say 'Go be awesome'
Ok maybe he won't be as perfect as all that. But he'd be mine and I'd be his.
Gawd this makes me weepy.
My friend Amy -I work with her sometimes so she's sorta my boss- wrote to me today about some business stuff, and gave me an update. In the summer she was juggling three boys and wondering what to do. She picked one (the one I thought sounded best) and she's really happy. She said it was like a 'dream relationship'- really easy and fun and great communication.
I'm not really doing internet dating right now. I look at it every so often but no one's caught my attention and I rarely get messages. There is someone who's a 98% match for me but he lives an hour's drive away. That's not that far...except that it happens to be on the other side of the American border! Anyways, I noticed that he's looked at my profile a few times. I might just daydream about him for something to do....
I'd really really rather not meet someone on the internet, especially not from another country! I would be so thrilled to meet someone 'in real life'. What a weird phrase.
In other news, I'm just starting to draw a little. This is progress. I thought about high-school me, always carrying a sketchbook, doodles all over every piece of schoolwork...I spent my spare block in the library copying old master drawings. I don't want all that time I put in to go to waste. And it needs to be second nature to me again, to be creating all the time, if I ever want to make stuff I'm proud of.
I'm still reading that Quiet book. It's about introverts. It says that studies have shown babies who react strongly to loud noises grow up to be introverts. They are classified as 'highly reactive'. They are more sensitive to their environment, and perhaps more fearful. Then there's 'Highly Sensitive' people...I'm not quite sure where introversion and high sensitivity overlap...Anyways, you'll have to read the book to really get clear definitions.
But research seems to say that introverts and HSPs not only react to loud noises more than other people, they may be more sensitive in taste, smell and visual perception. They can notice subtle differences between two similar images when most people assume they're identical and stop looking. They are more empathetic. They feel a deeper sense of guilt, and have a strong sense of conscience. They even seem to think differently, more deeply than the average person even in simple tasks (like comparing the two pictures, as described above.) The book said 'No wonder they're bored by small talk!"
My therapist told me once I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was 'just sensitive'.
So self-proclaiming myself a HSP feels great! I feel more than other people! I see more, taste more, care more, and try harder to do the right thing. But I actually thought to myself as I read this chapter, 'Other people are morons!' Shhhhhh, don't tell anybody I said that. It's not nice, and I'm not sure it's helpful. But I was trying to imagine what life was like for a lot of other people. Maybe like having ear muffs and blinders on....All sensations slightly dulled. Maybe like being wrapped in protective padding. People go around not getting hurt, and expect others to be similarly thick-skinned. But I don't have it, and I get crushed....and they have no idea.
Do you know dogs? My family are dog people, so this was how I described it to myself. Labrador retrievers are 'touch-insensitive'. They were bred to crash through the bush or swim in cold water to retrieve ducks that hunters have shot down. They are lovely, obedient, good-natured dogs, but they are a bit dumb. They don't solve problems, they just crash through them.
Border collies were bred to herd sheep. They are slightly built, nimble and quick. They are always alert. They watch their owner almost as closely as they watch sheep. They are ready to react to the slightest movement of the sheep, or the soft whistle of the farmer. My sister has a border collie, and it trembles when it hears dishes clatter in the kitchen. It understands quite complex things and 'tattles' when other dogs break the rules (like when my dog left the yard, for example.)
I don't know if this "Highly Sensitive Person' classification will stand up to further research, but for the moment I'll secretly feel smug. I don't think I'd choose to experience the world differently than I do, even if it meant I felt less pain.
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