Tonight I went to a meeting about a group trying to reduce garbage and waste in my city. Loved it. Only nine people at the meeting, and surprisingly mostly young (and stylish!) people. I think I'll stick with it. Other people who care about garbage! Eeeeeeee!
I took a lazy day today, other than the meeting. Felt tired and needed to do quiet things. I hope that was the right thing to do. Thought a lot about what I wrote last night and what I'm going to focus on.
My brain helpfully decided to summarize why I'm single (and this could also be applied to 'unemployed'):
Either I'm doing something wrong, or there's something inherently wrong with me, or I just have really bad luck. All of those options are rather hopeless and depressing. Not sure which one I'd prefer it to be.
Doing something wrong: at least I can change it once I figure out what it is- just have to regret all the years I went around completely clueless.
Something wrong with me (or slightly softer wording- some personal growth and learning yet to obtain): possibly the worst option. Goes back to what I said about me constantly thinking I need to change myself (or in the career field, take more expensive classes and training.)
Bad luck? I'm blameless, but also powerless against the random workings of the universe.
The question of why I haven't dated is always (ALWAYS!) on my mind. Perhaps it's not valuable to examine it anymore.
I can't change the past. I think I'm ready for a relationship, regardless of where I am in other areas of life.
My little nephew, almost 2 now, isn't speaking, while my niece is three months younger and is putting together short phrases. His mother has taken him to speech therapy and been made to feel like a bad mother, and is a little concerned, yes, but mostly because other people are fussing about it. She knows he's smart (and sociable, and not exhibiting any signs of autism). She thinks he's just a late bloomer, figuring it all out in his head, and one day language will come pouring out, and will grow exponentially from there.
So I figure the same thing's gonna happen to me. I've put in my time volunteering and joining clubs and building a new social circle, and always observing and learning from every situation I'm in. It's all going to come to fruition soon.
So as for what to do next- there's changing yourself, and then there's changing your habits. Or your time management. Or your commitments. Having goals to work towards gives life meaning- it can make you happy, even if you don't always reach them. (Just trying to frame it positively rather than 'there's so much work to do'!)
It's really hard to pick what to focus on. Art- is it my career or my hobby? Sometimes it feels like it's health. Draw or get heartsick! Joining a hiking group is exercise and social time and who knows? - could even lead to a date or a job opportunity. Any time I'm with people there is a potential for networking socially and professionally. So the lines get a little blurry.
And some habits are already started and need to be maintained...hmmm.
First off, I think I'll make a rule for myself. If I sign into OKC for more than 10 minutes, I either have to message someone or write someone back. No more voyeuristic browsing late at night, because that's lame.
At first I thought 'health' but I can't just take a month's holiday to exercise and meditate and drink smoothies, although that might be nice. I've had to deal with a chronic cough, anemia, a bad back, weird bladder problems, and the ever-constant PCOS, along with the usual colds, flus and headaches. I am often fatigued, so health is a good thing to focus on, but I can't stop my life.
I think I need to do Kegel exercises for the bladder problem, and they will also help with relaxing muscles during sex, when we get to that. That needs to be done twice daily. And I'm going to try soccer this week, so if I try to walk my dog a little bit more vigorously, that's probably a good start for exercise.
Eating right- hmm. For the PCOS, a low-glycemic index diet is recommended, but I have to be careful I don't drop carbs all together. When I did it before I tended to eat a lot of high fat foods, although I still lost a lot of weight. Same with vegetarianism, sure I'm not eating meat but I'm eating cheese and dairy with every meal! This might take several months to really get on track, with additional research needed. I should keep the food diary going and note how many meals include meat, dairy, eggs or are completely vegan. Possibly should get food sensitivity testing done.
Career- to be honest, I don't know what to do next for this one. I will keep applying for jobs as they come up. I have at least a two week reprieve while I do this next gig. I could take more classes, get more certifications. I'm torn between getting a day job in admin and trying to make a living as an artist. I'd like to do both. Lately art has been a slow trickle of income- how can I increase that? That is probably a 3-6 month project to get started, and then major maintenance needed from then on. I suck at hustling!
Hmmm. Maybe the theme of this month is just time management and balance. Slowly add exercise and drawing, slowly feel better. Continue to try new things, activities, clubs, volunteering, and pick which ones are worth committing to. Start the new job, finish leadership class, I'll be keeping busy.
This is sounding like the vague plan I've been following since I graduated school! Progress has gone up and down, but slowly moving in the right direction? I am so reluctant to put metrics to my goals, to define them measurably. And I never meet them, but I never fail! And yet I spend a lot of time writing out goals and making daily schedules. (This post has taken over an hour.)
Sigh!
I'm at a point in my life of figuring out what direction to go in, too, so I can relate to what you're writing. It's hard when you know what you'd like your life to be like, but don't know what to do to get there.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I'd suggest is to figure out which goals are most important to getting to your *next* goals. In other words, making priorities and focusing on them.
I'd say that one of the most important things is to figure out what you want to do in your career: art, or administrative job. As a comment on the last post said, it's not wise to go in too many directions at once. Once you make a decision about your career, find other people who have been successful in that career and talk to them about how they got there. Then you can be more selective with your meet-up groups and volunteering, and you can figure out what kind of education you need for your career.
Focusing on career is important because, I think, once you feel like you're doing well in your career, you will have more confidence in other areas of your life. You'll have more money and you might be able to move out of your mother's house.
Secondly, as for romance, instead of trying to figure out the elusive thing "wrong" with you on your own and trying to "fix" it, how about Googling what men find attractive or asking men what attracted them to their partners. I think this is important because without this knowledge, you'll try to fix different things in your life (like trying to become more outdoorsy, etc.) that may not even need "fixing" at all. Based on what I've read, I think most men would put "appears healthy" higher on a list of attractive traits in a woman than "environmentalist" or "artsy" It isn't to say that they wouldn't value these things in a woman, but they have a different set of priorities than a woman would when deciding what she finds attractive in a man.
So in my opinion, if I were to choose two aspects of your life to focus on, I'd choose career and health.
I know that might be hard, because it's more tempting to go out and do a lot of things and meet a lot of people and hope that an exciting life emerges from that. But if you try to do too much at once, you'll just get burnt out and end up accomplishing less than if you focused on a couple things.
Good luck!