Frustrated!

I'm in a super bad mood right now and I'm writing because I don't know what else to do with myself.
This two week gig is very frustrating, but I survived one week of it, and thought I'd sorta learned the ropes.  I  got the plan for Week Two yesterday, and sent some suggestions for changes by email.  My manager wrote back rejecting the changes.  She gave reasons that seem flimsy to me but I don't want to argue, so I guess I'll just stop offering ideas.  It wasn't like I was trying to get out of work; I am sincerely trying to make a better experience for the kids.

I have a feeling that if I'd phrased things just right, I could have gotten my way.  I wasn't rude, but I did point out why I wanted to change the plan (ie. what was wrong with the plan) and I guess she got a tiny bit defensive.  Too late now, but I've thought of a lighter way to suggest the changes that would have skirted the real reasons behind them.

Some people are so good at tactfully leading (manipulating) people into the direction they want them to go.  I am not.  I say things too bluntly, because I am better at dealing with ideas than people.  I'm from the arts- where everyone had a vision and fought for it, and no one took it personally because the best idea would win, and that was good for the final product.

With this particular gig, I'm in a weird position of being in the middle in seniority, the oldest in actual years lived and the most experienced in some ways, and yet I don't know the ins and outs of this particular work environment, so I depend on the younger coworkers to help me find things, or explain policies to me.  And I wasn't there for the planning, so I'm out of the loop and apparently, my suggestions aren't welcomed.  I feel a bit isolated socially as well.
Good thing it's only four more days.

I am so so critical.  It's weird, because I am so insecure about myself in so many ways and yet when I watch people organize something badly, I draw up a plan in my head for how I would do it better, and then get really frustrated that I am unemployed and these bozos in charge have great jobs.

And in general I am having a small freak-out in my head.  It isn't showing yet, but I'm having trouble keeping it together.  I felt my eyes watering on the bus this morning, and missed my stop because I was wallowing in self-pity and loneliness.

I'm physically tired from work, and the cough is coming back.  I had some evening activities planned, but by mid-week I stopped going to them and napped when I got home.  Another Friday and Saturday night on the couch with the computer.  I'd really like some quality social time with a good friend- I love deep conversations and I rarely get to have them.

I keep typing sad phrases into Google: "how do I change my life?"  "How do I meet people?"  And just now, "I get frustrated with stupid people"- that one came up with weird stuff.

To admit this is really embarrassing.  What a way to spend my valuable time.  I just keeping looking for easy answers.  They must be on the Internet!  They must be!  And I check my email and facebook constantly- maybe someone will think of me and contact me!  Maybe I'll get an OKC message!  Nope.
I should just shut down the computer and draw, or read or clean, or be productive while I'm lonely, but I get into this state where some kind of connection with other human beings becomes all-important and I try and make the Internet fill the void.  Many posts are written here when I get like that.
Gawd just reading this makes me want to cry.
This week I've been so tired, I haven't been able to get much done, and I've spent too much time on OKC, typing in other major cities across North America to see how many 99% matches there are in each one.  (Seattle, apparently, is the city I'd do best in)
No one's contacted me on OKC for a while- I'm not 'fresh meat' anymore and I hardly even get any visitors.  I said I wasn't even going to think about dating for a bit, and that I didn't want to do online dating at all....but obviously browsing profiles fulfills some kind of need for me.  I can pretend, I can daydream...

I've also been trying to find articles about changing habits.  I find a lot of people who are trying to make a living offering self-help blogs, and am really not impressed by that.  Most articles say 'change one habit at a time', but I can't pick one- I need everything to change now!  I don't have months to work on each one.  But aim too high and you will surely fail.  Small changes are better.  It's a transition and it's not going to be smoothly linear.

overwhelmed.